As one of Queen audience, it was slightly different to my first show. There was no "accidents" in the broom closet, there were no inconvenient roadies likely to be electrocuted, there was not even disdain glances from Brian. As drummer's "girlfriend" I had my backstage pass and I enjoyed all the other privileges they had people close to the band. It was a very different show. With less ups and downs and less roller coaster emotions.
We showed our backstage passes at the entrance which we took with us to being able to have an easy access to Barbarella when we returned. It was an exciting feeling attending a Queen concert, knowing well you were a part of them in a different way. Two days ago I was a kamikaze groupie and now I took Mary's hand quietly as a couple of musical high society ladys. We walked into the dressing room with the restraint of someone who get into her living room and take off her shoes to relax a while. What a difference with Rainbow show, sitting up high on Freddie's shoulders with my heart on my mouth and my ass on the same latitude as his hollow cheek. My God...
Brian walked around restless and crossed a glance with us when we entered. It was a fucking madness, I knew it and he knew it too. What am I doing being the friend of Mary after getting laid his man? That's what Brian thought and Freddie didn't bother to assure him that it was a mistake. After all, it might be better that May imagined him being unfaithful with a blond woman than with a blond man.
I thought everything was a huge ball of lies and nobody was what it seemed to. I was the greater liar in that network. Would it be my life from now on designed to always playing a part?
- Where were you? I needed you...
Roger's strong wrists encircled my waist from behind. I startled, caught in surprise.
- No, you didn't need me -I said smiling.
- Why do you say that?
- Because you are an egomaniac musician who looks himself too much at the mirror. That's why.
- What? -he made me turn around to facing at me.
Roger's face frowning and confused was very beautiful. None of the words that I spoke out of my mouth wasn't indifferent to him. He was more scheming that he would admit. My sentences took them as little darts to his jugular.
- You've already heard me, blondie -I said raking with my fingers his gorgeus blond and messy hair.
- You are an evil woman who enjoy making me suffer.
- Oh, am I? I can't feel your suffering, darling.
- My suffering is covered by my clothes.
- Slob...
- Hey, get you a bed -Freddie screamed from the other end of the dressing room.
We turned our faces to him at once. How he liked being the centre of attention, that bloody guy. He walked around like a cute cat still not dressed up. With those barefoot which were so aesthetic as every part of his body. I stared at his ass tightly inside his white pants till he jumped it over Mary's lap among laughter.
It returned to me that uncomfortable feeling which always started seeing them. I wanted to change the history, of course. I wanted they get married and had just a bunch of little Freddies and at the other hand every time, a different Ashlee made her way inside of me. An Ashlee I didn't know before. Someone who was not satisfied being watcher of other's happiness. Someone who wanted take an active part in that happiness. Although it was only a little piece, just a few crumbs.
- Have a drink.
I turned to that unmistakingly voice. Deaky was handing me a glass of champagne.
- Thank you. But what do you celebrate?
- That it's the fucking last show in the british tour. We are celebrating this.
- Do you miss your wife?
- Wife? I'm not married. Fuck, I'm only 22 years old.
One of my lapses. I always thought of Deaky as a married man. He wouldn't be till Veronica got pregnant in autumm when they got married.
- Who tell you I'm married?
- Nobody. I just imagine. You have a girlfriend.
- Yes.
- I would like to meet her. I thought they'd come all the Queen girls today.
- Ronnie is always busy with her own things. She doesn't like much all this -he pointed out the dressing room with a bottle in his hand.
- She looks like an interesting woman.
- She does. And you are the new Taylor girl? Welcome to our club. Be a little patient with us whatever happen today. The last show use to be devastating.
- You are frigtening me.
- Take care. Never knows with Queen.
I glanced again at Freddie. I couldn't take apart my eyes off him. Now he leant his head on Mary's lap while he stretched out his long legs and looked absent-minded a magazine. God, a new sting. What the hell happen to you, Ashlee? Control.
