The Following Day…
Dakota Roth…
Dad had offered to put off his business trip to stay home with me but as I told him - there really was no point in him sticking around, I am not exactly the best company when I am fighting through a migraine flare. I knew he wasn't convinced, and I knew that the only reason he eventually agreed to go was because Jeremy said that he was working from home until I was ready to go back into the office.
Charleigh had accepted my dad's invitation to go with him to Toronto, there was some sort of car-show out there and dad was always there to make contacts for his business. They would be gone for three days.
Three days alone together. I know that my best friend is excited to spend some alone time with my dad and we had arranged to go shopping on Saturday when they got back and then head out at night to have a few drinks and go dancing. I was looking forward to that. I was excited for it because it has been a long time since we have gone out dancing.
However, first I had to get through the following three days before I could get to the good stuff.
Three days with Jeremy.
Alone.
I am not quite sure that I am going to fair very well over the course. My plan was to remain shut up in my room under the guise of sleeping through this migraine. And honestly, these migraines did take their toll on me - once my eyesight came back and the headache died down, I was left utterly exhausted, and the nausea would take a couple of days to clear up so until then I would be surviving on water.
'I never meant to cause you any sorrow, I never meant to cause you any pain, I only wanted one time to see you laughing, I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain…'
The sound of the iconic song by Prince ate through the air between where Jeremy was working, and I was lying in bed. It wasn't loud, not loud enough to disturb me, but definitely loud enough that I could hear it and a part of me wondered if Jeremy had played this particular song for a reason.
That is the thing with Uncle Jeremy - I can't tell what he is thinking. I mean just when I begin to think I have a handle on him and that what he is telling me is the truth, he goes and flips the script by pulling away from me and ignoring me. I am as frustrated as I was the other day when he acted like I had somehow personally offended him in some way. Last night in the kitchen I knew that he was reacting to the connection between us - I was sure that he was going to make a move, or at least try to make a move but there was no way that I was allowing that to happen for a whole host of reasons…
I had been throwing up most of the afternoon and there was no good that could come from kissing me at that point.
He had spent the whole day ignoring me - there is something that I have called pride, I don't take shit from any man. Regardless of how attracted to him I may be.
While Gavin and I had talked pretty much exclusively about Jeremy and what was happening between us, Uncle Jeremy didn't know that and there was no harm in letting him think that there was something between me and his co-worker.
I am not interested in playing games, but I will if I have to.
So, Uncle Jeremy was going to have to find a way to get over whatever it is he is feeling for me because there is no way that I am going to continue this toxic back and forth with him. It is more than clear that he has no real interest in me.
For me I am more than interested in the physical with him. I want something more. I don't exactly know what that would entail but I know that I want more than sex. I want more than a quick fumble in bed, and it has become increasingly obvious that that is all he wants from me. And what he needs to understand is that I won't let that happen. I can't let that happen because if I did, if I just went along blindly after what a man wants - it would mean I haven't learnt a damn fucking thing by living with my mother.
I have seen men use my mother and she seems to just go with it. Even when it would hurt her or drag her mood so far down that she would sink into the depression part of her illness. I vowed early in my life that I would never turn out like my mother. Pain and heartache from men just never seemed worth it. I would much rather have my own peace of mind.
'I never wanted to be your weekend lover, I only wanted to be some kind of friend, Baby, I could never steal you from another, it's such a shame our friendship had to end, Purple rain, purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, I only want to see you underneath the purple rain…'
How am I meant to get through these next couple of days?
If I have learnt one thing from my short time here already, it's that I am weak around Jeremy. I can feel my body sway towards him whenever he is close. I can feel my resolve weakening with the sound of his voice. I can feel that gravitational pull towards him when he looks at me - it's almost as if he is in the same place - fighting this attraction that feels like it could be combustible if we even gave in a little bit. However, that cannot be true - not with his back and forth, not with the games he is playing. As much as I don't want to believe it, I have to learn to accept the fact that I mean way less to him than he does to me.
I am not some naïve little girl who can't take a hint. I may not be worldly experienced when it comes to men and love and emotions, but I do know when I am being brushed off. I will not make a fool of myself for any man.
Regardless of the fact that I feel like he might just be the great love of my life. Whether he intended to or not, his display of toxic venom yesterday was a loud and clear enough message to me. I will not let anyone break my heart. I will not make a fool of myself for anyone.
'Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing, It's time we all reach out for something new, That means you too, You say you want a leader, But you can't seem to make up your mind, I think you better close it, And let me guide you to the purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, Purple rain, purple rain, If you know what I'm singing about up here, C'mon, raise your hand, Purple rain, purple rain, I only want to see you, only want to see you, In the purple rain,'
The song slowly comes to an end, and I sigh with relief - I had managed to remain tucked up in bed even when my entire body had itched to go out there. To be in his presence. Even if it was just to sit and be quiet with him.
God, I feel like some damn fucking junkie. I ache to be around him. I ache to just look at him. One little gaze to remind me of how handsome he is. That pull I feel between us is tugging at my core. It is demanding a fix of our drug. My skin feels alive with a thousand creepy crawlies dancing over me. My heart is thudding a powerful, desperate beat that I wouldn't be surprised if he could hear it out in the living room.
What is happening to me?
Why can't I push past these feelings?
What is it going to take to get over this?
Grabbing my phone, I pull up that text I got from Stuart - feeling the desperate need for my Uncle Jeremy dissipate into a fear and anger that collided with seismic demand. A demand to address this before it gets completely out of control but how do I react?
How do I deal with it?
A part of me wants to call home and tell them that they can stick their 'forgiveness' up their asses. There are so many things that I could say to them. So many words and insults that I would love to spit at them but honestly, what good would it do? Sure, it would make me feel better for a little while but then what?
I am not the type of person who enjoys confrontation, that isn't to say that I would avoid it because I refuse to be anyone's victim but if I can find a work around instead of conflict, I would rather do that than get into a vocal battle with people. Maybe that makes me naïve. Maybe it makes me weak. Pathetic. Honestly, I don't care what people think of me - as long as I can live with myself and my choices that is all that really matters to me.
Maybe it is just better to ignore it. Not reply. Not get into a slanging match with them because I know what my mother is like - she spits insults and threats without thinking it through and I would rather just leave things as they are.
No contact.
No exchange of anything more. She did enough damage when she took 'his' side over mine. She showed me exactly who she was when she allowed herself to be manipulated by some man whom she hadn't known all that long. And that is exactly why I won't accept the games that Jeremy seems to be playing with me.
Yes. No contact is the best course of action. On both accounts.
Although that is almost impossible when it comes to Uncle Jeremy because I am his P.A. after all. I have to interact with him.
Work. I can be professional while we are at work, can't I?
Jeremy Danielson…
Jason and Charleigh have been gone for a few hours and the house just sits in painful silence. The sound of the clacking of the keys on my lap-top the only sign that anyone is home. It was so frustrating that I had put on the song that I had heard on the radio on the way home yesterday from the office - the song that had made me think about Dakota.
Dakota.
The girl was in her room, I'm not even sure if she is awake or if she is still sleeping off the effects of the migraine that consumed her yesterday. Of course, it wouldn't take any effort to go and check but there is a part of me that is terrified that she will dismiss me like she did earlier this morning in the kitchen. The evidence of fucking up things between us has left a scorch-mark on my heart.
Have I really lost her?
Have I ruined my only chance with her?
A part of me aches from the fact that I don't know where we stand now. Just two nights ago we seemed to have worked out a way for us to get over this attraction that we feel towards one another. I mean, don't get me wrong I know that there was a strong possibility that sexting with her wouldn't be enough, that somehow it would only make the attraction worse. Even though that was a possibility - I had to try. I had to give it my all because there is no way that Jason would ever accept what was happening between us, so if we could work through it by sexting, we owed it to Jason to try. Didn't we?
At least that was how I felt before Gavin came into my office and told me that my girl had said she couldn't see. Not knowing that she suffered from optical migraines - my panic for her was so instant and complete that it didn't fully hit me until I saw her lying in that bed with the covers pulled up over her body, lost to the slumber that I now knew the migraine pills caused - that was when I realised that what I am feeling for her is not simply just physical.
I want more than just sex with her. I need more than just sex with her. But I can't help but fear that I have missed my shot. I watched her leave with Gavin. I saw the way she looked up at him with adoration in her eyes that matched the same in his eyes when he looked down at her.
The light pitter-patter of dog paws echoed down the hall until there was Zeus looking at me expectantly before moving along to the French doors at the back of the house, "you need to go to the toilet, buddy?" A soft whine and an energetic wag of his tail told me I had guessed right as I got up and moved to the doors and slid them open.
Pulling my cigarettes from my pocket, I slipped out onto the decking as I lit up - inhaling deeply. Zeus trotted off into a corner of the property to do his business as I moved down the steps and across the ground to the spot that Jason had sold me recently.
