The first day of university, I sat alone at a desk in homeroom, clutching my bag to my chest. It reminded me of high school, but instead of a uniform that I was used to, I wore the hooded sweater that Aki had given me. It was a silent status symbol, but also a declaration of the music I liked to listen to, which in a music driven university program, I felt it fitting. I expected the other students in my classes to arrive wearing a similar style of band t-shirts, jeans, and boots. It was early, but I was nervous about what I would discover as the first day unfolded, so I gave myself extra time to find my footing. The first classroom was relatively normal looking for a classroom, a blackboard at the front, rows of desks, and literature pinned here and there on the walls. According to my schedule, the class would run for three hours, then we would switch rooms for a different class.
As I took in my surroundings and wondered what to think of them, a girl rushed into the room. She turned the corner and stopped abruptly. She scanned the empty room, and her demeanour seemed to relax. I assumed she thought she would be late, and was relieved to see the room empty, except for me.
"Good morning." She said, and crossed the room, sitting in the chair at the desk next to me. She looked plain, like I did, and she was pretty. Her hair had been bleached to a light rust colour, and she wore it in soft feminine curls. She was dressed in a band T-shirt and jeans, just like I had expected. The t-shirt she wore was one of Guardian's dated tour merchandise. A flannel shirt was tied around her waist. She held a hand out to me. "Nice to meet you. I'm Ayane Yuki." She pointed at my sweater. "I'm also a huge Guardian fan. But I know you don't get a sweater like that easily, so you must have a story to tell."
I nodded a bow to her, taking her hand firmly. "I'm Sugimori Natsuko."
She brought her hands to cover her mouth as her eyes showed surprise. "Of course you are! No wonder you looked so familiar. Is it true?" She placed her hands on top of her knees and leaned forward as if we were sharing a secret. "Are you and Aki really together?"
I laughed at how invested she was, but also at how unbelievable of a situation it was to be in. "Yes, it's true. We've been together for five months." I lifted my hand to cover my smile politely, but she grabbed it to examine it.
"This is his ring. He always wears this ring on his pinky finger. It really is true." She looked closely at it, her eyes wide with admiration. "What are you doing here? You have it made in the music world. And you have a beautiful singing voice."
I waved my hand dismissively. "I can't rely on my connections alone to make it somewhere. I want to study all aspects of music and be as useful as I can in the industry."
Her face seemed to light up. "I like to hear that. I hope you study hard and achieve your goals."
Other students had begun to file into the room, most of them alone, looking around for some sign that they belonged there. Ayane and I stuck together the whole day, during the class change and the break in between. It was a welcome distraction from the nerves I felt about the first day in a new school, a new life, to have a companion to share the experience with. She was experiencing the same things at the same time, and even though she knew my story, she treated me no differently. She wanted to get to know the me that I was beside the part of me that belonged to a famous band.
At the end of the day, we walked the hall together to the front entryway. "Did you see the reaction in the room when your name was called?" Ayane asked me as we walked. She stifled a laugh. "You're a regular celebrity already."
"I'm not so sure that's a good thing." My phone chimed as I spoke, and I reached for it quickly in my pocket. It was a message from Aki, as I had expected. "I finished early, I came to walk home with you. I'm at the front entrance smoking. I have big news!" It was signed with a small picture of a red heart. I motioned with my phone to Ayane. "Aki came to meet me, if you want to say hello to him."
She looked hard at me, seeming suddenly nervous. "Would that be okay?"
I pointed to my phone screen. "He's just waiting out front. He could get recognized at any moment. If he didn't want to be seen, he'd tell me to meet him somewhere else."
Aki stood leaning against the front entry gate, just outside of the school property, cigarette in hand as he had said. It felt like I was in high school again, meeting a delinquent after class. He stood in plain sight, obvious, but was wearing a modest outfit of jeans, t-shirt, and flannel overshirt. He saw me approach and opened his arms for me, gathering me in a tight embrace and saying a greeting into my ear. He kissed me quickly as we parted through a smile.
I motioned to Ayane standing shyly behind me. "Aki, I made a friend." I said. "This is Ayane Yuki. We got through the first day together."
Aki took Ayane's hand and bowed quickly to her. "Nice to meet you, Ayane-san. I'm glad Natsuko had some good company."
Ayane bowed back to him, her nerves plain to see. "Thank you, Aki-san. It's good to meet you. I'm clearly a huge fan of Guardian." She motioned to her t-shirt.
