A Few Hours Later…
Dakota Roth…
Consciousness begins to bleed through the edges of my slumber. Wrapping its tendrils around me like some sort of boa-constrictor and beginning to squeeze the safety of sleep away from me. I could feel my body fighting to remain where I am.
In sleep I am safe.
In sleep I don't have to worry about anything.
In sleep I am not a disappointment to anyone.
In sleep I can be with who I desperately want to be with. In the world of my dreams - Jeremy isn't mad at me, he isn't pushing me away. I can wrap myself around him and feel the support and love that I can feel pouring off him in the waking-world. Hell, even my dad is happy about our relationship in my dreams. Don't get me wrong I know that would never happen in the waking-world. I am not so delusional that I believe that my dad would be magically happy and on board with any type of relationship between Jeremy and me.
My eyes blink open to find my room bathed in the soft warm glow of the salt lamp in the corner of the room. Bathing everything in this soft orange warmth that was much kinder on my eyes after the migraine that had burst out of me during the lunch date I was enjoying with Gavin.
I should call him, or text to apologize for the abrupt manner in which I begged him to get me home. I know that he said he understood but I still hate that I had to cut everything short the way I had.
After he asked me what was going on with Jeremy and I - I sort of had a bit of a break-down and found myself pouring the entire story out to him. I left no detail out - from the one and only kiss that Jeremy and I had shared, to the texts, to the arrangement we had come up with the other night, and right up to this morning and how it was as if a switch had been flipped and he was a totally different man. A man that I simply didn't understand.
I am not an unreasonable woman - I am someone who does her best to listen to people and try to always put myself in other's shoes to truly try to understand their stories and what makes them do what they do. Jeremy wasn't giving me that benefit of the doubt though and without that, what am I supposed to think?
What am I supposed to do?
After his behaviour today it was clear that he had second thoughts about the plan and that would have been ok if he had just come and talked to me about it. If he had just talked it out with me. If he had just remembered that it wasn't a plan that I had exactly been convinced of in the first place. See this is why I never got involved with men before - the head games are just unnecessary. Pain and hurt could be completely avoided if men learnt the basic skill of talking.
Glancing down to where I can feel a warm heat on my hip to see Zeus's beautiful blue eyes watching me and the minute, I smiled he let out a little whine and moved up until he was licking my face and I was giggling, "I'm fine baby-boy. You'd never do me like that huh? No, you're a good boy," scratching behind his ears earned me extra kisses until I had to gently push him back, placing my own kiss to the top of his head, I peeled back the covers.
The bowl I had by the bed had been cleaned out and replaced. Who did that?
Grabbing my robe, I didn't see the point in pulling on clothes because I was just going to come back to bed. Zeus hopped down from the bed and remained at my side as I stepped out into the hallway of the house which lay in complete silence. I didn't even know what the time was. But as I stepped into the front room, I became aware of two things - one was that it was indeed night-time as the moon snuck it's beautiful light into the room through the gap in the curtains, and two was that Jeremy was sat on the sofa, typing away on his lap-top, his shirt unbuttoned at least three buttons down, his work-suit slacks were pulled tight against his thighs under the lap-top. My eyes scanned him - he looked tired. He looked frustrated. And he looked like he had been there for hours. Before I had the chance to take full inventory of him - those beautiful midnight blue eyes rose to me as if he sensed me.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" It was the first words he had uttered to me all day and I was slightly taken aback. A part of me wanted to be childish. I wanted to be petty and tell him he doesn't have the right to ask me that, but I couldn't do it. No matter how much I believed that he deserved it. I wasn't strong enough to push it.
"Been better!" I admitted and then continued on my way to the kitchen. I may not be able to be childish, but I could be reserved. I could be polite without being immature.
"What happened?" He asked, getting up and following me to the kitchen area.
"Migraine!"
"Yeah, Gavin said that but what I mean is, what brought it on?"
"Stress!" You. I wanted to blame him. I wanted to tell him that the way he acted today was what had caused my brain to momentarily shut down. But I couldn't put that on him. I wouldn't, not when it wasn't entirely true.
I mean yes, the stress of his attitude certainly hadn't helped but it wasn't the catalyst to why my eye-sight had failed and eventually my head felt like it was being ripped apart. Migraines are so difficult to explain because the pain is so literally blinding in my case that I barely have enough time to acknowledge it before my body goes into survival mode.
"Gavin said it came on after you got a text-"
That damn text.
