Later that Night…
Dakota Roth…
Jeremy and I had made it home long before my dad and Charleigh got in. After my confession of going out to lunch with Gavin tomorrow - Jeremy had grown quiet. Some might say he was sulking. Some might say he was jealous, and some might say that he was envious and by some, I meant me because I desperately wanted him to feel all those things. I wanted him to be sick over what he had denied himself.
Childish? Yes.
Satisfying? Abso-fucking-lutely.
There is no room for rational thought in my head when it comes to that man. All I know for sure is that I want him. Need him. Crave him. Ache for him. All those things, all those feelings and emotions feel brand new to me and while they are scary as Hell, they are also exciting in ways that I am not entirely sure how to cope with.
All afternoon, Jeremy barked orders and long gone was the nice man who had assured me that I didn't need to be so formal in the office.
Why was he so mad? He was the one who told me that nothing could happen between us. He was the one who was stopping us from having the one thing that we both clearly wanted and needed. Surely, he had to know that I only agreed to lunch with Gavin to try and get over him! He had to know that a part of me is only doing it to make him jealous. He has to see that we could be good together, himself. He has to decide that he can't bear the thought of me with another man and claim me for himself. I'm not going to lie; I have felt less confident in my plan as the day dwindled on - maybe he just didn't feel strongly enough to do it.
Maybe all I was ever going to be for him was a naughty fantasy that he is never going to risk a life-long friendship over. Yeah, that thought stung in a way that I had not been expecting.
I am so far in over my head, that I can't tell which way is up and which way is down. And now I have a date tomorrow that I am not entirely sure I want to go ahead with. I mean don't get me wrong, Gavin is a nice man, handsome beyond reason and he definitely made me smile as we talked earlier. But there was something missing that I couldn't ignore. The fire that simmers in the pit of my tummy when Jeremy and I talk. The burning desire to rip his clothes off and mount him like a bucking-bronco. To be fair though, no man other than Jeremy has ever made me feel those things.
My phone pinged on the nightstand where it was charging and I saw Jeremy's name flash for a second before the screen when dark, indicating that he has sent me a text. Right on time to - the past few nights, he has always texted me at this time - it has sort of become our thing.
Charleigh had only left my room about a half hour ago, citing that she needed to have an early night because she was exhausted from her first day with my dad at the garage. We had spent the night talking about our crushes and how we were coping with it all. I had to admit that I have never seen my best friend like this over a guy before - usually she was always so calm and centred when it came to men, always the one in control and nothing ever lasted more than a couple of dates. I think that she feels as much out of her depth as I do right now and there is a comfort in that. A sense of calm that I wasn't expecting to feel to be honest. I don't feel so alone and exposed as I would if I was the only one who was struggling with what is essentially a forbidden desire.
Jeremy was forbidden. For no other reason than him being my dad's best friend. I say that because honestly, the age gap means next to nothing to me. Hell, I am going out on a date with Gavin who is five years older than Jeremy and I have no issue with that. Age is nothing but a number.
'Whatchya upto? xxoxx'
Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing outwardly suggestive about this message, but the undertones scream that there is a hidden undertone here. One that I am not entirely sure I have picked up correctly.
'Just reading in bed. You? X' I never put more than one kiss on my replies because, I am trying really hard to be mature about this, trying with all my might to understand the position that Jeremy has suddenly found himself in and I don't intend to act like a brat until I get what I want because that would always leave me questioning whatever transpires.
I want us to be a natural progression.
The message is read, and the dots appear to show that he is typing a reply, but they stop several times and when a few minutes pass with no reply, I lay my phone back on my nightstand and return to my kindle.
I had promised myself that I would download some books on dating dad's best friend and honestly, I am mostly disappointed - they are either nothing more smut filled adolescent ramblings, or they have too much of a separate storyline that it just feels like an age-gap romance. I am beyond frustrated - and more than a little turned on.
My phone pings again and I see Gavin's name flash on the screen, I gave him my number earlier when I told him that I would have lunch with him tomorrow, and he gave me his number.
'Hey,' that was it and I found myself smiling - I liked that he wasn't just jumping straight in.
'Hey, how are you?' Unlike with Jeremy, Gavin is typing continuously and almost instantly a reply comes through.
'I'm good, how are you?'
'I'm ok, thanks. What's up?' I hit send as Jeremy's name appears along the drop-down notification.
FML - trying to juggle two conversations at a time has never been my forte. I hit the button to read his reply and nearly dropped my phone when I saw what he had typed.
'Lying in bed, thinking about that kiss we shared xxoxx'
Thinking about our kiss?
Why is he thinking about that? And why is he telling me that he is thinking about it?
What does he expect me to say to that?
