I miss you.
When I typed that text I had a lot of things in my mind one of them being the fact that it had been weeks with no contact with him. Just texts, plain and simple. It was a no contact season and therefore I meant it when I texted it. He had been avoiding me and I was certain I had done something wrong especially after I had gotten drunk with him the weekend that he had prepared that unique picnic for me. I felt as though I was going insane with how much I had not seen him.
I miss you too dear, but…
I focused more on the three dots than I should have. I could feel the impending doom even as I tried to hold on to my peace. So many times I had said that if he wanted to end it we could just end it no questions asked but at the same time it was so heart wrenching to sit helplessly in my office while I waited for him to break up with me. It was one thing to say it but it was another thing to actually experience it. I could almost physically feel the sound of my heart breaking. The stupid organ was just too helpless.
But what sweetheart?
Stupid me. I caught feelings, even with all those numerous warnings from all my friends. I should have known I was not immune to this issues as I thought I was. A seductress who was brought down by one man who was already taken. The dumb organ just had to forsake its primary function of pumping blood and decided to fall in love with a married man.
Someone will get hurt.
I had seen it coming. For crying out loud he had a whole wife and three kids. One who was barely three months old. It was stupid to think I stood a chance with him. I was caught between thinking that he would get hurt and I would get hurt. It was funny because the more I thought about it, the more I felt invincible when I was around him. It was obvious I was the one who would get hurt but the desperate recklessness of the feelings I had for him was more than enough to cause me to ask the most stupid of questions.
And who gets hurt?
Either one of us.
I felt pissed. How would he dare to claim that he would get hurt when all the time it was I that had invested most of my time and feelings in this situation ship? It was I that had a lot at stake here. Even if his wife caught him in that lie, I was ninety percent sure that she could forgive him and they would move on. My fiancé on the other hand would automatically sideline me for cheating on him. How then did he dare claim that he would hurt so much if shit went haywire? Unless he had some hidden feelings for me then there was no need to seem like he was feeling what I was feeling. Before I could react my phone vibrated again with another text from him.
Catching feelings with this type of thing is so possible so let's keep feelings at bay. Besides I have a lot at stake here including my someone and my babies.
I felt the insult rise up my throat as bile would to a person nearly throwing up but I swallowed it. I swallowed the emotions that were gathering bringing moisture to my eyes as well. There was no use crying over a married man who had no feelings for me. I felt cheated especially after all the sweet moments we had shared. I thought he had already caught feelings for me but turns out I was alone in this boat. I wanted to hate him for doing this to me but I couldn't. All I felt was my heart breaking into several small pieces as I kept thinking of ways to recover without my fiancé ever finding out.
I do not wish to compromise your fam. I understand the situation and I'm sorry for taking it too far. We will remain friends though. Right?
I had to physically take deep breaths to prevent myself from crying as I typed and sent that text. I was thankful that I was the only one in the office at that moment since I had no idea what I would have said because of the pain I was feeling. Telling him we could remain friends was a total lie since he was the one person I couldn't just be friends with. I was too far gone with him to just be friends and I knew automatically I was going to take quite desperate measures to try and get him back but none would work. I was sure he had made up his mind.
Very much so. Yes. ;)
The emoticon irked me badly.
***
Waking up to soft lips pecking my face was something my husband had made me get used to. They tickled a little and I squirmed in protest wanting a few more hours of the sweet sleep I was having. It was the most peaceful I had felt in a while. While the affection was welcome and appreciated my mind told me that he was wasting precious time that I could go back to sleep and have another amazing dream. I giggle slightly and rubbed my hand over my face to stop him from doing it any more. He was relentless however and kept on performing the act this time taking it down even to my neck.
"Just a few more minutes' baby," I whispered tiredly trying to get a hold of the blanket and cover my face with it but he would not let me. Instead I felt the warmth that had encompassed me being pulled away and I groaned in contention. I really needed like seven more hours of sleep but all I was asking him was a few hours. In a while though, I felt myself start to drift away to sleep regardless of the cold air that was biting through my skin. It was short lived however as I felt arms snake around me. His body provided the warmth I needed to fall back asleep again and I was drifting when he whispered in my ear.
"Baby girl we need to get going." He spoke gruffly and that had all my attention. That voice was not Delvin's. My eyes shot open and I was suddenly very much awake. I found myself questioning who I was and I turned so rapidly in my bed only to come face to face with a solid chest. It looked familiar with the hair and the scent that now wafted strongly into my nostrils. It was then that I realized I had been with my lover. I found myself relaxing slightly even as the feeling of loneliness found a way to creep into my heart.
I found myself lazily wondering why my husband had to die. Why he had to leave me a widow. We had had a steady life. We were even looking to have kids in the near future. I had been ready for that but it was as though he hadn't been. I mean he had run away from the responsibility, though not intentionally. He had left me in this world to fend for myself even though I felt inadequate to do that. I had barely functioned since that day and somehow my night with Ethan had woken me up with sweet memories of him. I hated it. I wanted to hate him for leaving me so much.
