I had a dream, and, strangely, in that dream, Danny's eyes, which I had always assumed were full of lies, looked incredibly honest for once. I wondered if that's the way they always looked, but my memories were never wrong.
The dream felt almost real.
It felt like it was a projection of my own guilt torturing me for not thanking Danny enough for bringing me back home safely. Or the guilt I felt about taking advantage of a genuine kindness just because my parents had lied to me.
I thought thanking him yesterday would make the guilt go away, but he still continues to show up in my dreams. It was suddenly like an answer key appearing clearer in my mind each time.
I was only treating him the way I did because every time I dreamed about him, I felt a heavy sense of shame. I thought that if I had made him into a person lower than me, I'd be fine. But for some reason, I couldn't stop these feelings that I've harbored for more than ten years. I just want an answer that will provide some kind of clarity.
But clarity is something I already had enough of. The facts are, if it weren't for Danny, no one would've given two shits about me. If it weren't for Danny, no one would've looked for me and my parents would've never reported me missing. I would've been hurt beyond repair on multiple occasions had he not been there to help me. I would've been in trouble way more if he hadn't had my back. I would've spent day after day passed out in a cold street had Danny not been around. All those times I avoided the rain and getting sick just for him to get sick covering me up. I probably would've even flunked out of school if not for him.
And what did I do in return?
I blamed him for all my perceived misfortune. I lied to him about everything I did and created nothing but trouble for him. He had gotten bullied because I told people to start bullying him. I almost killed him by spiking his drink and lied about it to cover my own ass! I was the reason he was hospitalized many times. I kept wishing death on him out loud to his face because I knew it would bother him the most. I treated him like he was my personal slave and never stood up for him even though he always had my back no matter what. I let him stand outside in rain or cold to make him wait for me countless times so that he will get sick. I pretended to be kind to him just so I could use him to lie to my parents and go out with some girl I didn't even like. He even got beat up by someone I stupidly called a friend just because he was trying to help me not get in any trouble.
What killed me is, even after I did all that, he still helped me even more. My parents apologized to me about everything they ever lied to me about like he said they would. They acknowledged that it was their fault that I turned on Danny. They promised me that they would do better and that I didn't have to play football anymore. My mother, who felt really cold to me before, warmed up to me for the first time since I was little. My father apologized and said he would stop hitting me. My brother gave me the tightest hug i think I ever experienced. Even my Nonna apologized for criticizing me all that time over the phone when my parents came clean to her.
What the hell was I supposed to do about this now that Danny solved one of my biggest problems for me? I had nothing to be angry about anymore, but I was still angry. What the hell did he expect me to do after giving me truth? What was I supposed to do after he just improved my quality of life? Did he expect me to just admit that all this could've been solved with just a simple friendly conversation years ago?
The thought hit me extremely hard. Why hadn't I ever just spoken to him about this kind of stuff? If I had, would it be me spending the night at his house instead of Ashton?
Going to school the next day by myself was normal, I guess. Thankfully when I was leaving, Ashton's car was still in the driveway, so I can assume they'll be late. It would probably do me well not to see those two act so close and piss me off so early.
"Hey, Vinny! I heard you ran away from home," Martin's friend, Sam Kim, approached me in the hallway.
"Like hell I ran away!" So that bastard told everyone he....there's no way Danny could've told anybody about it yet. Even if he did, no one would ever believe him or listen to him speak, and that's all my fault. "I just needed a break so I went to go blow off some steam."
"When you weren't here, the football coach came to our class freaking out looking for you. He was so mad he dragged Hospice Boy out of the room," Sam told me. Now that I heard someone call him that stupid name that Martin got trending, I felt more awful instead of....well awful.
"Whatever, any changes?"
"None."
That's a relief, even though I confused as to why I'm relieve that nothing else was different. What are you so afraid of Vincenzo? When you turn your head, he'll be there like always is, so what are you afraid of?
I sat at my desk alone ignoring Sam and the rest of Martins buddies talk about something I didn't care about. We're they always this annoying? Come to think of it Martin has also been getting on my nerves as of late suddenly. Truthfully, I hate this group of people I was surrounded by.
I didn't have a single real friend I liked.
