It seemed things were about to turn around the following day. Spring was in the air outside and the birds sung them awake. Together they made and even ate breakfast, which to Liv felt like nothing short of a miracle. The fact that Thomas gave her his undivided attention and laughed at her remarks several times roused a sweet, aching, contentment in her chest. Then his phone rang. "Probably just another condolences-call", he sighed and left the kitchen to pick up.
When he returned twenty minutes later he looked more tired.
"I'm going out with a friend tonight."
Raising her eyebrows at him, she did her best to mask her disappointment.
"You're up for that?"
"It won't be late", he shrugged.
As it turned out, he had been wrong. It got late - so late Liv actually attempted to fall asleep several times but failed miserably. Still she was tossing and turning on the couch when the door unlocked at 2 am. The sound of hushed laughs and talking reached her, but the noise quickly disappeared into the kitchen, from where she was unable to make out what they were saying.
Sneaking up, without really thinking, Liv grabbed her empty water glass and tippy-toed towards the kitchen. That had been a mistake. The sight that met her there caused her to drop the glass, which shattered upon hitting the floor.
Salma, one of Thomas's and Arvid's old friends, sat on the wooden counter-top. Thomas and her had been kissing eagerly, his hands in her hair and on her hips. Her dark hair was shorter now, it used to go down to her waist, Liv remembered, but this way she looked more mature, cooler.
At the sound of glass shattering they ripped apart and Thomas looked guilty, Salma just mildly surprised. Then she realized how silly she herself must look, standing in the midst of all the broken glass on the threshold, dressed in nothing but one of Thomas's big sweatshirts.
"If I'd known you had a little wife waiting up for you, I wouldn't have gone home with you", Salma said, apparently amused, breaking the weird silence.
Feeling her face go hot, Liv shook her head.
"God no", Thomas coughed, "This is Liv, remember, Arvid's little sister, sixteen years old."
Of course, she caught how he put emphasis on sixteen, clearly wanting to stress the fact that she was nothing but a child to him.
"I remember", Salma said and smiled at her, "Hello again."
"Hello", Liv mumbled and looked down, then added: "I won't bother you, just wanted some water."
While saying this she took a step back, accidentally placing her foot on the splitters of glass and involuntarily exclaimed with pain.
"Christ, Liv!"
A moment later Thomas was lifting her up with a swift motion, carrying her towards the bathroom.
After seeing him hold and touch Salma like that she felt confused at the contrast in how he held her so gently and professionally under her arms, positioned her on the edge of the tub. Where had the eagerness and heat with which he had touched her went? Her legs had been bare but she wore white tube socks and he carefully tugged one off and she gave out a quiet wince.
"Does it hurt much?", he asked, concerned.
"Oh, not really. It's fine. I got it. You go and entertain your guest."
"Alright. You could come and catch up with Salma, if you'd like."
His suggestion made her lower her eyes and smile incredulously.
"It's fine. I wouldn't want to be in the way."
As per usual the fact that he was drunk did not stop him from picking up on her tone.
"Oh that...", he said blushing, "That wasn't..."
Before he could continue Liv cursed out loud because she had been trying to get one of the shards of glass out and cut up her hand on it while doing so.
"Shit. Here, let me."
Thomas grabbed the shower head and rinsed her hand and foot until all the glass had fallen out. Then he felt gently with his hand if there was anything still stuck under her foot. For some reason, she could not help but to squirm as he did so, blushing and then condemning herself for it.
"Thanks, you got it all", she mumbled, really feeling as if his touch was burning her.
Why could she all of a sudden think of nothing but the way he looked when he kissed Salma? And why did it make her feel both curious and annoyed simultaneously?
Before he could get out the door she blurted out in an accusatory manner:
"Were you honestly going to sleep with her?"
The direct question made him stagger a bit.
"N-No. That wasn't the plan. I just promised her one last drink."
"You keep more here? Wow, you just tell me when I should call rehab. Hey, bet they even have a spot in your name open now."
The reference to his father clearly had some sort of effect on him, because he sneered. Honestly, Liv was kind of shocked by her own audacity as well.
"I think I've already stressed enough just how free you are to leave at any time."
The regret was instantly replaced by bitter loathing. Searing jealousy burned throughout her body, despite her having no proper idea of what it really was.
"You know what. Sure. You get what you want."
As she started to limp out Thomas's face fell and he did not move away from the threshold.
"Are you crazy? You're not leaving like that. It's in the middle of the night and you can't even walk properly. The last train was hours ago."
"Guess I'll use my feet then."
"You're kidding."
"Well I would ask you to drive me but you've got this thing going on where you're always drunk", she muttered.
