My mother and I stood there staring at each other amidst the commotion around us. I can't believe I was standing in front of her after saying something impulsively. But if Ashton says this might be a way I can find my happiness, then I need to be brave and face her without being scared. After all, Ashton has never steered me wrong.
I nodded at her and she nodded back before leading us behind the counter into a back room. After sending one of the workers out of the room, she sat at the round wooden table and motioned for us to sit across from her.
After a few seconds of staring at each other I started to sweat profusely. What the fuck was I actually doing here? What exactly was talking to this lady who abandoned me going to accomplish for me? Everything that happened has already happened and she missed it all. Talking to her won't change that. In the end this'll all just be for nothing and I'll feel worse than I already do, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to just leave.
As if sending my anxiety rising and my desire to flee, Ashton grabbed my hand and motioned for me to take a deep breath.
That's right! If Ashton is here, this could go alright. "Hello."
"Um, hello," she just kept staring at me as if she were judging me. Did I look sick? Why am I trying to impress her?
"So, um, what's your name?" I asked.
"Teresa Giordano, like the Facebook says," she kept staring at me. Why is she staring at me like that and observing everything I do? "I'm sorry that I'm staring. You probably have more questions than that. Can I start by telling you why I left? That must be your biggest question."
"Yes please," I said. Ashton squeezed my hand gently to try and comfort me.
"I loved your father very much and I felt as if I had the perfect life with just him. My career had taken off and I was constantly traveling. My life with him was modest but enjoyable, still being mentally under developed I wasn't happy when I found out I was pregnant. In my head, I started rationalizing your dad leaving me if he had ever found out. If I had told my parents, they would've called me a whore for getting pregnant out of wedlock. My entire life felt like it was ending and I felt like I would lose everything. I wasn't brave enough to go to a clinic on my own, but I wasn't brave enough to tell your father either.
"Eventually there came a time when I couldn't hide it anymore. Your dad found my hospital bills and he had suspected something was up after my morning sickness became unavoidable. On impulse I blurted it out to him because I had gotten burnt out from hiding it and coming up with different reasons for my food sensitivity. I thought he would throw me into the street. Instead, he was the happiest I had ever seen him and that scared me even more.
"That's where the breakdown in our relationship began. I began to worry that he would love you more than me, after all, I barely lifted a finger after your father found out. I'd never been treated like such a fragile princess before, and it bugged me that it was only because I was pregnant with you. I'd fight with him over wether he loved me or you more. I felt like I was losing my fiancé to a baby I thought I didn't want.
"By the time you were almost full term, there was no saving anything in my mind. There was no point in fighting him about you anymore so I suggested dropping you off at an nice orphanage I had found. I thought it was the solution to the problem, but when I asked your dad to sign the papers, he refused. He told me that he'll be breaking off the engagement and only letting me stay with him until you were born. That if I wasn't going to take responsibility with him, he was going to do it alone.
"In my head, he had just chosen you over me. We stopped speaking all together, even though we were living in the same house, until you were born. He thought I would change my mind in the hospital, but I stood firm in running away from it all. I gave your dad full custody and ran away the first chance I got. The entire time I waited for you dad to join me, so I never lost contact with him, but I stopped waiting for him after a few years.
"I frequently received photos and video of you as you started to grow. I could see that he was really nice to you and that you became his entire world, better than I felt I could be. In the beginning because of my career, I thought I disliked receiving the emails with videos and photos of you two. After about nine years, for some inexplicable reason, I one day started to really look at them. You were so young but I had still missed so many milestones. I went all the way back to the beginning many times, and watched you progress from a baby to a teenager.
"It wasn't until I realized that I had stayed awake all night looking at you, that even with the career I wanted to keep and being free of judgement, I finally was able to recognize just how was alone and miserable I had become. That I had ruined my most healthy relationship and pushed anyone who would love me away by running away from my problems. I was so desperate to stop change from happening that, I destroyed every relationship I ever had including with you." She wiped her tears from her face. "By the time I realized that I wanted you, it didn't seem right to intrude in your life, especially when your dad tells me you're doing better now. So I asked your dad to have you make your decision."
"So it wasn't because you didn't want me?" I wasn't sure what else I should ask right now after receiving such a rational explanation. I'm not even sure what kind of face I was making. I'm angry that it all made sense.
