My eyes fluttered open as sleep ended peacefully, and I was completely wrapped up in Aki's body. I was being cradled by both his arms, my face resting comfortably in the space under his chin between his collar bones where I was able to breathe in his scent. As my body began to stir, I realized our legs were entwined as well. I smiled to myself at the heaviness of his body in sleep, wondering if he was aware of how closely he held me, how long we had slept that way.
I felt his chest move away from my face, and I looked up to see him looking down at me. I caught an expression of surprise that faded into contentment quickly as our eyes met. "Good morning." He said, loosening his grip around me. "Were you comfortable?"
I rolled to my back away from his grasp and stretched my arms over my head and my feet toward the end of the bed. "Very comfortable." Somehow as the light of the morning leaked into the windows and the paper door from the hallway, I became hyper aware of being in a state of undress, and I tried to cover myself with the blanket.
Aki reached for the bedside table and retrieved his phone. "Sorry, I turned off the alarm since you didn't have to get up for school." He turned the screen to me, showing me the time. "It's only seven."
"Coffee." I said in response.
He nodded firmly. "Coffee." He agreed. "Are you ready to meet the rest of Guardian?"
I returned his firm nod. "As long as I only end up in bed with you."
Aki held my hand as we walked through the recording studio, the same maze of hallways and turns. Walking beside him with our fingers interlaced, I felt important. As we entered a room, the expanse of it opened in front of us, the whiteness counter balanced by dim lighting from one corner where a few people were gathered. One man turned at the sound of the door, and threw both his arms in the air as he started a swift walk toward us.
"Aki!" He grabbed Aki in a fierce embrace, slapping his back with one hand. Aki returned the embrace equally, and I was left being looked at by the man over Aki's shoulder. "Good to see you. I hate it when we're not on tour and we don't see each other every day." He held a hand out to me. "I'm Kota."
I took his hand and he shook it excitedly. I didn't have time to reply before Aki overlapped me. "Kota, this is the Natsuko I have been talking about."
Kota's voice grew loud with excitement at the acknowledgement of me. "The Natsuko-san!" With the hand that still held mine in a shake, he suddenly pulled me toward him, enveloping me in the same greet embrace that he had given to Aki. "It is very good to finally meet you."
"It's good to meet you, Kota-san." I said. "But I think Aki and I have only been together for two days."
"He has spoken about you every day as if you are the most important thing in the world to him." I glanced over to Aki, seeing him smiling like I always did. He walked toward the rest of the people gathered in the corner of the room where a dim light made the white backdrop of the room glow. Kota wrapped a friendly arm around my shoulders and invited me to walk with him. A few paces behind Aki, I was able to see his interactions with his band, how naturally he stood in his black denim jacket and ripped jeans like it was the only place in the world he actually belonged.
He looked over his shoulder to us. "I have to go to hair and makeup." He shouted so we could hear across the room. "Kota will keep you company, won't take long."
I looked to Kota still standing beside me, meeting his gaze as he looked toward me with a warm smile on his face. "Come on, we'll grab some tea and come right back so you don't miss watching him on set. He's something else."
I nodded, turning to walk with him. We exited the room, walked down only a few hallways, and came to a vending machine outside of a room with large windows in the double doors. Kota pressed a few buttons on the machine absently and handed me a bottle of hot tea. "I saw him at the Kamakura show when you first came back from tour. I was mesmerized by his performance. All of you, really." I began to explain. "The next day I met him randomly in the street near the shrine."
"I hear you've experienced his performances in closer quarters as well." Kota gave me a knowing glance as we began to walk slowly back to the room. "Don't be surprised, Aki tells me everything. He and I were friends before we met everyone else. That was a long time ago. It's a big deal for Aki to offer himself up to someone like that though, that's why he told me."
"You must be who he's talking to on the phone every night."
"None other." He held his tea up in a silent cheers to the empty hallway in front of him. "Natsuko-san, I don't know what you did, but Aki is a changed man. He's always been a glass half full kind of person, but he hit a challenging part of his life and he had to try really hard to continue looking on the bright side. He got kind of hopeless."
I nodded, looking into the top of my bottle of tea, unsure of what I would find there. "He told me that he felt like I gave him hope again. I wasn't really sure what that meant."
I was startled by Kota's hand suddenly atop my shoulder in a comforting sort of pat. "You're lucky, Natsuko-san." He said. His voice had a solemn kind of tone. "I hope he means as much to you as you do to him."