"You're not walking home alone, hurt, at 2 am Liv! Don't you understand how unsafe that is?"
"Oh so you're gonna forbid me to leave now? God, you're so fucking..."
"Yeah what? Tell me", he snarled, towering over her.
Ducking under one of his arms, she stormed towards the hall door. Without even bothering with shoes she flung the door open and walked out. Thomas rushed after her, placed himself in front of her again, blocking her way forward and she had to recoil to not collide with him. While starting to say something he reached for her arm.
"Hey, don't fucking touch me! Go back and finish off that little high school reunion you'd got going on the counter-top instead", she spat.
That's when Salma's clear and calm and still slightly amused voice interrupted from the door.
"Now what is up with the two of you?"
Caught off guard, Liv turned around, looked at her for a second and then tears started to run down her cheeks. Meanwhile, Thomas just stared out into the thin air, seemingly deeply tired.
"Why don't you take a walk 'round the block, Tommy", Salma suggested while putting her arms around Liv, gently coaxing her back inside and he nodded languidly and disappeared out into the night.
As Liv wiped away her tears in exasperation, she hated Salma for being so sweet and gentle with her, embracing her and mumbling words of consolation. Furthermore, she hated her for how she had kissed Thomas and made him laugh so easily without even trying. In one night she had managed to do what Liv had been trying to do for days - make Thomas forget for a moment, feel better, even just for a moment.
"Hey, hey. What is this about, baby?", Salma whispered as Liv's shoulders shook from the force of her crying.
Oh, she was just the kind of person who could get away with calling what was practically a stranger baby.
"I j-just", Liv sniveled, "I don't know what's going on with h-him... I... can't help him."
"I see. And how long you've been here?"
"Since Saturday."
"Aha. And what happened just now?"
"I... I don't know. We've been fighting ever since I got here", she sighed and hid her face in her hands, "He keeps prodding me to leave him alone but I can't... I'm shitscared of how bad he's doing."
Salma nodded slowly and with sympathy.
"Listen, Liv. The way I understand it... You've clearly done so much to help him, so much no sixteen year old should be expected to do. Thomas is so... so incredibly confused and sad right now, I don't think he knows what he's doing half the time."
Nodding back and shrugging tiredly, she felt sick of being called sixteen and thus useless.
"Get some sleep. I'm sure everything will feel better tomorrow."
"Yeah."
Sometime later Thomas returned, returned to a fast asleep cried-out Liv and a Salma with more than a little reproach glinting in her dark eyes. They talked on the porch so as to not wake Liv up.
"Hey, I know you feel like shit right now and all that but honestly... Arvid wouldn't love this."
A lecture wasn't frankly what he was in the mood for.
"Yeah, and you think I haven't done everything I could think of to get her to leave? You think I want her to be here?", he asked and Salma put her hands up in deterrence.
"Well, she's here now anyways. And she's really worried about you. I don't blame her either. You do look like shit."
"I just... I just need to do some expurgation and I'd prefer it if I could do it on my own."
Salma raised her eyebrows.
"What are you trying to expurgate? Your soul?", she raised her eyebrows and he couldn't help but to smile.
"I'll call someone for you, Toms, a therapist, anything", she said and stroked away the hair that had fallen into his eyes, "I know you won't talk to me but..."
"I'm good. Thank you, though."
"You keep everyone at arms length, don't you?", she said and looked at him with great sadness, "Did you know it hurts to look at you because your secrets surround you ... like a dark, heavy cloud or something."
"Poetic", he simply replied dryly.
"You used to let Arvid in. Does he know? About your father?"
"No."
"And he doesn't know Liv's here then?"
At the mention of her name he set his jaw.
"How well do you two know each other? You see each other often?"
The questions were posed carefully, almost as if she dreaded the answer.
"A lot better and a lot more often than I'd prefer", he muttered and shot an annoyed but vaguely fond glance towards the living room.
"You and her... You're not..?"
With an explosion of panic in his chest he realized what she was getting at.
"She's sixteen Salma, and Arvid's baby sister at that. Even for me that would be fucked up."
The synthetic, bored drawl in his voice contrasted with how his heart was hammering.
"No. I didn't really think so. I mean... It's just... the look on her face when she came into the kitchen and saw us... and you guys do fight like an old married couple. The way you were running around in there, chasing after her like that... I've never seen anyone get to you like that."
"She's like my own little sister. I mean she practically is. I've seen her grow up."
"All right. I get it. It was stupid of me to ask."
Thomas felt bile rise up in his throat. Was that what it had looked like? Was that how badly he had slipped up? And how could she have suggested it so casually, as if the concept was allowed to even exist.