The Following Morning…
Dakota Roth…
'Come on baby-girl; come home and let daddy take good care of you. I have your mom under control, we can have a lot of fun.'
Staring at the recent text from my mom's boyfriend and feeling the nausea rising up inside me. I feel my skin pebble with goosebumps and my blood run cold. The implications of his words are as clear as the sun in the sky this morning. And it disgusts me in a way that I have never felt before.
Does he really think that I would agree to that?
The problem I am having is that I have no clue what to do about it all. I mean, I would be lying if I said that the idea of sending my mom a screenshot of her boyfriend's messages has crossed my mind more than once, but I know my mother. I know her better than she knows herself and I just know that she would accuse me of deleting my responses before sending her the picture. As stupid as that, sounds - I know that is the way her mind works. It is what she would truly believe.
However, that doesn't leave me with a whole lot of options. And as I stare at the ceiling of my bedroom, I have never felt more alone than I do in this moment. I can feel the stirrings of my migraine rising again, but this time it is just the headache thank God. I can live with the pain - it's the loss of my eyesight that paralyzes me. I am not used to relying on other people and when my vision fails me, it leaves me dependent on other people. I do not like that.
Could I tell my dad? I can't deny that the feeling is enticing. I mean handing the reins over to him and letting him deal with it all is an attractive thought that I allow myself to indulge in for a few moments.
My dad is nothing if not protective of me. Especially after what I told him happened to make me leave Scotland. I just know that he would tell me to forget about it and then he would wade in there and take over. Put Stuart in his place. Put my mom in her place, no doubt. Now that is a thought I could get behind. And I probably would tell him if I didn't think that my mom's piece of shit boyfriend would push my dad into making a huge mistake. And by mistake, I mean Stuart is good at pushing people's buttons to the point where all you want to do is pummel him into ground meat.
I couldn't do that to my dad. I wouldn't. Not when he has done nothing but open his home to me and welcome me home with open arms.
It feels too good to have a parent who actually looks out for me for a change. It feels good to not have to be the care-giver for once. To just be a young woman with no worries. I have never had that before. I have never just had the option to be me. No responsibility of ensuring someone takes their meds and not having to fight them at every turn to try and stick to the schedule and routine, not having to worry about ensuring our money stretches to meet all the bills and feed us. There is a sense of freedom that I have now tasted that I don't think that I can give up.
"'Kota?" The sound of Jeremy's voice and a gentle knock on my door pulls me from my musings and I turn towards the door.
"Yeah?" I asked as Zeus lifted his head from my chest for a second; sniffing the air and deeming the scent unthreatening, he dropped his head back down and closed his eyes. I have to say - I might love this dog more than anyone else - he has barely moved from my side since I got home with the migraine.
"Can I come in?"
"I guess!"
Jeremy. I don't think that I have ever felt so confused over anyone in my life before. I can't deny that I am still hurt over the way he acted the other day. And I definitely am not ready to forgive it, but I can be an adult and act civil for the sake of everyone else living in this house.
"I'm just making some soup for lunch, and I wanted to see if you wanted to try some?" He popped his head around the door and his eyes found mine with ease, sucking all of the air out of my lungs.
God, he is so handsome. My heart immediately gallops away from me as if I have just had some sort of shock delivered to my system. The depth of his midnight blue eyes is like some sort of beacon that draws me in at an incredibly rapid rate. My breath locks down in my chest until it burns. My tummy tumbled in a way that feels both unfamiliar and one hundred percent right. Like kismet.
What the fuck?
I have to stop myself from thinking that way. Jeremy has made it abundantly clear that I am nothing more than a passing fancy that he can work out of his system. Does it hurt? Of course, it does but I will not allow a man to see any negative effect they have on me. No man is worth my dignity.
"No, thank you,"
"Still feeling nauseous?"
"Mmhmmm," I nodded. I mean it's not a lie. I do still feel sick, but I believe that the worst is behind me at this point and honestly, I do feel hungry, but I am just not ready to be around him yet.
I don't even know if I will ever feel ready to be around him. Not after he had ripped my heart to shreds. Not when he acted so cold towards me the other day. I am just not ready to let that go. Even though I should have expected it, if I am being honest. It isn't the first time that he has pulled back from me. And I don't suppose it will be the last.
It is the back and forth I can't handle. The wanting me one minute and then denying it the next minute that is messing with my head.
Does he really want me?
Or is this all a huge game to him?
