Monday 8th April. I got my period at the crack of dawn with my characteristic accuracy. With so much rush I've woken up and as I ran to the bathroom to put in a tampon, I started to cry and laugh and jump. I wanna get drunk, I wanna toast to my damn menstruation. I didn't get pregnant. I didn't want to think of the future worries. Now I just wanna celebrate.
The first I did was sending Fooling a whatsapp and then I grabbed my Ipod and played full up „Sheer heart attack" and toasted simbolically for Roger's bad shot. At the moment it suited better „I want it all". God, that song did know how to breathe energy. But Roger worth a homage and enjoyed that irritable and uncontrolled sound of the howling guitar and obsessing drums. Life gave me again a break.
I came back to London Thursday 11th april, lighter and joyful like a little bird getting out of its cage. I was unaware of my destiny was going back to that cage sooner or later.
After a previous call to the landlord, I arrived to my new flat well into the afternoon. It was perfect. It would be my new home and I wanted it to be welcoming and livable. Now it seemed only a cold and deserted warehouse. I had plans the next day.
Biba and its home section. And I would see Mary whom I needed to hold. When I finished my scarce fish and chips ration, my body asked me for chocolate and truffle ice-cream despite the cold weather. I thought with a smile that Roger could calm down my craving of sugar perfectly.
I put out the bracelet that I was going to give him from that crazy shopping day and waited the right opportunity. This day seemed perfect. I dialed his number but there was no answer. It was 7 p.m. He might be with the boys rehearsing. I calmed down and tried not thinking anything weird like he was „very busy" to answer. Then I thought if that would happen, I didn't have any right to being jealous.
Fine, I would go and buy an ice-cream as it was the last thing I did in my life. I didn't find chocolate and truffle taste in the supermarket but bittersweet chocolate suited me fine. I used the kitchen for the first time to make me a turkey sandwich and I was still hungry. I threw furtive glances at the telephone refraining myself. At last I couldn't stand anymore and dialed a second time.
At the fourth ring, upset, I was going to put down already when I heard his husky voice and I wanted to shoved it into the bottom of my ear.
- Hello?
- Hi. It's Elideth.
- Where did you go?
Not Hello, not how are you doing, no nothing. Only his reproach voice. And I just wanna cover him with kisses for not turning me into a single mother.
- I'm fine, thanks -I blurted out.
- Oh, really? Are you fine? I had no idea.
- You didn't read my note.
- I had to read it definitely. You left it on my pants.
- So?
- That note was nothing but silly talk, darling. I just knew that I left all alone stranded.
- Roger, don't start to get paranoid. I can't stand it.
- The last thing you said to me is you would never leave me alone. Was I paranoid when I heard it? Did you say in my dreams?
- No, of course not.
- You tell me things for talking's sake. Like to a child to calm him down.
- Well you are very childish, Roger.
- I'm going to put down.
- Don't do it. Won't you listen to me?
He kept his promise. I stood listening to the monotone line with my mouth agape. I was about to crash the telephone against the wall but I refrained to do such a nonsense. Instead I kicked the table and twisted my big toe. It was an even bigger nonsense . I threw his bracelet I had between my fingers, dreamily. I had still to wait to give it to him, if I ever did.
I tasted annoyed with my tongue between my teeth the taste of bittersweet chocolate. That was my recent happiness and I suspected there would be nothing else short term. Ashlee, welcome again to the daily and unfair fighting of life.
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The truth is I couldn't intend being the orchestra director and everyone were playing their instruments obediently to make the perfect melody. Above all when this director most of the time was overwhelmed with too many different factors. The Queen universe was proving a very complicated field and I just trusted keeping on with my needed strength.
The conversation with Roger affected me more than I wanted to admit. I cared about him. I started to get acquainted with his special inflection when he was angry. I recalled perfectly how it sounded when it became a whisper in my ear. Now I lost him again despite all my cares with my letter. Hadn't I spoken out right my mind? What did he see so offensive?
At last I knew that letter hadn't helped him to understand my runaway and it didn't make easier anything. Roger was more simple than that. Really more emotional. The only thing he cared about was I left the room empty and he was asleep on his own and he got angry like a hysterical child to whom they had taken away his toy. If there would be a next time and I didn't lose him definitely, I must cut off the subtleties with him.
