It was late in the afternoon and the sun had lost its intensity, but the sky remained bright, and the spring humidity lingered. Aki held my hand tightly as we walked slowly in the downtown street, studying the small traditional style restaurants with their linen curtains in the doorways and sandwich board menus on the sidewalks. It was strange to me to walk side by side with him in such a relaxed way, and every time I stole a glance at him it reminded me of how peaceful his energy was, allowing me to see him fully with his guard down. I began to recognize that the way I looked at him was with desire, a desire to experience him and be closer to him.
"How about here?" He pointed to a menu board.
I looked quickly, but began to nod in agreement even before I took anything in. "It looks good."
He turned his attention to me, as if he had already caught on that I had been paying no attention to choosing dinner, and was distracted instead by something else. "Are you sure?" I met his gaze and nodded firmly, knowing it was too late and he had already seen right through me. "Ah. You're nervous." He smiled like he was amused, pulling me close into an embrace and gently rocked his weight from side to side. I fit so well against him, and I buried my face between his neck and shoulder, into the folds of the hood on his sweater. I could breathe in his unmistakable scent, and his sweater held a lingering smell of cigarette. "We don't have to spend the night together if you don't want to." He said. "We can eat dinner in the restaurant and I can take you home. But I promise I don't have any agenda for tonight, if that's what you're nervous about."
The thought of spending another night alone in my bed without him was almost unbearable. How quickly I had become addicted to the feeling of his form beside me, how he held me in his arms as if I was precious. I shook my head against him, tightening my arms around his waist. "I want to spend the night with you."
"We're moving fast, I know." He said, still holding me firmly against him with his hands on my back. "I feel so comfortable with you though, it's easy to forget we haven't really known each other very long."
I nodded in agreement, lifting myself from him to look at his face. I began to feel like it was a conversation we should have been having while looking at each other at least. That was just another sign of how close we had become in such a short amount of time, the feeling of confessing without even bothering to face each other. "I feel safe with you. You make it easy to feel comfortable."
"This is something you've said before." He said, his expression changing into curiosity. "I think before long you'll be telling me a story about why." He didn't let me say anything more, and instead ducked into the restaurant to order dinner.
Aki carried a large bag consisting of containers of food, and I wondered what he had ordered. I followed him through the cooler isle of the convenience store, the fingers of his other hand laced with mine still as he reached back for me and I reach forward for him. Watching him a pace in front of me, his black sweater covered the vastness of his back, and I could see a silver wallet chain hanging below the hem, swinging as he stepped against his worn jeans. He stopped in front of a cooler door and glanced down at our hands. "I need that for a second." He said. "But you can have it right back."
I laughed a little and let go so he could take two bottles of strong tea from the cooler. As he stepped up to the register, I reached to take the bag of food from him with both hands. He looked surprised as he realized I was offering help so he could have both hands free at the counter. He thanked me and leaned down to place a kiss quickly on my forehead. I felt like my entire body flushed red as the register clerk watched our interaction, likely assessing why I had a swollen lip. I felt like my ears were so hot I couldn't hear any of the interaction between Aki and the clerk, and I just watched as he slid a few bills across the counter and was handed a package of cigarettes.
We had slid open the balcony door as far as it could go, and sat on the floor, spreading out the different containers of food. Aki had chosen a traditional meal set for two and we picked at each of the dishes while we talked about nothing in particular and laughed together. It struck me as far too normal a thing to be doing with a rockstar.
Longer into the night, the outside was black with darkness, the bathroom light in my small apartment casting a moody warm glow into the bedroom. Aki lay his head atop my chest for the count of a few deep breaths before propping himself on his elbows, shaking his head to rid his face of a few sweaty tendrils of hair. He pushed one hand under me, cradling the back of my shoulder, and used the other to tap my knee with a constricted expression on his face. I realized my knees were still tightly squeezing him between them and immediately relaxed my legs, letting them simply drape over his hips.
"Sorry." I said, finding the back of his arms with my fingertips, sliding them upward to hook around the tops of his shoulders to match his grip. "I think I was also supposed to tell you something about 'deep', Hasegawa-san."
He laughed one syllable, sounding as though he was taken aback by my comment. "Did you enjoy me anyway?" I nodded firmly. "I get the feeling though, you still don't really trust me." He looked at me, studying my face, giving me time to react to his accusation. "Or is it that you're still getting used to being in bed with a rockstar?"
