Hey I'm bored and I know you ain't that busy.
Drop down to the parking area. I'm waiting for you.
Being in cloud nine wouldn't even begin to explain exactly what I was feeling in the moment that I read those texts. Two days in a row was new to me and I bet he knew as well. That however was not the reason for the excitement. I was excited because he had actually instructed me instead of asking me. I was used to the kind nature of my fiancé. He would always ask me whether I was in a position to do this or that and he would understand if I said no. This other man on the other hand was so commanding it almost made me rethink all the decisions I had made in my life. I felt giddy, like a school girl who had just been texted by her crush. Technically it wasn't far from the truth as I had fallen for this man the moment I had laid eyes on him when he visited my office. His height and soft smile, paired with how his eyes shone through his glasses was something I was sure many women would find tempting.
I quickly texted back that I needed a minute to get through some work that I had before letting myself feel the small pinch of excitement and rush through to get my pulse. I had taken approximately ten minutes to get through everything that I was meant to do for the day and I was already rushing down the stairs when I received a call from my lover. I slowed my steps and took a deep breath to get myself on level ground before I picked up. I had expected his call but not at that moment. He was a routine person and his call wasn't due until after I was out of work. His text though was something I could look forward to constantly. I responded to the call trying to sound as sure as possible while walking down the steps. "Hello my love?"
"Babe something came up at work and I might not be able to keep in touch with you as I normally would but I will try not to make you feel lonely." The sincerity and good will that coated his words was something I could already believe. Delvin was the most loving and dedicated person I had ever met and hence why we had been able to date for six years. I smiled at the small gesture but more so on the fact that I would have uninterrupted time with my crush. I smiled before laughing it off and telling him that it was okay and we'd talk later when he left the office. He said his goodbye not neglecting to remind me of how much he loved me and I loved him too. After the conversation, I waited for a bit just to be sure he wouldn't call again before I started my way down again, this time my excitement doubling. I ran across the parking to his car getting into the passenger's side and rolling up the window before jumping into his arms for a nice warm hug. After less than a month of being friends, he was already feeling like a safe haven.
"Hey baby girl. Where are we headed?" He asked his arms still around me. I had no direction in mind but I knew one thing for sure. It didn't matter what direction we took, as long as I was with him. The serenity he brought to me was something that I had not anticipated but wanted to drink from it as much as possible.
Greedy? Pretty much.
Did I want to quit it? Not in this lifetime.
We found ourselves in a small quite hidden restaurant having sodas and waiting for our order to be brought out. The greenery in the area was so fascinating but more fascinating was how he was interested to get to know me. He delved deeper into all the topics with me and I was more than eager to share that part of me with him. He had made me his muse and I accepted this role with gratitude. I was enjoying myself and the conversations until the moment he launched a question that had me rearing in shock.
"Would you be a second wife?" It was shocking for two reasons. One my grandmother had severally warned against ever being a second wife. She had been married as the second woman into the family and she had had the life. She had been married to quite a well off man but she had suffered under the pressure that came with being chosen second. I remembered she had called us all, as her female grandchildren, just to warn us against that. Secondly, I had found myself in a position that I had not thought about any of that. For me it was fun. Besides it had been barely a month and he had asked one of the most sensitive questions in our kind of situation.
"Depends," That was my simple response.
"On what?" He asked as he pulled my seat closer to him and draped his hand over my shoulder his breath caressing my cheek. He made it hard to think and all I wanted was to be consumed by his intense masculine scent.
"Whether his feelings are as intense as mine." As if understanding what I meant, he placed his hand behind my neck and tilted my face till my lips were a hair away from his. He murmured something I did not hear before he kissed me so deeply that I almost forgot it was a public place we were in.
***
"You have to eat something." My mother's voice rang through my ears but sounded a bit further than it was. It had been a bit so hard coming to terms with what had happened. It had been weeks and I had yet to accept anything that had happened. I had found myself falling into the rescuing arms of my mother the moment I had woken up from my shock. It was still fresh in mind and I had not been able to sleep a wink since that time, even with enough alcohol in my system to kill a horse. All I could see in my dreams was his mangled body and the guilt that rested heavily in my chest for all the times I had just been unappreciative of him. My man, my anchor was no longer there and it hurt me more than I had imagined. Yes, there had been times that I had wished him away but not like that.
I could only imagine the pain he had been with before he gave up his breath. With how much his body had been torn apart and how far some of his parts had been from others, it was hard to ignore the image. The thing is I had not spoken to anyone since that time. I had not had the energy to do anything since that time. All I did was curl into a ball and stare into the wall hoping that this image would somehow disappear from my mind. I could barely even move from the position I was in.
I always claimed that I was my own person but the more I just thought about it the clearer it became to me that I was not. He was my beacon of light and without him it was as though I was groping in the dark. I couldn't do it. I was certain I had not thought of anything without him. I had not even had a fleeting thought of him not being in it. I closed my eyes trying to refocus but the only thing that was in my mind was just him.
"I'm not hungry mama," I submitted. I saw her from my peripheral vision and the shock on her face would have made me laugh if the situation was different. It was the first time I had spoken in the past weeks. I had not gone to work or done anything constructive. I had not even been back to our house since the way we had left that morning. I couldn't go back to the cold lifeless house where I had memories of our love all over. The fact that I had not gone back was an enough indicator that I needed more time before I could even claim healing and I was going to take as much as I needed.
