A Couple Hours Later…
Dakota Roth…
From the moment I walked into the kitchen at home this morning, I knew that something was wrong.
Jeremy wouldn't look at me; going out of his way to look at anything and everything to avoid me. When he replied to anything I said it was one-word answers; barked with a tension that I am such a sadist for getting turned on by. And he kept a depressing distance between us, ensuring that there was at least one item of furniture between us at all times. The drive to work was no better - the tension was pulled so tight between us that I feared it was going to end with both of us reaching a bungee-jump level of whiplash. Once we got to work - he barked a couple of orders at me then made his way into his office, slamming the door behind him.
What the fuck?
Had I done something wrong? I even went back over our conversation from last night on the off chance that maybe he had sent me another message that I hadn't noticed, or maybe if I said something that had put him in this foul mood. However, as far as I could tell there was nothing.
We had made plans to start this stupid sext-ual exchange that was his idea. I wasn't entirely sold on the idea, but he talked me into it, convincing me that it could be the only way for us to get past this sexual tension that flowed between us. I mean, I agreed that we had to do something. We had to find a way to push through it because my dad couldn't find out. There is no way that he would accept it. I knew that as sure as I knew that what I feel for Jeremy isn't going to be remedied after a few sexts.
Somehow, without my knowledge the man has slipped under my skin, and I am powerless to get rid of him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to get rid of him.
What I feel for him is new. It's exciting. But it is also dangerous and already consuming far too much head space. What will it take to get past this?
Can I get past it?
What the fuck was I thinking when I refused to get involved with men before? I'll tell you what I was thinking - I was sure that I would never find a man who could turn my head. I was certain that I was going to be one of those little old ladies who lives for her cats and her smutty romance novels. I was convinced that I would buy a little house out in the country surrounding the town I was raised in, and have my own little vegetable garden, maybe a couple of chickens and sheep. I have always felt more of a kinship towards animals than humans anyway - so I had sort of been looking forward to the plans I had made for myself.
Men brought nothing but hassle and heart-break. Not something that I ever wanted a part of to be honest. There was no man around home that turned my head enough to make me want to change my plans.
Two seconds after getting off the plane here and I am caught in the sights of a man who sets my pulse racing, my knees knocking like I have arthritis or something and my breath becomes locked in my chest with no means of escape except when he looks away from me. I swear there is some sort of thread running between Jeremy and I - like a red silk ribbon of energy that connects us on a level that I am desperately afraid of.
Why am I afraid? Because this man holds so much power over me and possessing power like that over someone means that you have the ability to destroy them whether you mean to or not. Just look at today - it has been hours and he is still shut away behind his closed office door. I have heard him yelling at people on the phone, but he hasn't buzzed me to come to his office, hasn't sent me any messages to get him anything. I almost feel like there really is no point in me being here today. I am basically sitting here at my desk playing that stupid candy crush game on my phone. I am actually so engrossed in my game that I don't notice the time and I don't even notice that anyone is standing at my desk until I let out a string of expletives that could make the Devil cringe, "cocksucking wanking ball-bag ass-backwards cunt-bucket!"
"Jesus!" The sound of Gavin's hearty chuckle makes me almost fall right off my seat.
"Shit! Fuck! Sorry!" I mumble, my hand gripping my chest trying to calm the erratic thump that resulted in his sudden appearance.
It was also at this point I realised Jeremy had opened his office door. I could see his eyes on me, a frown creased his forehead as he watched me and Gavin.
"No need for an apology, Dakota. I appreciate a woman who has a colourful vocabulary," he continued to chuckle as he ran his hand across the lower half of his jaw, the bristles of his trimmed beard making a loud scratching noise that took me slightly by surprise because the beard itself looks invitingly soft.
"Oh, I most definitely have that," I grinned, looking at the clock on my computer screen - shit where had the morning gone?
