Making our way to the door, I could see the group of girls still lingering outside the cafe, just to the side of the door. They seemed occupied with a discussion in a circle, not one girl left out of it. I stole a glance at Aki, his eyes darting back and forth between the girls out the window and the door we closed in on. He seemed to be calculating.
"Get ready to run." He was smiling as if he was participating in a survival game. He was having fun, not worried about the situation he was creating. "To the right there's a side street. Turn right, my car is parked there."
The second he pushed the door open, we dashed. Our feet made matching sounds as they pounded the ground. I was only a pace behind him, running as fast as my fashion boots would allow. I was exhilarated, performing an escape move in the company of this man I was still starstruck by. I didn't know what to think as we reached the blue sports car I had taken notice of as I walked by the side street on the way to the cafe. Of course, it would belong to Aki, the frontman of Guardian. Somewhere along the way we had both began to laugh as we ran, and were laughing still as we sat down in the car. Aki started the engine, put the in car into gear, and pulled into the street in one swift movement. Our laughter slowly died but smiles remained on our faces as he drove.
I felt relaxed in his car, in his presence, maybe more than I thought I should have. He was still a complete stranger to me, having spent only a few hours with him. I was finally having fun, and it felt natural to be falling in step along this man. I wanted to know more and more about this man and the life he lived, and I wanted to continue to discover my place in it. Blindly, I allowed my curiosity to put me forward into it, almost entirely forgetting I had a different world to belong to.
Aki pulled the car into a small parking lot beside a forest trail. I knew the area well, and immediately recognized Nagoe hiking trail. It was a small area, an easy hike. "I rediscovered this place yesterday when I was heading home." He said to me, looking forward into the canopy of trees. "It's really beautiful here. I think I could find a lot of inspiration spending time here."
"I've spent my whole life in Kamakura." I told him, opening the car door. "I know these trails pretty well, so if you brought me here to kill me, think again."
He mocked a look like he had received an insult, slapping a hand over his heart. "I would never even think about it!"
We walked slowly, in no rush to make it to any particular destination, just enjoying each other's company, barely speaking a word. I watched him take in the scenery around him, the thick leaves, the bright green of late spring, and every now and then I would catch him closing his eyes and take a deep breath. As we came to the top of a ridge, he sat firmly on a bench strategically placed to overlook the city. I sat next to him, careful not sit too closely, realizing I was slightly out of breath from not only climbing the hill, but also from holding it in anticipation.
"I remember when I was young coming up here with my family." He said. "I remember complaining because the hike was long. Now I can experience this all with so much more gratitude."
I followed his gaze out over the city, where the beach was visible in the distance, and the rooftops of the houses were all uniform brown clay. We were facing the old part of the city with traditional houses that more often than not didn't age well, and their occupants were usually elderly and unable to upkeep them. I always imagined myself buying one when the original owner passed away, and passing the time renovating it on my own.
"You really look at the world so differently." I said, stealing a look toward him. His eyes were looking somewhere far away, so much farther than to the beach. "Is that what growing up in a band does to a person?"
He lowered his head, closing his eyes, and smiling. He leaned forward and braced himself with his elbows atop his knees. "it's my deepest kept secret. My band knows, and my mom knows." He subtly closed the space between us on the bench until our thighs touched. "Do you want to know?"
"Why would you tell me your deepest secret? Who am I?" I laughed, aching to be told something so personal about this man.
He turned his head to look at me, and his face was different. His features had softened, though he appeared to be happy still, I could see that his mind was suddenly quiet and focused. "We started Guardian when we were sixteen, just fooling around playing music together, not really expecting to get anywhere with it but hoping. That was also the time I met my high school sweetheart. I had pretty much dropped out of high school, I was only going to music classes. When we were eighteen, the band really took off suddenly. We were playing in clubs and bars, and we were gaining a lot of fans and support. We were able to make a living for ourselves. My girl though, she got sick. She fought for two years, and I was there every second of it when I wasn't on stage. She came to every show, and we sat her at the side of the stage in her wheelchair so she could see us play. The fans didn't know about her, and I acted like nothing happened at all, but I took care of her the whole time. She passed at twenty, that was four years ago. I took it as a sign that I needed to change my outlook about life and stop being so passive about things. Even at her worst, she would always look at what was positive about every situation, or what she could learn from it. I decided when she passed that I would continue to soak up all the enjoyment in life that I could, move a little slower so I wouldn't miss anything."
It occurred to me for the first time that this man had an entire lifetime that I didn't know anything about. That Aki from Guardian was only one part of him, and Hasegawa Akira was the main component that I was learning about. "I can't believe it, I'm so sorry." I commented on his story the only way I knew how, surprised to learn such an intimate detail about a man I hardly knew.