"No, all my life I just avoided anything that was hard for me, but everything still caught up to me in the end. I have no excuse for leaving you the way I did, and I sincerely apologize. I regret leaving you and your father because I refused to deal with my own insecurities so much. You may not believe me, but I really do love you, Daniel." Teresa said. "I've really missed you."
I felt...well I'm not sure how I felt. It was a mix of relief that I had gone thru with meeting my mother and relief that I was wrong about her intentions. She self sabotaged and ran away from her problems, though I don't understand leaving someone you claim to love so much. The nerve or her to be so calm in front of me.
"Why not go to therapy?"
"Because I was too scared to accept that I had a problem. Have you ever thought a way of thinking was correct your entire life just to have that way blow up in your face later?" She asked. I nodded. "I gave into my fear since I was a child, because I was taught it's better to keep everyone around me happy. Therapy would've destroyed everything I believed in and I couldn't handle it back then."
I...understand her cowardly way of thinking. I can sympathize with not being able to break a mindset. "What made you accept it fully and stick to the change?"
"My brother cutting me off so he didn't have to deal with my cowardice anymore. He's my only living family and when I saw how much I had hurt him by ignoring how he felt, the loneliness and regret really hit me like a bus."
Why did we have to be similar in our thinking? She waited for me to say something in response but I couldn't think of anything to say. I just wanted the awkwardness to go away really badly. It's suffocating.
"I'm mad at you."I blurted out. "All this time I thought you left because you didn't want me. And now you're telling me that that was a lie all this time. I actually understand what you went thru, but I'm still pissed at you."
"I can see why. I missed everything about your life, I don't know you at all as a person and yet here I am just living my life. It doesn't seem fair to you does it?" She asked.
"No! Do you even know what I've gone thru?" I asked. I wanted to blame my life feeling like it was going downhill on her, but logically I couldn't. All the bullying that happened to me was Vincenzo's fault and, so I couldn't blame her for anything like that.
"Can you tell me?" She asked.
"Why would you care?"
"I can't do over all that time I missed. I don't know what you've been through, but if you tell me, maybe I can offer you some support as your mother....if you want it." She smiled at me.
On impulse I turned to Ashton who was watching our exchange intensely. He nodded at me signaling that this was ok to do or maybe he was silently telling me to decide for myself. "My nickname at school is Hospice Boy."
"You're being bullied for being sick?" She gasped angrily. "Aren't you friends with that DeVellis boy? Why hasn't he helped you?"
I winced at her assuming that we were friends, but then again, dad doesn't even know about it. "He's the leader."
"Your dad told me-"
"I lied to him. Vincenzo and I haven't gotten along since middle school realistically. I didn't want to ruin dads friendship with his friends," I told her.
"That's not up to you, Daniel! Your father worries for your well being every single day, I hear it in his voice when he tells me about you!" She snapped at me. "What has this little shit done to you?"
I went on to explain everything that has been happening for the last ten years, even somethings that Ashton didn't know. I told her how Vincenzo spiked my drink and lied to my dad about it even after I had almost died. I told her of all the embarrassment I suffered at his hands at home and at school. I ranted about how many times I kept him out of trouble for his sake just for him to turn around and be a dick to me. I told her how he had used me to get away with slacking off after I had tried to distance myself. I told her that because of him, I haven't had a good birthday in ten years, let alone a good day. I told her about the many times he just sat there watching me get hit knowing full well that he could stop it at any time. I even told her about the many times I contemplated taking my own life just so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. "The most confusing thing is that, almost overnight, he went from being like that to chasing after me romantically."
"I forbid that relationship and so will your father," Teresa said quite firmly. "I understand that you're just kids, but to go from putting your life in danger so many times to professing his love for you sounds like guilt to me. Any normal person would feel remorse for that kind of extreme bullying at some point in their lives. Why did it happen so suddenly?"
"His home life wasn't easy, he was neglected and pushed onto dad and I by his parents," I said. I then went on to explain the sad story of Vincenzo and his parents to her to give her some context. "I cleared up all the misunderstandings with his parents for him and basically fixed their family."
"You're too kind for your own good," mom scowled. "He's sticking to you because in his head, you saved him and he feels like he's in debt to you. Don't you think about his confession for a second!"
"I told him that I'd think about it," I said.
"Don't think about it, he's indebted to you, and relationships like that never end well. You'll be the one getting left behind by him even if you liked him all that time."
