The day of the last Guardian concert in Kamakura before the Tokyo relocation found me completely terrified as we prepared, and I trembled through most of the day. I had not been able to rehearse with Aki at all. My voice shook as I rehearsed the song on stage alone to an empty live house, my eyes glazed over with tears every time I ran through the song until the end. I knew every bit of it without thinking. I took time to stand still on the stage and look out into the arena, the rows of seats each representing a person somewhere in Kamakura who would watch me sing. Somehow, the path I laid out for myself in my life had brought me to that moment, and I savoured it as I watched the lights change colour. I had done something somewhere along the line to earn the love of a rockstar, and he transported me to that world I had always dreamed of living in. I had always wanted to leave Kamakura, I thought about it every day, what my life would be like in a place where opportunities to do anything would present themselves at every corner I turned. The whole of Kamakura would watch my send off, would see what I was capable of, and what I had accomplished for myself. I hoped, as I looked out into the arena, that if there was even one more person like me in the small beachside city, she would hear me.
Guardian's makeup artist fussed over me. I chose to wear a plain summer dress in a colour that suit me, and my hair was done neatly in soft curls that hugged the curves of my shoulders. The fans of Guardian gathering to see the show that night had no idea who Sugimori Natsuko was, and they were about to meet her for the very first time. I wanted my debut to be less mundane than my existence, but true to the fact that Aki had made me who I was as I stood in front of the mirror to approve or deny how the makeup artist had done me up.
She stood in the mirror space behind me waiting for me to answer. I looked over my shoulder to her and nodded. "I like this." I said. "What do you think?"
She folded her arms and tilted her head, as if looking back over her work for errors. "I think you look beautiful."
"That's my line." Aki, followed by the rest of Guardian, filed into the room on their way to the stage. The introduction music began, and I could hear the chatter and calls from the audience.
Aki grabbed both my shoulders to look at me. He was wearing a plain black sleeveless shirt this time, and ripped black jeans. His usual chains hung around his hips, clipped to his belt loops with a thick leather belt. His nails were done glossy black, and thick silver bracelets were around his wrists. His eyes as he looked at me were still so transparent, so familiar under thick black eyeliner. His hair was teased into its usual style, the tips of the bleach blond coloured red in his signature way. He was unmistakably Aki of Guardian.
He took my hand as we walked to the stage together, the five of us. Him and I waited in the shadows of the curtain as Kota, Fuji, and Hiro all took their places with their instruments. "Enjoy the show." He said to me with a smile, and kissed me swiftly before dashing across the stage to the middle and throwing his arms into the air, raising a thunderous cheer from the audience. I could see him smiling wide into the audience, as if he was pleasantly surprised at how many people were present to cheer the band on, like he hadn't expected it at all. I could hear him laugh as he clapped his hands over his head and let the audience shout and cheer for a moment longer, then he commanded their silence as the lights dimmed and bathed him in a bright blue. The breath he took before he screamed Guardian's introduction came straight from the bottom of his soul, and I heard it before he even lifted the microphone. His power was undeniable.
I watched from the sidelines, my hands clasped to my chest, in awe of what played out before me as they created a new world that took the audience away into their kingdom. My eyes were glued to Aki. He came alive on stage, dancing, running, jumping in time with the music, singing from the deepest part of his soul, a smile on his face the whole time. His animalistic screams were flawless, and spoke to my heart as they reverberated through my whole body. When most of the songs were over, they had a short break to guzzle water, change our of their sweaty stage clothes and into their band t-shirts.
As they walked back on stage together, Aki paused to take my hand. "Two more songs and then it's your turn. Are you ready?" He didn't give me time to answer.