Kota walked me back into the room, and lead me to where the group of people gathered around a brightly lit white backdrop. A large camera was set up on a tripod, a thick bunch of cables ran across the floor behind it to a small table where a laptop was set up. Towering overhead were black boxes with light streaming from them, illuminating the white of the backdrop. As I surveyed the scene before me, a familiar figure stepped out of nowhere onto the setup. He was as I witnessed him the very first time I laid my eyes upon him, and I was instantly stunned to see him moving and breathing in front of me. My mind wanted to show me stills from my memory with him, to remind me that he was the very man I had slept beside the past two nights, but I pushed it down. I wanted to see all of him in the moment before me as he was, dressed in his ripped black t-shirt, glitter coated black jeans, his hair a carefully placed mess, and black makeup accenting his eyes. He wore a serious expression on his face and in his body language, as if this version of Aki was a character that he portrayed on stage, but his quick witted, natural personality shone through. I watched from the corner behind the camera as he posed on the set, taking control of it, using it to its full capacity. Watching him had me captive, brought me back to the night I was looking up at him on stage as he screamed his soul into the audience. I felt desperate to drink every ounce of his image in.
"That's a wrap, Aki, good work as always." The man operating the camera spoke loudly. He stepped out from behind the camera and nodded a bow to Aki's direction, which was returned.
"Thank you as always." Aki replied routinely.
He looked for me in the shadows of the set and as his gaze settled upon me, his face brightened. His smile suddenly became familiar, shining through the character he had become on set. He waved his hand in a gesture telling me to come to him, and he retrieved his phone. "Take some pictures with me." He said, hushed but excited.
We danced around the white set together, changing poses so Aki could snap a picture, then changing poses again quickly. We moved together as if he was trying to capture every second, creating proof that we existed in that moment in time. I got lost in it with him, forgetting about the makeup he wore, his stage clothes that still smelled slightly like sweat, and experienced being on a set with a rockstar who I also happened to call 'boyfriend'. As he held up peace signs to the camera, smiled his familiar smile, he shone through the character so authentically, and I realized it was not a character at all. Just an outward expression of his deep soul.
"Aki, get off my set." An over exaggerated voice came from a man walking toward us in the same state of dress as Aki. I recognized seeing him on stage.
Aki turned to me, holding an open palm in the man's direction. "This is Fuji. He plays drums. Fuji, this is Natsuko."
"I have heard a lot about you, but from Kota, not from Aki, so I don't know how much I've heard is true." Fuji said, offering his hand and lowering his head in a polite bow. I matched his actions, taking his hand to accept his greeting. "Aki, we should all go to eat later tonight. We all want to get to know Natsuko-san."
I nodded in approval at the request, smiling to myself at the chance to be accepted into the tight knit family of Guardian. "I would love to get to know you all as well." I said.
"We'll be out today, so just give me a call with the time and place. We'll be there." Aki chimed in, then turned his attention back to me. "Let me wash my face, and we can get out of here."
I sat outside the dressing room waiting, and reached into my pocket to check my phone for messages. A message from Aki flashed on the screen, filled with a list of attachments. He had sent me all the photos he had taken of us together on the set, and I scrolled through fondly looking at each one. I came to stop at one photo, and I barely recognized myself. There I was, seeing myself with such a genuine smile on my face, so large it had forced my eyes to close, as Aki was frozen in the moment kissing my cheek. He was smiling into the kiss, his eyes closed as well, and though he was unmistakably Aki from Guardian in his stage clothes and makeup, the Aki I knew outside of the band was present as well. I forwarded the photo to Hina.
Aki came out of the dressing room quickly, his face clean, but his hair still sprayed up and coloured red at the tips of each little spike. "I can't do anything about this until I get home and shower." He said slightly regretful, as if he knew exactly what I was looking at. "I apologize in advance if it gets me recognized."
"If it does, how will you explain being with me?"
He sat in the empty chair beside me, leaning back and crossing an ankle over a knee. "The more people find out, see us together, hear other people talking, it will come out. When, I'm not sure. I don't have to really say anything about things like this for fans and interviews to start asking and speculating." He glanced to me as if to make sure I was listening. "It's up to you whether we let it go or whether I announce it."
I leaned away from him in surprise. "That's a lot of responsibility."
"So we'll let it go. But if anyone asks or speculates, I won't deny it."
"You want everyone to know, don't you?"
