It seemed things were about to turn around the following day. Spring was in the air outside and the birds sung them awake. Together they made and even ate breakfast, which to Liv felt like nothing short of a miracle. The fact that Thomas gave her his undivided attention and laughed at her remarks several times roused a sweet, dangerous ache in her chest. Then his phone rang. "Probably just another condolences-call", he sighed and left the kitchen to pick up.
When he returned twenty minutes later he looked tired.
"I'm going out with Salma tonight."
Liv raised her eyebrows at him, doing her best to mask her disappointment.
"You're up for that?"
He shrugged.
"I probably won't be late."
Thomas had been wrong. It got so late Liv actually attempted to fall asleep but failed miserably. She tossed and turned in the sofa until 2 am, when the door unlocked. The sound of hushed laughs and talking reached her, but the noise quickly disappeared into the kitchen, from where she was unable to make out what they were saying.
Salma was an old friend of Thomas's, they had met when they were teens, so Liv had encountered her a few times. The impression she had gotten was that Salma was a no-nonsense but sweet girl, funny too. Thomas always seemed to relax more around her.
Sneaking up, without really thinking, Liv grabbed her empty water glass and tippy toed towards the kitchen. That had been a mistake. The sight that met her there actually caused her to drop the glass, which shattered upon hitting the floor.
Salma sat on top of the wooden countertop. She and Thomas had been kissing fervently, his hands in her hair and on her waist. Her dark hair was shorter now, it used to go down to her waist, Liv remembered, but this way she looked more mature, cooler.
At the sound of glass shattering they ripped apart, Thomas looking guilty, Salma just mildly surprised. Liv realised how silly she herself must look, standing in the midst of all the broken glass on the threshold, dressed in nothing but one of Thomas's big sweatshirts. Her face felt hot. "If I'd known you had a little wife waiting up for you, I wouldn't have gone home with you", Salma said, apparently amused, breaking the painful silence.
Liv blushed even more, shaking her head.
"God no", Thomas coughed, "This is Liv, remember, Arvid's little sister, 16 years old."
Liv heard how he put emphasis on 16, clearly wanting to stress the fact that she was nothing but a child to him.
"I remember", Salma said and smiled at her, "Hello again."
"Hello", Liv mumbled and looked down, then added: "I won't bother you, just wanted some water."
While saying this she took a step back, accidentally placing her foot on the splitters of glass and exclaimed with pain. Thomas swore.
"Fuck. Wait."
In a swift motion he lifted her up from under her arms and carried her towards the bathroom, shut the door immediately and turned on the water.
After seeing him hold and touch Salma like that she felt not only weird but somewhat curious too. She wondered how his face and way of moving could have gone from concupiscent and relaxed to determined and professional as he now touched her. Her legs were bare but she wore white tube socks, one of them spattered with blood. She grimaced when he pulled it off and positioned her on the edge of the tub.
"Does it hurt much?", he asked, concerned.
"No not really."
Thomas noticed how she winced again, if not at the pain then at his touch. It made him feel icky but he was unsure of what he had done.
"What is it then?", he demanded quietly.
Liv rolled her eyes at him.
"Nothing. You just don't have to do this. I can manage by myself."
"Alright then. You could come and catch up with Salma when you're done, if you'd like."
She lowered her eyes and smiled incredulously.
"It's fine. I wouldn't want to be in the way."
As per usual the fact that he was drunk did not stop him from picking up on her tone.
"Oh that...", he said blushing, "That wasn't..."
Before he could continue Liv cursed out loud. She had been trying to get one of the shards of glass out and cut up her hand on it while doing so.
"Jesus, Liv. Here."
Thomas grabbed the shower head and rinsed her hand and foot until all the glass had fallen out. Then he felt gently with his hand if there was anything still stuck under her foot. Liv could not help but to squirm slightly as he did so, blushing and then condemning herself for it.
"Thanks, I'm good", she mumbled, really feeling as if his touch was burning her.
Why could she all of a sudden think of nothing but the way he looked when he kissed Salma, how his body had pressed against hers. For some reason she felt both curious and annoyed simultaneously.
Before he could get out the door she blurted out in an accusatory manner:
"Were you honestly going to sleep with her? Did you forget I was staying here or what?"
The direct question made him stagger a bit.
"N-No, I'm sorry, not really. I- I've been drinking see..."
"Yeah, you just tell me when I should call rehab. Hey, bet they even have a spot in your name open now."
The bitter reference to his alcoholic monster of a father clearly stung and caused him to sneer. Liv was shocked by her own cruelty as well.
"I think I've already stressed enough just how free you are to leave at any time."
She stood up, the regret instantly replaced by bitter loathing. Searing jealousy burned throughout her body, despite her having no proper idea of what it really was.
"You know what. Sure. You get what you want."
She started to limp out but Thomas face fell. He did not move away from the threshold.
"Are you crazy? You're not leaving like that. It's like 3 am and you can't even walk properly. The last subway was hours ago."