Suddenly, Roger jumped over me like a cheetah and gripped me under him while I fought grimly against my resistence to make a scene for free. Now he had me well grabbed and I was getting tired of fighting against him, he seemed not be apart from me till he climb on the stage.
Meanwhile on the couch in front of us, my visual target were Freddie and Mary, I allowed vaguely this insatiable drummer my neck angle to bite me as much as he liked. That couple made in heaven seemed so pleased with each other's company. Why was I gripped by distress seeing them? They didn't look like two dogs in season like us. They seemed rather like two tamed kittens behaving with civility and decency. Not a part of our shameful sight wasn't up to Freddie or anybody else, that's the truth.
With my neck burning as though they rubbed it with a thicket of stinging nettle, I sat up pulling Roger apart and heading to the mini bar.
- I need a drink -I announced.
I turned around to look at him, I caught as his gaze was in my ass with his tongue curled to his upper lip. He had his lips swollen and specially nice. I loved his gaze. I loved feeling myself wanted by this cutie. I thought all of a sudden that maybe I'd been underrated him for so long. He might be the key to my mission come to fruition. Besides he could help me to get away the Mercury fire. I wouldn't dismiss it.
- Would you like some? -I informed him.
- Yes, a beer, please. You've drained me.
- You should've left me alone.
- Alan, did you iron my blouse?
- Yes, Mr. Taylor.
- For Christ's sake. Stop treating me as Mr. You make me feel like my father.
There he was Alan. Seeing him closely I found out he wasn't the same guy who took care the hairdryer with Freddie on News of the World documentary. Oh, God. That meant this poor boy wouldn't last long either till they found Phoebe in 1979.
- Hello, Elideth -he waved me with wide smile.
- Alan... you remember me.
- Would you like to eat something? -he smiled mockingly.
- I am still fine. I didn't see you again to thank you for leading me to that table.
- It's nothing.
- Alan, you mind taking care of my blouse? -Roger got impacient, jealous with our lively chat.
- Oh, yes, sorry. Freddie, do I get ready your blouse too?
- Hang on a minute, darling -he said not taking apart his nose from the magazine. What would such a fascinating human being read? I couldn't help thinking.
- Where are you going, babe? -Roger asked me sitting up from the couch where he was lying down.
- I'm sorry, I ask your permission to go to the bath -I answered not very gently.
Alan laughed discreetly and he was volunteering to show me where it was.
- I don't need it. It was just to get rid of him. He's such an insufferable bore. Don't you think?
- The truth is he doesn't attack my neck like this -he joked taking out Roger's blouse.
- What will it happen after this show? Will you go to the american tour?
- I don't know. Queen is a very complicated band. The british tour started off the first of march with a wardrobe assistant, when they reached Paignton the fourth he was already out. Then they employed another one who lasted a little longer, till 26th but apparently he resigned. Then I arrived. I don't know what will happen.
- You're right. They are very complicated people but their lives right now are a little bit convulsive. When they settled down everything will calm down.
While I said all this I didn't believe not a word about my speech. There would always be troubles in their lives. Within a year John Reid would arrive to their lives and all this nightmare with Norman and Barry Sheffield entailed important wage increases but new troubles in their mega stars status. The money carried problems.
But in 1974 it was precisely the lack of money which was causing a great stress. They killed themselves working. They sold out wherever they played, recorded their records in very poor conditions, just when the recording studios were free, usually at weird hours. And at the end the result was an absurdly low amount of money in contrast with their growing fame. They were very upset and sometimes were letting off steam with irrational outbursts which reached the people who worked with them like wildfire.
I don't know what would happen to Alan. I liked this boy. But I had a future ball, in 1976 he wouldn't be with them.
Alan took out Freddie's wonderful pleated blouse. It was so beautiful that I couldn't resist the temptation ask him to touch it. I suited it over me and without thinking further I put it delicately over my head. I spun and spun all over the room with my eyes closed, as if in a trance. It suited me a little longer than Freddie was, almost like a dress. I opened and closed my arms mimicking Freddie's theatrical movements while Alan stared at me smiling but biting restlessly his nails.