I mean, I don't want to think that I am some sort of game to him. I don't want to be some sort of conquest that he feels the need to use until he has worked it out of his system. That was why I was so reluctant to try his whole sexting idea. Not when I knew that my own feelings were so far beyond the physical and the impersonal stance of sexting would only serve to deepen those blossoming feelings but there was a part of me that wanted to know what he would do to me if given the chance. Just for a few precious moments I wanted to feel what it would be like to be truly desired by him.
How many hours have I laid here wondering what his touch would feel like? I mean, it's not like he hasn't touched me before, but it wasn't enough.
I can still feel the touch of his lips against mine if I think hard enough. I am aware that I am sounding desperate, but I can admit it to myself. I can allow myself the luxury of the truth but there is no way I will ever let him know just how badly I ache for him. I can't let him know. It already feels like he has too much power over me as it is.
I am well aware how fractured my thought process is over this man and as much as I want to fight it, to get back to the woman I was before this man walked into my life and tossed everything up in the air - there is a part of me that doesn't want to be who I was before him.
Life before Jeremy was cold. It was empty. It was meaningless. Like I was merely going through the motions. Doing what was expected of me and not much else. And just one look from this man and everything felt like it burst into technicolour - so vivid and crisp as if the world around me was finally coming to life. Or was it me coming to life?
"Can I get you anything sweetheart?" He asked me, pulling me from my thoughts once more and the blush crept over my chest and up my throat, making the glaringly obvious journey to my face.
I was back to being, sweetheart. How is it that that name has me feeling all giddy and excited?
"I'm good thanks," I managed to reply in a neutral tone, thank God. I don't know that I could handle him, hearing the longing in my voice on top of everything else.
I watched the way his mouth moved - all sinuous curves and movements just as my phone pinged with another text and as I glanced at the screen seeing Stuart's name flash for a second before the screen went dark again - fear, disgust and shame welled up inside of me.
"Hey," Jeremy pushed into the room, "what's wrong?"
In a matter of seconds, he had eaten the space between us and was sitting on the side of the bed, I could see the way he was tempted to reach out for me. It was almost like his body was jerking, his hands itched to touch me, comfort me should I need it.
As much as I needed that to happen, I couldn't allow it. I had to shut down my emotions for now. I had to steel myself against the pain of hiding things from the people in my life. I was too ashamed to allow anyone to know what was happening.
An Hour Later…
Jeremy Danielson…
What is it going to take for her to forgive me?
I made a mistake. Granted, it was a huge mistake but in my defence this situation is beyond sticky. It is wrong on so many levels that surely, she could understand that I am going to make mistakes along the way. I am navigating something that I never thought could or would happen to me.
Attracted to my best friend's daughter.
Falling for my best friend's daughter. It wasn't like any of this came with an instruction manual. I am doing the best that I can, but I know that I fucked up. I let a dream get in my head. I let a stupid dream dictate my actions in the waking world and that is not something that I knew how to fix. Admitting that I acted like a jack-ass over a silly dream seems like letting go of my pride in a way that I can't bring myself to do.
But then what is the alternative?
Let her continue to think that I am an asshole? Rationally I think that might just be the best option - put the distance between us that ensured we never gave into this overwhelming need that seems to flow so effortlessly between us. Let her assume that I was playing her in the hope of just getting her into my bed. I know it really is the best option but one look in those baby-blue eyes and I find myself wanting to confess my deepest, darkest secrets to her.
No woman has ever had this type of control over me.
Even in the early days of my marriage when everything was sunshine and roses, I never felt this strongly. I never felt this consuming need fuelling my veins. I never imagined a future with Lauren. Not really. I mean sure I believed that she was the one but that feeling back then pales in comparison to how I feel about Dakota.
I can't ignore the tug. It is ever present. Always simmering in my gut like it aches for her presence - even if it is just to lay my eyes on her. To know that she is still here and safe.
Safe.
There was something in her entire posture that changed earlier. The way she glanced at her phone and then turned almost rigid, and her eyes dilated with fear, her bottom lip worried between her teeth before she shut it all down. The way she pulled herself together and gave me a smile, telling me everything was fine. I mean I am not a stupid man, there is no way that I was buying that. Not in the slightest. How could I?
Regardless of my feelings, she was my best friend's daughter and that meant that I would fight to the death for her. Even if she weren't Jason's little girl, I would still protect her with everything inside me.
Mine.
She was mine to protect. Mine to keep safe. Mine to love. Mine to hold. Mine to touch. Mine to make love to. Just mine. It really felt that simple as I stood here at the stove stirring the soup I had made.
