I arrived at the studio late into the afternoon, after my classes had ended for the day. I kept quiet, and did my best to stay under the radar of anyone who wanted to say or do something to me. I did my best to even avoid Ayane after homeroom when we went our separate ways to different class rooms. It wasn't until I left the school grounds that I felt lighter, felt I could stand up straighter, and realized that I had been a victim to my fear for the entire day. Aki had been on to something, I thought to myself, as I prepared for the lesson he was about to share.
Winter was setting in quickly, and though Tokyo felt cold in a different way than Kamakura, all the glass and steel seemed to make the cold feel deeper. Aki was outside the studio, lingering around the sidewalk by the front entry way. He was dressed in his usual plain black hooded sweater, but was wearing losing fitting black jogger pants that I had not yet seen him in. He held his arms open when he caught sight of me, ready to embrace me tightly. Somewhere in his baggy clothes, I found his body to wrap my arms around. "Did you have a smoother day today?"
I released him just enough so I could hook my hands into the front pouch pocket of his sweater. "I realized I'm actually pretty scared of school."
He smiled, but it was a knowing sort of look. "I hope you brought your gym clothes."
The gym in the studio was small, with just enough equipment for a quick workout during the day, or to let off some extra energy. A heavy bag was hung in the corner of the room opposite one treadmill, and a rack of a few hand weights. A large inflatable exercise ball rocked back and forth with every move made close to it. I was surprised as I stepped onto the floor, though it looked like solid tile, it acted more like rubber. Aki casually walked toward the heavy bag, reaching for the backs of his shoulders as he crossed the room, to pull the sweater over his head. He was shirtless underneath it, the loose fitting joggers sitting low on his hips, the waistband of his underwear hugging his skin neatly clearly visible. As he discarded his sweater I noticed his hands and wrists were wrapped in what looked like black bandages.
"I come in here every lunch break to practice for a while." He said, patting his stomach with both hands. "That's how I stay so pretty." He produced a roll of fabric and handed it to me, beginning to unravel one of his bandages. "First thing you need to know is how to protect yourself while you're training. It won't do you any good to get hurt before you even know how to throw a proper punch."
Aki demonstrated step by step how to wrap my hands for protection, and taught me the reasons behind the method he used. He showed me how to stand, with one leg back to brace myself and my hands up to protect my face, and he used his body to place me correctly. He stepped in behind me, moving close to place his chest against my back, and each of his legs behind mine. He reached in front of us to move my elbows into a better position that helped my hands protect more of my face, and then patted my stomach with a flat palm to remind me to brace my core. I could feel trust running back and forth between us, though it was not a moment he took advantage of to steel a kiss or a secret touch. He did nothing to distract my mind from the faith I put in him to teach me well, and the concentration I had on cultivating my power.
As he demonstrated each movement, he pointed out the tiny details that gave it more power; the twist of a hip or where and when to shift my weight. Then, he moved to stand behind me, glued to me like I was his puppet, as I went through each movement to practice against an imaginary opponent. It was like we were dancing together. He taught me three different combinations of movements, and lead me to stand in front of the heavy bag.
I took a deep breath, recalling how he had shown me the combinations against the bag himself before standing aside for me. I threw one punch cautiously, looking at Aki for approval. He stood by with his arms crossed across his chest, watching proudly with a smile. I kept going, throwing another punch, and then another, and suddenly I lost myself and I began projecting memories onto the bag. I saw faces from school, faces from my past, faces from every part of my life that I wanted to forget. I hit the bag harder and harder each time, until my breath became ragged and it was hard to inhale. I could feel sweat beginning to bead on my face and my back. My breath was short, every inhale hurt in my chest, and I began to cry. I felt heavy hands atop my shoulders and I dropped my arms to my sides, realizing how much my muscles ached as I tried to catch my breath.
"Natsu, it's okay." I heard Aki's voice, and realized his hands were on my shoulders firmly, giving me an anchor of safety. I reached up to put my hands on his. "Deep breaths."
As I allowed myself to cry, I suddenly felt like I couldn't stand anymore, my muscles worn out from losing my breath. I crouched slowly, and Aki followed my movements, pulling me back against his body between his knees as he crouched with me. His arms crossed around my arms and chest, and he held me securely. "I'm sorry." I said, after I was able to breath more steadily. "I don't know where that came from."
