I had expected a lot of things, but not a romantic office set up. I mean who would have thought that an office could be any fun? Apparently Ethan had and rightfully so with the layout that he had set just off the cameras view. The shock I had felt when I had walked in to that office was more than anything ever. I had been to his office before and therefore I knew where and how everything was situated but what I had not expected was an on the table picnic. He had apparently gotten all the tables in the room off the main office together and set up a nice picnic spot on top of them. The blanket and the throw pillows were just as enticing and it left just one question in mind. When had he had time to do all that?
According to company policies from both his and mine, we had work for half the day on Saturday which meant he had either sent his employees home earlier, or he had lied to me about the policy. None of those thoughts however dulled the shine of the day as I was already mesmerized by his silly way of coming up with dates. It was sweet and it touched me more than I could ever imagine. I walked up to him not caring that the camera was pointing straight at us, and put my arms around his neck in an appreciative hug. I could not find the words. Not even as he helped me to the top of our picnic spot, then sat next to me. I looked at him trying to read his eyes through his glasses but I couldn't get a clear view of his emotions. The fact that I wanted him terribly wasn't helping with my case.
"D'you ever take off your glasses?" I asked really out of curiosity because I had never seen him without his glasses before. Even when he kissed me, he always had them on. I was curious about it and it made me want to get to know him better, to get to know whether what I felt was one sided and the glasses and sweet kisses were just a decoy.
"Well I do." He took them off and pulled himself closer to me against the groaning of the table over our weight. For a moment I almost felt insecure and wanted to push myself off the damned table because I knew that I was the heavier one of the two of us. I was the reason the table was groaning but he did not give me the chance to as his lips grazed against mine reminding me of his presence.
"Except I have to be this close to see you." He clarified his eyes peering at mine in a sharp and penetrative way. It was one thing to handle the closeness but a whole other thing to handle his penetrative gaze. His eyes were a perfect pitch black so much so that I couldn't pin a difference between his pupil and iris. They seemed to merge into the same swirl of black. I couldn't hold his gaze. It felt as though he could see deep into the parts of my soul that I wasn't sure was even there to begin with. I picked up his glasses and handed them to him. It was better this way, without more complications from his black orbs.
***
" Can I suggest something crazy?" He asked while we drove away from the beauty parlor he had taken me to. To say I looked much better would have been an understatement basing my language on the fact that before that holistic transformation I almost looked like a spawn of Satan. Unkempt hair, weird clothes, sad face with chapped lips. He had gotten me a change of clothes while I was given a makeover by some of his friends that he had association with and I couldn't be more grateful. I felt much better as a human being at that moment than I had in weeks. I felt like I could smile for the first time in days. That and the daze from the sparkling wine that the attendant had given me to help me relax just served the purpose. I looked over at him wanting to decipher from his face what it was that he was going to ask me but he did not let me have it. His face was walled with nothing to show rather than a quick shift of his eyes from the road to me and the road again.
"Yeah," I answered, my voice no longer hoarse but instead a bit smooth, thanks to the bits of conversations I had had for the couple of hours I had been out of the house. I was curious as to what crazy thing he would have wanted to ask. Crazy could have been him wanting to have a picnic at work on top of tables. Or kissing me right in front of the CCTV cameras with full awareness that someone would watch the footage. Crazy could have been taking a ride in a general direction with no idea where we were headed. Crazy could have also been him wanting something with me even with full awareness that his wife was not going to approve of it if she ever found out. Crazy had a lot of meanings when it came to him and therefore I did not have an idea on what he meant this time around. I regarded him with curious eyes waiting for him to tell me what crazy he was thinking about. He patiently drove on before he parked on the side of the road. After the car came to a stop, he turned around and unbuckled his safety belt before he leaned across and placed his lips on mine with no warning.
"I missed you so much. Let's escape all this hustle and stress, just for tonight babe." I heard him whisper against my lips. It was a reckless statement made in the heat of the moment but it was one of those that made my heart melt a little. He kissed me so deeply that I almost forgot the tragedy in my hands. It was what I wanted though, to forget what happened. I focused on the firm lips that covered mine. The sweet taste from the chewing gum he had been chewing before while he was waiting for me coated my tongue. He grunted a little causing a shiver to run down my spine. He pulled back a little resting his forehead against mine.
"It feels like I can breathe again after a couple of weeks. Why have you been harassing me?" He asked softly his hand coming to cover my face and his fingers tracing the back of my head and neck. His words burnt a hole in my heart. It reminded me of Delvin and how much he insinuated I was just the oxygen he needed to survive. I almost laughed at that issue. If only it was funny. If only he were here to tell me that after Ethan dropped me home. If only I could hear him say it just one more time. But he had only said it one time the week he had died. I felt the familiar burn at the back of my eyes. I couldn't let it dampen the mood both figuratively and physically. I closed my eyes and brushed my lips against his. I was certain of one thing. I did not want to stare at the blank wall of my bedroom tonight. I did not want to keep overthinking about how I lost Delvin. I did not wish to have the nightmares, at least for one night.