He looked at me hard, his gaze searching me. "I do."
I returned his gaze just as hard, unsure what he was searching for in me but trying not to resist. "It's only been two days though. Don't you want to wait and make sure things work out?"
"Even if we break up tomorrow, they will have been the best two days of my life and I will talk about them until the day I die."
I laughed at his remark, partly because it was a tall claim for something we had experienced for such a short amount of time, and partly because I believed he was being truthful in it. "You sound like you're asking me to marry you."
"Well not yet." He reached to grab the collar of my shirt as he seemed to like to, and I let him use the grip to pull me close, meeting his kiss. "But if all goes well it won't be long before I do."
My phone lit up in my hand, Hina's name on the screen. I flipped it open, allowing the distraction, and read the message, a reply to the photo I forwarded to her with no context. "I actually screamed! When can I meet him?" The message said. It was signed from Hina-chan with multiple hearts. I hit the reply button. "I'll be home tonight after dinner, can you come? I'll let you know when."
Aki broke my concentration on my phone. "What do you want to do today? We have the whole day."
"This might be my last free day for two weeks." I said. "Entrance exams are coming up, so I need to do a lot of studying and go to all the practice lessons."
Aki nodded firmly. "We better make the best of today together then." He paused, clearly thinking of something. "Can I still come over at night?"
I laughed, not expecting him to make the comment. "Yes, I hope you do."
We spent the day casually strolling up and down Komachi-dori, and although I had been on the shopping street more times than I could count, walking there beside Aki, my fingers laced with his, the shops took on a new light and charm, as if I was seeing them all for the first time. Aki seemed to enjoy the practice of Aru-tabe, walking with some kind of food or drink in hand, which was a more and more common practice on the traditional streets of Kamakura, but Aki leaned toward being the rebel in a crowd. He was excited to carry one drink after another, obtaining a small portion of finger food here and there at the stalls. As we walked, a few fans came out of the crowd to say hello to Aki, but he offered nothing more than a passing greeting, polite but dismissive.
Two girls managed to stop him from completely dismissing their greeting, and he was obliged to talk to them, but openly enjoyed the conversation. I stood back a few paces from them, trying not to intrude with my presence, letting the girls experience a moment.
"Aki-san, we saw the homecoming Guardian show, it was amazing." One of the girls said excitedly, clasping both hands together under her chin in a cute sort of gesture.
"Aki-san," the other girl began, but her glances continuously travelled to me standing back, holding Aki's coffee. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Aki's smile shone as he looked to my direction, careful to purposefully meet my eyes as a demonstration. "Yes, I do." He said to the girls, still looking at me. "She makes me very happy." He spoke to the girls gently, as if talking to a pair of children. They giggled, giddy at the chance to talk to him, thanked him for stopping, and walked in the opposite direction.
As he rejoined me and we continued to walk slowly, I couldn't help but hold a smile on my face. Aki grabbed my hand again and with the other he took his cup back, taking a sip out of it and handing it back to me, matching my shy smile. "I told you, news travels fast, and I won't deny it."
Dusk had began to settle in, the sky darkening quickly, and I walked slightly closer to Aki as we wove through the small side streets to the restaurant to meet the band. Aki moved the entry way curtain aside for me but slowed his pace to scan the room for waving. Three slightly out of place men were crowded in a corner table at the back of the small restaurant, their bleached and coloured hair standing out amongst their black denim and wallet chains. As we approached, they shuffled to make room for us, and we sat down seamlessly side by side, Aki still holding my hand, resting atop his thigh under the table.
"Natsuko, you know Kota and Fuji." Aki said, motioning to them. "And you didn't meet Hiro earlier. He plays bass." Hiro, the man unfamiliar to me, held up a hand and nodded in recognition.
"We already ordered a bunch of food." Kota said. He slapped his hands together and rapidly rubbed them, indicating he had something to talk about. "So, let's talk business. Our manager has the dates for the new album release, which means we might be working overtime to finish the recordings."
I was quiet most of the time we spent in the restaurant, but I was intrigued by how the four of them spoke to each other about the business of making music and living by it. I felt like a spy, on the inside of the most intimate conversations of the band, but Aki squeezing my hand reminded me that I was becoming a member of the family.
We walked out together in single file, gathering in a semi circle beside the restaurant's entrance to face each other. "See everyone tomorrow at the studio." Aki said with a nod to each of them. The other three each returned the salutation and parted the group in separate directions.
