"You're worried for nothing, trust me," Danny told me nonchalantly, as he sorted through the library books with me."I took care of it, my dad still likes you. He just freaked out because he misunderstood. I told him you're a good boy with great parents."
Easy for him to say. He wasn't the one that was thrown into a wall. He wasn't the one being called a molester! "He called me a pervert, Dan. How do I come back from that? Now I'm feeling a bit insecure."
"He wouldn't have accepted your dinner invitation if he thought you were a pervert," Danny said. "My dad already likes you. As soon as I told him you're rich he started spouting shit about pool tables."
"Should I give him one of ours? I don't use mine," I offered. If giving his father something expensive I didn't use would put me back in his good graces, I'd give him my pool table. Hopefully that would smooth over the tainted image I'd created for his dad. "Mom doesn't use hers either."
"He needs a girlfriend, not a pool table. And what would we do with two pool tables? I'm not interested in you for your money, you dope," Danny pouted. I instantly shivered at his words. He was so incredibly cute!
It's when he does little things that caught me off guard that makes me want to be with him. I liked how he doesn't even have a way with words. So cute. Ah, now I want to hold him and kiss him. He's so lucky that we were at school right now. Maybe later I'd lead him back to the nurses office.
Since he came over to my place, I haven't been able to get my mind off of him. I couldn't stop replaying everything that had happened, and I'm not sure where that courage came from that day. And that desire that wouldn't go away floored me. It wasn't acceptable – it wasn't right! – and I couldn't help but think the same thing over and over: no, no, no, no, no! Not so fast! I couldn't explain it; all I knew was that the moment I first laid eyes upon his startlingly perfect figure – enraged, dark eyes; messy black hair that begged to have fingers...my fingers...running through it; tiny perfect hands; flawless white skin; kissable lips – I wanted him.
And I did want more, from the moment I saw him. Pictures of us holding hands, talking, kissing, touching...they flashed through my mind at warp speed. He's just too charming to share with anyone else.
Suddenly, I felt something warm and soft, satiny yet sturdy, brush up against my fingers, and then, hesitantly, tangle with them. I stopped breathing – I gave up on it altogether. Movement was impossible; I was frozen, spine locked, body numb to all but that single point of contact. The air was thick with tension of all kinds, from both of us, ragged and torn and hopeful; it choked me, and I couldn't speak. A pregnant pause filled the air as I slowly turned to face him.
He, too, looked nervous as hell, either at his actions or my response or both. His lips were parted, and his tongue darted out to lick them, a really sexy habit of his and his eyes were darker than a few seconds before, cautious.
What had just happened?
"I'm sorry, Ashton," he began, pulling away. "There was nobody around and you look like you're freaking out. I thought this might help."
I laughed softly at his naivety. I reached out and grabbed his hand. Just holding his hand can calm me down. He probably doesn't want to do anything at school again. "You were right. I was freaking out. Your dad kinda shocked me I guess. It wasn't so much the strength he has, more so him calling me a pervert and a playboy."
"I told him you weren't. Anyway, what did you do all weekend? You look exhausted."
Besides worry about his father hating me, I did a lot of research on how to actually do what I wanted to do to Danny without hurting him. It turns out that there were ways of tying him up without hurting him badly. I could mark him gently and it will fade within a couple days. I had to go gentle the first few minutes but his body might be more durable than I think, I'd just have to test it myself as everyone is different.
"I was pretty productive all weekend, got a lot of research done," I said.
"Research? Got a school project?"
"No," I might as well be truthful. "Although it looks simple when you watch it, it's a bit more complicated than I thought. So I did the research."
"It?" Danny asked. After a few seconds of thinking he blushed. "Oh....it."
"Yeah, I knew what you needed for it, but not how to do it. There's a few steps but I think I've managed to memorize it all." I proudly admitted.
"All weekend? Just how much research is there to do?"
Not much. Just to be sure I watched about a hundred tutorials on porn sites and even took notes on what to do. I studied everything down to the science. Not that I was going to tell Danny that. "I also had a lot of cleaning up to do."