"It is okay to miss him baby girl. It is okay to be sad over him not being here," He spoke as if sensing my anguish. I hated that I loved how he made me feel so secured and loved even with the absence of my husband. He was still my safe haven even after years of being together. I knew I could never be his only and I envied his wife for having him all the time. I was however thankful that at the same time I had a piece of him that I could keep to myself, the comforting lover. I buried myself deeper into his warmth savoring the feeling of being loved.
"I thought being with you, I could forget him." I commented in hoarse voice. It hurt how much I couldn't forget him. He was no longer there, unless he existed as a ghost, yet somehow he haunted me terribly. He plagued my dreams and he made my life feel terribly miserable. I only had one reproach, my lover which he was not allowing me to be with peacefully.
"Baby girl, just because you are with me, and you love me, doesn't mean you will stop loving him. That is also regardless of the fact that he is no longer here. I am not him. There's a place he occupied in your heart that I may never be able to occupy and that is okay as well." His response served its purpose of validating my feelings in that moment. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and allowed myself to relax into his embrace.
It had been a few moments and I was beginning to feel comfortable when the vibrations of a phone jolted me back to my reality. I listened and I could tell that it was not my device based on the pattern of the vibrations. I felt him move and pick up the phone. With my head buried in his chest I could feel his voice rumbling from within him which caused a delicious shiver to run through my spine. I did not bother listening to the conversation because based on how he had received the call, I could tell it was his wife that he was speaking to. I did not want to intrude into their conversation. It was crazy that I was not even bothered by him talking to her while we were together. Somehow he had mastered the art of making us both feel appreciated. For the instance, he was rubbing small invisible circles on my back lazily while he spoke.
We stayed put long after his conversation with her ended but I knew it would be short lived since we had to go back to our hectic lives. The life where his wife knew I was just a business associate but his colleagues knew I was his other woman. The life where I was now jobless after a little over a month of not being at work and just mourning. The life where I couldn't hug him or see him whenever I liked because we were surrounded by constraints. A life where my reality of being widowed would hit me more than it should. I wanted just a few more minutes of this fantasy before I went back to the normal life. We both hated it but we had to tear ourselves apart from each other to get into the shower and get ready for the drive back home.
I was getting into my previous day's clothes when it suddenly hit me that I did not know where we were. We drove through the night and part of it was when I was asleep. I had no idea where I was. I walked to the small private balcony of the room he had gotten for us and looked out trying to see if I could figure out where we were. It could help knowing especially if my mother decided to call me and inquire of where I was. I needed to have a ready answer. My eyes were serenaded by the white sand on the beach and waves clashing against each other a distance off. I could not believe it. We had driven almost 360 miles to get to the coastal region from our home town. I felt a smile form on my face, and for the first time, quite a genuine one.
"Change into this," his voice sounded so commanding as opposed to the soft one that had spoken peace to me earlier. I turned around to find him holding a hanger that had a two-piece bath suit and a nice black shear dress. Being on the plump side of the scale meant that I was self-conscious of putting anything like that on. The thin line on his lips however told me that I had to do it because it would please him. I had seen it with Delvin constantly especially when I was feeling devastated with my body. They both just had a way of boosting my esteem.
I slowly stripped down out of the t-shirt that I had already put on, maintaining eye contact with him. I put a teasing smile on my face even as I dropped my panties. His face was stoic but his body's reaction told me all I needed to know. I felt heat rise to my face and I couldn't help but avert my eyes from his. I'd be damned if he didn't have this effect on me. Even though I wasn't looking at him I could feel his eyes on me while I put on his desired outfit. I felt conscious with all the love handles peeking out. The fact that he was watching me wasn't helping my case even for a little bit. Somehow I felt as though my boobs were falling out of the little thing. I couldn't wait to sit down and stop him from looking at me as much as I could tell he was. Once done I sat on the bed eyes still averted from him.
"It's been years and you are still so shy around me." He commented and I felt the bed tip on my side.
"Yet every day it becomes even more and more attractive for me. I keep asking myself why I wanted to break up with you that time when you are the sexiest human I've ever encountered." He added before he wrapped his arm around me and placed a kiss on my forehead. He had noticed it. He was the most observant person that I had ever encountered and he had noticed it. I leaned into his body wanting to feel the comfort he was giving. At that moment I asked myself the exact question he claimed he didn't have an answer to. The one thing that I had wanted him to tell me yet he had not told me. I had gotten confirmation in that moment that he just didn't know what to tell me. He didn't know why he had wanted us to break up.
I finally found the courage to look up into his eyes to see the swirls of emotions that were in them. Underneath the desire and the unearthed love there was something else, a little conflict that I couldn't tell why it had been there. I placed my lips on his as a gentle reminder that even after trying to get rid of me, I was still there.