"So, I just witnessed," his smile was easy and not at all judgemental at having heard what most people told me was a disgusting habit. "Anyway, are you ready for lunch?"
"I am. Let me just check with the boss that he doesn't need anything before we leave?"
"Sure, I'll be here," he glanced over at the office where Jeremy was still glaring at us, obviously not sensing the tension, Gavin raised his hand and waved, "hey bossman!"
"Hey Gav'," so he hadn't lost the power of speech. A part of me bristles at that. It was just me he was ignoring.
What the actual fuck is his problem with me?
What have I done wrong?
The thing that disturbs me the most is the fact that it actually hurts to know that I am the only one he is purposely ignoring. I don't want it to hurt. I want to pretend that it is having no effect on me, but I fear my eyes are being far too expressive as I enter his office. I never have been good at schooling the things I feel - I may have the mentality of someone who doesn't need anyone, and I may never actually vocalise my feelings, but I am still fucking human - if you cut me, I still bleed.
"Is there anything you need before I take lunch break?" I ask, keeping my voice perfectly pitched even if my face was showing the hurt, I would never let him hear how badly it was affecting me.
"No!"
"Fine!" Turning back around, I casually walk out of the office. What is the fucking point? I could have sworn I heard him say sorry in a whisper, but my heart was beating so hard that I couldn't be sure and there was no way that I was giving him the pleasure of me turning around now that I was walking away, "we're good to go. Where are you taking me?" I asked as I grabbed my bag from under my desk and slipped my long wool coat over my shoulders.
Only when we were in the elevator shaft did I make eye-contact with Jeremy who was now standing at his office door watching us - the look on his face unreadable but the hurt and anger in his eyes screamed at me.
Hurt? He was hurt? Over what?
The man has ignored me all morning, he has bordered on being fucking rude and he is now looking at me as if I have just betrayed him. How fucking dare, he!!
The thing is I had been intent on cancelling this date this morning, at least before his whole attitude problem presented itself to me. Now I am more than thankful that I didn't cancel. I am not the type of girl who appreciates games, least of all head-games that only one party is privy to.
"Well, I made reservations at the pizza place I mentioned last night, is that ok?"
"Hmmm?" This was getting out of control - I could feel the deep-rooted tug inside me, like all of my insides were clawing to break free to get back to where they belong. At Jeremy's side.
"The pizza place?" Gavin asked, chuckling softly.
"Oh yes, that's fine," snapping myself out of the gravitational pull that was my dad's best friend. Turning my eyes up to the man who was currently standing at my side and smiled as he smiled down at me just as the elevator doors began to close.
'Do not look at Remy!' I warned myself, it hurt, like a physical pain right in the centre of my heart. If that damn organ could talk it would be screaming at me right now. I know it. I feel it.
Today, he has made it more than clear that he has no space for me in his life and while I don't know what exactly I have done wrong, I will not permit being treated like shit, not anymore and certainly not from anyone, least of all a man who has been nothing more than hot and cold with me up to this point. I have to figure out how to seal my heart off. I have to find a way to lock down these feelings because I am clearly nothing more than a game to him and I am not interested in playing games. Never have been and never will be.
****
The restaurant is beautiful - very Italian based, the deep red in the decorations lends a soft romantic hue to the atmosphere. The dark interior creates an intimate feel, even when the sun is high in the sky outside. Little fairy lights make it feel all the more intimate and I find myself more relaxed than I would have thought possible especially after what just transpired at the office.
"I actually have a cousin who lives in Scotland," Gavin tells me.
"Really? Where about?" I asked, expecting the usual of either Glasgow or Edinburgh, mainly because most people assume there is nothing further north in Scotland than those two major cities.
"Kinloss!"
"No way? That is about 15 miles from where I grew up," I smiled. Kinloss is notoriously an army village, it has the base right in sight and the majority of the inhabitants take advantage of the provided housing, "so, is your cousin in the army then?"
"Her husband is," he nodded.