When my best friend bought this house - it came with a large section of land and when my marriage ended, I decided that I would like to live out of town just like Jason did but there wasn't much property for sale out this way, so I approached my friend about buying some of his land to build my own house on and thankfully he agreed, selling to me for a fraction of its worth. The plans had been submitted and we were scheduled to break ground as soon as Spring rolled around. Until then the ground was just too hard to build foundations on.
I was ready though. Even more so now that Dakota was living with Jensen. The temptation was too strong. My need, to claim building more and more every day. But now that she was seeing Gavin; I knew that I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do that to a friend.
But you would sleep with your best friend's daughter? The thought hit me so suddenly that I sprung around expecting to see my best friend glaring accusingly at me.
Look, I know it is wrong. I know that coveting these feelings for a girl half my age was not something that a lot of people would ever accept or understand. And up until the moment that this girl walked back into my life, I might very well have been one of those people but now it is me it's happening to, I really don't know if I am strong enough to resist.
I don't want to resist.
I want to succumb and submit to it. I want to worship her like the Goddess that she is, and I want to build a life with her. Something that I now know would never have been quenched by a few sext exchanges. I was an asshole for even suggesting it.
Not only was it a disgusting suggestion to make but it had left a sour taste in my mouth, like she was some dirty secret that needed to be worked through. Like she didn't deserve to have the man in her life claim her completely. I was so ashamed of myself. Could she ever forgive me for that?
Could she forgive me for my actions the past couple of days?
Inhaling on my cigarette as Zeus trotted over to me, his alluring blue-eyes looking up at me as if he knew just how badly I had fucked up and he was ashamed of me. Yeah, join the que buddy! God, am I so far gone that I am now having silent conversations with a fucking dog?
Barking at me as if he were answering me once again, I can almost imagine him telling me to get my shit together, that the girl in the house was worth so much more than I had been willing to admit to even myself until now. "I fucked up huh?" Scratching behind his ears earned me a break from the accusatory glares he had been casting my way, "yeah, I know, you love her huh?" As if he understood me, he gave a soft whine to confirm I wasn't wrong.
Not for the first time, my mind turns to my best friend and how he would react to me telling him I was falling for his daughter. The fallout would be apocalyptic - I have absolutely no doubt about that. I had seen it in my dream and there was nothing about it that didn't feel like some sort of prophecy just waiting to erupt.
How could I make him see just how right this all felt to me?
And it did feel right. Almost as if she were made specifically for me.
It didn't matter to me that she was my best friend's daughter.
It didn't bother me that I had held her in my arms when she was barely a few hours old.
It didn't feel wrong to know that I now felt this way about her.
What felt wrong was being apart from her.
What felt wrong was trying to downplay what I feel for her.
What felt wrong was watching her with another man.
Smoking my cigarette right down to the filter, I moved back towards the house where my girl was tucked up in bed.
My girl. God, it has never felt more natural to think of a woman as mine, as it does with Dakota. I have never wanted a woman so badly in my life. I can feel that connection between us, almost as if it is some sort of life-line. I depend on it. I need it. I need her. It really is that simple.
With her long blonde hair, those baby-blue eyes and gorgeous vibrant smile. The type of curves that men would go to war to possess. The soft tinkle of her laughter a shot straight through my heart like a death-blow secured me as hers for the rest of my life. Yes, that is what I am feeling - a life-long desire to commit to her. I would do anything.
Whatever she asked of me really. But would she ever ask anything of me now? I know that I had acted like an asshole. Even if what I did was justified, she had done nothing to warrant the wrath I had exuded the other day. It wasn't her fault that I was struggling. It wasn't her fault that I let that dream get in my head and fuck up whatever it was that we had been building towards.
I couldn't even really fault her for going on that date with Gavin either. The whole time they were gone I tortured myself with thoughts of what they were doing.
Had they clicked?
Were they going to see one another again?
Did that mean I was well and truly out of the running?
Gavin had given me nothing when he had come by my office to tell me about the migraine. There was no mention of their date. No confirmation that they had decided to go out again. And that was a new level of torture that I had never imagined.
Closing the French doors behind me, I watched as Zeus made the small journey back towards the bedroom where Dakota was and squeezed through the gap in the door.
Would she welcome me if I went back there?
Would she talk to me or tell me to get bent?
I am such a fucking coward because the fear of the latter made me move back to the sofa and pick up my lap-top intent on getting some work done. At least I still had my job to rely on. I could lose myself to the paper-work and forget for a few blissful hours that the girl of my dreams is just a few feet away from me.
I could do that right?