"From spanking it?" Danny chuckled.
"No! Shut up!" I felt my own face heating up now. Of course, this was unbelievable that I was cleaning. Danny had already seen that we had a bunch of maids. Normal guy talk was slightly embarrassing when you're holding hands with someone you like. "I like to be thorough."
"Nerd." Danny and I burst into laughter much to the librarian's discontent. When she rounded the corner of the bookcase, Danny quickly let my hand go. I wish he would've just left it where it was. It makes me wonder if he doesn't like to be out and proud. Can I really handle that since I'm so comfortable with myself? "Sorry, Mrs. Adler."
"If you're going to waste your free period, at least be productive!" Mrs Adler snapped at us. Although she was tough old lady that took shit from no one, she reminded me of my grandmother. Underneath it all was a very sweet lady, so she'd understand us holding hands. "I expected you to be more focused Ashton."
"Sorry Mrs. Adler, we'll be finished sorting these out soon," I smiled at her. She looked between Danny and I before shooting me a knowing look and disappearing.
"What was that look about?" Danny whispered. "What are you telling the librarian?"
"Not sure, but I have a question for you." I have to know for sure about this. The feeling that i unintentionally made his decision harder for him was eating me up. Did I fuck this up?
"Shoot."
"I know that you got outted by Martin, and it may be a traumatic memory for you, but are you ok with being out?"
"I have my reservations about it, but it doesn't really bother me anymore." Danny continued to sort out the books on the table. "Besides, I realized I was just panicking from all the attention. It was like accepting that I could never do what everyone else can do without putting myself in the hospital again and I wasn't sure what to do. There's nothing I can do about it now but own it."
What a relief! I don't think I could go back in the closet if Danny accepted my confession. At least not for very long. I'd probably end up telling everybody about how cute my boyfriend is the first day. In fact, I'd probably be shouting it from the rooftop of the school if Danny accepted me.
Just knowing that I legitimately helped him that day made me feel great too. All that time reading something actually paid off! I feel like I can achieve my dreams of being a therapist for real.
"Ah, good. I wish I could stay positive like that," I breathed a sigh of relief a bit too hard.
"Could it be the guys on the team are giving you a rough time? You know they just try to push you around because you always act so timid, right? How are those jerks treating you?"
"I stopped the timid stuff already," I assured him. "It's not doing me any good to be like how I am."
"I don't think anything's wrong with being a very gentle person like you, but you can't let people walk all over you," Danny said. "You're a big guy, have some confidence."
"Being a big guy doesn't automatically make you confident. Sure my parents try to lift me up but there's only so much you can try to relate to people. City life is a lot different than the simple country life and I can't relate to it or grasp it in anyway. When you get excluded from everything and no one wants to talk to you because of how you look, it kinda destroys your self esteem. I was just smart enough not to turn into a delinquent."
"I really can't see you being a delinquent," Danny chuckled.
"I wouldn't get along with them anyway," I said. Danny has only ever seen me a certain way, but outside of him, I have zero social skills because it's always been hard for me to talk. Back home I was even called a crying mute because I couldn't speak to anyone without getting choked up. And sure I've gotten therapy for my stage fright, but I've never had a chance to test that therapy out until I met Danny.
I don't even know if I'm cured. Danny was incredibly easy to speak to, but everyone else wasn't as easy. Sure I can talk when necessary, but at the end of the day, it leaves me with panic attacks. So what good is it?
"I think you can get along with everyone if you tried, You're perfect the way you are, Ashton, you just need to believe it yourself." Ugh, my face was heating up and there's absolutely no way I could hide it. "You're totally blushing. Doesn't take much does it-"
I leaned down and gave him a quick but firm peck on his lips so he wouldn't make fun of me some more. That little peck was enough to turn him completely red as well. Honestly, it just felt nice that I can get a reaction like this from him with so little.
Fucking adorable.
"Seriously, I need a heads up before you do that! That came out of no where! What if I popped a boner or something?" Danny poured his heart out. "My dad even warned me that kissing gets people pregnant!"
"If that happens I'll take responsibility, so don't worry about it. I'll take care of you and your dad and our baby."