The night had a slight chill in the air, and Aki wrapped an arm around my shoulders, holding me tightly against his body as we walked back to the car. "I'll take you home." He said. "I suspect you need a good sleep tonight, I know you're back to studying hard tomorrow, and I'm back to working hard. You heard Kota."
I nodded. I hadn't expected to be so lucky as to spend three nights in a row together so soon, but at the same time I dreaded having to sleep without him. He had so quickly become a source of comfort and safety even though I felt like I still hardly knew him, and it had been so easy to get used to. "My best friend Hina-chan is meeting me at home to study before the practice exams tomorrow. We have three."
Aki pulled the car into the parking spot outside my apartment building, and I could see Hina lingering outside the front entrance waiting obediently. We had arrived right on time, she couldn't have been waiting long.
"That's my friend Hina-chan." I said to Aki, pointing out the window to her shadowed figure. She seemed to notice the car, but waited patiently. "I'd like you to meet her some time."
He leaned over the centre console to peer out the window where I pointed. "No time like the present." He said, preparing to get out of the car.
As we walked toward the entrance, I began to wave over my head. "Hina-chan!" I called to her, and she began to wave back. "Thank you for coming."
We closed the distance and Hina gathered me in a quick but tight embrace. "I missed you, Natsu-chan! I hate exam time, we don't see each other every day."
Aki laughed with his breath from a step behind me. "Sounds like someone I know." He remarked.
"Hina-chan, this is Aki."
Hina reached over me to take Aki's outstretched hand, and they nodded a bow to each other almost in unison. "Hasegawa Akira, nice to meet you."
"Hasegawa-san, it's very nice to meet you." She said. "I can see my Natsu-chan is very happy with you. I hope you continue to take good care of her. And, I am a huge fan of Guardian."
Aki nodded firmly. "I absolutely will. And, thank you very much for your support." He turned to me, releasing Hina's hand. "I'll see you tomorrow. Call me any time, text me lots." He leaned down to kiss me quickly, withdrew and walked back toward the car with a wave, leaving Hina and I standing there. I smiled back at him and waved.
"Okay." Hina linked my arm as we turned toward the entrance way to my apartment and began to walk. "Tell me everything."
We sat at the small table in the kitchen with our class books open, but we simply talked late into the night, not even glancing at the pages in front of us. I retold the past two days I had spent with Aki to her, and she was glued to my every word.
When we started to run out of things to say, Hina began to yawn and lean back in her chair to stretch. "Natsu-chan, you've been living a dream the past couple days. I can't believe it. To think if I never handed you that poster and asked you to come to the concert."
I shook my head. "It would have happened anyway." I said. "I wasn't looking for him, he found me. I just followed your advice to go to the shrine after brunch that day."
She let her arms fall back by her sides tiredly from her stretch and flipped her book closed. "Time for bed. I'm staying here, I'm too tired." She took up residency in the bathroom to prepare to go to bed, as I smiled after her, already assuming she would spend the night.
I looked at my phone, the time reading midnight, and I flipped it open to write a message to Aki. "Hina and I are going to bed, good night! I hope you sleep well."
I closed the phone, climbing onto my bed to stare at the ceiling and wait for my turn in the bathroom. Only seconds had passed after I sent the message, and my phone began to vibrate where I had placed it on my chest with a call.
I looked at the caller ID, Hasegawa Akira, and was somehow surprised all over again as I pictured him in his stage clothes and makeup in association with his name. "Aki?" I answered the call.
"Natsu." He said. His voice was low and deep, at a soothing tone fitting for a night time call. I smiled at how he had called me 'Natsu', brimming with joy at the realization that we were Summer and Autumn. "I don't generally sleep well, but thank you."
I recalled each time we had spent the night together, he was awake more often than not, even if I woke during the night to find him still beside me, there was only one time I could recall that I saw him sleeping. "Why don't you sleep well?"
"Artist brain, I think." He replied. "It never stops working. I'm always thinking."
"You're deep, Hasegawa-san." I made my voice flat and serious, attempting to make him laugh, and I smiled through it, clearly evident in how I spoke.
He laughed anyway, my desired outcome. "Tell me that next time we're in bed together." I bit my lip almost involuntarily at his comment, the sound of his voice so smooth was entrancing. "Sugumori-san, get to sleep." His voice suddenly changed into the joking, childish tone I was used to hearing. "You have school in the morning."