The truth is he made me feel very bad with his scorn so I needed to go on and not holding up. Ashlee the small ant must keep her remaining bastions. Mary and Freddie. Although I still believed my ticket to America was Roger.
I decided going to Biba and buy me something to my flat. I bought some carpet, a couple of lamps and three vases to put into flowers. For now it was enough, although the home section was beautiful and I spent hours there. I climbed up two floors till women section. I was going to put me a bandage on my eyes not falling into temptation of buying anything but right away my eyes fixed on a see-through maxi dress, big sleeves and tied at the waist which I fell in love with. Me and dresses.
- Are you renewing your wardrobe again?
I turned around to face Mary and we held each other tightly. Such a long embrace that Mary had to drew me apart while she stared at me closely.
- Everything's fine?
- Yeah, now it is fine.
- Let's suit that dress. I think you'll look spectacular on it.
- I promised I wouldn't buy more clothes. But it's so beautiful, isn't it?
- It arrived just yesterday.
It looked like the manufacturer had made it just for me. It suited me like a glove. I spun making the fabric flew around me. I felt a little bit better. So comfortable that I wore it.
- Today I needed looking good.
- Oh, come on. Don't be silly. You always look good.
- I'm so glad seeing you. That day you waited for me and...
- Roger explained us everything. Are you ok? Did you enjoy with your friends from south?
- Which friends?
- Didn't you go and visit some friends?
- Oh, yeah. Yes, sure, my friends. Everyone's fine. Yes.
With Mary I lied worse and my flaws seemed so easy to see. I didn't know why but it was like this. Knowing I had in front of me such a smart woman didn't help at all.
- The truth is I was thinking visiting you to bring you a gift.
- For us? You shouldn't be bothered.
- It's nothing. You did so much to me.
- Everything's fine with Roger? He told us you made up and you were friends again.
- Well... I don't know, Mary. My relationship with Roger can't be explained with two sentences.
- As every relationship, love -she pointed out wicked looking at her watch-. Could you wait for me a minute? I have a costumer. Don't you go, please -she winked at me nicely.
I took a long walk around the store trying not falling again into the temptation and getting away the dresses section. Suddenly some strong and huge hands with long fingers and the tickling of a lock of hair against my neck. It was a piece of cake to guess.
- Did you guess who I am?
- The man who smells the best in England.
When I've just said that I regretted but it came to me like an uncontrolled geiser. Then I blushed foolishly, sure.
- Thank you, darling -he blinked slowly like a kitten after a stroke and I bit my lips slightly-. Welcome back to London. Shopping spree again?
- I've come to buy some things to my flat. I've moved from the hotel.
- Very well done. Are you throwing an opening party? Are we among your guests?
I got blank. My intention was nobody in that mission step on my new territory. Freddie noticed my embarrassment right away and took me by my shoulders smiling.
- Easy, I was joking.
- It's just my flat is very small and rather ugly.
- But you live in there, didn't you? Right away it's going to stop being ugly.
What happened with Freddie today? So many praises it wasn't usual. He was very glad to see me again. How would he treat the letter which I send them? I hope better than Roger.
- I see you've found our prodigal baby -Mary smiled very nice-. She wanted to visit us to bring us a gift. Isn't she lovely?
- You know we are meeting my parents for tea -Freddie recalled her.
- Oh, it's true. Eli, what about meeting tomorrow?
- It suits me fine.
- Unless you want to come with us to Bulsara's home -Freddie all of a sudden quietly proposed.
I was stunned not knowing what to say. Mary of course thought he joked and laughed.
- I don't know, I don't know why I think they'd like you -Freddie went on undaunted.
- Then we're meeting tomorrow if it's ok with you, Eli -Mary tried to cutting off elegantly.
- Come with us -Freddie said openly.
- Are you sure? -Mary asked him wise but clearly upset.
I noticed quickly how Mary was on her guard. I know there was sacred things, things just theirs. One of them was her boyfriend's parents. I knew instantly she didn't like I would took her place, she had won it in her own right. In the face of the evident and bad vibrations starting to arrive, I was reluctant to the offer.
- Yes, better we are meeting tomorrow. That's not my place. Besides, I don't have anything to bring them.
- Bring them your smile -Freddie said, simply.