"That's not the issue here you psycho! The librarian is right there as well." Danny suddenly realized something and blushed. "I'm a boy! And kissing can't get anyone pregnant."
"I think I'm big enough to knock you up," I imagined Danny with a big happy smile rubbing a very pregnant belly. We were sitting together happily awaiting our child's arrival and wondering if it would be a girl or a boy.
"Maybe you are a pervert."
"We're not going to go at it right here and now, Dan, geez." I acted as normal as I possibly could despite my heart leaping from my chest. Kissing him just feels so good and I want to kiss him a lot more. The fantasy of him being pregnant just added to my desire.
"Then what the fuck was that?"
"I did it because I know you're going to be mine soon. Might as well get you used to it. " I turned my head to look at his shocked tomato red face. My god, this guy got lovelier with every new expression he showed me. "How's that for confidence?"
"I'll stop teasing you," Danny pouted. How cute was this.
Danny picked up a stack of books and went to put them on a cart near the librarian. As he was about to round the corner two girls roughly pushed past him and shot him the dirtiest looks they could muster up. Danny fell backwards from the push and I quickly ran up to see if he was alright.
"Watch where you're going, you're always in the way, Hospice boy," one of the girls hissed at him.
"You're the one who pushed him, ya bitch," I snapped at her. Both girls glared at me before walking off in a hurry. By the time I looked back at Danny to help him, he was already picking up the books he dropped. "You ok?"
"Yeah, it's just a few books knocked from my hands," Danny slowly got up wincing in pain at something. "Ok maybe my leg is in a bit of pain, but I'm fine. I'm used to it. You can't stop all of Vincenzo's fans."
"Stop being used to it. I'll stop them all if I have too." Ever since Vincenzo had announced that he wanted to date Danny, the girls at school had silently declared war on Danny. Man were they unrelenting. Remarkably, Danny wasn't at all phased by this change at school as being bullied was something that he was used too.
It was just infuriating that Vincenzo's fans can bully him, and Danny would still consider him. I wasn't actually as confident as I tried to be earlier so to me, Vincenzo was real threat. I don't know if I could realistically win against their history.
But I wasn't going to back down.
When the free period ended Vincenzo and Sam joined us pretty quickly to my discontent. Danny even made it a point to not to mention anything about the girls bothering him. And although I already knew that Danny went to Vincenzo's house to eat a home cooked meal, it pissed me off to hear them reminisce about it. It just made me hope that Vincenzo saw where I had marked him.
"You two have been getting pretty close," Sam said following me to the lunch line. "Why don't you back off a little bit and let my friend get some of his time."
"No chance in hell."
"Why?"
"I don't have to back off unless Danny tells me too," I told him firmly do he wouldn't automatically take me as a joke like Vincenzo does. "I don't listen to Vincenzo or anyone else."
"Ah, tough guy?"
"Just don't get involved with things that don't concern you, Sam. I know you want to avoid conflict for you and your friends. But if you decide to get involved, just know that I don't work out to look good like you guys do." I threatened.
"I'm not interested in being involved, but I guess it was inappropriate of me to advocate for my friend. You called my bluff. I'm sure if it was your friend, you would do the same thing."
I admit, I know Sam was nothing like Vincenzo, but I expected him to be a bit more rowdy. At least he can articulate himself unlike Martin. Fuck, that means Vincenzo is making genuine changes to his life since he now has friends with morals. Could that hurt my chances?
I looked over to where Vincenzo and Danny looked to be having a light hearted conversation. Danny was talking to him with a slight smile on his face that indicated that he was only half listening. Maybe I shouldn't be so negative with myself, it's not like they could ever have anything in common.
"You're right Sam, I would. I have nothing against you, so please stay out of it," I turned back to the lunch line and ordered some food for myself. The only good thing in the cafeteria was the chicken menu today. For my politeness, the lunch lady gave me two extra drumsticks.
When I got my tray I quickly left Sam in the dust to rejoin them. As soon as I sat down Danny turned his attention to me, thank god. He must've noticed that I wasn't in a great mood, although I hate to have him know that I'm seriously this petty. "You alright?"