All of a sudden it occurred to me, all those times that Danny had approached me, might have actually been sincere. Not to gain anything like Martin and everyone else like I had so foolishly thought. I had nothing to offer anyone except my looks, and due to my foolish pride, I shut out the only person who genuinely didn't want anything from me.
Why was I so arrogant yesterday? I could've had a talk with Danny yesterday about this, but since he just wanted to scold me about Ashton, I didn't listen to a thing he said. He hasn't reached out since last night and I didn't see him or Ashton in their usual seat.
"Is hospice boy really going out with Ashton?" Sam asked me.
"How should I know?" I grumbled. The thought of Danny bring with that guy disturbed me to no end. I hated the very idea of Danny locking lips with that huge weirdo. "It's just a rumor."
"My friend said they've been really cozy with each other lately," Sam continued on. "Who would've known that our Ashton swung that way. I don't actually care but he definitely has bad taste."
"Bad taste?"
"Yeah, if he was going to go out with a boy, why would he choose a loser like Hospice Boy?" Sam laughed along with his friends. I didn't really care either about Ashton's love affair, but I agree that he shouldn't have picked Danny.
"Just drop it, I said they're not dating. Danny would never date Ashton." I told myself.
"Who's Danny?"
"Um, Hospice Boy," god these people don't even know his name, and it's all my fault that it's this way. Just a week ago I probably would've felt the same as Sam, but now that I was keen to everything, it all just sounded awful to me. I'm responsible for destroying Danny's social life.
He even tried his hardest to avoid me at all costs last year and I selfishly dragged him back into my misery because I thought he was nothing. It was crazy how just one night could flip my view on everything I believed to be true for the past couple years.
Ever since I entered middle school, I felt uncomfortable around Danny because my dad thought we were too close. To not upset my dad, I adapted to thinking that Danny was becoming a thorn in my side and I kept wondering when the hell he'd get out of my life so I could stop feeling anything for him.
But it's not like I ever expected it to really happen, because even though that's all I ever wanted, I never actually could clearly imagine my life without him in it. Especially now, knowing the reason that Danny even helped me wasn't because he forgave me, but because he just that good of a person.
No matter what, he's been on my side since the beginning. I'm such a fucking asshole, no wonder Danny wanted to get away from me when he did. Nothing in school had a changed at all, except that Danny isn't here.
I shouldn't expect change from him though, when it was me with the problem.
After school had ended I headed straight for Danny's home. Thankfully, Ashton's car was gone, but I still couldn't bring myself to knock on his door. If I did, what would I even say to him? Should I even try to do this?
Dammit Vincenzo! How hard is it to just apologize to someone who's been good to you? Get over yourself!
Suddenly the door opened and a lightly dressed Danny stood there almost in shock. "Vincenzo?" His voice sounded hoarse and he looked a bit under the weather. He was sick again because of me! "What a surprise."
"Yeah, um, I'm here because you weren't in school today and you missed out on a lot," what the hell am I saying right now? My head is a damn mess. "Also I'm here to check up on your condition after all that happened yesterday."
"Oh, I only have a slight fever, so don't worry," the usual annoyed look I was used to getting from him was no where in sight. In fact, he looked well rested and the dark circles under his eyes had even lightened up. His face seemed to have more color in it and his cheeks looked a bit fuller. His eyes, usually dull and empty, seemed to have regained the light they had in them so long ago when we were kids. He flashed me a happy smile I hadn't seen for years.
He looked alive.
I felt like I couldn't speak due to my arrogance. I'd just assumed that since I felt like shit, he must feel like shit as well. Never once did I picture him smiling like that without me in the picture. It pissed me off!
"Do you want to come in?" He asked.
"No! I just...." I should just put my pride aside and do this. There was no need to keep it up anymore after all. "Thank you."
"What?"
"Thanks to you, I don't have to play football anymore. And also thanks for coming to find me when no one else would."
"You said thanks yesterday," Danny chuckled.
"But, I was angry then! I wanted to thank you correctly." I insisted. I wanted this thank you to be genuine even though it would never make up for my callousness.
"To be honest, my dad thinks I should be switched to homeschooling, but I'm glad I got to go to school with you for as long as I did. If I really hadn't wanted to go, I would've done it from the beginning of this year. I never thought my dad would try to take me out in the last year," Danny sighed. How could he even say all of that? How could he not regret everything? He's too kind for his own good.
