"Sure I can't take you to my place for dessert? It's not too far."
It was late, around 11 pm, and Rasmus drove her back from practice in his Subaru.
"I think I should be getting back."
This was the second time he had asked and the second time she apparently would have to politely decline.
"Is that to your mom? Or to Tommy's?"
Was she imagining the suggestive emphasis he had put on the latter part of the sentence? As far as Thomas knew, she had just left to go for football practice and then a cover up-hang out with Wilma. They hadn't discussed her return, because Liv knew he was hoping she would finally leave him alone and go back to her mom's place.
"Tommy's, thank you", she answered tentatively.
"Sure."
Sinking back in her seat, she reflected on the night. This thing had not been bad necessarily but maybe a little weird. The calculating yet laid back juxtaposition Rasmus sported was starting to come across as a little more off-putting than charming.
They had met up after her training was done and he had bought her a hot-dog from the local fast-food grill, kicked a ball lazily back and forwards to each other on the empty field. Most of the time, she had felt a little out of place and childish and hadn't really known what to say or ask him.
"Remember what I said yesterday about you and him being like family?", Rasmus suddenly asked and took a turn, bringing her back.
"Yeah?"
"As you might have noticed... Sebastian's an idiot but he is still remarkably receptive in his own way. What I'm getting at is... I didn't buy it either, not for a second."
"Bought what?", she asked, her stomach dropping because she was already guessing.
"That he is like a brother to you."
"What? Then why'd you say..?"
"Well I had to help the poor man out, didn't I? He was clearly tortured beyond reason", he interrupted smiling and she straightened up in her seat, pulse hammering.
"Then you're both way off. Tommy doesn't see me like that."
"No, maybe not. But you do, don't you? It's not him we're reading, kid, it's you."
Not letting her chime in he continued:
"No... Tommy's way too good at closing up, becoming a blank slate. His father messed him up real good like that, but you... with your big round puppy eyes, following his every movement."
Now she was positive her cheeks were flaming, which wouldn't help her make her case.
"I don't... I don't do that. Why would you think..."
"Now please don't bother with that. It's not me you have to convince. You ought to start thinking about what you're going to do when Arvid comes back instead. How do you plan to keep him from realizing that his own little sister is so obviously hot for his best friend, like some desperate..."
"Shut up! Shut up, you don't know shit."
Furiously she blinked back tears of shame and a sense of nausea rolled over her. If they had not been about to pull up outside the terrace house she would have considered leaping out the car door. Because he was right, he was right and he knew it and she knew it too, realized she must have known it for a long time and Thomas would never, ever see her like that and that made the way she felt even more embarrassing.
"Judging by your reaction to my accusations I'd say I do in fact know shit."
Getting her training bag and stumbling out, slamming the car door hard she took a step towards the door but then hesitated, wanting anything but to face Thomas like this.
"No, you go ahead and run right into his waiting brotherly arms. Tell him I was bad and mean to you. Just don't tell him I lied because you and me both know damn well I haven't."
Leaning on the side of the car he smiled triumphantly and teasingly at her.
"A blind man could see it. Tell me...", he laughed, "Does he let you sleep next to him in his bed in there? Does wearing his clothes turn you on?"
The things he said made her dizzy with shame and anger and she did not know anything anymore, just that she wanted him to stop talking, really bad. To stop laughing like that, at her. Thinking only of this and of how badly she did not want to feel like this pathetic little girl panting after her older brother's friend, she walked right up to Rasmus. Close, so close she could almost feel his breath on her own face.
"You got it wrong", she said through her teeth.
"Prove it", he mouthed, smirking.
"Alright, I will."
Having no idea from where she got the nerve, she kissed him, aggressively at first, and she felt him laugh, still laugh against her mouth but at least he was not talking anymore. Then he stopped and kissed her back instead, pulled her closer, his hand on the small of her back.
"What the hell", a glacial voice said just then and Liv ripped away from Rasmus immediately, spun around.
"What do you think you're doing?", Thomas snarled, walking up to Rasmus and looking rather murderous while he put up his hands in deterrence.
"Easy Tommy! She kissed me, mate."
Stilling, he quickly scanned her with his eyes.
"She's crying", he said hoarsely.
"He hasn't done anything wrong", Liv admitted, "It's fine. I did... I did kiss him."
After a few seconds, he backed off Rasmus, stared repulsed at her instead.
"I'll leave you to it", Rasmus winked at her and got back in the car, "I had a lovely time, Livvy. You're a good kisser for your age, let me know when you want more practice. Oh, and remember Tommy, sharing is caring."