"Just worried about my grades," I grabbed a drumstick and quickly bit into it. The flavor was incredibly generic at school, it really sucks here.
"Meatball?" Danny held out a meatball from his plate on a fork. I immediately took a bite of the meatball and was surprised by the intense zesty flavors. It was seriously some next level home cooking, for a meatball. "It's good, right? Vincenzo made it himself."
"Yeah, but I made it for you, not him," Vincenzo glared at me. I don't understand why I used to be afraid of this guy in the past just because he's an asshole.
"It's good, you can be a professional," I forced a smile as the air started to thicken. Take that. The amusement I felt from his angry face filled me with joy. As long as I was being the bigger person, Vincenzo didn't stand a chance because his emotional intelligence is still shit. Still, I really want to grab the head of this asshole and slam it into the table.
"Thanks," Vincenzo fake smiled at me. Yes! Let it kill you inside! I can see it rotting you from the inside to be friendly to me for Danny's sake! Die!
"You guys are impossible. At least try not to make it so obvious," Danny rolled his eyes and took out his phone to ignore us. Must be nice to be able to tap out of listening whenever he pleased. It's times like this that I despised being a huge ball of anxiety myself. I just had to focus on keeping myself calm.
I'm playing mind games with someone who's emotionally a child, and I'm better than that. I gave him a genuine compliment because I truly thought the meatball was good. It's not my fault that he can't take a compliment, right? I could feel my confidence start to return little by little as I knew it was morally correct to exorcise empathy instead of pettiness.
Kill him with kindness, Ashton.
"You have plans after school?" Vincenzo asked suddenly.
"Yeah, Dad and I are going to Ashton's for dinner," Danny said without looking up from his phone. Vincenzo glared at me and I just smiled back at him. That's right, I'm making sure I can take up all of his time."The food his mother makes is delicious. Hey Sam, meatball?"
"Sure," Sam took the meatball off of Danny's fork as he took the seat next to me and looked shocked at the taste. "Vincenzo made that?"
"Yeah, good right?" Danny smiled.
"Anything's better than school lunches," Sam sighed.
"Right! I think it was making me sicker, there's a lot here, let's share," Danny pushed his food forward a bit.
"You don't have-"
"Shut up, I'm full. It's not good to waste food," Danny immediately shut Vincenzo up and Sam dug into Danny's leftovers. "Be good to the people who are good to you, Vincenzo. Nonna taught you that."
"But I made it for you."
"No one told you to pack the entire tray of food. I'm grateful but I'm trying not to fall asleep here, I ate so much. If I eat anymore I'll burst, let the boy have some and don't be so sensitive." Danny leaned back in his chair continuing to not care about Vincenzo being upset.
Sam gratefully smiled at Danny and continued to eat. "You're a good cook Vincenzo." Sam tried to no avail. Vincenzo just decided to brush him off.
It was pretty hot watching Danny put his foot down about anything. His stubbornness was amazingly cute and the way he gets rude quickly is just so fun to watch. Of course, dealing with that side of him was easy enough, but for someone like Vincenzo, who's emotional intelligence is way in the gutter, it was something he probably didn't know how to respond to.
When lunch period finally ended, Sam and Danny were deeply engaged in conversation about class. It was good that they could get along so well as this was a friend I didn't mind him having at all. They probably had a lot more in common than him and Vincenzo.
"Do you have a spare pair of gym clothes?" Sam asked Dan.
"Not anymore, my locker got broken into. They're all cut up now," Danny said.
"When did that happen?" Vincenzo asked. This morning when we had stopped by Danny's locker, it had been vandalized heavily on the outside. Danny ignored the vulgarity and opened his locker just to find everything inside shredded and ripped to pieces. His textbooks were all damaged beyond repair and everything seemed to be drenched in smelly mop water.
Danny rolled his eyes and shut his locker as if he didn't see anything. As much as I worried, he seemed just absolutely fine with all of this escalating. It made zero sense to me. I offered to buy him new textbooks and notebooks but Danny declined my offer.