"I never said I liked him," I snapped.
"I don't know anyone who would put up with getting hurt like that, and still consider the confession of such a rotten...kid. I won't deny that he's pitiful, and I admire your loyalty, but that doesn't mean you owe him a second thought about this. But if it's not just a ten year obsession, then what could you possibly like about him?"
I actually wasn't sure what there was to still like about Vincenzo myself, that's why I still felt so confused about my feelings. Never once did I think about my feelings being an obsession even after Ashton pointed it out. "I just got used to it because i was more concerned about keeping everything the same."
Teresa gave me a pained look. "If you were so scared, what made you change?"
I looked over at Ashton as an explanation who proceeded to blush. "This is Ashton Belle. He's been helping me to break out of my mindset, though the only progress I've really made was today. If it wasn't for him I would've never acknowledged anything that was hurting me until it was too late. He's a great emotional support especially since he's studying psychology."
"Belle? Is your mother Amanda Belle married to Chip?" Teresa asked. Ashton nodded slowly. "All my fresh food comes from their farms! They've been my supplier since I've opened."
"I didn't know that," Ashton scratched the back of his head nervously.
"So you're friends with my son?" Teresa smiled and shook Ashton's hand. "Have you been good to him?"
"As good as I can be ma'am." Ashton politely answered.
"Ashton also wants to date me," I said interrupting their friendly exchange. Teresa gave me a surprised look and Ashton nervously put his hands up in surrender. "He's been the exact opposite of Vincenzo actually. At first I thought he was annoying, but everything he's told me has worked for me. He even convinced me to come here and meet you today because it would be helpful to me."
"H-has it been ok?" Teresa asked.
For years I had wondered what it would be like to meet her, and for years I maintained the image of a cold hearted ugly person. Because of Ashton, I now knew that my mother was an insecure person in the past with the same issues that I had. I was angry with her, but she had a reasonable answer for everything I had asked. She got mad for me when I told her about me being bullied and she even gave me really sound advice. As mad as I was, I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to jump into her arms and be babied by her.
"It's been worth it," I said. "Aside from dad, Ashton has been the only one to make me feel that he cares about me getting better, even if he tells me things I don't want to hear."
"Ok," Teresa leaned back in her chair taking up all the information I'd just given her. "Well, if you'd like to date Ashton, I give you my blessing. Your dad adores you so much so he might have a hard time letting you date though. Ashton, if you want to persuade his father, offer to buy him a pool table."
"He doesn't need a pool table! He needs to start dating or something!" I hissed.
"Actually, since we're being honest with each other, I need to tell you this," Teresa bit her lip nervously and tapped her foot. "Your dad and I....are kind of talking to each other."
"Excuse me?" What the fuck did I just hear? Dad is dating? Who said that he could date right now? Is she trying to take my dad away or something? "You-"
"It started a few days ago! Your father came here for some coffee, we talked for a few hours and he told me that you told him to get a girlfriend. So he asked me to be his girlfriend." Teresa explained before I could start accusing her of wanting to steal my dad. I never really meant it when I told him that, I just wanted him to stop treating me like a baby! Why did he have to take me seriously this time?
"Ugh, whatever," I sighed. If my dad wanted to date Teresa again, I guess there was no reason to object. She was nice and an established woman with a charming face. Still I couldn't deny that it left a bad taste in my mouth. "As long as he's happy."
"I thought you would object to it."
"So if I tell you to break up with my father, would you?" I asked.
"If it means I can have a realationship with you, I will." She sighed. Fuck, why was she so calm? Why is it making me so mad?
"You guys are adults, even if it'll take some getting used to, change is necessary," I forced myself to say. Be brave, Dan! "I have reservations about it, but I don't really care what he does with his free time. Just don't move in until I move out."
"That's fair. Well, I had hoped to get your blessing in exchange for mine."
"That's different! Ashton and I aren't dating!"
"What? Your dad came here in a fury and told me me he walked in on you two-"
"We fell over!" Ashton was red as an apple as he spoke. "He tripped and I tried to catch him but I fell too! That's it!"
My mother laughed at his embarrassment and patted Ashton on the shoulder. "He's so adorable, Daniel! Why aren't you dating him? You've been holding hands since you got here!"
It was my turn to start blushing realizing that Ashton hasn't let go of my hand since earlier. "That....that's just because he's calming me down, because I was anxious to meet you!"