"It's quite the story." He agreed. "I wanted to tell you because the day we first met, being around you the whole day made me feel like there was hope for me. I haven't felt that way in a long time. You recognized me, sure, but you didn't act any different around me, you didn't care who I was. You treated me like I was a real person and not just an icon."
I smiled at the compliment. I hid my excitement well, I thought, when I was around him, of being in the presence of such a man. It was true that I looked at him as I would have any other man, but I was more curious about him, and I wasn't sure if it was admiration or attraction.
The sun was beginning to set, and the golden light was tossed around us, over the city we looked down upon. He turned his head to look at me with a sudden movement. "I'm sorry. You must need to get home, it's getting late."
I agreed, unsure of whether it was his way of ending our time together or showing genuine concern. The energy in the car as we drove the short distance to my apartment was calm, comforting, as if I belonged there, and I was perfectly content in it as I gave directions. Aki stopped the car in a designated spot outside the building as i instructed, and as soon as he shifted gears to park, I gathered my bag and reached for the door handle.
"Thank you for another enjoyable afternoon, Aki-san." I said.
He had a tired sort of smile on his face, and nodded in acknowledgement. "I had a good time." He leaned over attempting to look at the scale of the apartment building. "It's so dark in there, no one's lights are on. Is there no one waiting for you at home?"
I shook my head. "I live here alone. My parents moved overseas to expand my dad's business, but I had to stay here to finish school. They rent this apartment for me."
"That is admirable. You are an inspiration, Natsuko-san."
"Thank you. Good night, Aki-san."
I put my hand on the door handle, beginning to turn away from him. So quickly I didn't detect it, his fist was balled around my shirt collar, holding me in place. Our eyes met for a long moment, and I didn't move, too enticed about his reckless action. He used the grip he had on my collar to pull, and met me with a lean, smoothly placing us together in a kiss. Without letting loose his grip, we let our eyes meet again, searching each other for just a second before he tilted his head slightly to fit me better, and kissed me again, just a little longer. We parted a second time, staying close, my hand still on the car door handle, and searched each other's eyes again for some approval or denial. He had simply taken my first kiss, and I had so easily let him, trying to obviously give my approval.
"Come inside." I said. Somewhere in my consciousness I knew to say the words clearly and precisely so he would not misunderstand me. I could feel fireworks in my head, and the world around us sounded so quiet in comparison.
"What?" I could be sure he did not misunderstand the words I spoke, but did not believe the meaning of them.
"Come inside." I said again.
"No." He sounded cautious, as if he was being tested and didn't want to give a wrong answer.
"Do you want to?"
"Yes."
I laughed, purely enjoying the moment that brought me to this strange instant in time, in a car with a famous singer, inviting him into my apartment. I had absolutely no experience with that kind of thing, I didn't know how to talk to guys, or what they really wanted from a girl. I was aware of what I was offering to him by inviting him in, and I reasoned with myself that if it turned into a one night stand, at least it would be with a famous rockstar, and I would have a story tell for once in my life.I wasn't worried about a thing. I couldn't think of a single reason to feel anything but happiness in that moment. "Goodnight, Aki-san." I said, not wanting to put pressure on the offer at hand.
He removed his grip from my shirt collar, but instead let his hand wander up my neck, cradling the back of my head. He used the hand to pull me close to kiss me again, breathing in through his nose as he did so, involving more of his senses like an animal ready to hunt. "Wait." He said, releasing me entirely. "I'll come in."
I lead the way into the apartment, switching the kitchen light on and instinctively pressing the button on the water heater for tea. Aki walked past me slowly, looking around, taking in the sight of how a solitary high school girl lived. I took advantage of the moment to shrug my sweater off and smooth my hand over my hair to check if everything was in place.
"Make yourself at home." I said, peering around the corner into the living room where he had wandered. "I'll just pour the tea."
I felt his presence behind me in the room before I heard him wander back into it. I looked over my shoulder to see him slip his flannel shirt off and toss it over the back of the chair at the kitchen table. His black t-shirt was neat, fit him well, and the tattoos covering his arms were visible fully for the first time since I had met him. The black ink was stark against his skin, and the artwork seemed alive, able to breathe on its own.
"I have more." He said suddenly, smirking in my direction. I met his eyes and knew it was obvious I had been staring at him. "You want to see?"
The tone of his voice made it clear he was offering some kind of invitation that was more than just a glimpse into a part of his life that was new to me. He was complex, and in comparison I was rather straight forward. My hair was straight and black, my skin was clean, I had no double life to live. Who I was in school was the same as who I was at home, and in the street. I had no stage to stand upon, and no one to impress. It seemed that somehow, the only person I had to impress was already standing before me.
I handed him a cup filled with tea, nodding to answer his invitation. He outstretched his arms in front of him, turning them over and back so I could see the whole piece. "This is the dragon and the phoenix." He began. "They are two leaders of winged guardians and together they represent capabilities. This is where the name Guardian came from."
