We stayed there for a long time as I let Aki cry, and my fingers idly played with his hair. I felt his breath grow deeper as the time passed, and his body relaxed little by little. We both jumped slightly when Aki's phone began to vibrate with a call, and I retrieved it from behind him on the couch to hand it to him. He wiped his eyes with his fingers as he uprighted himself to take the phone from me, squinting slightly to read the display on the screen.
He pressed a button to put the call on speaker phone. "Kota." He said.
"Aki." The reply came from the phone. "Is Natsuko with you?"
Aki looked at me, still talking to the phone. "Yes. Kota, she's always with me unless I'm at the studio with you. Why do you ask?"
A chuckle came from the phone. "Natsuko, did he like the gifts?"
I smiled at the phone, nodding even knowing Kota couldn't see me. "Yes, he did. Thank you for taking me to get them."
"Wait." Aki interrupted. "You made up some excuse about needing Natsu's help, so how did you know she was going to give them to me right away?"
Kota laughed loudly. "I knew you wouldn't believe my lame story, and I knew she wouldn't try to hide it from you."
"Well, thank you Kota." Aki said. "See you tomorrow."
"If I don't hear from you at 2am."
Aki hung up the phone and placed it on the table. He held my legs in place on either side of his hips, and lifted himself to his knees, leaving me helpless to fall back against the couch as he lifted my legs with him. He hovered over me, bracing himself on his palms on either side of me, and grabbed his chain to throw it over his shoulder. "The tea is cold." He said.
"Aki, I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, tea can be warmed up."
I laughed at how casual he was to dismiss what I said. "That's not what I meant."
"I know what you meant." He said, leaning down to kiss me. "There's nothing for you to apologize for. If anything, I should be the one apologizing for keeping that secret." He stood up from the couch, grabbing the teapot from the table. "Do you want to start the bath? I'll heat this up and bring it in."
The bath was full, and the steam rising from it filled the small room. I sat on the edge of the tub wrapped in my towel, with my feet in the water getting used to the temperature. I made the water hot, unsure of how long it would take Aki with the tea, but also to try to replicate the feeling of an onsen atmosphere.
"It feels like an onsen in here." Aki said as he opened the door to enter, and shut it swiftly behind him when he realized how much steam had filled the room. He placed the teapot on the sink counter and poured a cup for me.
He stripped himself down to his underwear, tossing his clothes into a pile in front of the door. I began to gather my hair to put it up, but he took it from me. Curious as to what he would do with it, I lowered my hands and took up my tea cup again, letting him work. I could feel that he was braiding it, and when he was finished with the braid, he began to twist it and clipped it in place in a bun. He poured himself a cup of tea and tossed his underwear into the pile of clothes at the door, then sunk into the water up to his chest, resting his arms on the sides of the tub. "We need a bigger bathroom." He sighed, closing his eyes and tipping his head back to rest on the side of the tub. "We should go back to Kamakura for a weekend soon, before things start to get really busy."
"Just because the bathroom in your house there is bigger?" I laughed, sipping my tea lightly, enjoying his sleepy sentiments.
He opened his eyes and looked intentionally at me. "I don't want to talk about her." He said firmly. "I don't think her memory will ever completely fade, but I want you to know that you are the one who is important to me now, and I'm living my life with you, not with her memory."
I nodded passively, setting my teacup down on the side of the tub and discarding my towel on the floor. I eased myself into the water with my knees on either side of him, and he put his hands into the water to skim my thighs with his fingertips. He smiled lightly, his eyes half lidded as he looked up at me from his relaxed position. I leaned my head down to face him, gently cradling his face in my hands. "You don't have to carry it alone." I said. "Even if you don't want to talk about her now, you might later, and I'll listen any time."
He closed his eyes and nodded only slightly, and I knew he had heard exactly what I said, understood exactly what I meant. "I'm going to set an alarm for fifteen minutes." He said, reaching for his phone over the side of the tub, discarded on the floor with his clothes. "After that we need to go to bed, because I'll either fall asleep in here or I'll get -" I covered his mouth with my hand, laughing, still a little too shy to hear what I knew he was going to say. He smiled, grabbing my hand and moving it away. "Natsu, when is your birthday?"
"I thought you didn't like to talk about birthdays." I said, and watched the expression on his face begin to accept that he might never know. I stayed quiet until I saw the thought cease. "December 31st."
The day Guardian was scheduled to begin recording the promotional videos for their most popular songs, I spent the entire day at school daydreaming. I hurried through the day hoping I wouldn't miss much. Aki promised to record everything, and though it was some relief to know I could watch it back at my leisure, it was an entirely different feeling basking in their excitement in person with them. At the end of the day, I ran through the hall, clutching my shoulder bag's strap, the sweater Aki had given me with the embroidered character of his name tied with the sleeves around my waist.
"Why are you running?" Ayane joined my jog as she exited as classroom just in time to see me streak past her.