Aki breathed a laugh. "I had a feeling you might have some emotion to let go of." He grabbed each of my hands to remove the canvas wraps.
My hands were shaking though he was holding them, I could feel them vibrating against his hold. "I think I shouldn't do that anymore."
"That's exactly why you should do it more." Aki said. "If there's something in your head that you need to get out, best to do it in a safe place like this." I nodded against him, taking another deep breath to feel his presence against me, the way my chest moved the weight of his arms draped over me. "Do you want to go again? Or take a break for now?"
"Take a break for today." I said, letting my body completely relax backward into his body. The unexpected extra weight cause him to lose balance in his squat and he fell to sit on the floor, taking me with him. "My hands need a break after that."
He held up my hand to examine it. "Your knuckles are quite red. At least we know you were punching correctly though." He used his thumb to gently rub over my index and middle knuckle. "Let's grab coffee and go home. We can ice these and you'll be good as new to do it again tomorrow."
I sat watching Aki at the coffee shop's counter as he ordered for us, and requested a small bag of ice for my hands. I had shrugged my jacket off to get comfortable, feeling secure enough in the fact that no one was watching us in the small side street of Ueno. I had put on Aki's button down flannel shirt over my sports bra, leaving it open at the top enough for it to slide off my shoulder occasionally. The setting sun shone through the windows of the cafe effortlessly, and it seemed so bright and alive though it was nearing dusk and would be dark soon. I felt somehow lighter than I had.
Aki set a cup in front of me, sitting into the booth across from me holding his own cup. I smelled a strong aroma of coffee, and knew that he had ordered his favourite dark roast which he drank black, and sipped it as if he was sipping whiskey. He opened his palms atop the table, signalling me to put my hands in his. He pressed both hands one at a time to his lips to kiss my red knuckles, then placed them down on the table and lay the small bags of ice gently atop them.
He sat back in the booth, taking a small sip of his coffee. "Now then." He said, smiling. "You don't lose control like that unless you're letting something out. You want to tell me what was on your mind?"
I took a deep breath, not exactly wanting to think back on the emotion that poured out of me, afraid of the reaction I would have. "I started remembering all kinds of people from my past, all the way back to friends I used to have in grade school." I said. I knew I was safe with Aki, and I knew if he could effectively pull me out of my bought of rage once, he could do it again if he needed to. "People who let me down. But I honestly can't think of a person from my past who hasn't let me down."
Aki nodded, setting his cup down on the table and leaning forward. "It seems like your trust issues are more deep rooted than we thought." His voice was quiet, reserved for me only. "But that's something you can decide to think about or not."
"I don't have trust issues." I muttered, knowing he was right but not wanting to admit it.
He smiled to himself, looking away. "Christmas is coming." He said, suddenly changing the subject. "You get a break right? We're going back to Kamakura and staying for New Year. The rest of them are coming too. My house is big enough, we can all crash there."
I perked up at his comment, feeling overwhelmed by happiness. "That's great! I can't wait."
"I was hoping you would be excited." He seemed relieved, as if he was apprehensive if I would like the plans he made. "It's about time we all had some time together that doesn't have anything to do with work. And they said they will be extremely respectful of your privacy."
I laughed. "That means our privacy, doesn't it?" I was met with his smiling nod.
The week before Christmas break, Guardian's promotional video was released. It was a quiet release with no real announcement, but the news spread like wildfire through the close knit Guardian fan base. Journalists from music magazines began calling the studio requesting interviews, and the video earned a thirty second TV commercial spot on and evening entertainment channel. It all happened overnight as the community of fans did their due diligence talking amongst each other, inviting outsiders in, and soon the video release was all anyone was talking about. Guardian's name became big news.
I rushed to the studio after school, having received word that a journalist was going to be stopping by to interview each of the band members. The interviews were being filmed so clips could be taken for social media to help the magazine gain traction, and they were being held in the same white room as always. As I entered the room cautiously, Kota grabbed my arm, putting a finger to his lips to signal that I should be quiet. I let him lead me in the shadows of the back of the room to a spot where we could watch the interview.
Aki was in the chair across from the journalist. They laughed together, and the atmosphere was relaxed, as if they had been chatting for a while already. Aki was wearing the same black oversized hooded cloak that he wore in the promotional video, his makeup and hair done without a flaw. I flashed a smile to Kota as we settled in together to watch, excited to see the interview unfolding.