Lunch has been great. We have talked and shared stories from our past and honestly, there is no way that I am not attracted to this man but there is a huge part of me that knows this is going nowhere. My stupid heart is just too far gone.
The stupid notion that things with Jeremy will work himself out is in the fore-front of my mind. I can't seem to help it. I ache for him in a way that I never thought I could ache for a man.
I know it's wrong.
I know that we have no real future.
My dad would kill us both. There is no world where he would ever be ok with his best friend dating his daughter. I know all of this but God, I feel like I am sinking in him regardless and I know that means I am in for a world of hurt that I simply don't know how to cope with.
"So, you want to tell me about what is going on with you and the boss-man?" Gavin suddenly asked as he wiped his hands on the napkin that had been placed in his lap.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Come on Dakota, the air in the office was so thick I could hardly breathe earlier. And the way he looked at you-"
"The way he looked at me?"
"All possessive and jealous that you were leaving with me," he explained and there is a weird bubbling in the pit of my stomach at his assessment of the situation he walked in on, "am I wasting my time here?"
God, I want to tell him no. I want to tell him that it is him I am interested in. However, if I did that, I would be making myself a liar and there was no world where that appealed to me. I have never been a liar and I do not intend to start now.
"Hey, it's ok if you aren't interested, I am good with being friends-"
Why couldn't I have met this man first?
Why did I have to go and stupidly fall for my dad's best friend?
The thing is - my heart is no longer my own. I have no control over it and no matter how many times I try to tell myself that I don't need him - Jeremy is what I burn for.
Jeremy is who I need more than I need air.
God help me, it's only Jeremy. It's always going to be only Jeremy and the sooner my head and heart get on the same page, the easier I might find all of this.
Jeremy Danielson…
The minute Dakota came into the kitchen this morning I knew that I was fighting a losing battle. Dressed in what could only be described as a sweater dress - the deep claret colour screamed touch me, the material stressed sinuously across the dips and curves of her defined body. The neckline was wider than I was aware of until she had bent forward, and I got a view of the valley between her teardrop shaped breasts concealed in a black lace bra – God I wanted to touch them, lick them, suck them, bite them. The material wrapped around her body like a second skin as it dropped to halfway down her shins which were bear and shiny with the tattoos peeking out, and what could only be described as jet-black, hooker heels made her stand just that little bit taller.
However, it wasn't the way her body was on display in the dress that devastated me - it was the way she had straightened her hair to within an inch of itself. Usually, she had a little kink on her blond locks, but she had shaped it around her face making those gorgeous eyes, those high cheek-bones, and full ripe lips the focal point of her entire being. Smokey eye make-up made those deep blue eyes pop in a way that felt almost as if they held the power to hypnotize, a light blush on the apple of her cheek-bones gave a sense of health, and blood red lips teased my senses in a way I have never experienced before.
I am in so much fucking trouble.
With the dream still lingering in my mind - the way her body had felt in my hold, the soft little gasps that she made, the smoothness of her skin against mine, the scent of her arousal - it was all still right there as if I had actually really experienced it in the waking world instead of just in a dream. However, it wasn't just the good parts of the dream that remained with me - it was the way my best friend had all but disowned me in a matter of seconds. The wild look in his eyes. The snarl of his lips as he called me a pervert. All of which I agreed I deserved.
With that in my mind, I closed myself off and kept a healthy distance between us in the house. That had been easier than I envisioned, even if it hurt physically to do so. And I could see the confusion beginning to form on her beautiful features. Of course, she didn't understand. How could she?
I had been so insistent last night. I had been so sure that trying to text through this attraction would help us both move on. God I am an asshole.
The drive to work had been what proved the hardest. In a small, confined space with her - the scent of her sweet perfume swirled around me, settling against my skin, burning into my nasal passage was like a brand of torture designed solely for me. I white knuckled it all the way to work, not talking to her had the tension between us stretching and I could practically hear her asking herself what she had done wrong.