It turned out that he had a spare set in the teachers office for himself. The secretary agreed to keep it there for him in case his gets damaged from medical waste. In this case his assignments had gotten damaged he was allowed a week for each assignment.
Though I was bummed that I was basically a passerby to his situation, i was relieved that he had already established a good safety net for himself. I still couldn't help but be bitter that I couldn't help him. What was the use of having money if I couldn't spend it on him?
"Relax, it's not that bad," Danny said. "Instead of having to sit in that stuffy gym, I'll be in the library with the air conditioning."
"Why'd they do that? Who did that?" Sam asked.
"Who cares," Danny shrugged. "If anything, Ashton said he'll buy me a new set, so I'm covered."
"Are you still being bullied?" Vincenzo stupidly asked.
"What he means is, if anyone messes with you like that again, come find him," Sam quickly covered. It was a very good save as everybody and their mother knew what would happen once it was known that Vincenzo wanted Danny. And the one sided war with the girls at school was rapidly escalating.
We also all know that only Vincenzo can make them stop.
"Ashton usually takes care of it anyway. Don't worry about it, it's childish shit." Why did Danny keep brushing it off like it's nothing? Does it not hurt him when people do this to him for no reason? It's amazing how stoic he could stay.
"We have a few months left of school, just ignore it," Danny rolled his eyes. A mob of girls crowded us as we turned into the hallway. Through their rough pushing and shoving, the managed to surround Vincenzo while one elbowed Danny over. Before he could hit the ground I caught him and kept us moving forward towards class. "Thanks."
"It's fine. They just don't stop do they?" I scowled.
"Hey, what do you think is going on there?" Danny asked me pointing to a crowd of students huddled around a monitor. Usually the monitor went unnoticed by everyone because there were only school events. I peered over everyone else's head to get a clear look at the content and immediately felt sick.
First a video played of Martin and his friends shoving a crying and beaten Danny's face into a toilet multiple times without mercy. You could hear his head roughly hit the bowl a few times during. The video passed into the next one with some kind of fancy transition effect, showing random people pushing him around to the point there he was basically being thrown like a rag doll until his nose starting pouring blood and he passed out limp. The next video was him being forced to say vulgar things about himself and being slapped across the face multiple times until he said whatever it was the person filming wanted.
"Oh, I know that audio," Danny said. He still looked genuinely unbothered by this as he kept his attention on his phone. Regardless if this bothered him or not I pushed myself through the crowd and put my fist right through the monitor shattering it and shutting up everyone who was watching. "What are you doing, Ash? You'll get in trouble!"
He was still worried about my well being?
This is getting tiring for me to hear. When I turned from the monitor students immediately cleared a path for me, as if I were about to stomp on them all. I quickly grabbed Danny's hand and led him towards the door of the school.
"Ashton, what's wrong? It's just a stupid video. Im not going to argue with women and The girls are-"
"You know, Danny, you seem to be fascinated by the world of self sacrifice and the benefit of others. At first I thought you were just had too much on your mind so you didn't care what was going on. But now I know exactly why you won't even tell Vincenzo about it. Egoistic altruism, the pursuit of selfish pleasure. It makes you feel better when he doesn't feel like the piece of shit he actually is." I ranted finally getting what I wanted to say off my chest. Finally sick and tired of everyone around me wanting to protect that asshole feelings because of his lame self pity act. "You'll only end up hurting everyone who gives a fuck about you, including yourself."
"What do you mean?"
"This is why you keep feeling trapped by moral shackles when it comes to things like this. It's so bad you stop being logical enough and you lose in the end. Think back on everything that has happened thus far, Danny! This entire time since I've met you, you've advocated self dedication and accomplishment, but is Vincenzo actually being guided in the right direction? Or has he just become a victim of your own self satisfaction?"
"I...." I could tell that in my fury, I had unintentionally scrambled his thoughts. But if this is what had to happen for him to have a reality check, then as his friend, it was my job to help him. It's just that I wasn't prepared for his horrified look when he realized that I may have a point.