I slowed my pace to a quick walk as we reached the front doors of the university. "Guardian is starting to record their promotional videos today." I said, taking a deep breath. "I've been just waiting for classes to end so I can go watch."
Ayane clapped her palms together, hiding her smile with her prayer gesture. "That's so exciting." She whispered. "I can't wait to see them when they come out."
"Aki said he would record for me today if I was going to miss anything important. I can show you tomorrow, if you want." She began to nod quickly, but her look of happy excitement began to fade from her face as she watched something over my shoulder.
I took a glance back to see a few girls approaching, and turned to face them beside Ayane when I realize they were walking with purpose toward us. Five of them in total, all wearing various accessories related to Guardian; t-shirts, wrist bands, buttons on their jackets. Each of them looked the same as the next, and reminded me of the way Aya Sato's makeup was always over done and her hair was always styled in a way that was too childish for her. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach at the sight of them, reminded of the treatment I received from Sato-san. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I trusted my instinct, and held out hope that there was a chance I was wrong. Ayane grabbed my hand, and I was able to feel the tension in her as well. If she knew anything about these girls, it was that they were up to no good.
"Hey, Sugimori." One of the girls spat her greeting to me, as if my name tasted bad. I heard Ayane whisper 'Disrespectful' under her breath. The girl folded her arms waiting for me to acknowledge her, sticking her jaw out to one side to chew her lip. "We heard Aki's new groupie slut was attending the university, wanted to see if it was true." She nodded her head toward me once in a gesture. "And here you are."
The exchange was strange to me, and I wasn't sure what the girls wanted me to say or do. "Can I help you with something?" I asked, still attempting to give her the benefit of the doubt.
She scoffed a laugh. "We wanted to see if a fellow Guardian groupie wanted a place in the squad." She said, opening her arms to gesture to the other girls standing with her.
"Thanks for the offer, but I'm fine by myself." I said. "Anyway, I'm not a groupie." I began to turn my back to the group to face Ayane again, but the girl interrupted me.
"You know you're not special, right?" She said. Her tone had become threatening. "I've had a piece of Aki before. We all have. You know you're just his current plaything." I turned my head to look at her out of the corner of my eye, not quite giving her my attention, but she had caught it with her words. Most of me screamed inside that she was lying, but some small part of me wanted to know for sure. "No matter what he's told you, he's a player just like any other guy in a band. You'll see."
Ayane tugged my hand, signalling to me that she was about to remove us from the situation before it escalated. "We have somewhere to be, you can talk to her about this another time." She called over her shoulder as she pulled me in a quick walk through the doors of the university. "Are you going to the studio now to watch them record?"
I nodded, letting her pull me along and set the pace. She changed her course for the train station entrance only a few minutes walk from the university entrance. I felt shaken by what the girl had said, and I unintentionally fell silent as I went over the encounter in my mind.
"Don't listen to them." Ayane put a hand on my shoulder, breaking me out of my daydream. "They're just trying to shake you up. Probably they want to use you to get close to Guardian."
"If they wanted to shake me up, it worked."
"None of what they said is true. You know it's not true. Now go watch your man and his band make a music video, and show me all the recordings tomorrow." She hugged me quickly.
I nodded firmly, half bowing to her. "Thank you, Yuki-san." We shared a laugh before she turned me and gave me a push toward the train platform.
I followed the sound of a Guardian song playing loudly through the hallways of the studio, easily finding the room where the band was recording the video. There was a sign on the door that read 'Recording in progress do not enter', but another hand written message in the corner of the sign that read 'Sugimori Natsuko please come in'. I recognized the hand writing as Aki's. I slowly opened the door, only enough to squeeze through, and I shut it quickly behind me, careful not to make a sound or be noticed. I looked up to the set just as the song reached a stop in the music, allowing Aki's animalistic scream to become the centre of attention. His side was facing me, and as he lip synched to the scream, he arched his back, tilting his head, taking the microphone with him, reaching the other hand into the air to grasp at something invisible above him. The lights on the set changed from blue and gold to flashing white. When the scream was done, his body snapped forward with the sudden blast of music and the four of them began to dramatically headbang and kick their heels back in unison. My heart began to pound in my chest watching him, captive in his movements. As the last note of the song sounded, Aki stood straight, throwing his arms open on both sides of him. Under the blue light, the stage makeup gave his face a stark and serious expression, intensely highlighting every contour on him. He dropped his arms, using his body to catch himself with a slight bounce of his knees as the music faded behind him, and he dropped the microphone while he turned his back to the camera and walked past the drums to the back of the set.
"Cut!" A man was watching on the sideline with a clipboard tucked under his arm. He began to applaud, holding his hands up so they could see. "That was fantastic, guys. That was the shot." The rest of the set hands began to clap as well, and I joined them as I walked slowly toward the set, trying to place myself in Aki's view. "Take a quick break, and we'll record the individuals."