I took a deep breath, my fingertips on his shoulders tightening into a grip. "I won't deny I'm still not completely used to this, and baring it all to a guy is still kind of intimidating." I began, not trying to make any excuses. "I do trust you, you've given me no reason not to, and if I didn't think I could trust you, this never would have happened."
"I'm glad to hear that. Both that you trust me, and that you wouldn't have let me do anything you weren't ready for." His voice became low and smooth again, as if he knew exactly how to use it as a tool for creating a peaceful atmosphere.
"But also," I continued. "I had an experience that really hurt me, and it made me not really want to trust anyone again."
He slid one hand out from under my back, using it to rest his head on. "Tell me." He said, his voice still full of peace and calm, not demanding at all, but rather allowing me the space to tell my story if I wanted to.
"When I was sixteen, my parents went abroad. So I stayed here to finish school, and I've been living in this apartment ever since. At that time, Hina-chan wasn't my best friend, and I was trying to fit in with a girl like Sato-san and her group. She got me into going to Host Clubs. We would take the train two hours into Tokyo every Friday night to go to a Host Club and end up staying all night into Saturday because we would miss the last train. Usually four of us would go together, sometimes a few others would join us. We had fake IDs, since we were all underage, and they were always accepted but one of us would always have to leave a deposit. I think they always knew our IDs were fake, but they were making sure we could pay the bill. One of our trips, we were all inside the Club for a few hours, and I went to use the bathroom. When I got back to our table, they were gone. The Host who was entertaining us told me they left, but they would be right back, they just went outside to sober up a little. Up until this point, I had never had a bad experience with them, so I believed what he said. After a while, I knew they weren't coming back, and I told the Host I would pay the bill for the table and leave. I paid 50,000 yen and I tried to leave. The Host told me that my friend had mentioned that I had said I wanted to get a hotel room with him, and he wouldn't let me leave. I tried to tell him that wasn't true, I had never said that. Eventually, he made me leave with him, and we were walking down the street to a love hotel that was just a few buildings away, and I managed to run. I spent the rest of the night running away from him and hiding in Kabukicho until five in the morning on Saturday when the trains started running again. And he chased me the whole time, clearly really expecting me to go to the hotel with him and getting ready to force me to if he caught me. On Sunday when I went back to school, those girls didn't talk to me at all, and still haven't to this day. And that week I went without anything but rice because I had spent all the money my parents sent on the bill they left me with."
Aki listened without taking his eyes from my face while I told the story, and I could see he was absorbing every detail. "So not only did your friends betray and abandon you, but also a man showed you the worst possible side of himself and gave you the impression all men are probably like that."
I nodded at his conclusion. "Yes, but when I first spent time with you, I could tell you were nothing like that. Spending time with you when we first met, I could tell you were just enjoying yourself and not expecting anything."
"It seems we both have something we've been able to heal in each other." He leaned his head down to kiss me, and I instinctively lifted my chin to meet him. "My legs are asleep."
He rolled away from me as I smiled after him, and he retrieved his jeans from the floor near the bed. I watched as he held them up by the waistband, giving them a quick tussle before putting them on without anything else, and pushing his hand into the back pocket as he walked to the balcony door. Outside, he lit a cigarette and turned around to face me, leaning on the railing and crossing his ankles.
"How did your practice exams go, by the way?" He asked through the open door.
I sat up in bed, taking the sheet with me to cover myself, and drew my knees to my chest. "I got 100 percent in all three of them. Easy."
"Amazing." His comment was not surprised, but casual, as if he expected nothing less.
"And, the practice exams are more difficult than the real entrance exams to make sure we're really ready for them."
He took a long drag from the cigarette, exhaled slowly looking out over the railing, and flicked the rest of the cigarette away. Discarding his jeans, he climbed back into bed and I moved to make room for him next to me again. "Have you thought about what university you want to go to?"
I shook my head. "I applied to a few different ones, but I don't even really know what I want to study. I've spent my whole life here, and people who spend their whole lives here tend to end up doing something mundane. I always thought about going to a university somewhere else, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't know what I want to do."