"I know I'm going off on you even though I was the one who told you not to care what other people think, but this is too much. It breaks my heart to watch you force yourself to be comfortable with all that has happened to you and still consider that assholes feelings! On his behalf, you lied to the people who take care of you and love you wholeheartedly. Because of him, you can't walk down a hallway or eat lunch in peace. Because of him, everyone thinks it's ok to harass you!"
"But-"
"If he's so sorry, why hasn't he stopped the bullying everyone knows about? If he's so sorry, why does he keep pretending not to know about it? If he's so sorry, why hasn't he told your father the truth about why you two aren't as close anymore? That he's the reason you get bullied everyday! Or about almost killing you by spiking your drink even when he knows you can't drink alcohol? Or about him causing the night terrors you still have because he spread out your fears to everyone? What about him saying to your face that he wishes you would die? Were those just jokes to you? Can you get the hearing back in your ear? Can you get those birthdays back? What about the social life you couldn't have for all those years? All that lost dignity! Your health?! Face it! Nothing has changed at all! You're still covering for him!" When I finished saying all this I finally took a look at Danny who looked as if he had just received the worst scolding of his life. He was holding back tears and trembling slightly as he tried to make words. "I'm sorry, Dan. I just don't want to see you become more and more withdrawn from society because you feel bad for that guy. Are you really ok with this?"
"I'm afraid that you'll worry too much," he confessed.
"Doesn't it hurt at all?"
"I'm....I'm fine," Danny impulsively put his passive face back on. At this point, should I even try to keep helping him break the hold Vincenzo has over him? It just felt like I was losing all over again, and now I feel like shit for trying to help him with ulterior motives.
I grabbed both of his hands and held them tightly, but not enough to hurt him. Looking into his eyes, I just wanted to convey to him that if there was really no point to this, he should just tell me. If he chose Vincenzo after all that he did, that I wouldn't be the saddest person in the end. It's breaking my heart to keep watching him like this. "Why do you still want to hide it from me?"
"I didn't mean-"
"I'm obviously the one closest to you, so why, every time we make a little progress, does it all go away when Vincenzo comes around? Why try and push me away about this?" I could feel my eyes feeling prickly as few tears fell from my eyes right onto Danny's face before I could stop them. "Don't do this to yourself anymore, please."
"Who was it that said I could rely on them?" Danny wiped my face but averted his eyes. "I apologize, you already helped me so much that I didn't want to burden you with anymore things."
"I told you that you can talk to me about anything, I can handle it. I never thought of you as some burden on me and if I did, I never would've gone so far with you if I didn't genuinely mean it," I decided to pull him closer so that we were hugging at this point. It's not his fault that he's like this. He had to be because it was the only way he can survive here without hurting himself. "I'm sorry I went off on you, I just want you to be alright. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, I've been doing this my entire life," Danny admitted. I could feel him physically struggling with his thoughts so I decided to stay quiet. "My life has never been about me unless I was sick, and I had no choice but to get used to that. I didn't like lying to my dad for that long, but just what else was I supposed to do? His family are his best friends. How could I ruin that?"
"Their friendship doesn't mean that you're obligated to be friends with their kid," I told him. "You only endured it for your dads sake."
"If I tell my dad, he'll pull me out of school! And I want to go to school, Ashton! I can't tell him what's been going on here! I made it too far! How can I let it all be for nothing?"
Caught between a rock and a hard place. Homeschooling sounded like the safest option for Danny, realistically, but because he didn't want to be treated like a sick person all the time it would only depress him further. But coming to school wasn't making anything any easier for him either.
"All this time, I thought I was just being the bigger person," Danny said.
"When you decide to be the bigger person, it's all about saying 'I'm not willing to engage with you in this way for an extended period of time or permanently' that's all. What winning actually looks like is successfully letting go of the dark cloud hovering over the relationship and moving on, not letting them pry their way back into your life."
"I felt like I've been winning....to some degree."
"Has it been worth it?"
"No."
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome."
"But I did get one this time!" Danny tried.