I swallowed hard and I knew that day was a little less friend of Mary. What should I do? I didn't like nosing into, that's something I despise. I had the feeling that Mary was a very reserved woman about her most private areas, she appreciated so much family and friends but she didn't like mixing things. Freddie's parents were like her adopting parents. They were an unique part of their lives. What on earth am I doing there?
- Oh, darling. They won't bite you -Freddie insisted.
Mary had lost the battle against Freddie. When he took a fancy to something, nobody could make him change his mind. Not even Mary.
Once on the train we must be travelling one good hour to get to Feltham. My restlessness was not just a product of meeting Freddie's parents but Mary's attitude. She, intuitive and smart saw my objection and took my hand between hers, tighten it.
- They will like you, Eli. I don't know how you manage but everybody loves you.
And then Mary looked secretly at Freddie, by her side, as though she said: he likes you.
Jer and Bomi lived in a small house in 22 of Gladstone Avenue. It was the house where they moved from Zanzíbar 10 years ago. What I remembered the most was the smell of roses in the garden and the exquisite smell of an exotic dessert which Jer made us for the tea. Freddie looked a lot like his mother. His persian eyes and his exuberant mouth. Jer was a short woman and filled with sweetness who seemed taking life gracefully. Bomi was quieter and serious but he had also good natured eyes and he was a good host.
It was obvious that Mary was their future daughter in law and that I couldn't sweep that away in just one afternoon. They adored her. They valued whatever she said. Probably they regarded her like a salvation for his unruly son because they had the feeling more or less deeply his sexuality's confused nature.
Freddie had a lot of women friends but noone had ever come to his home. I guess they were curious about me. But that made Mary displaced inevitably. They weren't annoying and insistent with their questions, they were too polite. But they were the first people who asked me ordinary questions about my life and I noticed so far I was into such a whirlwind of events that nobody had asked me those things.
- Are you from round here? -Bomi got interested handing me the tray filled with little balls wrapped in syrup.
- I was born and grew in Birmingham -I said picking one.
- Oh, yes. It has an amazing art museum.
- I know, it's my favourite place.
- Freddie likes art too. He's a great draughtsman. Do you paint too?
- Yes, of course -I said naturally.
- I didn't know that -Freddie said suddenly, as though I should tell him.
- Have you met since very long? You have never told us about her, love -Jer wanted to know.
- In fact since relatively a short while -Mary took part-. They met two Sundays ago in a show. Eli is a great fan of the band.
Mary would never say the word "groupie" to describe me and less in front of Freddie's parents.
- Oh, charming. One of those girls who shout and pull their hair out when they watch their favourite band -Bomi said with sweet innocence.
- Papa, please. That was beatlemania. They don't act like this anymore. Well, not Eli at least.
- In fact Eli is Roger's girlfriend -Mary provided getting me away of Freddie and my probable links with him.
- Oh, no -I rushed to make clear-. We are just friends. No courtship.
- Roger is a charming boy. He's always asking my cheese biscuits.
- Yes, and he use to eat mine too -Freddie waved his hand so camp and cute.
- Do you study art as Freddie did? -Bomi asked.
- Oh, no. Journalism.
Freddie was knowing things about me through his parents. It was funny.
- Yes, she will be the first journalist who will write a positive critic about us.
- Oh, come on. You've had a lot of positive critics from the new album. Don't complain.
Mary tried to draw attention away from me and I was delighted. I didn't want to speak about my life.
- Will you do? Will you write a critic which I can frame in a picture?
- Do you work already as journalist? -Bomi asked.
- Just amateur level. Now I'm focus on my PhD thesis.
- What's is all about?
- The music journalism in the sixties -I improvised.
My PhD thesis was really about music journalism from 1975 till 2020. Obviously I must fixing up. The truth is I had spoken too much about me and that didn't make me feel specially good. I prefer keeping my mystery aura.
I know there was a definite before and after between Mary and I with that crazy visit to Bulsara's home. I don't think before that she regarded me dangerous, as groupie as I might be. After their spell casting upon me and accepting a tupperware filled with bamiyeh cooked by Jer, she sort of control me. I don't think she would be jealous of me. She was very self confident with her relation with Freddie. But a weird and hidden string sparkled in our earlier so sincere and relaxed friendship.