Aki looked at it, an expression of surprise crossing his face for just a moment. "That's one of the designs from our very first national tour!" He couldn't contain his excitement to see it. "Were you there?"
Ayane nodded quickly, getting just as excited as Aki. "My friends and I toured with you. We saw every show. All twenty venues."
"That's amazing. Thank you very much for your support." Aki bowed to her, and she matched him by instinct. "Now I'm even more glad you and Natsuko met."
"Are you guys coming to Geisai festival?" Ayane asked. "I know it's just first year, but it's a good way to show investment in your studies, and it's fun. The only problem being Aki-san, you'll get recognized a lot."
I turned my attention to Aki. "There are a lot of Guardian fans in our program." I explained. "A lot of them are studying music just because of Guardian."
He paused a beat to contemplate something, a look of deep thought on his face. "Should we make an appearance? All of us?" He asked. "It would be a great way to show appreciation to fans like you, Ayane-san, in our new home base." He looked at me as if seeking my approval of his suggestion. I was overjoyed.
Ayane said goodbye, leaving us with rejuvenated energy to walk the short distance home. "What's your big news?" I asked Aki as we walked.
He made a sound of excitement and ran a few paces ahead of me. "The new label wants to make us some promotional videos!" He shouted and jumped, throwing his hands in the air. As he landed, his smile beamed.
"Imagine if you had to get a real job." I said, catching up with him.
He put an arm around my shoulders. "I have a real job." His smile was still beaming with excitement.
"I meant a normal people job. You would go crazy I think." I held him around his back, concentrating on my fingertips for a moment to feel the shape of his body.
"I'm a normal person, Natsu, I don't know what you're getting at." His tone was playful, acting like being a famous musician was something just anyone could do. He was being humble about his talent, but he had lived the life of a rockstar for long enough that it was simply life to him. I was still getting used to it.
During the night I woke enough to realize Aki was absent. I reached for my phone on the bedside table to check the time, 2am, and resolved he must have snuck away to talk to Kota like usual. I got out of bed, slipped Aki's discarded flannel button down shirt on over my underwear, and tiptoed my way to the balcony where I found him in one of the flimsy chairs that had been left behind by the previous tenant. He held his phone to his ear and was nodding even though the person on the other end of the line couldn't see him do it. I open the balcony door slowly, trying not to make too much noise, and caught his attention as he looked for the source of the sound. He smiled when he saw me, leaned back in the chair and patted his thigh, opening his arm wide to invite me to sit with him. I tried to be graceful as I swung one leg over, resting on his lap as he smoothed a hand around my back.
"Do you think we should wear our stage clothes to the Geisai?" He asked into the phone. There was a pause as he listened to the other end. "Natsu just came out." He laughed as he took the phone away from his ear, pressing a button.
"Am I on speaker? Hello?" Kota's voice came through the phone.
"Hello Kota." I said. I realized as I spoke that I was still half asleep, immediately relaxing against Aki's body in comfort.
"Natsuko, what are you doing up at this hour? This is when rockstars talk on the phone. Is Aki smoking?"
I studied him for a beat, but he was not holding a cigarette. "No, he isn't." Aki smiled slyly and reached toward the floor for something, lifting up a full ashtray. "But he was." I added.
A slight laugh came from the phone. "The label told him he has to quit. He's been talking about wanting to quit anyway, so I see he's doing a stand-up job."
"Kota, answer my question and stop telling my secrets." Aki piped up, his tone sarcastic and joking.
"Yes, I think we should go in stage clothes." Kota said. "We're going to make an appearance for the fans to welcome us to Tokyo, right? It won't do us any good if we don't get recognized. We have to be prepared though. It could get insane."
Aki nodded to the phone. "We'll have to make a plan at tomorrow's meeting. I think it would be a good idea to play a small acoustic set. Get some sleep, Kota. See you in the morning."
"Goodnight Aki, goodnight Natsuko."
"Goodnight Kota." I said, trying to muster as much energy into my tone as I could.
Aki hung up the phone. "This is a new position for you." He said as he leaned forward into me, holding me in place with his hand on my back, placing a kiss on my neck.
My hands were flat on his chest but offering no resistance to his advances. "Aki, I'm half asleep, and everything you do feels ten times better than normal so I'm liable to let you do anything to me right now."
I felt his lips curl into a smile against my neck. "Don't say such tempting things to me, my love."