"And are you happy now?" I asked. I could feel him shutting down and shaking his head. Was I being mean for pointing out something that had nothing to do with me? Was I being an asshole for pointing out his behavior? "Should we talk in the car?"
Danny nodded against my chest without lifting his head. Without protest he let me scoop him up and carry him while he kept his head buried in my blazer. If people were already staring at us hugging, they seemed to be really staring now, but I couldn't feel my anxiety from that right now. All that mattered was getting Danny to a more isolated spot and making sure he was alright.
When we reached my car, I gently put Danny down in the backseat and slid in next to him. He kept his head buried in my chest a little longer so I decided to rub his back until he stopped trembling. I couldn't help but think what a fool someone so smart could be.
If Dan wanted to get hurt or cry then he should keep doing that, because at least then he'll run back to my side.
"Tell me why I'm like this," Danny said lifting his head. "Please, just tell me why. I don't know why, but I think I can't remember what being happy feels like anymore. I've just gotten so used to faking it!"
"Why do you feel responsible for Vincenzo?" I asked.
"My dad-"
"Why do you feel responsible for Vincenzo? You know what I meant."
"Because, he's the only one who cared about me." Danny whimpered.
"Do you believe that he cared about you? Do people who care about each other do what he did?" I asked. Danny reluctantly shook his head. "What do you really believe? Be honest."
"If he cared, then why did everything happen the way it did?" Danny finally let the tears roll. "Why couldn't he just talk to me? He apologized to me but it doesn't change the fact that none of this had to happen at all. Do you know what it's like to stay up all night and think how much better your life could be if you had never met someone and hate yourself for it? I've never done anything else but chase after him all this time that I don't know how to do anything else!"
"You were just sticking to what was familiar and comfortable to you."
"I knew my health was deteriorating! I knew I was depressed! I knew that I was stressing myself out to my detriment doing everything I did for him! But he was the only person aside from my dad that actually acknowledged my existence, and it helped me not feel like a dead man!" Danny was sobbing by this point. "I was miserable, but at least I could feel something! Even if it was anger or hate, I just wanted to be able to mean something to someone! What else can i do?"
"You can choose to live differently by putting your own happiness first for once," I said. "You can rid yourself of everything that makes you sad and depressed."
"How do I do that?"
"By surrounding yourself with positive influence, things that make you happy and cutting out the negative from your life. It's ok to think about yourself first, Danny, I'll support whatever it is that you want to do, so will your dad." Danny stayed quiet for a bit and continued to cry silently, but I could still see him thinking about something. "It's a new thing to try, but nothing else has worked so far."
"If I cut out the negative.....it's what I've been doing my entire life. When I think about it, my purpose for living all this time.....I'm so stupid!" Danny put his head in his hands.
"You aren't stupid, emotions are just a bitch to handle at first. The feeling is only overwhelming you because it's probably the first time you have acknowledged it out loud to someone. You've accepted the fact that you aren't happy with the way things are, but I've never known you to be one to take that sitting down, but it's on you to pick that change for yourself."
More silence. My stomach started to act up at the thought that Danny might turn this idea down. If he did turn my idea down, I'd have to accept the fact that he only wanted this. Of course, I'll be sad for him, but there wouldn't be anything I could do.
"Will you help me?" Danny whimpered.
"I'll help you in anyway I can! I just want to see you be happy," I ruffled his hair a bit which got him to finally show a smile thru his tears. His crying face was one I don't want to keep seeing anymore, as cute as it was, it was just too painful to see him in genuine pain.
"Why have I been so obsessed with Vincenzo?"
"I don't think you are obsessed with Vincenzo, you're just feeling bad for him because you know his home situation and you have a good heart. When I learned that I was abandoned by my parents, it made me the same way for a while. You get me?" I didn't want to blame this on his mom for creating his attachment issue, but there was science backing my thinking. Not to mention experience is the best teacher.
"I have mommy issues?"
"Well....maybe, a problem like this is usually always linked to the parents," I confirmed for him. "Have you ever spoken to your dad about her?"
"Once, when he told me why she left. My dad looked upset, so I never brought it up again." He said. "But honestly, I do want to meet her once."