He paused a moment to gage my reaction. I was captive in his every word, captive in the moment. I felt as if the rest of the world didn't exist at the moment we were together, and no other person on earth deserved his presence more. "You want to see more?"
I nodded, and he turned his back to me, crossing his arms in front of himself and grabbing the hem of his t-shirt. He pulled it up his back and over his shoulders, revealing a piece that covered his entire back. "This is Buddha." He said. "He's sitting in a lotus flower, which symbolizes that he's reached enlightenment. I don't really believe in enlightenment in a typical way, but I think that if something happens to you that opens your eyes, that's it." He threw a look over his shoulder to me. "More?"
I nodded again. He pulled his t-shirt off fully and turned to face me, giving me a moment to look. I felt my heart beat a little faster as I let my eyes sweep over his body. A thick silver chain was around his neck, tucked into his shirt, and a small pendant hung from it halfway down his chest. Though thin, his build looked strong, and I could see each muscle defined well. "Boxing." He said, and I snapped my eyes back to his face. "Boxing builds serious muscle." He pointed to each side of his chest where matching flowers face each other across the expanse of him. "These are chrysanthemum. They represent balance and perfection." He pointed down his ribs on one side then other. "And these are dragon claws. They mean that the wearer has overcome something."
I was holding my tea cup with both hands, clutching it against my chest as if it would slow my heart. He took a few steps toward me, and though I realized for the first time that he was only a head taller than me, his presence closed in on me, as if the energy he carried with him had hands that could reach out and grab me. "If you still want to see more, I would have to take my pants off, but that's up to you now." He spoke in a less serious way, as if to ease my nerves. "And you have not said a word."
"I kind of didn't know you had tattoos." I said. He laughed with his breath. His smile was beautiful. "Aki-san, you live in a whole other world than I do. Yours has history, and is glamorous, and I have nothing to offer you. I live in this every-day life where I go to school and study for college entrance exams."
He shook his head, folding his arms across his body and I could almost hear him silently wonder if he should reach for his discarded t-shirt or not. "Believe it or not, Natsuko-san, you are more brave and admirable than you think. You live here alone, you go to school and take it seriously, you think about your future, you provide for yourself." He said. "You still allow yourself to have fun and get lost in enjoyment when you have it. That is really a perfectly balanced life. That is something I worked very hard to have, and it came to you easily."
Somehow he knew these things about me after spending only a little more than a day with me, indulging in only small talk. I knew he was right, and he saw through me directly into my steadfast soul. It was the reason his music had spoken so loudly into my ear, as I painted the memory of him singing and screaming to me on stage over the moment between us, I saw him so vividly singing about the exact qualities he described in me. Having him behind closed doors all to myself, I wanted to tell him everything about me. I wanted to show him everything about me, so he would have a reason to keep singing to me. I held onto the notion that if our two vastly different worlds could ever have a chance to collide, it was then, in that moment. I didn't want to let it pass me by.
"We haven't known each other very long, but like I told you earlier, being around you has reminded me that there is hope for me." He looked at me in a way I didn't recognize, that I had never been looked at in before. "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night and I realized it was because I came to really like you."
He closed the distance between us. He took the tea cup out of my hands and placed it on the counter behind me, laced my fingers with his own and used them to place one of my hands around his neck. The other he held in his own against his chest, and leaned his head down to place a kiss upon the back of my hand. I felt his body against mine, a comforting sort of closeness that reassured me. Under my fingertips, his skin was smooth and firm, as if his body was letting me know he was real, and I was meant to be in that moment with him. I let my breath draw in a little deeper, taking in the scent of his body.
"Somehow I feel like we're past any awkwardness here." He said, his voice low. I realized I hadn't spoken or moved, allowing myself to be completely captivated by this secret world he was suddenly letting me in on. "And there was some reason you asked me in, and it wasn't to see my tattoos."
The way he spoke was in search of something, not demanding or intimidating. He was as curious as I was, but all the person I was already existed all at once. I didn't have a new world to bring him into, and I didn't have secrets painted onto my body that told my story like he did. I felt like at any moment, I could wake up and the past two days would have all been a dream.
But my eyes fluttered open, and it was all still real. The dim light from the kitchen leaking into my room, the softness of the bed sheets under my skin, the warmth radiating from some other body beside me, close to me. I felt the heaviness of comfort in my joints, my bones, and I took a deep breath to sigh out my expression of the contentment and peace I felt.
I turned my head as I felt movement of the bed beside me, and watched as Aki shifted to his side to face me, propping his head on his open palm supported by his elbow. His face was soft, and I could almost touch the matching contentment I felt on his features, his eyes heavy but with a faint smile. It came to me in flashes all of a sudden; the recollection of the feeling of his hands on my body gripping tightly, a moment when he grabbed the silver pendant around his neck and tossed it to his back to prevent it from dangling in my face, the way his weight felt on me and the heat from his skin enveloped me, and the smell of his skin. I could recall needing more and more.