"Guess I'll use my feet then."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Well I would ask you to drive me but you've got this thing going on where you're always drunk."
"You're not walking home alone, hurt, at 3 am Liv, don't you understand how unsafe that is?"
"Honestly you're gonna forbid me to leave now? God, you're so fucking..."
"Yeah what? Tell me", he snarled, towering over her.
She ducked under one of his arms and stormed towards the hall door. Without even bothering with shoes she flung the door open and walked out. Thomas rushed after her, placed himself in front of her again, blocking her way forward and she had to recoil to not collide with him. He was starting to say something while reaching for her arm.
"Hey, don't fucking touch me! Go back and finish off that little high school reunion you'd got going on the countertop instead", she spat and he scowled at her, looked as if he was going to retort something venomous when Salma's clear and calm and still slightly amused voice interrupted from the door.
"Now what is up with the two of you?"
Liv turned around, looked at her for a second and then tears started to run down her cheeks. Thomas just stared out into the thin air, seeming deeply tired.
"Why don't you take a walk 'round the block, Tommy", Salma said while putting her arms around Liv, gently coaxing her back inside.
He nodded languidly.
Liv wiped away her tears in exasperation, hating herself for letting Salma embrace and console her because Salma was a big part of the reason she was upset. How she had kissed Thomas, made him laugh so easily without even trying. In one night she had managed to do what Liv had been trying to do for days - make Thomas forget, feel better.
"Hey, hey. What is this about, baby?", Salma whispered.
She was just the kind of person who could get away with calling what was practically a stranger 'baby'.
"I j-just", Liv snivelled, "I don't know what's going on with h-him... I was trying to help him but..." She hesitated, unsure of if Salma knew about Thomas's disordered eating.
"How long you've been here?"
"Since Saturday."
"Aha, and what happened just now?"
"I... I don't know. We've been fighting ever since I got here", she sighed and hid her face in her hands, "He keeps prodding me to leave him alone but I can't... I'm shitscared of how bad he's doing."
Salma nodded slowly.
"Listen, Liv. You've clearly done so much to help him, so much no 16 year old should have to do. Thomas is so... so incredibly confused and sad right now, he doesn't know what he's doing half the time."
Liv nodded back, shrugged tiredly, sick of being called sixteen and of feeling useless.
"Get some sleep. I won't stay the night but I'm sure we'll see each other again soon."
"Ok, yeah."
Liv wondered why Salma had phrased it that way but was too tired to think much about it.
Sometime later Thomas returned, returned to a sleeping Liv with red rimmed swollen, closed eyes and a Salma with more than a little reproachfulness in her dark ones. She pointed towards the kitchen.
"Hey, I know you feel like shit right now and all that but honestly... Arvid wouldn't like this whole thing."
Thomas was not in the mood for a lecture.
"Yeah and you think I haven't done everything I could think of to get her to leave? You think I wanted her to come here?", he muttered and Salma put her hands up deterrently.
"Well, she's here now anyways. And she's really worried about you. I don't blame her either. You do look like shit."
He sighed.
"I just... I just need to do some expurgation and I'd prefer it if I could do it on my own."
Salma raised her eyebrows.
"What are you trying to expurge? Your soul?"
Thomas could not help but to smile. Salma smiled back at him.
"I'll call a therapist for you, Toms", she said and stroked away the hair that had fallen into his eyes gently, "I know you won't talk to me but..."
He shook his head.
"I can't see a therapist."
When she asked why he did not answer. Salma looked at him with great sadness.
"This was why it never worked between us, you know. Your secrets. It hurts to look at you because your secrets surround you like... like a dark, heavy cloud or something. It keeps people out, at arms length. Everyone can see it. Liv sees it."
At the mention of her name he set his jaw.
"Well I don't want her - or anyone, to see it, to have to see it."
"That's just the problem. You refuse to admit your trauma, your need for help, support", she whispered, "You did use to talk a little about it with Arvid though, right?"
Thomas shrugged. Salma decided to change the subject.
"How well do you and Liv know each other? You see each other often?"
The questions were posed carefully, almost as if she dreaded the answer.
"A lot better and a lot more often than I'd like", he muttered and shot an annoyed glance towards the living room.
"You and her... You're not..."
He realised with a pang in his chest what she was getting at.
"You think I'm interested in Arvid's baby sister? She's sixteen Salma, even for me that would be fucked up."
The bored drawl in his voice contrasted with how his heart was hammering in his chest.
"No. I mean... It's just... the look on her face when she came into the kitchen and saw us... and you guys do fight like an old married couple. The way you were running around in here, chasing after her like that... I mean - there must be something..."
"No. She's like my own little sister. I mean she practically is. Both mine and Arvid's, since we were kids. I feel responsible for her."
"All right. I get it. It was stupid of me to ask."
Still she did not look entirely convinced and Thomas felt bile rise up in his throat. Was that what it had looked like? Was that how badly he had slipped up? And how could she have suggested it so casually, as if the concept was allowed to even exist.