My phone pinged with a reply from Gavin and because the interaction with him feels safer right now, I exit the conversation with Jeremy and head back into the thread with Gavin.
'I was just thinking about lunch tomorrow, and I realised that I didn't ask you what you would prefer, so before I make any plans, I need to know what kind of food you like? X' this is the first kiss he has offered and honestly, it doesn't light me up the way it does when Jeremy sends me kisses.
Jesus Christ. I am a fucking sadist. I know there is no future with Jeremy. I know that there can never be anything between us, but I really can't deny just how much I want him. How attracted I am to him. Or how I ache for him in places that I have never ached before.
'I actually like pretty much anything, although Amanda took me to an amazing Italian place today. X' just as I hit send to Gavin, my phone pings with another message from Jeremy.
Fuck me. I am jumping like a yo-yo between the two conversations, and I have to keep my fingers crossed that I don't somehow accidentally mix up my responses. Flipping over to Jeremy's thread and nearly drop my phone once again.
'I can almost still feel your lips against mine, it turns me on to think about it, the little moan you made, gets me hard every time. Do you think about it? Xxoxx'
'What the fuck is happening here? What are you doing?'
With this admission, I lost interest in Gavin's replies for now as I watched the little dots jumping across the screen as Jeremy types whatever response he is about to send to me.
'I'm talking to the only person I can talk to about this, please 'Kota, talk to me xxoxx'
Is he serious?
This is torture. This is cruel. How can he think that this is a good idea?
Does he actually hate me?
'Please sweetheart. I need to talk about this, and I can't talk to your dad xxoxx'
'I don't think this is a good idea.'
'Noted. And a part of me agrees with you but I am desperate here, please Dakota? Xxoxx'.'
'Fine this once you can talk to me, but I suggest you find a new friend before you feel the need to do this again.'
I know that I am going to regret this. I mean, why wouldn't I?
Talking about shared feelings with the man who put the brakes on things before they ever really started. Of course, that is a recipe for disaster. The question is, why can't Jeremy see that?
'Thank you, sweetheart, that means - everything. So, one thing has been on my mind since that night, can I ask you about it now? Xxoxx'.'
'What is it?'
I sat in silence as I waited for him to reply. My tummy was doing loops around my bowel somewhere as nerves raced along my veins like electricity along power-lines. Honestly, I don't quite know what I was expecting but what came through next definitely had me stumped and biting my tongue.
Yeah, this is definitely a bad idea. There is no good to come from this conversation and I wished more than anything that I could just tell him to forget it, but I know that there simply is no way.
Jeremy Danielson…
This is a bad idea. Colossal. Like burn my entire life to cinders bad but I hadn't lied to her when I said that I needed someone to talk to about all of this. I couldn't approach Jason - he would lose his shit. I knew it and honestly, there is no way that I could even blame him for it.
I was having some serious feelings for his daughter and as much as I want to say that it is purely physical, I know that is a lie. I mean yes, I am aware of how devastating her looks are, you would have to be blind not to see how beautiful she is. And it is the type of beauty that could have men emptying their bank accounts just to possess her for one night. As leery as that, sounds - it is without a doubt true. I know I would, in a heartbeat.
Now, as much as I knew that this was a bad idea, the question I had just sent her was an even worse idea. I don't know what possessed me to ask it - no, that is a lie. I know exactly why I asked it. I wanted to know. I needed to know for my fantasies. I needed to know, for when I imagined sliding between those Heavenly thighs. I needed to know, for when I claimed her body in my fantasies. So, I took the chance and typed the question that has plagued me ever since her initial comment.
'You said that you don't have much experience, does that mean you are a virgin, sweetheart? Xxoxx'.'
God, I am a dirty old man. I have become the one thing that I always swore that I would never be. There has been no woman on the planet who has ever made me feel like this. Like my world feels completely off axis when I am apart from her. Like I can barely catch my breath when she leaves my side. Like I might just lose what is left of my mind if I don't touch her, kiss her, claim her.
When she told me that Gavin had asked her out - I had felt that green tinge of jealousy cloud my vision and I had to consciously fight not to go and pound my friend's face into ground-meat for daring to approach what is mine.
Dakota is not mine. As much as it feels like she is. I have no right to interfere in her life. I have no right to demand that she say no to someone asking her out and honestly, there are very few people better than Gavin. I know that deep down. I know that with him she will be safe.
My message lay read but there was no sign of her replying, no little dots, nothing. And I didn't know quite what to do.
Do I press the issue?
Do I carry the conversation on, glossing over the unanswered question?
While I was debating what to do, her reply came through, 'this isn't exactly appropriate Uncle Remy, but in the interest of this conversation I will be as transparent as I can be - I am not a virgin but I have had a limited number of lovers.'
A limited number of lovers?
How many is limited?