- Alright, bring me back the blouse, Eli. I gotta get it ready -Alan told me.
- Wait, let me just a little while. I'm feeling as ethereal as him. It's beautiful, don't you think?
- Yes. Come on, please. Take it off.
- Let's dance a waltz together. Come. I'm going to be your princess tonight.
I took Alan's hand and placed it around my waist. I mimicked clumsily a waltz but failing. I had no idea and he hadn't too and burst into laughter with each step on our feet.
- Won't you stop walking on me? -I insisted doubling up with laughter.
- You've caught me. I just intended to let me go at last.
- Very pretty. Is that any way to treating a lady, heartless?
- Alan, I'm waiting for my fucking blouse. Do you want me to catch a cold?
Alan rushed to get rid of me and took out his blouse from the hanger while Roger was killing me with his gaze. I just smiled at him and I think that pissed him off even more. He grabbed his blouse from Alan's hands with a furious pull and put it on, refraining his desire to push me out of there, I guess.
To get things worst, the remaining character burst into the scene. Freddie was standing there at the entrance looking at everyone with angry face.
- What is going on here? Alan?
Freddie was standing there with his hands placed on his hips. His eyes perfectly eyelined, I swear he could burn us down. He was furious too and I didn't understand a thing. Was he really upset to see me wearing his blouse?
- It was my idea, don't blame on Alan -I rushed to defend the poor guy.
- I'm not talking to you -he cut me off suddenly-. Alan, come with me. And you, take off my clothes inmediately. Now!
His scream made me cringe. I don't know what shocked me more, his howl like a furious thunder or that raging glance which gave me. Freddie's tantrums with the most odd reasons, were infamous and this time I was in the middle of one of them. The truth is I've been three days in 1974 and I get him pissed off more than once.
- You'll be satisfied. For your stupid frivolity and your manners of flibbertigibbet with Alan, I'm going out to play really mad, fuck.
Besides I put Roger's nerves on edge. But he was jealous as hell. I loved that „manners of flibbertigibbet", the truth is you couldn't say these people had a poor vocabulary.
- I was having a good time. What's wrong?
- Trying to get fucked our wardrobe assistant?
- I demand you to take that back inmediately, Roger Taylor or you've just destroyed the little we had.
- I haven't destroyed anything. I'm trying to fuck nobody at your back.
- I said to take that back, bastard!
- What do you want me to take back exactly? That you are a cock-teaser with me and you lack time to get undressed with everybody else? Do you want me to take that back?
- Since when dancing is fucking, crazy jealous?
- I'm not insulting you and I wouldn't go there.
- You egomaniac, idiot, liar, thoughtless, selfish...
- I've said stop it.
- I'm not stopping, asshole! You've just called me bitch.
- I admit finding out that appellative very appropriate for you, if...
I lost my temper and still I don't know what it happened. I slapped his face twice and he grabbed my wrists before trying a third time. I turned against him like a wild animal scratching and biting where I could. I was out of my mind.
Luckily to both Alan and Freddie appeared and took us apart. To Freddie's dismay there was a red blood stain on his Zandra Rhode's blouse as a result of my scratching to Roger's chin. The stain was ridiculous and was placed at one of the pleaded fabric but looking at Freddie's eyes it was like we set fire to his unique piece of clothing.
- I said you take it off and look what you've done. Fucking cunt.
Alan, with his rattled face and evident signals of having cried hysterically, helped me to take it off.
- Don't you worry, Fred. There's still left five minutes to the show. I'll wash it in cold water. This is coming out.
- Hurry up.
Alan hurried out of the room by a corner and Freddie stood staring at we two. Roger bleeding and his hair a mess with his blouse half buttoned and bloodshot eyes and I, kneeling on the floor weeping. Roger grabbed his bottle of beer and shattered against the wall getting out of there like a shot.
- Leave those crocodile tears to another moment. Is it your principal goal getting my fucking life out of control or what?
I looked up with my eyes filled with tears. Damn you, Mercury, my goal is saving your fucking life.