"Well, congratulations on the video release, your fans did an amazing job getting the word out." The journalist said. "Is there any reason, though, that Guardian chose not to announce the release more publicly?"
Aki leaned back in his chair, an expression of contemplation crossing his features. "We just wanted to see what would happen." He said. "Guardian is not a new band, we've been active for nearly ten years now. We were just based in Kamakura before, and even though we toured in Tokyo plenty of times, our name just didn't compete with the major bands. So here we are."
"You relocated to Tokyo in September, is that right? We were you welcomed as if you were a brand new band?"
Aki laughed and shook his head. "The label we signed with knew what they were getting with Guardian. They knew the skill and talent we each have."
The journalist nodded quickly as if she was afraid she had insulted him. "And last question. Or maybe this will turn into a few more questions, depending on your answer." She smiled wide, looking at him to make sure he was ready. "Sugimori Natsuko."
Aki smiled, looking down at his lap, slightly embarrassed. In the shadows at the back of the room, I covered my mouth with both of my hands, and Kota gripped my shoulder as if he was bracing me. "Is that a question?" Aki said.
"We saw this girl emerge as part of the Guardian family soon after the Tokyo relocation. How long has she really been in the picture?"
"Ah, we're going there, are we?" Aki laughed, leaning to one side in his chair and crossing his leg over the other. "I might as well answer all the questions now, since I don't want there to be any room for doubt or speculation. Natsuko and I met eight months ago now, in May back in Kamakura. We've been together ever since."
The journalist looked intrigued with his answers on a personal level. She was conducting the interview out of more than just professional obligation, I realized. It made me happy to see that she was interacting with Aki also as someone who could respect him as the artist he was, because she recognized and appreciated his talent. "So how did she come to sing with you in the song 'Midnight with You'?"
"She is studying music right now, and she wants to learn about every part of the music business. She also happens to have an amazing singing voice, which is something I did not know about her when we met. I wrote the song about her, shortly after we began our relationship, and I couldn't think of a better way to present the song than with her on it as well."
She nodded in understanding, a dreamy look crossing her face. "Natsuko-san really has it made, doesn't she? A rockstar boyfriend and an open door into the industry."
Aki held up his hand, shaking his head. "She works hard to earn what she has, and I'm very proud of her for it. She wants to be able to make it on her own, whether she has Guardian's and my help or not."
"One last question." The journalist said. "There have been rumours that Natsuko-san has been wearing your famous phoenix ring." She paused to gauge Aki's reaction, but his expression didn't change as he waited for the real question she was going to ask. "Is a wedding in the future?"
"Yes." Aki answered her bluntly, without hesitation, without changing his expression. At the back of the room, Kota gripped my shoulder harder, and I tried hard to hold back my surprise.
"Aki of Guardian, thank you very much for today." The journalist said, bowing in her chair to him as he matched her gesture without another word.
Aki stood from his chair and reached a hand toward the journalist. She stood as well, took his hand, and they bowed together before Aki walked off set. He seemed to have no idea that Kota and I had been there watching him, and was about to exit the room before Kota shouted to him. He visibly jumped, startled at the sudden call of his name he wasn't expecting, and turned swiftly to identify the source of the call. Kota waved timidly from the back of the room, but I remained with both hands clasped over my mouth in surprise at what I had heard during the interview, and also the utmost happiness I could have experienced.
"How long were you two there? Were you watching?" Aki changed his course and walked toward us, forcefully grabbing me with both his arms to hug me tightly. He relaxed his grip after a moment, but still held me against his body.
"I watched your whole interview, because I'm next and I didn't know what to say." Kota said, folding his arms over his chest. "Natsuko got here not long ago."
Aki looked down at my face from his hold on me. "Is that why your face looks like that?" He laughed. "Have you never heard me talk about you to other people before?"
I shook my head. "I'm happy to hear that you're proud of me. I'll keep making you proud, I promise."
"I need to tell you these things more often. Also how nice you look every day. I should just tell you instead of keeping it to myself." He said. His voice was chipper. "Listen, I need to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?"
I slid my arms around his waist and back, looking slightly up at his face. "For you? I have all the time in the world. Also I'm going home with you, so I'll be waiting for you anyway."
He laughed slightly but bit his lip. I caught his eyes travel to Kota still standing behind me, and I turned my head to see a stern expression on Kota's face. I wondered why they would exchange such a look, but I pretended not to notice.