"All day, I've really just wanted to say thank you to you....and I'm really sorry. That's why I came all the way here," I finally admitted. "None of what I blamed you for was your fault, but I still blamed you and treated you badly. I regret it all."
"It's all water under the bridge, Vincenzo. I meant it when I said that I just want you to experience happiness for once."
"Then are you and Ashton really dating?" I suddenly asked surprising even myself. I wanted to know about this even though I didn't really have any right to say anything.
"No, but Ashton already warned me about the rumor," Danny sighed. "I can't believe you're listening to those rumors. If I was dating, my dad would tell everyone before I get too."
Right! How could I be worried about those two just because Ashton was gay for Danny.
"Daniel Cunningham! How dare you skip school without telling me!" Danny's dads voice sounded from behind me. "What's wrong? Are you being bullied or something?"
"Dad, I don't get bullied, for the last time," Danny groaned.
"You little shit, I left work because I assumed something was wrong! You just tell me if someone or something is bothering you, I'll pull you right out of that damn school!"
"God, shut up dad! I said it's not like that!" His dad threw his hands up before pushing past us both and making his way into the house.
How could he just say no one bothers him so convincingly like that? He said no one bullies him, but he was always getting picked on wether I was watching or not. He was always alone and quiet and never seemed to have anything to say. It was always like that, and it was all because I hated Danny.
That's the only reason why anyone else would hate him. How many years had it been since he turned into a gloomy person because of that? Six maybe seven years? Even though being around me meant getting picked on, he just endured it silently.
Why did he do all that? Am I really worth him going through all that trouble for?
I felt like a huge burden suddenly, like I was intruding in on his life. I'm felt like a cut that went untreated and got an infection that wouldn't ever go away. I'm pretty sure that's how I felt about Danny in the past but, it seems like it was only me fooling myself.
Because the moment you tried to run from me, I went crazy to chase you. So the truth is, you didn't ruin my life, I ruined yours. Then you had the nerve to tell me that it was water under the bridge.
The guilt I was feeling was making it harder and harder to breathe. I want to run away, because I couldn't control what I'm feeling. What the hell am I going to do about all the bullshit I put him through? Especially since it was all because of a misunderstanding on my part that I never bothered to clear up.
I've stolen, bullied kids with Martin, smoked weed, cigarettes and drank alcohol, but I never felt bad doing any of that. Now, I just feel like I'm a total piece of garbage.
I don't understand how he could just go on smiling like he was. Doesn't he think of the past and how many times I wronged him when he looks at me? Does he not remember what he was feeling all that time because of me?
"I.....I'm not a good person," I admitted.
"I'm not sure what's on your mind right now, but sometimes you get weird when you're in a bad mood. Still if someone comes to you, you listen. You've always been nice and kind as well, that's why people love you wherever you go. We're teenagers and you made mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself," Danny smiled at me. His comforting gaze made me feel even worse than I already did.
I can't count all the bad things I did to him and how many times I took it too far.
For the entire night, I couldn't erase the way he looked at me from my mind.
I thought maybe I could show my sincerity better by maybe getting him a late birthday gift. You see, I had never forgotten Danny's birthday, i just wanted to be an asshole to him. But it pissed me off that me forgetting didn't seem to bother him at all.
Did he care? I mean didn't he like me?
I walked into the ice cream shop myself to take a look at all the flavors. When I was asked what I wanted, I couldn't help but freeze. "A half gallon of the.....Neapolitan."
I hated myself even more as I paid for the treat. We've known each other since we were in diapers, and I can't name one thing that he likes no matter how hard I tried. I don't even know if he likes ice cream.
Still he looked happy when I handed it over a dug in. "Do you like vanilla?" I asked him.
"What?"
"You just ate some of the vanilla ice cream," I pointed out. He didn't go for chocolate or strawberry first so that must be the flavor he likes the most right?
"Yeah, I like vanilla, but I also like chocolate and strawberry, i don't really have a favorite since I don't eat ice cream a lot," Danny told me. That's not what I wanted to know or hear. You know everything that I like, and now I want to know all of what you like.
"I have a Nintendo switch with a Mario game in it, but I'm really board with it, do you want it?"
"No thanks."
"Then....do you want my PlayStation 5. Honestly I barely even use it now," I offered desperately.
"No, I suck at video games."