I hated myself.
I hated leading her to believe that this was anything but my fault. I mean I am the adult here. I am the grown assed man who is attracted to a woman who could be my own daughter. Aching for a woman who is the daughter of my best friend.
And that is exactly why I am doing this - there is a code. A guy-code that you do not try to seduce your best friend's daughter. No matter how amazing you know it would be to give in. No matter how much you feel like you have finally found the other half of your soul. And just to be clear that is what this feeling inside of me feels like.
Dakota is my soul-mate.
Believe me I know how sappy and pathetic that sounds, but it is hard to think of her any other way. The pull I feel towards her is a deep knot in my stomach that feels stretched and razor thin whenever she isn't in my line of sight. When she is so far away from me, I can feel an almost intense itch break out all over me.
All morning I had remained in my office with my door shut. I don't remember when I have had such a productive morning. I fought hard to begin with to push through the need to open my door, just so I could see her. Just to know she was exactly where she was supposed to be. However, I knew that was where she would be. I knew it because I hadn't given her any orders this morning and with the knowledge that she was just a few feet away, I slowly managed to focus my attention and get down to business.
Phone calls were made.
Emails were returned.
Paperwork was worked out and put into order.
I was beginning to feel good about myself and all that I had managed to accomplish. Then I heard the elevator ding as it came to our floor. Glancing at the clock on my computer screen to see it was her lunch time.
No, it couldn't be. Surely after last night's conversation she would have cancelled her lunch date with Gavin. Right?
Before I can stop myself, I am up and opening my office door just to see what was happening. And there he was - standing at her desk and she was muttering at something on the screen of her phone and Gavin actually threw his head back, rumbling with laughter making her almost fall right off her chair. I was too far away to hear what they were talking about, but I watched with bated breath as she slowly stood to her feet, rolled her shoulders back and walked towards me, head held high but refusing to give me her eyes. Damn it.
"Is there anything I can get you before I go to lunch?" She asked, coming to a stop in front of my desk, still refusing to look in my eyes.
"No!"
"Fine!" Without another word, she turned and strutted right towards the door of my office, her hips swaying in a way that drew my gaze.
"Don't go!" My voice was barely above a whisper but if she heard me, she ignored me and continued on her way.
Before I could stop myself, I was up and resting in the doorway of my office, ankles crossed and arms crossed over the front of my chest, watching her as she set about getting her long wool coat on and grabbed her bag from under her desk. Not even bothering to look at me, not uttering another word at me, it was as if I had ceased to exist in her eyes and that left me feeling colder than I was prepared for. Only when she was settled in the elevator shaft did her eyes meet mine and I could feel that pull.
No, not a pull. A Goddamn tug right at my core - begging me to go to her. To go and grab her out of that elevator and into my arms where she belonged. All of a sudden, my entire world shrunk to a single pin-point - her. Just her. My woman.
Mine.
It wasn't the first time that I had those thoughts, and I am more than sure it wouldn't be the last time. Because no matter how awful I was to her, no matter how hard I pushed her away, she was still mine. In my heart. In my soul. All that mattered was in that beautiful compact little body.
The sense of pain that slammed into me was strong enough to take me to my knees and I was thankful that I had the door-frame holding me up. And as my gaze ticked over to Gavin - my anger punched me right in the gut as he looked down at her adoringly.
What right do I have to act so jealous?
I had pushed her away. I had created space between us. I had shut down on her. I had absolutely no one to blame but myself if she ended up falling in love with the guy. I had ruined everything.
Everything but my friendship with my best friend. And as much as I hate it - I suddenly feel like I have made the wrong choice. I mean it is one thing to be honourable but when it is to my own detriment - how is that being honourable to myself?!
As my friend, wouldn't Jason want me to be happy?