"Please don't take me home tonight." I begged silently with my eyes still shut. I couldn't open them least my eyes would betray me and tell the tale of the pain I was feeling.
"I wouldn't dream of it," He whispered back, unbuckling my belt and pulling me close into his arms. His masculine arms engulfed my body making me feel minute against his warmth, even though I was a big girl. This felt like home, like comfort. It felt like hot cocoa in a cold day, or cold soda when the heat was soaring. I identified it from weeks ago as the feeling I had when Delvin had embraced me for the very last moment. I almost shed a tear at the memory but I had made the decision. I was going to be happy. I was going to enjoy my moment with my lover regardless of everything. I was going to get so drunk and wasted. I was going to let myself go. I was not going to feel. I had tried feeling and I was stuck without talking or eating and staring at the walls of my room. I was done with that. I didn't want any part of it. I stayed comfortably tucked in his chest breathing in and out deeply and taking my time to get accustomed. Slowly by slowly I felt myself getting swept away from the reality into a world of peaceful darkness.
**
"Why are you doing this to me babe? I thought you loved me and I was just enough but clearly I am not." The anger and frustration in his voice as well as his eyes was enough to tell me that it was hurting him so deeply. I could sense it even in the air. He was pissed. On my side was Ethan sitting calmly quite drunk and not even a worry in his mind with his hand drooped over my shoulder. When Ethan and I had gone drinking, we had used all the money that we had and at that time we had decided to raid the closest bank. The alcohol however was simply leaving my system as I realized we had walked into the bank that Delvin worked in. It was a terrible thing to happen yet there was something about the scenario that made it so funny. Maybe it was the alcohol or the fact that Delvin's anger face was funny.
"Come on babe, Ethan is just a nobody." I claimed quite bemused by how his face contorted. I found myself bursting out in laughter and Ethan followed quite closely with his. Yeap, the alcohol percentage was still a lot as I analyzed this matter. Ethan turned with me and slumped further into me in a drunken stupor. He laughed out before he echoed my words.
"I'm just a nobody. She's just trying to get me home from the club." He said before punctuating his sentence with a slight hiccup and a laugh. I joined him as I watched Delvin sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose. He was wondering what to do with me like he had many times before when I had been drunk or when I frustrated him. At that moment his face started slowly contorting and a part of it started becoming bloodied and it started scaring me as his body also started changing and all over sudden he was the standing version of the man I had seen that day during the accident, the body that I had identified at the morgue was now standing in front of me. I found myself pushing closer to Ethan feeling as though he was the safest option at that moment. I tried to open my mouth to say something but it felt as though it had been glued shut even as Delvin walked closer to where Ethan and I had been.
"I have not even started wasting away in my grave and here you are Lizza." The disappointment in his voice was enough to remind me just how much badly I was messing up. I felt a chill as his cold bloodied and broken arm came to touch my face and that was when I found my voice and screamed the one thing that I felt was the closest to me at the moment when his bruised fingers touched my face.
"ETHAN!"
**
" ETHAN!" My voice echoed the walls before I felt warm hands pull me close. I wanted to resist at first but the familiar cologne permeated my nose allowing me to use it to calm myself down. I held on as if my whole life depended on it. It depended on it. I buried my face into his chest taking deep breaths. I could hear his voice shushing me, urging me to stop weeping.
"I'm here baby. It was just a bad dream my love. Shush now sweetie." He spoke while rubbing my back, helping me get more in touch with reality. That was when I opened my eyes and noticed that I was no longer in his car. Instead it was a nicely groomed room, at least from what I could tell from the dimmed lights that were illuminating it. From a distance I could hear the sounds of soft music emanating from a place where I could not tell. I however found myself trying to focus on his deep dark eyes, this time not adorned with spectacles. I could see him trying to decipher what I was going through. Deep in his eyes I could also see the worry and pity that sat in them for me. I hated it. I hated that it felt as if he needed to comfort me out of pity and not out of our feelings for each other. I closed my eyes slightly trying to control myself.
"Your wife?" I asked him not wanting to imply any further. He smiled slightly pulling me closer to himself causing me to be flush against him. He looked at me still etched with concern but he decided not to ask. I was grateful for it, that he had chosen to understand that I was not ready to speak about it. He used one hand to run it over the skin on my cheek and that was when I noticed it. I was shivering and rightly so, not from the cold. I decided to dwell instead on the feel of his soft touch against my skin.
"She's aware that I'm away for some business right now." He whispered. His sharp eyes still tried to assess me so I decided it was time to take other measures. I brought my arm up to his neck and pulled him closer to myself. I placed my lips on his slightly before pulling back and mastering a small smile for him. I pulled myself as close as I could be as much as possible. I rested my forehead against his breathing in the air that he was breathing out. I felt too close, too comfortable with him. In that moment I felt desperate to get rid of all that was in my mind.
"Love me tonight until nothing is left in my mind except you." I requested and he sealed it with a kiss.