"Then what do you want? Is there anything you want from me at all? You can ask me for something like everyone else does. Like how they ask for pictures, snacks and food, you can ask me for anything. I'll give it to you."
Why are you still being so understanding and accepting of me without wanting anything in return? The Danny from the past probably would've asked me to be nicer and stop getting in trouble.
Maybe, he would ask me not to hate him and to smile when I spoke to him. I could imagine him asking me to stop fooling around, with his usual hurt expression that I had grown so used to seeing. Him asking me to help him smile again. I smiled at him and agreed to stop all my bullshit, he reached out to my cheek, and slowly we would close the gap between our lips....
"Vincenzo?" I heard Danny say. I opened my eyes in horror. Danny had indeed reached out to touch my face, but I'd daydreamed the rest of it. I was just holding his hand tightly to my face....for some reason I almost imagined us.... "I just wanted to wipe some ice cream off of your face."
Danny snatched his hand back quickly and looked apologetic. Shit! "Sorry, I spaced out for a second." I bowed my head to him nervously. Just what the fuck was that?
Not this bullshit again!
The next day, on the way to school, I thought of a great idea, but I scrapped it immediately when I saw Danny laughing with Ashton. Why the hell was this jerk still following him around?
"What?" Ashton asked me when I strolled up to them before the beginning of class. "You buy that apple watch so you could apologize?"
"Why would I apologize to someone like you?" I hissed at him. I could understand Ashton being confused right now, as I too was lost as to why seeing his face suddenly always annoyed the shit out of me. "I just came to show off what I bought this morning!"
"It's cool, new model?" Danny asked looking at the box curiously.
"Yeah, I just wanted to show off the box first," I covered for myself before heading back to my seat across the classroom. How could I split those two up for a little so I can give Danny this watch. I have eight birthdays to make up for and the guy is ruining it.
As lunch period rolled by I could see that Danny had disappeared with Ashton somewhere. After brushing off everyone I possibly could, I took my chance to go and look for them.
I could call him right? I took my phone out to dial his number, but stopped when I heard his laughter coming from the pavilion. Turning to my left, I saw the backs of both Ashton and Danny sitting on the bench swing....way too close for my liking.
They looked like they were a lot closer than just friends as they sat shoulder to shoulder in a world of their own. Why couldn't they be more careful? This was how rumors about them got started in the first place.
Ashton put his arm around Danny's shoulders and they spoke with their faces close to each other, but Danny didn't seem to mind it at all. I know for a fact that Danny has never had a girlfriend, but it never occurred to me the reason why.
I stood watching them be intimate for about five more minutes. When I finally snapped out of it, I could feel that my back was drenched in sweat.
Usually, when you start disliking someone, there's a reason. Martin put his hands on Danny after I told him not too, so I can't stand to look at him. Ashton only started to get on my nerves when he took a sudden interest in Danny.
A bitter taste was filling my mouth. I'm not sure why I'm so pissed! Because Ashton is gay and I'm not allowed to be? No, I've always known about that. I even overlooked him kissing that older guy. Because I never noticed that Danny likes guys? No, Martin told me he was sure that Danny was gay, and reasonable explanations as to why. Because Danny might start dating Ashton?
I stopped walking after catching a glimpse of myself. I've never seen myself look so genuinely upset. This is fucking bullshit! I can't believe it!
Fuck! I shouldn't have done any of what I did back then! I shouldn't have used Danny as my punching bag to take my anger out on. I should've just talked to the only real friend I ever had.
I shouldn't have thrown away everything he gave me from his heart! I shouldn't have wished for him to die! I shouldn't have bullied him along with everyone else! I shouldn't have ever insulted him! I shouldn't have taken him for granted!
I should've been treated him better than he ever treated me. If it weren't for me misunderstanding everything, I would've treated Danny better than anyone. I know it's true too, I would've done everything for him.
Back in the day, when I was nice to Danny, he would smile a lot and could barely contain his happiness. I could feel the love oozing from him. That feeling of being loved didn't feel so bad. In fact, I enjoyed it quite a bit. It made me happy that he only loved me. That's why I changed so drastically when my parents lied to me.
If only you could look at me like that again.
The scene of him and Ashton filled my head. Danny said they weren't dating, but they look like a couple that was really happy. They looked like they didn't have to care about anyone or anything around them because they had each other.