"You were asleep for two minutes, really." He said to me, his voice smooth cutting the silence easily, reading exactly what the expression on my face was searching for. "It's only 9:30."
"Did we really just do that?" I tried my sense of humour though I was partially asking for reassurance aloud.
"Yes." He said simply, smiling with just his lips in a beautiful way, seeming unwilling to take his gaze off of me.
"I thought you said you're not a rockstar to get girls." I tested him again, though entirely relying on my humour, I wondered what he would say. I wondered what it all meant to him and I was looking for guidance of which direction to think in, what, out of all the options, to prepare myself for.
He reached out a hand, slipping his fingertips around my neck and behind my head as he leaned over me, placing a gentle but intentional kiss upon me. I watched his face for as long as I could, seeing his eyes close, and I allowed myself to melt into him, though still illogical and unfamiliar. "Don't you dare think for a second that has anything to do with this. Did you only want to sleep with me because I'm a rockstar?" He said, looking into my eyes, making sure I was listening. I shook my head, not looking away from his eyes, wanting to show him the truth even though his tone was not accusatory. "This was fast and unlike me, but I'm here because of you, not because of me."
"I don't know what to think." With practiced movements, he arranged himself over me, pulling the bedsheet with him to cover his lower body. He supported himself on his forearms on both sides of my chest, careful not to pin my arms down. He reached under the sheet, letting his fingertips find my body and skim over my skin until he could hook his hand under my thigh. Though I was looking at his face, my mind's eye was entirely focused on his hand as I let him manipulate my leg to make room for his body. His every movement felt intentional, like he was completely at ease, and completely uncovered, he hadn't changed at all. I could be sure the person he had shown me was the entire person he was authentically as well.
"I don't know about you, but I'll tell you what I think." He said, settling his weight on me. I nodded, indicating that I wanted him to continue. "I think we should do this again."
I was intoxicated by the feeling of contentment, the rest of the world had long since melted away behind me and only he and I remained. Somewhere in the back of my head a tiny voice was still trying to tell me none of it was real, but my fingers touched his arms, slid easily over his skin, felt warmth telling me was really there with me. The scent of his skin radiated through the air so thickly I could barely breathe, but I felt I couldn't inhale deeply enough to ever be satisfied.
"I have school tomorrow." I said quickly. I watched his expression change from being as lost in the feeling of contentment as I was. He lifted himself with his shoulders as his eyes widened, a clear display of surprise.
"What kind of school?" He asked, his voice full of hesitation.
I smiled inwardly, catching on to the reason behind his sudden surprise and finding myself only slightly proud at the reaction I had witnessed. "I'm eighteen." He slumped into his shoulders again, dipping his head for a beat in an overdramatic expression of relief. "I told you I'm living here by myself to finish school."
"We got here before I had time to pry for more information." He leaned his head down to place a kiss on the tip of my nose. "Don't tell me," he began as he lowered his voice to a whisper. "That was your first time." I bit my lip to hold back another mischievous smile, staying silent. "Don't tell me."
"I'm not saying a word."
He laughed with his breath and I could feel his heartbeat pick up speed against me. "Let me stay the night." He said. "I'll drive you to school on my way back to work in the morning."
I shook my head. "No way I am pulling up to school in a rockstar's sports car."
"I'll walk with you, then."
"Deal." We were silent for a long time, at ease in each other's company, drinking in the heavy atmosphere. He rolled to his back and sank into the bed, and I watched his face as he fought to keep his eyes open. Hina and I would often stay at each other's houses overnight during study sessions, and we always slept in the same bed. Aki's body beside me was vastly different. The expanse of him felt large, heavy, like his presence alone was an anchor upon which I could root my suspension of disbelief. "Aki-san?"
Without missing a beat, he replied, "Do not ever call me Aki-san again. It's only Aki to you now." A childlike grin appeared on his face though his eyes were closed.
"Aki." I began again through a smile. "What now? You said you think we should do this again, but did you mean just this?"
He rolled to his side to face me again, his face serious. "I realize I may have suddenly become a presence in your life you weren't expecting. But I'd like to stay for at least a while."
As unsure as I had been of the reality of the situation leading to that moment, I was more unsure of the meaning of his words. Somehow, I felt my entire body aching to hear the exact words he spoke without realizing how badly I needed to hear them. It was a glimpse into my future that I hadn't planned and hadn't made room for, but had fantasized about for years. My desire to live in a different world that I couldn't touch, that only lived in magazines for me, that was only just a myth, had come to fruition with the sudden appearance of this man. I wanted to know what that world had for me, and if I had a place in it.
"I'd like you to stay."