The hearty aroma of ham and vegetables permeated the air, and I felt the begging in my tummy intensify. Dakota said that she didn't want anything to eat, and I had to respect that she knew her own body better than I did at this point, so I had left her alone when it was clear that she simply wasn't going to talk to me about all of this. Whatever was bothering her was controlling her too deeply right now and that is something that I was going to have to work on. Because no matter what - I was going to make her trust me again. I was going to earn it all back.
"Uncle Remy?" Her soft musical voice pierced the silence and I slowly turned to look at her, my heart nearly stopping right in my chest, mid beat.
The long satin smooth waves of her blonde hair were piled high on top of her head, a few loose strands framed around her little heart-shaped face, completely devoid of make-up she was still hands down the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, but like this she actually looked every bit of her twenty years - sweet, innocent, and so tempting. The red in her eyes informed me that she had been crying and I wanted nothing more than to absorb those secrets that were torturing her, but she was intent on holding her cards to her chest.
Standing before me now in nothing but what looked to be a towel and the straps of a virgin-white bra, the straps looped up and around her neck. The first thing I notice is the definition of her curves - she was like a little hour-glass - a slight little waistline that tapered down into wide, child-bearing hips and thighs, her flesh so milky-white that the white of what she was wearing under the towel seemed to glow against her smooth skin. The second thing I noticed was the little infinity symbol above her right breast - the towel was covering the bottom half of it, but the shape and design was unmistakable. Why hadn't I noticed that before? My eyes kept perusing the compact size of her body.
This girl was my future. I felt it on such a deep level that had I not been leaning against the counter I think I might have dropped to my knees as it stole my breath with its absolute certainty. I just had to make her see it too.
I had to make her see that we were meant to be. Inevitable. Destined. Kismet. It suddenly felt like we were just wasting valuable time by fighting this. The circling we were doing around one another was pointless - the attraction was just too strong to ensure we kept our distance.
"Yeah, sweetheart?" I found my voice and was more than surprised with just how husky it sounded, like the desire for her was flowing from my mouth without permission. Could she hear it?
Could she feel it?
If she could, I would give her, her due - she kept it locked down. Remind me never to play poker with this girl!
"Is it ok if I use the hot-tub?"
"Of course, it is, you will need to give it twenty minutes or so to heat up before you get in though," I explained.
Jason had been meaning to get a new one, because the one he had was a much older model but as of this moment, he simply hadn't gotten around to it but the one he had still worked so if Dakota wanted to take advantage of it, I wasn't going to argue or tell her no.
"Thank you," she gave me a soft smile, not a real one, no this was more the type of smile that you give someone simply when you are trying to be polite. And it caused my heart to plummet right down into my bowel somewhere.
I really had screwed this whole thing up.
Despite all of that, I really can't say that I am not proud of her. The way she has made it abundantly clear that she will not accept disrespect of any kind but still managing to remain adult about it all - fuck most women my own age simply, haven't mastered that type of maturity. It was beyond impressive. It was something that made her all the more beautiful for it.
"Mind if I join you?" I found myself asking.
What the fuck am I doing?
This is a bad idea, right? Yet I can't bring myself to care. I just need to be close to her. I just need to spend time with her, in her presence - even if we don't talk. Even if somehow, we just sit in silence, I will feel calm and at peace. I know it as sure as I know that I need to breathe to survive.
"If you want to," her reply wasn't exactly dripping with excitement but that was ok. I could handle that. I could handle whatever she wanted to dish out because I knew in the end, she would be mine. Hell, she was already mine, she just didn't realise it yet.
I would find a way to make it work. I would find a way to explain it all to my best friend because these feelings I have are so deeply embedded inside me at this point that I don't have any other option than to tell him. I can't decide if it is rational or irrational what I am thinking right now, but surely Jason would want his daughter to be happy and with a man who shows her the respect that she deserves, and he would want nothing but the very best for her. Someone who can provide her with a safe and secure life. Someone who will love her above all else - and being that he is my best friend surely, he would know that I would give her all those things and more.
"Great. That will give me time to have this soup, are you sure you don't want some sweetheart?"
"I'm sure, thank you!" She moved to the French doors and pushed them open before stepping outside, she glanced back at me to find me still watching her, she gave me that sweet, polite smile again before closing the doors behind her.
I don't know what is going to happen in the hot-tub, but I am definitely not as closed off as I was the other day. I am open to whatever she wants to offer me. I am ready for more. I guess the question is - is she?