"Ohhhhh, you know my therapist told me that the ones that calm us down and know us the best are the best choices for life partners," Teresa smiled at us. "Ok, that's enough teasing. I'm glad that despite everything, you found someone who's good to you. Ashton, you sound like a good kid."
"He is," I insisted.
"I believe you! I just want to know a little about the guy courting my son. What're you fixin' ta do with ma boy?" Teresa suddenly sported an accent I only heard when dad took us to visit the country side. Ashton looked suddenly shocked and straightened up even more than usual.
"Courtin' ma'am," he answered in the same twang. It was hot and unexpected. "I'm fixing' ta make him smile. Ain't he just the tomcat's kitten?"
"Holy shit, you're hillbillies," I accidentally said out loud. I covered my mouth with my free hand and turned away from their amused looks. "Sorry, you guys just made me think about the Beverly Hillbillies."
Teresa and Ashton started laughing. Maybe I am a funny guy. "I can totally see it!" Teresa said again speaking normally. "Yup, I'm a farm girl, first generation American, although my parents own a farm in Italy. Farming sucks though, as soon as my parents went back, I sold the farm to his mother and opened this place up. I know your mother really well, we're childhood friends. All she does is talk about what a good boy you are. She's really happy that you've been a lot happier lately."
"Well, you're son is a miracle worker," Ashton said shyly.
"Let me get you two something to eat and drink, and I'll tell your dad that you came here so you won't get in trouble for skipping school. You too Ashton." Teresa got up and scurried through the door she led us through.
It suddenly started to feel as if Ashton would kiss me at any second now....or I was just thinking of Ashton's kisses.
"Should we have a drink to celebrate?" Ashton suddenly asked.
"I can't drink, alcohol makes you stupid anyway," I told him.
"Not alcohol! Coffee! I know you can't drink alcohol! But that explains why I can't keep up with you at school," Ashton awkwardly giggled. That's right, Ashton does partake in underage drinking from what I've seen.
"What is there to celebrate? I'm still angry at her, and now she's dating my dad," I crossed my arms. "There's nothing I can do about it, but I don't exactly feel good about it. She's so calm about it as well, it pisses me off."
"She's healed herself, Dan. You're feeling like it's not fair that she's been happy and you haven't been. It'll go away with time. This is just the first step to letting go of your past and looking forward to the bright future ahead of you. You can get to a good place mentally too." Ashton explained to me. "It just takes time. Start off meeting her like this at her shop, then when your comfortable, see where you want to go with it. On the bright side, you'll be applying for college soon anyway so it won't effect you much longer."
"How do you manage to stay so positive?" I asked him. He could make any outcome sound super appealing even if I felt my dread holding me back.
"It's not easy, but there's a bright side to a lot of things. When you're lonely, it helps to be that way. Looking on the bright side gives me hope." Ashton said.
That was incredibly insightful of him I guess. No matter how much I look at his face it doesn't get boring. Plus, he's handsome today as well, a slicked back look really suits him. I wonder what he would look like if he let his hair down."How long is your hair? I want to see it down."
"Are you going to make fun of my mullet?" Ashton asked.
"No, I won't."
"I'll show you later at dinner," Ashton promised. "It's a bit long and when I let my hair out....it's messier than a hornets nest."
"I wanna see it," I said. Despite Ashton's nervous expression, his piercing blue eyes drew me seemed to stare right into my soul. I honestly couldn't have picked a better person to rely on, and knowing that made me happy.
Fuck, I'm feeling happy! I've also been feeling like I've had energy to spare since I had met Ashton as well. My fevers didn't get as bad and I've been able to sleep at night because I haven't been as stressed as I used to be. He's kept my mind off all of the bad shit going on and gave me the courage to look within and face myself head on.
On top of that, he was the first person I did dirty things with. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that someone wanted to touch me like that. I never thought I'd be able to talk about the things that turn me on because they weren't viewed as normal, but Ashton had kinks in the same wheelhouse.
But the best part about Ashton was his unrelenting good spirit. He wouldn't allow me to speak badly of myself, which I had grown accustomed to doing. Now he's putting his best foot forward to help me forget the past and forcing me to take control of my life because he knows I can. At first I thought he was annoying, but meeting him was really the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I've only known him for three months.
I like Ashton a lot.