A wave of nausea tumbled through me until I had to turn towards the sink, convinced that more bile was going to come flying out my mouth any second. My blood ran cold at the thought of that fucking text. My flesh pebbled with goosebumps, and I felt my entire frame tremble with fear. Which in itself was an extreme reaction given that I know I am safe here. I am on the other side of the world and there is no way that they could afford to hop a plane over here let alone afford to stay in any type of motel.
I should just have ignored the text, but my best guess is that with all the stress of not knowing what was going on with Jeremy and his attitude towards me had lowered my defences and it was the camel that broke the camel's back, so to speak.
"Yeah, it was nothing-"
"Well, that is bullshit!" He growled and I felt him step up behind me, his hands gathering my hair gently to hold it back as if he sensed my need to throw up, "if it was nothing, you wouldn't have had the reaction that you did and you wouldn't be hunched over this sink now at the mere mention of it!"
"I have it under control, it doesn't concern you!"
"The Hell it doesn't!" He pressed against me, letting me feel just how hard and muscular his entire being is. And can I just say the way my body reacted was completely unexpected.
My blood began to heat until it literally felt like it was bubbling in my heart and melting the coldness that I had felt from him all day. My heart was now thundering a wild beat in my chest, beating so hard and fast that I was sure it was cracking my chest wide open. My stomach was alive with what felt like a million butterflies trying to escape from my body. My knees felt so weak that I was sure he was the only thing holding me up at this point. And the most shocking part was that I could feel the way my pussy was now throbbing with blatant need. My arousal was soaking through my panties at an embarrassingly rapid rate. The need to feel him inside me was obliterating any other thought from my mind as that tug, I felt towards him earlier today seemed to just intensify now that he was this close to me.
I have to find an antidote to this man. I have to find a way to shut my emotions and needs down when he is this close because I can't afford to mess up. The stakes are too high. And with that in mind, I allowed myself the seconds to conjure that damn text he was asking about and slowly it started to ebb away the arousal I was feeling.
'Dakota, I managed to smooth things over with your mom for you, and she has agreed that you can come home but I expect a lot in exchange for me helping you. You are going to be daddy's good little girl, aren't you? Stuart'.
How the fuck am I meant to tell anyone about this?
My dad would lose his shit, I knew that better than I knew anything else. I knew that Jeremy would be livid - regardless of whatever is going on between us. I know that simply because I am his best friend's daughter, meant that he would have my back. I won't allow them to get in trouble for me. I can't allow that. I love them too much.
Love.
I love Jeremy. Fuck, all of this just got a hundred times more complicated.
I have to push it down. I have to find a way to get passed it. It is going to hurt too much to be rejected out-right. I can't let that happen. Not now. Not ever. I know that nothing can happen so there is really no need for him to know just so he can confirm what I already know.
Jeremy Danielson…
Being this close to Dakota was dangerous. The pull I feel towards her is so consuming that I am willingly stepping up to the fire knowing I am going to get burned but I can't stop myself. I feel my feet moving without my consent until I am pressed right against her. The way those soft curves seemed to click against the hard planes of my own body was intoxicating in ways I have been craving all day.
The satin smooth feeling of her hair was exactly as I remembered as if it had been seared into my sensory bank. The scent of her swirled all around me until I was sure that I was drowning in it. Drowning in her.
I am so fucked.
Jason and Charleigh had come home as soon as I called my best friend to tell him his daughter was in bed with a migraine. I had watched as Jason crumbled when Charleigh explained about Dakota's history with the headaches that I, thankfully have never experienced because from the way Charleigh had explained it - they sounded like torture in a way I had never had to think about.
I could see it in my best friend - the way he felt guilty at not knowing what his daughter had been going through. I knew him better than he was aware of because I knew what he was feeling was exactly what I was feeling - he should have known because he never should have been separated from her. Anna had deprived him of the chance to know his daughter and the more that he learnt the angrier he grew at his ex. And I don't think there was a jury in the world who would argue his right to feel resentment.
Charleigh told us that those migraines could leave Dakota wiped out for days. So, when she had walked into the front room, I had been a little surprised, but I had told Jason that I would be up late anyway, so if she needed anything I would be here. Of course, he hadn't wanted to go to bed just in case, but he had to head out of town tomorrow and needed his sleep.
"It doesn't even matter anyway," she sighed as her little body retched with the need to expel whatever was in her system but since she hadn't had anything since I had emptied that bowl by her bed, there was nothing left to come up.
"Clearly it does matter though, 'Kota," my free hand eased onto her back, rubbing firmly to help coax the rest of the retches from her, "your body wouldn't have reacted the way it has if it didn't matter!"