Before either one of them could react he winked, rolled up the window and drove away.
"I'm driving you to your mom's. You have five minutes to pack up your stuff", Thomas spat after a couple of stunned seconds and stormed back into the house.
Following him inside she felt her own anger grow. He had no goddamn right or reason to look at her with that much disgust, to judge her for this. Not after being so cold to her yesterday.
"Hey, you said you couldn't care less if I went out with him!"
"Well I didn't think you would be stupid enough to actually..!"
Realizing what he was saying he stopped abruptly and Liv's eyes narrowed as she leered at him, a euphoric feeling spreading from her heart. Thomas did care.
"So you lied."
It was the first time she had ever heard him speak without thinking and he appeared completely crestfallen.
"I didn't, no I..."
"Honestly Thomas! Why are you trying to make things more complicated than they have to be?", she said in a taunting imitation of his words from the previous night.
"I'm not! Listen you don't...", he staggered a bit, "You don't stand outside my place necking mine and Arvid's old friends!"
"Old friends? Must be some friend for you to neck his girlfriend then...", she snorted and he paled.
"They're not together remember! Regardlessly, Rasmus won't throw away what he has with Salma for you if that's what you're thinking."
"That's not what I was thinking at all."
"Then why would you even see him, why kiss him!? Are you just trying to make everyone as miserable as possible?"
For the life of her she could not understand why he seemed so utterly crushed and exasperated all at the same time. There was a look on him as if he wanted to crawl out of his own skin.
"I'm the one making people miserable!? You know what, you've always been strange but these last couple days you've just been acting un-fucking-explainably - even for you! One second you care tons and the next you don't at all. You act all nice like you used to for a while, but then suddenly you change and it's like I'm the most disgusting, annoying thing and...", her voice caught, "You're fucking me up! You're driving me crazy!"
"I am?", his voice was shaking with disbelieving laughter, "I'm fucking you up? I'm driving you out your mind, huh?"
Despite knowing he was teetering on the edge of something which he ought not to, he couldn't bring himself to leave it alone just yet. Reproach emitted from his entire body.
"Rasmus is dead the second Arvid finds out. Got it? So I strongly advise you never ever so much as think about seeing him again."
Unable to help herself, she let out an exasperated moan. It was always about Arvid. Just this once she had wanted at least some of Thomas's protectiveness to be on behalf of himself.
"I have right to a fucking will of my own, you know? Arvid can't tell me who I can see. Or who I can kiss."
"No?"
"Or hell, who I can sleep with for that matter."
All reason left him as soon as he heard her utter those words and he got to his feet.
"I'm not in the slightest afraid of what Arvid would do."
"And what I would do? That doesn't scare you? Because it should."
Things were getting out of hand, she knew it too.
"What would you do?", she asked slowly.
Thomas didn't answer, just stared her down. Both their cheeks were burning and he looked deeply pained, just as pained as she felt and suddenly they were kissing and tugging at each other. Anger and desire combined. It was in the way she fisted his shirt and he dragged his teeth lightly over her skin. It could be like this? Had she been able to form coherent thoughts, she would have concluded that the kiss with Rasmus was nothing in comparison to this, just slimy and weird. How could she have thought that he reminded her even the least bit of Thomas, the Thomas who was kissing her so roughly and somehow tenderly at the same time, as if he was starved of her lips, her touch. Just as she thought that, he broke the kiss and moved away from her, breathing shallow quick breaths.
"No. No", he gasped as if he might undo what had happened by saying so with enough force.
Gathering herself a bit, she straightened up awkwardly and saw that he had put his hands over his face.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I did that."
Agonized, he pulled further away, moved towards the staircase.
"I'm not", she said blankly.
"I apologize. What we did, I did, was wrong and I take full responsibility for it. I should not have blurred the lines like that."
The cold, detached formality in his voice dug into her painfully and she did not confirm that she agreed but just looked away, jaw clenched.
"Liv."
When she finally turned her face to him she looked hurt, confused too, but mostly just hurt and angry. Dark brows all furrowed and a bitter glint in her narrowed, brown eyes. They flickered over him in disbelief.
"Sure Tommy. Don't worry 'bout it."
He looked at her hesitantly.
"Lucky me though, right? Scoring tongue from two of my brother's mates within an hour. Some night."
A slight tremor went through him and he swallowed with difficulty.
"I'm driving you home first thing in the morning."
Before she could answer he shut her down.
"No. This is where I draw the line. You need to get out of here as soon as possible. It's not negotiable."
Without another word he turned his back and headed upstairs.