"You alright?" He suddenly asked. Shit, I've just been silently staring at him for a bit. Ashton put his hand on my forehead to check my temperature. "You're a little warm."
I'm blushing you idiot! Why can't you stop being stupid, Dan! "My body temperature is always high."
"That's true," he pushed my hair back from my face and gave me a scrutinizing look. "Slicked back hair brings out your cuteness."
"What a line!" A woman voice said from next to us causing Ashton to yelp and fall out of his chair. Teresa had somehow creeped back into the room without making any noise with croissants and coffee. "I didn't know he was such a flirt, Dan."
I helped Ashton get up quickly and adjust himself. "Sorry about that."
"Don't mind me, eat up before you go, you're dad told me you're going to the same place anyway, so I brought you something light," Teresa said.
"Thanks," I took the croissant and started to nibble on the ends of it. Teresa excused herself to get back to work and told us when we were finished to leave the way we came. For the next ten minutes, Ashton and I sat there in awkward silence eating. Well, he watched me eat after he stuffed the entire pastry in his mouth. "Let's get going."
"Ok," I said holding the hot coffee to warm both of my hands back up. Ashton and I made our way to his vehicle after waving goodbye to Teresa at the register.
We got in and just sat there. "That was-"
I don't know what came over me, but I could barely contain myself or my emotions. Before Ashton could finish his sentence, I leaned forward over the armrests and gave him a soft kiss. It was just a small peck, but it was enough to shut him up and make him turn red. "Um-"
"You kissed me first!" Ashton's face broke out in this incredibly stupid smile. He grabbed both my shoulders and excitedly giggled. It was like looking at a little kid getting excited about going to a theme park or something. "I'm glad you're in a good mood after meeting your mother. It looks like things are going in the right direction for you! Do you feel happy?"
"I feel conflicted because that was a lot to take in just now."
"Conflicted?"
"Like, I've never met her because I was too scared to do so. But now that I've met her, I realize that I've wasted years hiding for nothing. It wasn't a big fucking deal from the beginning and I'm starting to feel like such a Drama Queen. Im not even angry at her because everything she said made sense. I'm angry because I wasted my own time." I confessed. "It's a lot of mixed feelings clashing with my morals. She is my family after all, but I don't know if I did the right thing."
"Time will help you figure that out. The future is something you can look forward too as well. You went in there, met Teresa, made your boundaries clear and walked out with a mother. You even got an explanation from her that's a mile long," Ashton comforted me. "You have to give it time and your feelings about this will sort themselves out. If you need help thinking something out, I'll help you so you can think straight. You should be proud of yourself for doing a brave thing today."
"You made me-"
"No one can make you do anything, Dan. If you didn't want to come here, I wouldn't have taken you here, you know that," Ashton took his arms back to cross them. Damn Ashton and his good character! I can't argue with him. "Everything up to now has been suggestions only. Well, except when I pulled you out of school today. But, that was because I can't stand to watch your self esteem plummet more."
"Then....do I face the source of my low self esteem?" I asked. Ashton stayed quiet and turned his head a bit. This question was bound to come up eventually, but it still managed to catch Ashton off guard. "I'm not asking you to think of a way for me. Just a suggestion on how to face Vincenzo."
"Well, my suggestion is to forgive him, it's what I had to do," Ashton mumbled.
Forgive him? After everything that's been done? I mean not much else can be done at this point, right? He's already apologized over and over again and has started to make legitimate changes with his life and personality.
Even so, he could stop the bullying towards me if he wanted too because he had that power over people. I have real psychological wounds from him that haven't been healed. I've put my own body through hell because I wanted to please him in someway. I made myself sick and tired to clean up his mess because he knew I would. He even used my kindness against me to lie and made things harder for me than they had to be. I can't count the number of times I stayed up the entire night crying over this guy and his bullshit over the years. Most of my school life has been extremely lonely because of his good friend Martin. He forced me to go to that stupid club with him on multiple occasions just so I could be embarrassed by everyone while he just watched. Shit, he even gave me a black eye just because I confronted him about using me to get away with his crap.
I don't want to keep living like that.
"Why should I do that?" So much was already done by him that I'd never be able to forget. Even after all that was done, I still went out and found him when he got beaten up by his father and ran away. I resent that he could be so cold to me for years but suddenly change up his tune.