Aki took centre stage slowly after the last song was finished. He held the microphone, resting one hand atop it in the stand. He was trying to catch his breath as a stage hand brought out a second microphone stand that I knew was for me. "I need to quit smoking." Aki said to the audience through ragged breaths and laughs. He was making a show of it, but I could hardly disagree. "Thank you all for coming to our last show in Kamakura for a while. We will be back, but soon we are relocating to Tokyo. I hope you will all come to see us there as well." A shout rose from the crowd in unison, stating undeniably that they would follow him to the end of the earth. "The last song we're going to play tonight is the live debut of 'Midnight With You'. This is the first time we will play it live. Please sing with us if you know the words." He stepped back from the microphone smiling hard, and looked at me on the side of the stage. He opened his arm wide in my direction, and I anticipated my introduction. "Please also welcome my lover to sing with us tonight, Sugimori Natsuko."
With shaking legs and little thought, I walked onto the stage, and immediately I was met with applause from the audience. It was a respectful sound, almost congratulatory, as I walked into Aki's waiting embrace. He held me tightly for just a moment, and when he released me, he looked hard at me. "Just focus on me." He said.
"I haven't taken my eyes off you all night."
"Just like old times."
We sang to each other, and I could hear in the background of my mind that some of the audience was singing with us as well. Through each verse and chorus, I held back tears that welled in my eyes, overcome with the same emotion I felt when Aki and I had recorded the song. I was overwhelmed with the beauty, the intimacy, the perfection of the moment. Bathed in dark blue vibrant light, backed by the skillful music of the band, and Aki beside me. As we finished the last note of the song, I couldn't help but bow deeply to Aki, unable to hold back the tears anymore. Microphone still in his hand, he almost immediately pulled me from the bow into his body, wrapping his arms around my back and shoulders. With the proximity of the microphone, I knew it would pick up at least faintly the sound of his voice as he spoke into my ear. "That was perfect."
We turned toward the audience as they continued to erupt in cheer for us, and bowed together, Aki's arm still around my shoulders, holding me close. The rest of Guardian joined us, and each put an arm around another, bowing in unison. As we parted, Aki took centre stage again.
"We'll see you in Tokyo. Do you want to come with us?" He called into the microphone. Shouts rose from the crowd. "Let's go then." He took a deep breath and let out his practiced guttural scream. "We! Are! Guardian!"
He raised one fist into the air as the audience shouted at him, praising him, and he took a moment to bathe in it. His smile was wide, and his eyes slowly cross the room, taking in every person he could see. I could see in his expression, his body, that each show meant something to him, and he was truly grateful to be where he was. He spread both arms and wide and bowed deeply to the audience, pausing for a moment at the deepest part of his bow, the most effective way he could think of to express his respect and to thank them.
We sat together backstage in a small green room with lounge furniture, rehydrating and taking turns washing up before changing to go home. Hours passed, the adrenaline of the show wearing off, and before I knew it, I was leaning back on Aki half asleep. He stretched his arms over his head, arching his back under me, and pat my hip with a flat palm. "We should go home before we end up falling asleep here." He said. "They'll just straight up lock us in. It's happened before."
I stood, and bowed to the group. "Thank you so much for today." I said to them. Aki sat up, but let me continue my bow. "It was an honour to sing with you on stage, and I hope I was able to make you all proud."
"Natsuko-san, I would be overjoyed to have you on stage with us at every show." Kota said, standing up to bow back to me. Fuji and Hiro remained silent but nodded in agreement to Kota's words. Everyone's eyes were red and bloodshot with exhaustion, but their faces were soft with contentment.
"See you all in Tokyo in a few days." Aki said, rising from the lounge. "Let's meet for lunch and drinks once we're all settled and start this new chapter together."
Aki was still wearing his stage clothes, and his makeup was in tact despite his wild performance only a few hours ago. He sat heavily on my bed, and within the confines of my apartment walls, he was still Aki, the frontman of Guardian. It was a surreal thing to witness, after nearly five months of living life with him, sharing love with him, seeing him as Aki and less Hasegawa Akira, still gave my heart speed.
I watched as he covered his face with his hands in a causal way, simply showing his exhaustion, taking a moment for himself while he thought I was otherwise occupied. He peered through his fingers in my direction, caught me looking at him, and straightened himself as if expecting to answer for something. "Natsu." He said my name in a half question.