I watched as the four of them laughed together, bumped fists, and exchange words with nods and smiles. Aki was handed a small towel by one of the set hands, and he used it to pat sweat away from his neck. Finally, he saw me, and I watched as his expression lit up with even more happiness as he began to walk toward me. I waved to him and held my arms out, waiting for him to gather me into his familiar tight embrace.
"I'll try not to smear makeup all over you." He said into my ear. As he held me, I breathed in the scent of his cologne mixed with sweat, familiar and comforting. I began to cry, unable to hold it in any longer, as if being wrapped in his arms was the permission I needed to lose control. Without letting go, he knew. He laughed a little as he spoke. "Why are you crying?" I pushed away from him slightly so he would loosen his grip, and his hands remained on me as we looked at each other's faces. His makeup was thick and deep lining his eyes, it suited him well, and I could see the Aki that I knew better than anyone shining through his eyes. He searched my face as I tried to stop crying enough to begin telling him what had happened at the university. "Come on, I have a break now. Let's talk in my dressing room."
He walked me into the room, set up just outside the recording space. It was small, a temporary setup with a rolling rack of his stage clothes and a table with a large mirror and small chair. Aki's makeup was spread out on the table, ready for touching up quickly. He sat me in the small chair, turning it so my back was to the mirror, and he knelt on the floor between my knees, bracing himself with his forearms resting atop my thighs. He handed me two tissues, and retrieved a third to dab my cheeks, wet with tears. With his care, I had finally stopped crying.
"Did something happen, or did you just need that?" Aki asked me, his soft tone reserved for night was soothing to my frazzled mind.
I shook my head, trying to diminish what was bothering me. "Some girl at the university said something to me today. I don't know her, I had never seen her before, so I'm not sure why she decide to single me out. That's all."
"That's not all if what she said made you cry like that." I could tell he was waiting for me to tell him more.
I took a deep breath, unprepared for what he would say in reply to my story. I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, that my life with Aki was a genuine one, and that I didn't have to worry. I was somehow insecure. Whoever she was, she knew how to get under my skin. "She said her and her four friends she was with were Guardian's groupies, and that they had all slept with you." I watched his expression grow more serious. "She said that you're just a player like every other guy in a band and that I'm only your current plaything."
I had never seen such an expression on his face. I could tell he was angry, but also embarrassed. He looked into my eyes deeply, more deeply than he ever had before. "Natsuko, can I tell you a secret?" He said. It had been a long time since he used my name, instead of a nickname, to address me. I nodded, holding a tissue to my nose and covering my mouth. I felt tears welling in my eyes again. He didn't look away from my eyes even for a second. "I have been with exactly two people. And one of them is you."
I was surprised by his reply, but not in the way that I had expected to be. I hadn't thought much about his life before I came into it, past the parts that he had spoken about or shown me, and I hadn't dared let myself think about his past love life. "Really?"
He nodded once, with intention. "Really." He said. "I haven't had time to be a player, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I met my girl when I was sixteen. I was committed to her until she passed, through everything. Then I grieved. Then I met you. Now you're my girl and I'm committed to you. That's all there is."
"Aki!" There was a loud knock on the door and a familiar voice from the other side. Kota poked his head in. "Oops, I didn't know you were here Natsuko. Did you come to watch the shoot?"
"Kota, what if we were naked in here?" Aki glanced over his shoulder at him with a smile.
"Kota," I began to ask him a question slowly, testing the waters. "How many girls has Aki taken back to his room on tour, or had a fling with?"
Kota looked at Aki with wide eyes, wondering why I would suddenly ask something like that. Aki's smile widened at the look on Kota's face. "You can tell her." He said.
"Exactly zero." Kota said. "Aki's not like that. His good influence is ignored by the rest of us, though. Dare I ask why you want to know all of a sudden?" I shook my head, laughing a little through fresh tears that had begun to roll out of my eyes. "Aki, break is over, you're doing your individual shots first. If you want to watch, Natsuko, I'll sit with you."
Aki nodded to his disappearing image and stood, holding out his hand for me to take. I didn't hesitate, and stood with him. He wrapped his fingers under my jawline, around the back of my neck to cradle my head, and used his thumbs to gently wipe the new tears from my cheeks. "Did you believe that girl?"
"I didn't, but what she said stuck in my mind, and I started to really wonder."
"There are a lot of people who are going to want to try to hurt you because of me, in one way or another. You can talk to me about anything. I'm always going to tell you the truth."
"I know I can trust you, and even if you were a player, I know you're committed to me now. She just upset me." I sniffed and began the search for more tissues. "Go on ahead, I don't want to make you late. Give me a second to clean up and I'll find Kota to watch you."
He smiled and nodded, half exiting the door before he turned around. "Natsu, everyone knows. They're jealous. I kissed you in a publicly released announcement video. We sang together on stage, and recorded together. I introduced you to the world as my lover. I'm pretty serious about you." He closed the door, still smiling.