"Yes sir." I said, as Hina came out of the bathroom. She made eye contact, and the expression on her face was almost embarrassed, as if she had walked in on a private conversation. "Good night, Aki."
"Good night, Natsu."
I closed my phone and placed it on the bedside table, checking one more time for the alarm, and Hina rolled heavily onto the bed. "He seems to be totally in love with you." She said.
We lay side by side staring at the ceiling. "It feels that way, even when I'm not with him."
"Are you totally in love with him too?"
I closed my eyes, smiling to myself for a moment, recalling how it felt. "Yes, it's safe to say I am."
"I'm happy for you, Natsu-chan. You deserve a sweet person like him."
I knew she was genuine in her comment, but I knew she was also expressing regret directed outward to the universe on my behalf for my past experience. At the time, that's all it was - my past. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind, replacing them instead with memories together with Aki, and let myself drift to sleep.
I woke with my alarm and the simultaneous sound of an incoming message. Sleepily, I blinked my eyes into focus and as I stared at the screen. Hina beside me snored loudly, not budging at the sound of the alarm. I reached over and shook her shoulder. "Hina-chan, wake up, we have to get ready for school."
I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, and tried again to focus on the message. "Good morning, Natsu." It was followed by pictures of a happy face and a heart. "I'm recording today, but I'm coming over after. I'll bring dinner!"
I replied to the message. "I'd like to see you record, is that allowed?"
I waited, knowing the reply would come almost instantly. "Of course! Will be at the same address. Come any time."
By the time classes were finished, my head was swimming. My mind was darting back and forth, running over every practice question, recalling every answer I gave, second guessing myself now long too late, and celebrating the fact that it was over. I had never felt so conflicted. As full as my head was, I could barely recall the walk to the recording studio, and as I approached the building I searched for my phone to send Aki a message letting him know I had arrived. The inside of the studio was a maze, and I knew I couldn't reply on my memory to lead me to the correct room in such a state.
"Hey! Natsuko-san!" Just as I flipped open my phone I heard a familiar voice calling, and looked up to see Kota on the sidewalk in front of the building's entryway with a cigarette in hand. "Did you come to see Aki recording? He's in right now, I'll show you."
"Good luck, I was just about to send him a message because I knew I wouldn't be able to find my way. I would have missed it if I had to wait for him to answer." I laughed at myself.
Kota lead me to a divided room, holding my shoulders to steer me into place in front of a massive panel of switches and buttons. Music was blasting into the room, and Kota sat me in a free chair to watch the technician as he pressed a button or turned a knob here and there. After a few bars of the music played, a voice began to fill the room, and I looked up to see Aki through a window that filled the space above the panel. He was wearing large black headphones that covered his ears completely, facing a microphone on an arm pulled out far into the space. His voice began singing, smooth and deep, but switched to an animalistic scream at a moment's notice. Both sounds were natural and tuned to perfection, easy to listen to, and I was captivated witnessing his skill. As I watched him so effortlessly belt his lyrics into the room, I felt my skin crawl, and recognized admiration. More and more of his exclusive world was open to me, and as I became more and more a part of it I pieced together exactly how vast it was, how big of a person he really was, and what I was allowed to see behind closed doors was only the tiniest portion of him even as he bore everything to me.
"Perfect, Aki, that's a wrap for today. Have a lozenge, will you?" The technician beside me spoke into a microphone.
I could see Aki laugh, though I couldn't hear any more sound in the room. He turned his head toward the window to give a thumbs up to the technician, and his eyes widened when he saw me in the chair beside him. I held up a hand and timidly waved with my fingers, smiling lightly. He swiftly took the headphones off and exited the room, almost immediately coming through the door to meet me as I stood to greet him. He seamlessly pushed my arms up to his shoulders and grabbed my waist tightly, lifted me slightly from the ground as he spoke into my ear. "I'm so happy you made it to see me." He said. He released me slowly, still with his hands on me. He was wearing a simple black pullover sweater with a hood, fitting one size too big, but somehow he made it look stylish. His bleached hair was laying smoothly in layers, tidy and clean with natural bends here and there. "How long have you been here?"
"I saw the whole song." I said. "You were amazing." I matched his gaze into my eyes, looking at him with as much sincerity as I could.
"Well you heard him, I'm done for the day. I practice a lot beforehand, I never spend too long in the booth." He sounded proud of himself, acknowledging that he had a successful workday. "We recorded three whole songs today, I'm starving. Let's get dinner."