It should've been me. All of that could've been me!
So, I like Danny. I more than like him, that's why I've felt bad for so long. I'm definitely in love with him.....since as long as I can remember.
I felt a new pain taking over my body. There's no one I can possibly blame but myself for us turning out how we did, not even Martin. I'm the only reason that I can't have the one I want. I didn't know what I had, and now it's gone and dead. I'm just a regular person to him now.
If I were to run away a long time ago, I would assume someone would come looking for me, after all, I was always surrounded by people who liked me. But now I know it was only Danny who actually gave a shit. He took care of me, saved me, loved me.
There's only one of him in the whole world. Once he gives his heart to someone, he's the type to take care of them for years, he's so loyal that there was probably no chance of winning him back. But what can I do?
I know, that no matter what happens, I won't give up on him. I'll never give up on him, even if it means that I have to crush Ashton in the process.
I don't want to be held back by the past as we've both been through a lot of pain. I wish that when we looked at each other, there wouldn't be any painful memories or emotions that could come between us. Like back when we didn't feel pain or really anything but friendship between each other.
Will that be impossible for us to do? How much more rage am I going to have to go through?
"I need a drink!" I could feel my chest aching from my lack of breathing, which I was was just noticing. I needed to calm the hell down somehow! Right now!
"Woah! You look scary!" Sam suddenly appeared beside me. I should tell him and his people to break up the lovely scene I just fucking saw with my own eyes.
"It's nothing, I'm just pissed off about...." I might be jumping the gun here. I can't trust this guy so easily if he's Martin's friend. "Introduce me to some girls you know."
"Uh, sure," Sam perked up a bit and together we left school grounds. The two of us took a taxi and as Sam was familiar with wherever he was bringing me, he directed the driver. "Martin's not here today so I brought you to the usual spot."
We pushed open the doors of the building and the sounds of deafening music and flashing lights assaulted me. I followed him to our usual room where some girls from school were already hanging out.
"I brought Vinny!" Sam suddenly said to the group making them all turn to look at us. With my usual attitude I strode over and sat in the center as usual. Only then did I start to observe the ten people around me. Six guys, four girls.
Among the girls, I noticed the second prettiest girl in school after Minnie Thompson, Olivia Banning, the other three must've been her friends since they were all trying to look like her. The lights in the room were too dim for me to recognize everyone else.
I forced Danny to come here with me a few times, and it never did go very well for him. I ditched him the first chance I got and left him to fend for himself in the hostile crowd. He had gotten pushed around and bullied by almost everyone inside the club so badly, that by the time I was ready to go, he had been reduced to tears. People had ripped his clothes, threw drinks on him, and stuck wads of gum in his already thinning hair.
Because he didn't get up when I told him too, because he was crying, I had just left him there outside of the club because I thought he deserved it. After that incident, I forced him to tag along with me countless times where I let people tear him apart mentally.
"Where's your dog?" I heard Olivia ask me.
I knew it was my fault that his reputation was shit. "He's not a dog, and I don't know where he is."
"He isn't why you fought Martin?" Another girl asked. "He said you fought him because he beat up Hospice Boy. You should apologize to Martin, he was only trying to help you keep him in line."
"You should shut the fuck up," I told her right back.
"Girl, you know can't believe anything Martin says!" Olivia piped up right after me. She sure knew how to take an opportunity, didn't she? What a bitch.
"Serves you right! Stop talking about things you know nothing about!" Sam laughed along with everyone else much to the girl's embarrassment. It was definitely too much, but she crossed the line by suggesting that I make amends with Martin.
If I did, how could I face Danny again?
"Then is it true Hospice Boy has a boyfriend?" Another girl asked me.
"They're not dating," I glared at her as well.
"I think that's just a rumor, Lauren. Vinny and Hospice boy are neighbors, so if that was going on, he would know," Olivia spoke before I could continue. Why was this girl suddenly speaking for me?
"Yeah, it's just a rumor, like I said." I huffed. Olivia pushed some hair behind her ear and leaned in a bit closer to me.
"It's cool, I'll keep them in line for you," Olivia assured me. I didn't ask for her to do that on my behalf. What an annoying shitty kind of girl. I was strangely used to this kind of thing going on around me.