Jealousy is a living, breathing monster inside me. The idea of another man touching her, kissing her, making her make those cute little moans she made with me, sliding his cock into her - it was like a red-cloth to a bull. My feet itched to climb those stairs and let myself into her room and show her just what she meant to me.
'How limited? Xxoxx'
'Just…limited. Let's move on from this topic!' she replied instantly, almost as if she knew that I would ask. There is one thing that I have noticed - she is very careful not to show much emotion, almost as if she is guarding her heart and I guess, after all she had been subjected to with Anna, I couldn't begrudge her that.
'Alright, moving on - what you wearing? 😉 Xxoxx'
'Ha-ha. If this is all you want to talk about, I am going to go to sleep!'
'No, please don't, sweetheart. Indulge a dirty old man for a little bit? Xxoxx'
'You are not old, and you are not dirty, horny maybe but not dirty 😉'
Well, fuck me. I don't know why but her words instantly left me feeling more, calm than I had been in days. This was the closest thing to a real conversation that we have had since that moment in her bedroom.
'Not sure that there is much of a difference sweetheart, but I appreciate the sentiment xxoxx'
'There is a huge difference,'
'Care to share? Xxoxx'
'I'm not sure that is a good idea x'
A kiss. Does this mean I am breaking through her defences?
Excitement sizzles through my veins at a rapid rate and as I stare at the screen, I wonder how far she would be willing to take this conversation. But as much as I want to get off - I know that we have more important things to talk about. There is a heavy cloud hanging over us and the more we ignore that, the more likely we are to be discovered by my best friend who just so happens to be her dad.
Fuck my life!
'Maybe you're right. Let's move on, yes? Xxoxx'
'Good idea x'
God, my chest puffed out with pride, another kiss. When the fuck did, I become so fucking lame? I am getting excited over a little X on my phone screen. I really need to get a life.
'Are you really going to go on that date with Gavin? Xxoxx'
'Is there a reason that I shouldn't? X'
'Gavin is a good man. If you were going to date anyone, other than me, I'd rather it be him. I just…xxoxx'
'You just, what? X'
'I am jealous. I want it to be me. I want to be the one to take you out. I want to be the one who openly shows his interest xxoxx'
'I see x'
For a long beat, there is nothing else that needs to be said. There are no words to soothe the sting of having to take a back seat in her life. There is no balm for the fact that I have to watch her moving on with her life and seeing her get involved with someone else - it slices through my heart like a damn dagger.
'If you could, where would you take me? X' she finally sends me and my heart hammers as my brain screams - 'my fucking bed'.
Yeah, I am going to Hell. I am coveting my best friend's daughter. The little girl who used to ride around on my back pretending that I was her horse. There is a special level of Hell for what I am thinking of doing to her.
Jason would have my balls in a blender if he ever found out about this. I know he would. I am walking a fine line but there is nothing I can do to stop myself. I am not even in control of my actions anymore - this girl has seeped under my skin and is drawing me to her in a way that I have never experienced before.
'So many places baby. First, we would go somewhere quiet and romantic to eat, then we would go dancing, and that is just an excuse to hold you in my arms and then we would take a drive out to make-out hill to end the night xxoxx'
Just the thought of holding her close to me - has my cock throbbing desperately. My need for her is almost blinding at this point. I have to consciously fight myself to remain in this bed. I am itching to go to her. Literally jerking in my need.
'Make-out hill? X'
'Yeah, it's just on the outskirts of town, a deserted little parking spot where you can watch the lights of the town, it's beautiful, almost as beautiful as you xxoxx'
'You are making me blush x'
And you are making me hard as fucking steel. Jesus Christ - I need help. I need to get myself under control because this, whatever this is between us, can't happen. I know that. I am trying so fucking hard to accept it but there is a part of me that just can't because deep down in my soul, I have a feeling that this girl is the love of my life.
How utterly ridiculous is that?
I mean she has only been back in our lives for a little over a week and already I am trying to convince myself that she is everything that I am ever going to need. The question is - do I really feel like she is my future, or am I trying to justify my actions, so I have an excuse for my best friend?
As much as I don't want it to be the latter, I can't argue with my rational brain when it whispers that I can't possibly fall in love in a week. That the type of connection I am feeling for this girl is simply physical because the alternative is that everything I ever believed about love and connections was a lie. My previous belief being that those people who state that they fell in love at first sight were crazy and out of their minds. Love and bonding take time and work - insta-love always seemed like a stretch, something that was made up by pop-culture to make lonely people feel like there was some sort of hope for them. Now here I am staring at my phone and wondering if what I am feeling is what she is feeling.
And if she is feeling what I am feeling - how are we going to get through this?
Can we get through this?
Without hurting my best friend. Without me losing the only friendship that I have ever truly cared about.