He nodded in a knowing kind of way, agreeing with my sentiment. "We're going to be home for a while now to work on this album, but we tour a lot. We travel all over Japan, sometimes for months at a time." He paused, partly to make sure I was listening, and partly because he seemed to have trouble finding the words for the next part of what he wanted to say. "What do you think? You're absolutely welcome to come with us. But I think that's not going to be possible if you're studying."
I supposed it was a situation that we would have to discuss, and it would be made easier to part early on in a relationship if we didn't agree on the circumstances that his work presented. "Maybe I won't always be able to join you, but sometimes I think I would be able to, and I like the thought of travelling with you."
He smiled, but looked as if he was also holding back much more happiness that he was allowing himself to show. He hoped I would give an answer like that. "If you weren't able to come, you know I would call you every day."
"Why are you asking all this now?" I wondered out loud, but I had a good idea of what his answer was going to be.
"I told you before, my world is challenging. I'm away on tour, I work long hours recording, I get recognized where ever I go. I want to make sure that you know everything so you can make your own decisions about what you want for your life." He rolled onto his hands and knees over me in one practiced motion, the silver chain around his neck dangling down. I grabbed it before he could throw it over his shoulder as he usually did. "And I don't want what I'm about to tell you to influence your decisions."
I was suddenly nervous about what he would say. He was serious, making sure I was paying attention to his every word, judging whether the things I said in response were genuine or if I was playing along. "What are you about to tell me?" I was expecting to be disappointed.
"As if I actually have to say it." He said. It was the first time I saw shyness on his face as a genuine emotion he was feeling. "I have severely fallen in love with you, Natsuko."
I placed a hand over my mouth to hide my beaming smile in surprise. It was the last thing I expected him to say, and only a beat in time sooner I had been preparing myself to receive bad news. I used the hold I had on his chain to gently tug, my fingers wrapping around the back of his neck to pull him into my kiss. "I have severely fallen in love with you, Akira."
The rest of spring passed in much the same way. Practice entrance exams, nights and weekends with Aki, on repeat, for a few weeks. Some nights we went out to dinner with the band, some nights we spent at his house on the outskirts of the city, and some nights we spent in my apartment. It was easy to live life with Aki this way, and I felt that we simply fit seamlessly together, never trying too hard to please each other. I didn't stop to think on it too frequently, how I had fallen into the beginnings of this life I had always dreamed about living; on the inside of something glamorous and elusive. If I did, I wondered how such a fate had befallen me, if I deserved it, or if it would all turn out too good to be true in the end. I told myself as Aki had told me many times, to just be present, and enjoy the time and experiences right in front of me.
The day of college and university entrance exams passed in a fury. I hardly had time to blink and the day I expected to be drawn out and full of anxious energy, was over. I was left overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of what I had done, and barely able to recall the things I had written, I worried about my performance from the time I left the school grounds that day. Time passed afterword in a blur, some spent watching Aki record, some spent at home by myself, some spent out with Hina in the city. It was pleasant, as if I was floating through the few days after exams starting my summer break drunk and happy, but slightly on edge about what the future would bring me as soon as it was out of my hands.
The beginning of summer was hot. I had walked to my apartment from the recording studio after watching Aki and chatting with Kota for a while, with the promise to return by break time with coffee and snacks for everyone. I enjoyed days like that, where the unbelievable time I spent with the band gained me more importance not just to Aki's life, but to each of their lives. I was happy to have some kind of purpose during the days I waited to receive the results of my efforts during entrance exams.
As I entered my apartment, I shut the door quickly behind me to keep the heat out, and fanned under my arms with my hands. I did my best to avoid getting sweat on my sun dress, the thin straps sliding off my shoulders with the sheen of moisture on my skin anyway. I stuck my hand into the top of the mailbox, not expecting my fingers to touch a single envelope inside. I pulled it out slowly, looking hard as I lifted it for the school's logo stamp.
I flipped open my phone immediately dialling Hina's number. "Hina-chan, I have it. Do you have yours?"
"What? Let me look!" Hina's voice accompanied by hurried footsteps came over the line. "I have it! Let's open them together now!"
I rushed back to the studio, a tray of coffee cups in one hand, and a convenience store bag in the other hand. I had my small summer purse slung over my shoulder and across my body, and I didn't care if I got sweat on my sun dress any longer. As I closed the distance to the building's entry way, I could see the four of them standing together outside, and Aki waved when he saw me approaching.