"Should I try to find her? I can pay for a well recommended private detective."
"No need. She's on Facebook, I sent her a request and she accepted it, although it took her a while. I never sent her a message though," Danny took out his phone and pulled up her Facebook profile. She was a real life version of a Barbie doll, just with black hair. She was dressed in all designer clothes which only seemed to add to her opulence. The woman looked a bit like Danny too! In her bio, there wasn't much information on her, just pictures of her and a dog and the fact that she owns a shop. It also looked like that shop was in town. "I've wanted to say something for some time, but I never had the courage too."
"We can take it slowly."
"N-no!" Danny snapped suddenly. "If I keep doing the same things, I'll end up miserable like you said! If you're willing to help me then I'm willing to be brave!"
I couldn't help but smile a little that he was seriously taking my advice for him. "People usually start conversations with a greeting."
Danny nodded nervously and opened up messenger to start typing. "Sent.....she's saw it! She's typing!" He threw his phone over to me and covered his face with his hands again. "What if she says she doesn't want to see me?"
The message that popped up wasn't anything worth fussing over. "She just said hello, Dan."
"A-ask her to meet me!"
I typed out the message: Can we meet? "Ok I sent it."
"Why?" Danny whimpered. Uh-oh, am I pushing him too much?
"Because-" the ding shut me up and made Danny look up.
"What'd she say?!" I quickly picked up the phone and looked at the message as Danny pulled his shirt over his face in anticipation.
"You look at it," I insisted. Danny groaned in protest but put his shirt down so he could see the message. His face went from scared to crying with a smile. "Good right?"
"She sent the address! Ashton, she wants to see me!"
"Yeah, of course."
Danny wrapped his arms around my neck excitedly and pulled me into a tight excited hug. "Thank you for helping me! If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would've ever taken the chance!"
I caught my reflection in my car window and tried to look away from the stupid smile that could clearly covey my overjoy. Danny initiated contact with me first! Progress! "When should we go?"
"Before I lose my nerve," Danny pulled back and climbed into the front seat eagerly. I raced from the back seat into the drivers seat quickly and smoothly drove away from the school parking lot. "How do you think this'll go?"
"Hopefully well."
"You don't know?"
"I study psychology, I'm not a psychic," I furrowed my brows a bit.
"Right," Danny chuckled nervously. Over the time span of ten minutes I watched his mood change from nail biting, to rocking back and forth to fidgeting with his seatbelt. No matter what he tried, he couldn't stay still. Before he could switch back to biting his nails, I grabbed his hand.
"Take a deep breath," I told him moving my thumb across the back of his hand. "What are your thoughts on meeting your mother?"
"I'm excited, because I can finally ask her why she left. Do you mind staying with me through it? I feel like I can get to what it is I want to know better if you're there too."
"I won't speak for you." I told him firmly. "And I can't mediate."
"Just be there to calm me down, like now," Danny said. "You calm me down a lot."
"We're here," I announced just as I pulled into the parking lot of a nice looking coffee shop overlooked by stone lions. Around the edges were food vendors giving a sort of market atmosphere. There were tables neatly set up with a brown vintage umbrella.
I've been here before with my parents on a few occasions. They sell the finest coffee from all over the world and the baristas were award winning. Most memorable was the book corner/store where there was only interesting things to read. "Ok, ok....ok.....ok! Ok!"
"We have to get out of the car to go inside Danny," i said unlacing our hands and taking his seatbelt off.
"Right!" Danny squeezed my hand a few times before opening the door.
As we made our way through the transparent glass door, a blanket of warm air hit me and the rich familiar aroma of coffee which was delectable. The noise the customers made was immense which reminded me how popular a place this is.
"Let's grab a seat and message her," I said. It seemed as if the crowd was never ending this time around. "This place is packed."
"I left my phone in the car!" Danny started to freak out. "Do you think she knows what I look like?"
"I do, you look just like your father," Danny and I jumped in surprise and whipped our heads around to look at the lady in the Facebook photos. She had her hair up and her apron was untidy as it looked like she had been working. "Let's grab a seat."