Is this my life? Now that I look back on the kind of people I chose to associate with just to piss off my parents was a bit embarrassing. I can see why I couldn't see myself turning pathetic like they were.
I was in an echo chamber.
This was getting old for me and it isn't their fault. They're psychologically fucked up just like me, I was just able to break out of the mindset they all seemed to share.
"I'm going down to smoke," I announced. Usually I would go alone but Sam found it necessary to follow me silently. Getting annoyed by having a new follower, I pulled out my debit card. "Here, pay for our time and get a round for everyone."
"Ok!" Sam saluted and went to do as I asked.
When I finally reached the smoking area and lit my cigarette, I felt I could finally relax. I felt a sense of guilt for doing this right now. I'm still unhappy even though I'm seeing hot girls and I can't stop thinking about Danny.
Then, what I knew was that I definitely liked Danny, but I'm not sure if I'm gay. I do have strong feelings towards him, but it may just be the normal possessiveness I felt towards him. It may even be the extreme guilt I kept feeling everyday.
But why else would I get jealous if not for this. Shit I even dated Minnie for so long because she reminded me of Danny's personality. We only broke up because she wouldn't stop shit talking Danny.
"Hey!" I turned my head and immediately regretted it. Olivia walked quickly towards me with a smile on her face. I didn't have a good feeling about this girl at all. She was someone just like me, who takes advantage of people to control them using their looks. "I heard you settled the bill just now. Let's hang out together more. Maybe alone."
In response I blew my cigarette smoke in her face. "I'm busy." Hopefully she'll catch onto my bad mood and just leave me alone. I clearly made a mistake coming here to try and see if I could find interest in someone else. No one here could compare to Danny, and I knew it.
"Wow, you're smoking? Girls like me don't really like it when guys smoke," she batted her lashes at me.
"What does that have to do with me?"
"That's so un-classy, just quit it," she looked at me as if she was pleading with me innocently. As if she could say anything about class. If she was so classy, why did she fuck everything that moved in this bar? Yet she dares to lecture me about something?
"Fucking annoying bitch, if you hate it so much go back with your stupid friends. I don't give a shit what you think," I snapped at her to her surprise. No one usually speaks to her like this, so I hope it got my point across.
"That was a lot," Sam suddenly appeared next to me with his own lit cigarette.
"She's the one who came into the smoking area to try and lecture me about smoking! Where did that girl learn to talk so much? She's so annoying."
"She's mad."
"So what if she's mad? Why should I care about that girl being mad at me? Unless you like her, Sam." I pouted a bit but realized that I was exactly right. "I'm not interested in a girl someone else likes. And even though I don't like her, I won't interfere with your love affair."
"You think she'll go for it with me?"
"Well she clearly hates cigarettes, so you'll have to quit that."
"I can do that," Sam took a long drag of his cigarette. "Today will be my last one forever."
"That's a good idea," I said. I'll stop smoking cigarettes so I can be around Danny more....or at least try to be if Ashton wasn't around him like he always was now.
I could start by not hanging out around here as much as I'm used too. I've always kind of naturally found myself drawn to this place because it was taboo for my age, and that fact just now makes me feel strange. Danny wouldn't come within a mile of this place if not for me.
How long am I going to be at this standstill?
I put my cigarette out halfway then took out my pack. "Here," I handed the pack to Sam. "Get rid of these too while you're at it."
"Sure," Sam said. "If I didn't like Olivia, would you have gone out with her?"
"No, there's already someone I want."
"Oh? That's surprising for someone like you. I never would've thought that someone who had the pick of the litter would be fine with just one person." Sam looked at me in awe. "Good luck, though you probably don't need it."
"I do, they probably hate me."
"How could that be possible? It's not like you aren't good to everyone. You were mean to all the girls but you still took care of everything. You're a good guy," Sam pointed out. His words just annoyed me to no end, because he was just one of the many people around me in my echo chamber. He refuses to acknowledge that I've been a piece of shit just because I was nice to him.
"That's not true, I'm a bully and an asshole," I said. "I can't call myself a good guy after I hurt them so badly. I'm not a nice person at all."
"You must really like this girl to be able to dig deep like that?" Sam said. "Or....the only person I can think of that would probably really hate you is...well never mind."
"You're right, it's Danny," I said having no intention of hiding this.