My mother nodded with a sad smile before she closed the door to my room with a soft thud leaving me to my thoughts. It was the part I was most afraid of, yet it was the one that everyone thought I needed. I wanted to be out there being social and less antagonizing than I was being in the moment. I wanted to forget how it felt to be numb. I wanted something other than pain and sadness. I wanted nothing to do with all the emotions that I was feeling but everyone assumed I needed space to heal. They did not know how much the walls of my room mocked me every time I stared at them since I had come back home. Neither did they know that the silence sang the rhythm of guilt whenever I was alone. A sad sorrowful tune that reminded me of all of my shortcomings. It was anything but healing. The sound of my phone ringing for the first time in weeks pierced through the tunes on my room and I almost jumped out of my skin in fright. I checked the number and a sad smile came upon me as I picked it and spoke.
"Baby girl, are you okay?" The sound of his voice was like water to my soul reminding me of how much I had missed him even without realizing it. It slipped my mind that for weeks I had not heard from him. I remember him stopping the car and letting me go to check out what was happening that day. I remember him and his family in black for the burial. I still remember how he held me in front of his wife as I wept my gone love. I wet his suit that day, both with tears and the aid that the rain had provided. I still remember how the heavens had wept for Delvin just like I had. It was amazing and saddening at the same time. A poignant memory to behold. With all that in mind, the moment his voice hit my ear I just found myself wiping tears from my eyes that I didn't know were there already. I sniffled a little before I shifted my mind to try and answer him.
"Yeah," My voice was low as if I was losing it already. I had wanted to sound sure and steady when I said it. I had not wanted him to know just how broken I was in this moment. We had always had each other and our spouses now he had his and I did not have mine. What was I supposed to say to him yet he couldn't understand the magnitude of the pain I was feeling in the moment. He had never lost a lover to be able to understand it. I sighed as I waited for his response. I hoped he would buy it and just not call at all but the words that came through my phone speaker next had me shocked.
"I know you are not okay. Walk out and round the bend near your gate. I'm waiting for you baby girl." He said before he hung up the call and I found myself feeling all kind of mixed emotions. Admittedly it had been over a month since I left that house for anything yet here I was considering leaving it because of him. He had a way of making me do all the things he needed me to do and somehow this one did not feel right. I did not want to do it. It felt as though I was betraying my dead husband yet I found myself putting on a bra underneath my T-shirt and walking out of the door with my phone and pouch in my hand. I offered no explanation and thankfully no one dared ask where I was headed. My heart felt heavier with every step. The weight of betrayal felt like something I was not willing to keep carrying yet my perverse legs kept taking me towards his vehicle parked a few paces away from the gate.
I opened the passenger's side and let myself in. Taking my time to frown at the entire situation. My husband was only dead for about five weeks yet here I was spending time with the same person I had been with when he met his untimely demise. I could identify the feeling I was having in that moment. It was the same one that I had when one of siblings got punished for my errors. The same one I had whenever I was late to get home and Delvin threw the question of how I was working overtime. Oh Delvin! The guilt I was feeling was still familiar to me only this time he wasn't around and I couldn't offer him a smartass answer like I normally did. At that I felt my eyes burning with new unshed tears, as if I had not cried enough yet. I felt myself being pulled into the familiar comforting warmth.
"Oh baby girl, it's okay. Shhhh." He whispered as he rubbed my back not minding that his white T-shirt was being soiled by my tears and dirty face. I had barely showered or functioned like a normal human being for a while now. That didn't matter anymore as I focused on making sure that I got to the point where I could form a coherent statement to share with him. The more I tried the more I failed and the worse the sobs became. What made it even worse was how he was just patiently rubbing my back and whispering sweetly in my ear. He did not care that I smelt like the world had ended on me, neither did he care about the stink of my body basing my argument on the fact that I had not showered for several days. It was a while before I calmed down enough to actually pick myself up from his arms and looked at his shirt which had a stain on it.
"I'm sorry about your shirt." I whispered hoarsely using the back of my hand to swipe away whatever was remaining of my tears. I had not noticed it until I turned to him only to find him shirtless, his hairy chest muscled chest calling for my touch. I almost forgot my grief in the moment. I had forgotten just how much his hairy chest caught up with my silly hormones, especially because of how silky it was. I found myself, out of instinct, trying to reach up and caress him only to stop myself halfway there. What was I doing. I needed to get a grip over myself. I needed to mourn my husband properly and this was not the way to go.
"What's wrong baby girl. I ain't sexy anymore?" His voice sounded like many waters running over my ears but this time, it did not stop me from thinking about my husband and the many times he had used that to get me under him severally. I knew Ethan didn't mean it that way yet I found it hard not to associate it with how Delvin used it. Had used it. Somehow a fresh batch of tears started burning my eyes but at that moment I wasn't going to let it ruin me. I turned my face upward trapping my tears back into my eyes and sniffing. I tried laughing it off but it came out all teary and pathetic.
"I need a drink." I whispered hoping to prevent tears from streaming down my eyes. I focused on my hands that were playing on my lap. I couldn't look at him. Part of the reason as to why it was because in as much as I was mourning I was still very attracted to him and it didn't sit right with me. My guilt ridden brain and my treacherous body were singing two different tunes and I didn't know which one to dance to. I closed my eyes and leaned back as much as I could. I felt a soft touch to my cheek filled with warmth and care and a small smile came upon my lips before the car started driving off.