I crossed the room, swinging a leg over his to sit atop his thighs, my knees supported by the bed. He welcomed me warmly, keeping his eyes on mine, and I could tell he was trying to read me. My mind was blank though, I was thinking of nothing except what was right in front of me. I was almost afraid to touch him, his stage presence struck me so differently, but I smoothed my hands over his shoulders to hook around his neck. He flattened his hands against my back, letting me take the lead if I wanted. "What did you think of singing with me on stage?" He asked me, his voice quiet.
I could feel tears come to my eyes at just the thought, a flash of memory coming to me. "It was amazing." I said. I couldn't find the words to do the feeling I got justice. "It feels unreal, like it was just a dream."
One tear slipped out of my control and began to roll down my face. Aki caught it, wiped it gently from my skin with one finger still manicured glossy black. "I used to cry when I sang too." He said. "That was how I knew I could do it forever. The emotion it gave me every time was overwhelming, and just had to come out of me somehow." He hooked a hand around the back of my neck and pulled me slowly into his kiss. "Why do you bow to me every time though?"
I laughed slightly, wiping my eyes dry with the tips of my fingers. "I just feel so grateful to you. It's the only way I can think to express my gratitude toward you in a way that gives you all of my respect."
"I know how you feel about me." He said. His voice was smooth and flowing, as if he was singing it to me. "I know all the different ways you look at me. And I know you're still starstruck when you see me like this."˙
I nodded shyly, confirming his accusation. There was no use denying or making up an excuse. As transparent as his eyes were, I knew he could see right through me as well. "I don't know why." I said. "I've watched you get ready from start to finish many times. You're the same person on or off the stage. But when I see you looking like this, you're Aki from Guardian who I saw for the first time on stage and stole my heart."
"Did I steal your heart the very first time you saw me?"
"From the very first scream."
He smiled as if he got an idea. "So now why don't you watch me undo it all?"
I watched him in the bathroom mirror as he took a small makeup bag from his backpack. He used a liquid applied to a cotton pad and held it to his eye for a moment, allowing the liquid to start working. With his other eye, he used the mirror to look at me, smiling. With one swipe of the cotton pad, most of the thick black makeup was gone. He did the same to the other eye, and asked me to start the shower. He stripped off his shirt and jeans, and I could see he was working methodically, not out of habit or routine, but for my benefit so I could see each step he took clearly as he transformed. It was true I had never really watched his undoing before, as he had always hidden away to start the shower for us, or removed his makeup and stage clothes in the studio before heading home.
He reached for me when I missed the cue to get undressed for the shower, and pulled my dress over my head for me. His energy was calm and content, as he tipped his head back under the water to wash his hair. He was so obviously enjoying the feeling of dissolving the day from his skin. He slicked his hair back, and gathered me in his arms for a moment to make sure I was staying warm. The residual black makeup around his eyes began to smear under the water, and he closed his eyes to my touch as I reached up to gently wipe some away. He used a bottle of cleanser to wash his face, closing his eyes and using his hands to lather it. As we stepped out of the shower, he wrapped a towel around my shoulders first, then tussled his hair with his own before wrapping it around his waist. Back to the mirror, he produced a small pot from the makeup bag containing a face moisturizer, and used his fingers to gently apply it, taking special care around his eyes.
"Now you've seen it all." He said to me, shaking his head like a dog to allow his hair to fall naturally. "Does that take care of your reservations?"
After nearly five months of sharing my life with him, I realized that every time I looked at him I still discovered something about him that I hadn't noticed before. I wondered if it was part of the process of getting to know someone so intimately as we did, or if my nerves had simply stopped me from really looking at him before. I also realized that every time I saw something new about him, I fell more in love with him and with the life that we had begun creating. It wasn't Aki, the frontman of Guardian, who made me starstruck. It was the life he had given me.