I know that I want him to be happy. I want him to find love because as much as he wishes it were different, he was never truly in love with Anna. I don't think he has ever actually been in love. Sure, he has had strong likes with women but never consuming, can't breathe without them type of love. And honestly, I, myself am only just experiencing the true depths of it with Dakota.
Once the elevator closed and tore her away from me, I moved back to my desk after closing the door and slumping in my chair, whirling it around to look out over the little town where we lived. Our little slice of Heaven wasn't the biggest town in the world and some days it felt like everyone knew everyone's business. With that being the case, I can't help but wonder how long it would take for news of Dakota being back, and if we were ever to manage to get together - how long before the whole town knew about it?
I don't know how long I sat there staring out at the world, my thoughts ping-ponging through all of the emotions that I am feeling for my best friend's daughter. But a loud knock tore me from my musings, "come in!" Was she finally back?
Turning my chair in time to see Gavin letting himself into the room. I had always liked Gavin - he was a straight shooter, always willing to help, hard worker and a bit of a ladies' man but he was never cruel with it, like I said a straight shooter - never had any issues with crossed lines as far as I could tell. "What's up?" I asked, trying to look past him just to see her.
"I thought you should know, I had to take Dakota home!"
Instantly my concern ripped through me like I was being torn in half, "what? Why? What happened?"
"Honestly man, I have no idea. We were having a good time when she got a text and her entire demeanour changed and she suddenly complained that she couldn't see-"
"Couldn't, see? Why didn't you take her to the hospital?" Panic coursed through my veins.
"I was going to, but she explained it was an optical migraine, she took a pill and explained she needed to lie down in a dark room and asked me to take her home!"
Migraine.
I had no idea that she suffered from optical migraines. I guess I really don't know all that much about her after all. I started grabbing my things, "thanks for telling me, Gavin!"
"No problem. You, heading out?"
"Yeah, I am gonna work from home for the rest of the day," stuffing my laptop and the company hard-drive into my bag, "you good to take the reins for the day?"
"Of course," he nodded, a knowing smile on his face, "do what you need to do,"
"Thanks man,"
"No problem, tell her I hope she feels better,"
"Will do!" My jaw clenched with such severity that I feared I just cracked my wisdom teeth.
I just had to get home. I had to make sure she was ok. I had to see for myself that it was indeed a migraine and nothing more serious. I could call Jason when I saw the situation for myself. No point in worrying him unnecessarily. I don't imagine that Dakota would appreciate being crowded right now anyway.
By the time I got back to the house, I was shaking with the concern flying along my veins and flooding my heart with adrenaline that I really didn't know what to do with it.
I flew through the front door, kicking off my shoes in the mud-room and hightailing it straight to her room which was shrouded in darkness as the black-out blind was pulled down and the curtains pulled over too. A small salt lamp sat in the furthest corner of the room emitting a warm soft glow and there was Dakota, a tiny little lump under the covers, her dress lying in a puddle by the foot of the bed, Zeus curled up at her side. On the nightstand sat a bowl and when I looked into it, I could see the bile that she had expelled at some point between Gavin dropping her off and me getting home.
Grabbing it up, I quietly moved into the en-suite; instantly caught in a thick curtain of her scent - the sweet lingering plumes of her perfume hung in the air like some sort of cloud, her make-up strewn over the counter-top, the subtle undertones of her coconut and lychee shampoo mixed with the perfume creating what I had deemed her scent, just Dakota. It was her through and through. I quickly disposed of the contents, in the bowl down the toilet and washed the interior before taking it back out to her. I needed to put distance between me and the very essence of what made her who she was.
All through it all, she slept. A soft heavy pattern to her breath. Zeus glanced at me, a soft whine in his throat as he lay guard at her side, his head resting on her hip, trying desperately to offer comfort to her. Even if she couldn't feel it right now. I gave him a quick scratch behind the ears and silently let myself out of the bedroom and left the door open a fraction so I could hear her should she need me.