The night of the Geisai festival, we arrived all together, the five members of Guardian and myself. We walked in as naturally as we could, dodging stares from students passing by as we caught attention. They were wearing stage clothes, makeup, their hair done, and were easily recognizable. Fuji had discreetly set up a small drum kit earlier in the day with Guardian's manager, and we gathered around it carrying microphone stands, Kota with his guitar, and Hiro with his bass. Only one amplifier was set up. A small crowd began to gather as they took out their instruments and made themselves comfortable on small folding stools. Kota's guitar was a large wooden acoustic one, much different from what I had seen him play before. He tapped on the wood to make a hollow sounding echo that was only slightly picked up by Aki's microphone plugged into the amp. Aki nodded to the group, a signal that they would begin.
"Good evening, you might know us. We are Guardian." Aki said into the microphone. I was used to hearing him scream his introduction, but he spoke in his usual tone. The small crowd that had gathered clapped softly. Aki's voice was smooth and low, the voice that he reserved for the evenings. He laughed at the small applaud with joy, as more people began hurrying over at the announcement of the band's name. "You may already know, we recently relocated to Tokyo from Kamakura. We heard that many Tokyo University students are fans, and we thank you." He paused to step aside of the microphone stand, and bowed deeply to the growing crowd. More soft clapping came respectfully. "We have played all over Tokyo many times on tour, but now we call it home. Tonight, we wanted to show our appreciation for the warm welcome and play a few songs unplugged for you."
As I watched them play together, taking cues from each other as the songs progressed and feeding on all the energy floating through the air, I understood how talented they all were. They played their most popular songs as ballads, smooth and quiet. I watched as Aki looked from Kota to Hiro, and back to the audience again, singing to everyone, sharing the emotion he put into the lyrics of his songs. Without his shouts and screams, which were polished and skillful, I heard his voice sing purely, just as it was when we would sing our song together. I couldn't take my eyes from him as he swayed to the beat he was following, holding the microphone stand, closing his eyes for bars at a time to concentrate. He was in complete control of the sounds he made, and the rest of Guardian were perfectly in tune with him. I yearned as I listened to the set to one day become as talented, and I promised myself to work hard to earn my place beside them.
The crowd had grown, taking up the entire front lawn of the university grounds, and applause rose as the last note of the song ended. "That was the last song." Aki said, but he trailed off at the end as if asking a question. He looked to my direction and locked eyes with me. "Unless you want to hear one more. Midnight With You." A soft applause rose from the crowd. Aki smiled wide. "Natsu, my love, will you sing with me tonight?" He spread his arm open to welcome me to the microphone with him. Though I felt frozen, my body moved without much thought, into his outstretched arm. "We only brought one mic, so we have to sing close." He said to me.
We stood facing each other on both sides of the microphone, and Aki adjusted the stand slightly lower so it would be more comfortable for me. Our difference in height was not very much, but he leaned his head down to reach it while he sang, just like he did when he kissed me. As we sang, we sang to each other, forgetting the crowd was watching, forgetting the rest of Guardian was playing in the background. I felt tears welling in my eyes as we neared the end of the song, and when we finished I doubled over in a bow to Aki. I heard him laugh as he hooked his hands around my arms and lifted me from the bow into his embrace. I heard the muffled sound of cheering in the background, but I wasn't paying attention to it. That moment was only Aki and I. He spoke into my ear. "Perfect, as always."
Aki held my hand as I slinked to Kota's side of the stage, where he patted his folding stool to invite me to rest on it. "Sugimori Natsuko, thank you very much." Aki said, clapping in my direction, and the crowd followed his example. I nodded a bow to him, to Guardian, and to the crowd. He quickly bowed back to me, and faced the crowd again. "I hope you all enjoyed our small show tonight. We will be releasing promotional videos for some of our most popular songs soon, so please watch for them. Thank you for your support." He folded into a bow, and the rest of the band bowed with him. They remained for a long time, as the crowd clapped for them, and finally the sound began to fade.
Guardian began packing up their instruments in cases, and the crowd had begun to dissipate. A few lingering fans waited for the chance to speak to their favourite musicians. "Natsuko-san!" I heard a familiar voice and looked around for the source, my attention resting on Ayane-san walking quickly up to our group.
I waved to her, smiling as she approached. "Ayane-san! Did you watch the show?"
"I ran over here as soon as I heard this mysterious voice over a loudspeaker say 'Guardian'." She said, laughing. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "When I said you all should come to the festival, I didn't mean to make it into work."