"Forgiveness involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. It doesn't mean forgetting or excusing anything that had happened. It also doesn't mean making up with the person who caused the arm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. It's hard, that's why it's a journey. If I didn't forgive him, I'd be in jail."
"What if I can't forgive him?"
"Then think of him as he is. A pitiful spoiled child who's acting out because he's been neglected. He tried to hold onto you by turning you into a punching bag. All because he has the emotional intelligence of a child. He wasn't nurtured like you or me, so he doesn't know any better. You can only feel bad for people who are like that." Ashton tried. "Forgive him so you can heal. You understand him the best after all."
He's right. The one who knew the most about Vincenzo was me since we were kids. If anyone knew about him, it was me. "Why do you have to make sense like that?"
"It's what I would do. I personally don't have the energy to play 'water under the bridge' with someone for extended time," Ashton said.
Right in the face, huh? I wasn't ok with all that happened honestly. So eventually....I'll have to face Vincenzo with this fact. That the fact that he says he likes me now isn't enough to make up for what's already happened.
"Do you think I'm dumb for liking him all this time?" I asked.
"It's a common thing to fall in love with your abuser, especially if it's prolonged. The brain justifies the abuse as a form of love, making it harder for you to leave. What's going on with you is completely normal." Ashton said.
"That's fucked up."
"The human brain is fucked up in general. You're not dumb, you're just human," he reached across me to put on my seatbelt and ruffled my hair like always. It was so soothing that I was disappointed when it ended.
"Do you think Vincenzo's feelings for me are real?" I asked.
"Personally, I don't. I think guilt will motivate you to do things that you usually wouldn't do. The guilt he's feeling is ten years heavy and the best way to make up for it is to give you what you've been waiting for all this time. A relationship like that can only be miserable for both people."
"Miserable how?"
"He won't be able to love who he wants because he feels guilty, leading to him resenting you. And you will eventually realize he never really liked you when you bare the brunt of that resentment. It would end worse than the last ten years."
"Oh. Well, I thought you two were friends. What actually happened?"
Ashton shifted uncomfortably and sported an unpleasant look. "Honestly, I think he's a piece of shit just like Martin. I've seen how he is towards other people....I've seen his type and how they operate, it's disgusting. He has multiple victims at school, he leads it all. Even if he stopped now, it doesn't help everyone else he's hurt. I've said all of this to his face of course, because I've decided not to fake nice with him. When I did, it probably bruised his fragile ego."
"Oh." I had no idea it was that deep. Ashton was capable of actually not liking someone. But he was still right, Vincenzo still had some growing up to do.
"Honestly, they're brainless and stupid. They think everyone is simple minded like them. If you let them believe you're like them, they'll never doubt you and even stand up for you. Once you pierce that ego, they start acting like pitiful victims. It's all an act."
Damn. It was a harsh but fair assessment. "Damn."
"You're turning a bit red."
"It's nothing. I had no idea about the falling out." I muttered. Ashton gave me a look but didn't press the issue any further. He's always making me hyper aware of every little thing he does and I'm sure he was doing it on purpose. "You really got it bad, huh? What do you even see in a guy like me, Ashton? I almost accepted Vincenzo completely just because I was lonely."
"It's not like you're completely to blame for that, I'm sure it's really tough to face that kind of dilemma," Ashton put his car into gear and rolled out of the cafe parking lot. "Liking someone of the same sex is hard as a teenager."
"That wasn't the toughest part of it all. I liked him reluctantly at first, then I felt as though I couldn't live without those feelings or Vincenzo. Realizing that I was only going to him because it was what I wanted is what's breaking me up inside. I foolishly believed that he would need me, but I was the only one who ended up tossed aside like nothing. Ive been feeling pathetic and worthless and like trash for years."
"You're not worthless or trash. It's perfectly normal for someone to change due to their circumstances. You're just the type to forget about yourself to take care of everyone else. Despite that, you're still you, and I love you."
Love?! When did like turn into love? I could feel my heart start to beat a lot harder. "Your logic makes no sense."
"Fair enough."
"So you....want me....as I am?"
"I do. I'm glad you're here with me."
"Why don't you think I'm pathetic!" I whined.
"Because you aren't. If you're pathetic, then by that logic, I must be as well since I'm just as guilty of acting as you did. I was going to be friends with Vincenzo and Martin again just so I wouldn't be alone for my last year of school," Ashton said. "Lapses in judgment happen to everyone at some point, Dan."