"Well....then you might be royally fucked. You've been extra mean to him," Sam sighed. Was he not surprised or disgusted by this? He's taking the news that I'm a homo really well.
"You're ok with it?"
"I don't understand it, but it's none of my business honestly. It doesn't bother me who lays in your bed because it doesn't effect me at all. Just don't get gay for me because I'm straight."
"Not possible. You're too ugly for me to like."
"And that's why you're single, you arrogant asshole. I suggest you don't quit cold turkey or else you'll be a bigger asshole," Sam joked. "But seriously, if he didn't like you back a little bit, he would've never put up with you for so long."
"But I took it too far, there's no way I have chance at all anymore. Besides, he has Ashton being nice to him now."
"But you said they aren't dating, so you still have a chance. Don't tell me the great high and mighty Vincenzo is going to give up just because of a little competition. I'm a little disappointed." Sam egged me on. "I didn't think you were the type to give up without a fight."
"I'm not giving up! I just don't know what to do," I snapped at him.
"Isn't that supposed to be normal?" Sam said. "My brother always says we go thru life improvising everything the best we can. So just do that."
Improvise. I can do that. Maybe I was wrong to judge Sam too quickly. He was usually a silent person when he was around Martin and I, but he seemed like he had his head on right. "Why'd you hang out with Martin and I?"
"I don't want to be a target, but I don't want to be a bully, the only way to be sure of that was to get into the circle."
"Then why are you looking after me?"
"At first, it was because I was worried about my place now that you and Martin aren't on good terms anymore. But now it's because of your self reflection, you seem more like a real person now and not just a Martin knockoff."
"Anything to survive, huh?" Just like me.
"Yup. Don't take it to heart, I'd like to be friends, but you guys weren't interested in that before and I just wanted a peaceful school year,"Sam finished his cigarette and immediately took some gum out to start chewing on it. God, have I been that bad to have people worried about me like that? "Let's get a drink. I need some courage to flirt with Olivia."
The two of us went back inside and ordered drinks, not even bothering to rejoin the group. After a while, we were pulled back to play a few drinking games. Before I knew it, it was around ten o'clock.
Since the two of us were heading in different directions, I sent Sam and Olivia off in a taxi so he can have sone alone time with her as my thanks. Sam seemed even more grateful to me for the opportunity and thanked me profusely.
When they drove out of sight, I caught my own taxi home.
Arriving home, I could see that someone sat outside waiting for me. At first I thought it was just because I was tipsy, but it looked like Danny was outside on my porch.
"Why are you outside?" I asked him when I got closer. Didn't he know that it was getting late and cold outside? Was my wanting to get away to think another selfish stupid thing that's going to make him sick?
"What's that smell?" Danny asked.
Shit. He had the worst timing. "I went to go hang out. I had a few drinks and a cigarette, but I only had just one. I'm quitting cigarettes."
"Oh, sorry, I was just-"
"It's ok, I'm used to you nagging me, I'll listen to it," I said. I'm just glad he still wanted to nag me at all about anything. I opened up the front door. "Please come in, stop waiting in the cold. Since you're here, I guess you can't go over to Ashton's house at night."
"Ashton's house? What reason do I have to be there now?" Danny followed me inside my house and right into my room after he greeted Giacomo. I was glad that he was with me right now instead of that guy. "Have you eaten anything? My dad said-"
"Are you going to eat me if I haven't eaten?" I asked him. Danny looked extremely confused at the moment, so maybe I should pull it back a bit. There's a more subtle method I guess. "I ate already."
I made sure he was looking right at me before I took off my shirt. I wasn't as tall and my muscles weren't as big as Ashton's, and I had a few scars from my dad, but dammit I was still tall and muscular.
"Where'd you go today?" Danny turned his head so he wasn't looking anymore. Shit, I'll just leave it off then.
"Why so curious?"
"Something you can't tell me?"
"Is it because you think of me like some kid brother?" I asked. The last thing I wanted was to be bro zoned.
"No, it's because we're friends."
"I have too many friends, but no one else does what you do."
"That's because we're more like brothers!" Danny insisted.
"Then help me put this necklace on, friend. I can't get the latch," I held up my old favorite necklace I had planned on giving to him earlier today along with the Apple Watch. It was just a gold chain with an Italian horn, but it's a hand me down from Italy. Nonna said that it bring happiness and luck if it's put on by someone you love, but I wasn't going to tell Danny the backstory.