"Natsu! Perfect timing." He said, taking the tray of coffee cups from me. "We got some big news while you were gone."
Kota took a cup from the tray and held it up. "We got an offer to join a huge record label in Tokyo!" He shouted, leaning back slightly as if to gather more air in his lungs.
My eyes widened as a smile spread across my face. Aki's expression matched mine as he looked at Kota, unable to hold in his happiness but clearly annoyed that he wasn't the one to break the news. "I can't believe it!" I said, clapping my hands together at my chest. "I'm so happy for you guys, you really deserve it. You're all so talented."
Aki put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close into his side. "We were just discussing the details. It's a huge opportunity, and our success will skyrocket, but it means relocating to Tokyo." His voice sounded worried and apprehensive.
I reached into my purse, producing the envelope from my school. The top was ripped open, as Hina and I had already revealed the results to each other on the phone. I held it up so everyone could see it. "I have some news of my own, actually." I said with a smile, looking at each of them. "I got accepted to University of Tokyo."
Kota lifted his coffee cup into the air again in a mock cheers and shouted. Aki grabbed both my shoulders, looking hard into my face. "Kami-sama." He said through Kota's shouting. "I was so scared." I laughed as he pulled me tightly against him, and I felt his heart racing against me.
"I'll meet you guys back inside in a minute." Aki said to the other three.
I handed the bag of snacks to Kota and we formally bowed to each other, laughing, half joking and half out of real respect for each other. I turned back to Aki. "Big day." I said.
He gathered me in his arms again, holding me so tightly his light t-shirt began to acquire some of the sweat from my chest. "Congratulations." He said. "You worked hard as well."
"Are we moving to Tokyo?" I asked. "Really, are all of us moving to Tokyo?"
"I think we are." He spoke slowly, still holding me tightly, and I allowed myself to rest against him. He held me for a long time, and I could feel his heartbeat slow again and his breath became deep and controlled. Though the air outside was hot, resting the side of my face on his shoulder allowed me to breathe him in, the smell of his skin and sweat.
After a long time, he loosened his grip on me, his fingers linking together at the curve of my back. "You wouldn't want to, you know," He started, seeming nervous again. "You know?"
I looked at him to study his expression, but he was coy and shy, and I wasn't experienced in reading that type of look on him. "What do I know?" I said, starting to laugh. "I have no idea what you're trying to ask."
He took a deep breath, preparing to speak quickly. "Do you want to get a place together?" He squeezed his eyes shut as if he was scared to receive my response.
"Yes, I really do." I said with a laugh at his overdramatic reaction.
He moved his hands to gently cradle my face in his familiar way, his fingers around the back of my neck and his thumbs supporting my jawline. He looked back and forth at both my eyes, his expression serious but excited. "Really?" He waited for me to nod in affirmation. "Let's go to start looking for a place this weekend. I'll get us a hotel room. We can see the sights."
"This weekend? When do you have to move? I have to tell my parents, I haven't even told them I got accepted to university." Suddenly our roles seemed to have switched, and I became the nervous one.
"Do they know about me?"
"Absolutely not." He laughed with his breath, leaning his head down until our foreheads touched. "They're overseas, they're not coming back to Japan. They left me here to finish school, so that's what I'm doing. They don't need to know anything."
"Natsu." He said my name in a whine. "What if they find out some other way? Do they follow the news here still? Because I'm on it frequently."
I reached up to the back of his neck, matching the way his hands still held my face. "Fine, I'll tell them. I'll talk to them tonight about university, and I'll tell them about you."
"I'm coming over tonight anyway. I'll talk to them if you want."
"You're coming over tonight?" I tried to make my tone joking, as I had expected him to accompany me home, the same as each night for the past days without question or hesitation.
"Did you not want me to?" He placed his hands on my shoulders, letting go of my face, leaning back to see my expression.
I laughed. "Aki! You're going to have to calm down or I'm going to get too nervous."
Aki left his car in the recording studio parking lot with permission, and we walked the short distance to my apartment to turn in for the night. We stopped on the way in a small local grocery store for ingredients to cook dinner, and retreated to bed. I turned on the small TV across the room and started scrolling through the movie list. Aki walked into the room closely behind me, whipping his shirt off and tossing it onto the floor. He let himself fall heavily onto the bed, laying on his back with his arms over his head. He closed his eyes, muttering about how hot the summer had gotten, but I took the opportunity the moment presented me to really look at him. The tattoos decorating most of his upper body were something I rarely actually looked at, and when I took the time to, I thought about the courage he had. I thought about his life before I met him and what he had experienced.