I guess Ashton had a point there. Me and him were very similar in the aspects of loneliness and low self esteem to some degree. It just broke my heart knowing that no one would ever give this guy a fair chance because of his face though. Sure Vincenzo gave him a chance, but they had nothing in common and Ashton wouldn't co-sign his bullying. But his loneliness was so overwhelming that he had almost broken his morals for company he didn't even want.
God, I think this is the first time someone words and kindness made my heart constrict like this. It's crazy that such an outstanding guy says he loves me. I myself could think of more than one reason on why I was so attracted to Ashton. My body remembers him, the heat from his warm big hands, the heat that radiated off his body and most of all the sensations he made me feel. But it didn't stop there, his coarse blond hair, his crooked smile, his perfect posture even if he was just sitting on a couch, his genuine warm kindness, it's the small everyday things that I remember about him the most.
For some reason, Ashton took it upon himself to make sure I was alright all time and treated me very good. He doesn't speak arbitrarily about me, my dad or my family. He even told me that he loves me, but I'm still incredibly anxious about it.
"You say some really embarrassing things sometimes," I lowered my head.
"You think? It's kind of too late to start being embarrassed, don't you think?"
"I can't get used to it."
"That's fine, I'm not sure if I want you to get used to it. I want to keep seeing those cute faces of yours forever," Ashton sported that stupid gorgeous smile of his again. His eyes never lied, and that scared the shit out of me.
He's being honest when he says he loves me....and it confirms that he had bad taste in men. How could he just call me cute like that.
"I'm chronically ill," I pointed out.
"Never bothered me any," Ashton said. Then what is it you love about me?! Just a sneeze? The fact that I take care of people? My face expressions? Has he really never liked anyone like this before? "In sickness and in health, Dan."
Somehow all of this is extremely....cute.
"Just tell me one reason at least. I'm going crazy trying to figure it out."
"Do I need a specific reason? I just knew that when I saw you, I liked you a lot, and from there my feelings got a lot more intense. The only reason that would make sense is that I love you because you're you," Ashton explained. His answer just made me more anxious because I believed him and he's never lied to me before.
"You're impossible," I told him. "And Teresa is right, you are a flirt."
"Country charm isn't something regular city folk such as yourself can comprehend. You guys see it as flirting, but this is part of courtin' someone."
"I'm not some debutante, you know?"
"You're as hot as a two dollar pistol."
"Is that good?"
"Oh, a cheap pistol heats up faster after firing because of the thin metal." Ashton being such a hillbilly at heart was cute as well. His accent made him sound....well, like he was from the backwoods, yet it was still really cute.
No! I honestly think it's cute because it's Ashton's accent. Country boys really do hit different. Maybe they are the best, like in the comics. He hit it out of the park.
"Home run," I accidentally said out loud. Ashton gave me a smile before turning into his long driveway.
"I find you get extremely interesting day by day," He giggled at my random comment.
Damn it. It was only a little push and he's still being extremely rational. A part of me is really scared that this is all an act from him. That when I'm in too deep, he'll turn around and say that he way just toying with me the whole time.
But that's not Ashton's character. I'm just not very good at handling the emotions that come with situations where I have to take action. A stubborn part of me doesn't want to give in so easily. But he's too good to actually resist.
Ashton hopped out of the car and ran around to open my door for me. Ugh, he's so much of a sweet guy that it's almost frustrating. Sometimes I felt as though he was too nice that he can't be real. It made me wish he could treat me badly. It made me wish he didn't respect me or protect me or love me, because at least then, I wouldn't be so utterly confused about everything I felt for him.
I took his hand and stepped out of the car. As I did, I spotted my dads car parked a few feet away. He must be practically losing his shit right now. I bet he was just as amazed as I was when he pulled into the marble palace.
"Looks like your dad is here. That's good, if our parents get along, we can get married right after high school," Ashton smiled at me starting the freak the fuck out. Marriage? Right out of high school? What the fuck?!
"You're crazy!" I managed to get out although my heart was racing and my face was starting to feel as if it were on fire.
"Crazy for youuuu," he sweeped me off of my feet and proceeded to carry up the marble stairs leading inside. I could feel him chuckling cutely and decided to let it be.
Just being held by Ashton felt nice.