"Necklace? Did you buy it?" Danny asked.
"No, it's a hand me down from Nonna." I explained. Thinking nothing of it, Danny took the necklace from my hands. He went to walk behind me to do it up easily but due to a new wave of courage I stopped him and sat on my bed. "Just clasp it this way."
Danny leaned closer to me so he could see the clasp and I took this moment to take in his smell. The Lavender cleaner and topical creams made me feel extremely giddy. He smelled really good.
"Done," Danny moved back slowly. "Are you not going to tell me what you've been thinking lately? Where did you go?"
I put my arms around him and moved him into a position where he straddled me. I never really noticed how small and fragile he felt. "Do you really want to know what I've been thinking lately? It's really quite simple. Danny, can you kiss a guy?"
"What?"
"I understand why you never told me if you can do that, so how about you be honest with me first?" I looked right into his eyes as I felt him panicking.
"How much did you drink again?"
"Yes, I had a few drinks, but I'm not drunk, just tipsy! I'm being honest," I took the opportunity to lace our fingers together and move my face closer to his blushing face. "If you're into guys, tell me first. Because I'm disappointed."
"Vincenzo, what-"
"I'm so disappointed that I'm the last one to know, because now you think about someone else! You told that guy and not me. Don't you think about me at all?" I hugged him closer to me and I could see his hands turning pink now.
An all over blush? That's really hot.
"What are you talking about?" Danny managed to get out.
"If Ashton saw you like this, he'd freak out, right? We'd be in trouble wouldn't we?" I whispered into his ear. I could feel Danny trembling in my arms and I suddenly didn't want to look at his face. "Why are you so shaking like that? Are you mad?"
Silence. I pulled back and just saw Danny's red face and the shock. Have I taken things too far? Did I somehow manage to scare him? "I....I....I....why are you acting so unpredictable? I thought you got over acting up!"
"Because I've realized that it's my only way to keep you with me now, even if I feel really guilty about it. If I act up, you'll come running to me. I'm desperate. Are you upset that I'm doing something so manipulative and childish?"
"Vincenzo, what's going on?" Danny asked quietly. Seeing his flustered face up close was a brand new turn on for me, so I couldn't look at it for long. He didn't look upset so I put my head on his shoulder and held him tightly to me. How could I tell him calmly?
"If you tell me to do something, I'll do it. I'll do whatever you ask of me, I promise, even if I don't want to do it." I told him. "Today I went to the club, I smoked a cigarette and I drank alcohol. That's the truth. What do you want me to do? Tell me, because I don't know."
"Um, please don't go back to that place again," Danny asked quietly.
"Then can I hang out with you more?" Anything to keep you and Ashton from getting closer.
"I don't know! Whatever!" At this point Danny had his head in his pink hands from being so flustered. I bet Ashton couldn't get this kind of reaction from him.
"Then can you sleep over? Like we did in the past?" I asked him. He reacted to me, so it's enough for tonight. I don't want to take it too far until I lose control and pounce on him or get carried away and confess to him so soon.
"Fine," Danny agreed. "Let me just tell my dad. And put a shirt on." I'm glad that he'll stay with me. I'm glad he wants to stay with me. I resisted the urge to kiss him deeply like I wanted too and just lay us down together.
My bed had never felt so comfortable and warm to me before, and it turned out that the only thing that was missing all this time was Danny.
"I like to sleep naked," I whispered in his ear again feeling Danny tense up as I tightened my arms around his waist not leaving any space between us. "I'm tired. Hold me like you used to when we were kids."
Danny didn't move for a good minute after I said this, much to my disappointment. I've failed haven't I? Im too late! Im getting insecure the more time he takes.
It's all my fault anyway. Maybe I was still thinking about only myself too much. All the things that happened between us won't just disappear from his mind either. But if Danny never forgives me, what will I do? If I can never win his heart back, what will I do? If the day when I can kiss and hold you never comes, what will I do?
I won't be able to stand it. I can already barely breathe from just the thought of it.
"F-fine, only because you're acting super weird. You need to calm down," Danny wrapped his thin arms around me and let me relax into his embrace, instantly relieving me of my insecurities. "I can still see you panicking, so just relax a bit more."
We were a perfect fit.