I picked up my phone, checking the time. It was nine pm, which would mean my parents on the other side of the world were just waking up at nine am on the same day I had just lived. I turned my phone screen to Aki to show him the time. "You ready?" I asked him.
"Are you?" He cracked one eye open slightly but immediately closed it again, a childish smile crossing his face.
I scrolled slower than normal through my contact list until I found my mom's entry. She would be more likely to answer the phone. I hesitated only to take a breath, and pressed the button to call. She answered almost instantly. "I was waiting to hear from you about the entrance exam results." She said, eager to hear my voice.
"I got an offer from University of Tokyo." I said. "I'm going to take it."
"It's far away from Kamakura. How do you think the commute will be?"
"I want to move to Tokyo. I've wanted to leave Kamakura my whole life anyway. I worked hard for this, so I think you should just be okay with it." I said quickly, trying to plead my whole case in one breath. "Besides, it won't be more expensive. I'm going to have a room mate."
I looked at Aki beside me, not really listening to my mom's reply. "Room mate?" He said, sounding slightly insulted.
I took the hint to start telling the whole truth. "Actually mom, I wanted to tell you something else. I have a boyfriend, and he accepted a good job offer in Tokyo. We were going to see about getting a place together." I squeezed my eyes shut just as I saw Aki's expression change beside me.
The line was silent for more than a beat of time. "How long have you been seeing him? Is he trustworthy?"
I opened my eyes, feeling the panic melting away from my face. "We met at the very beginning of spring." I said. "We've been inseparable since. Mom, have you heard of the band Guardian?" I put the phone on speaker so Aki could hear the conversation where it concerned him to put him at ease.
"I've heard of that band, I saw on the news that they had a homecoming concert in Kamakura. I thought of Hina-chan, actually, I know she likes bands like that. I wondered if you went to the show together."
Aki pointed to the phone, a stern look on his face. He laughed as he whispered, "The news, I told you."
"My boyfriend is the singer of Guardian, Aki." We both watched the phone as if it would provide proof of life in the long silence that followed. "Mom? You still there?"
"Are you sure?"
At her response I clapped a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. I tilted the phone slightly toward Aki, inviting him to say a greeting. "Hello Sugumori-san, this is Hasegawa Akira." He said, nodding a bow to the phone out of habit to be polite. "I'm Aki of Guardian, very pleased to meet you."
We spent a long time on the phone with her, retelling the story of how we meet and assuring her how well our separate lives meshed together. It was the most interest she had shown in my life in years, the most we had laughed together, and I thought the moment with Aki present, it was the happiest I had been. Aki and I recalled all our memories to my mom through the phone, talking mainly to each other to admit the experiences we had together changed us, even though we lived simply together over the few weeks we shared a life. We had moved quickly into each other's existence, and slowed down to remain there. At the end of the conversation, we received my mom's permission and blessing to live together in Tokyo.
"Hasegawa-san, I have to thank you for being such a wonderful presence in Natsuko's life." She said, just before hanging up the phone. "I'm confident I don't have to worry about her."
"I'll take care of her." Aki replied. "And she'll take care of me."
"Bye mom, I'll call after the weekend." We said one final salutation and I hung up the phone, tossing it lightly to the end of the bed. Aki had been sitting behind me, leaning against the pillows with his legs stretched out, and I fell backward into his waiting arms. He draped an arm over my shoulders, placing a kiss atop my head. "I was really nervous about talking to her."
"I was too." His voice had changed to the quiet, deep, and smooth tone I was familiar with reserved for night time.
"Do you want to take the train to Tokyo this weekend?" I hadn't realized what a toll my nerves had taken on me during the day, and leaning back to rest in Aki's embrace was a comfort I felt I had been missing for years. My body was instantly relaxed, and I didn't fight my eyes as they closed lightly.
"Sure." He said. I could tell he was tired, keeping his responses short and his voice low to allow me to relax into sleep where I was without disturbing me. "I'll book a hotel near the university."