Staying away from her today had been torture. All I wanted to do was bury myself in her. Give into the delicious attraction that was so easily sparking between us. Acting the way, I had was stupid. I knew that but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. It felt like the only path available to me. The temptation of her was almost consuming at this point and I had only had a kiss.
One little kiss.
One moment of connection that changed me. The moment those perfectly soft lips had made, contact with mine had spun my world on its axis and everything that had felt cold suddenly felt bathed in a warmth that was purely Dakota. I hadn't even been aware of the way everything around me was cold and lifeless. I hadn't even known that I was barely going through the motions.
"What I mean is that it isn't your concern," her tone was cold. Which in itself was funny if you think about how her very presence had chased away the cold from my heart. However, after the way I had treated her today, I couldn't say that I blame her for her reaction to me now.
Even though I couldn't blame her - I felt a tug at my core. That damn pull towards her, that connection that I couldn't escape no matter what I did. It was as if my entire being was aware of her - wanting to be close, to soothe her worries, to share her happiness, to be the cause of her smiles and the one who inflicted unimaginable pleasure to flood her tiny compact little body. I wanted to be her everything. I wanted to see her belly round and full, with my babies. I wanted to go to sleep with her wrapped up in my arms. I wanted to wake up with her beautiful smiling face as the first thing I see every morning. In essence I want a life with her. I want to be the one person she comes to whenever she has a problem.
But I can't.
I can't have my heart's desire because Jason would simply never permit it.
The minute something happens with Dakota and I, would be the moment I hammered the final nail in the coffin of the friendship that I had with my best friend for over twenty years. And it isn't as if I can't even understand where his anger would come from.
"'Kota-"
"Goodnight, Uncle Remy!" She slipped out from between me and the counter where I had essentially pinned her, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge on her way, Zeus trotted along at her side as she disappeared down the hallway.
The cloud of her scent lingered behind her as a further wave of torment to remind me that I had messed up royally.
What had I expected when I pushed her away? Of course, she was going to take the hint - she was a smart girl. And she was proud, just like her dad and I hated that I felt proud of her for that. It showed that she wouldn't take shit from anyone, least of all me. I absolutely understood that I was giving her mixed signals and a part of me hated myself for it but what could I do? We were in an impossible situation and that unfortunately meant that there was no rule book to guide us through this.
Making my way down the hallway, stopping outside her door for a few moments and hearing the running water of her shower, sighing as my forehead fell against the thick wood that kept us apart from one another. "I'm sorry, beautiful!" I whispered before pushing away and heading towards Jason's door and knocked loud enough to wake him.
"'Kota?!" He was up almost instantly, ripping the door open, "is she ok?"
"Well, she was up for some water, and I think she is in the shower now," I explained. I had promised that I would wake him if she woke up.
"How'd she seem?"
"Well, I asked what had stressed her out, but she was tight lipped but whatever it is, she was retching again but I don't think there is anything left in her system to come up,"
"Fuck!" He growled as we both headed back towards the kitchen, stopping outside her door for a few moments to listen but all we could hear was the sound of the shower running. That in itself was off because she always listened to music when she was in the bathroom.
The light on the cooker flashed 02.49am as he flipped the switch on the kettle as he scrubbed the hair on his face, he prowled back and forth like a caged animal desperate to be let free to hunt, "I could, fucking kill Anna for this!"
"You think it has something to do with her and the boyfriend?"
"I'd bet my life on it!" He was angry. Livid at the fact the woman who was supposed to take care of his daughter had treated her so appallingly that she was now suffering from stress induced migraines.
Would she have been plagued by them if she had grown up here and her dad?
I like to think that she wouldn't but unfortunately, I think these things simply develop regardless of the nature in which you are raised. A part of me wishes that I could take it on for her, just so she would never have to feel this pain ever again. Just to ensure that she was free of all of the symptoms that came with the headaches.
"I hate that I have to leave in the morning-"
"I know man, but I will be here. I am going to take the day off and stay here with her, give her a couple days to get over this, you know I will take care of her,"
"I know bud, there is no one I would trust more with her,"
Well, I felt like a complete fucking asshole.
My best friend trusted me with his daughter and there is a part of me that swells at that trust but a bigger part of me wants to just tell him what I am feeling. We have never had secrets between us and now here I am with my biggest secret ever and I can't even talk to him about it.
No this is one secret that I have to take to the grave with me.
I have to find a way to let her go because there is no future with her. And even as I try to convince myself of that - there is a little voice at the back of my head that screams…
'What if she is the only future for me!?'