I shook my head, denying the implication of her comment. "It's not work to these guys. They were all very excited to make an appearance."
Aki took notice that I was talking to someone and came to join us. "Here's a familiar face." He said, nodding a bow to Ayane. "Did you watch the show?"
"Of course I did! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest extra work for you when I said you should come to the festival." She bowed in response. She was neutral in her body language, as if she was talking to anyone, not Aki the frontman of Guardian. I wondered if I came across that cool, and if she was nervous on the inside.
"It was a lot of fun. I'm glad we could do this for the fans here." Aki said. "We didn't realize how many students in the music program were our fans."
Ayane suddenly looked shy. "A lot of them, including myself, are in the music program because we've been inspired by Guardian."
I nodded, grabbing hold of Aki's arm. "You're also the reason I decided to study music here." I said.
Aki's expression changed, and I was expecting to see delight on his face, but instead I saw admiration. He had looked at me with the same expression a multitude of times, and I recognized it well. "Thank you very much." He said. "This really opens my eyes to the meaning our music has for our fans, not just for entertainment, but through their entire lives." He took my hand and bowed to Ayane. "I realize my responsibility now."
"Thank you, Aki-san." Ayane bowed back to him, and they remained for a moment, showing a deep respect for each other. "I'm very glad to have met you and Natsuko-san."
Late into the night, we loaded the equipment into Fuji's car, as he had offered to return it to the studio. Kota got into the car with Fuji. "You guys want to squeeze in here?" He asked, half joking because the car was packed full of equipment and instruments.
Aki waved dismissively. "We can walk, we're only up the street here." He said with a sarcastic tone as Kota waved back out the window, Fuji slowly pulling the car away. I waved a goodbye to them and began to walk, but Aki grabbed both my shoulders, his hands landing heavily atop them. It surprised me, as he pulled me backward, and I landed firmly against his body and both his arms wrapped around me, holding on tight. I felt his chest rise and fall in a deep sigh, as if he was letting out built up stress. "Thank you." He said into my ear.
I could feel the surprise on my face melt into a smile. "What are you thanking me for? I should be the one doing all the thanking."
He released me enough so I could turn in his grasp to face him. I leaned against him and looked up at his face, holding him around his back. "As much as you think I've been the one to show you another world, you've done the same for me, maybe even more." He said. "I was losing hope. My inspiration was gone. I was trying harder every day to be grateful. And you gave me life again. Now look, tonight you've shown me how important Guardian really is to so many people. It gives me another reason to work hard to create music that means something."
We walked in silence home to our apartment, Aki holding my hand tightly. Though his hair wasn't done up, and he was wearing only a small amount of makeup, his stage clothes gave him presence. The air around him was calm and peaceful, as if he was thinking of nothing at all, but every glance I stole at his face showed me an expression of deep thought. None of the lights in the houses lining the street up to our apartment building were on. It was well past midnight. I could't help but notice how quiet the world was around us as we walked, even the direction of the neon lights of the city was keeping the sounds of hustle and bustle to itself. I leaned into Aki's shoulder, and wrapped my free hand around his arm. He took the hint easily and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, holding me close against him. When I looked up at his face, his expression had softened.
"What's going on up there?" I asked him. My voice felt so loud in the silence of the night.
"I just never pictured myself here." He said, slightly distantly, like he was still caught up in his mind. "Tonight was a humbling experience, realizing how great my success with Guardian has become." He looked at my face, expressionless for a beat, then smiled. His eyes were tired, but hungry. "I'm proud of myself."
"I'm proud of you." I said, not missing a beat. "Of all of you. You all work so hard, you deserve every bit of success that you have."
When we arrived at the apartment, Aki opened the door, stepping back to let me enter first. He walked inside and laid down in the middle of the living room floor, on his back with his arms and legs wide. I laughed when I saw him sprawled out there, but got down on the floor beside him.
"Do you have classes tomorrow?" He asked, fighting to keep his eyes open.
I settled into his side as he wrapped his arms around me. "No, not this weekend. The Geisai allowed us to have a whole weekend off for a change." He made a sound of acknowledgement, his eyes closed. "Are you going to sleep right here?"
"No, I have to get washed up." He said, but his voice was barely detectable. I felt his body relax into the floor.
"Okay." I said, placing a kiss softly on his lips. "I'll stay here with you."