As I got dressed and brushed my hair in the bedroom, I heard the front door open with a commotion and familiar voice. "Merry Christmas!" I could recognize Kota's voice anywhere. "I'm early, I took the train because Fuji wanted to stop in and see Hina-chan before he came over. I think they're meeting for morning coffee."
I hurried out of the room and down the hall, excited to have heard the mention of Hina's name. I thought maybe she had reconsidered spending Christmas with us, and that her agreeing to see Fuji was a step in the right direction. Kota noticed me as he handed Aki his bags, and stopped to throw his arms open, waiting to embrace me.
"Merry Christmas, Natsuko-chan." Being handled by Kota always felt like more like a big brother in comparison to the way Aki held and touched me like a lover. "You look better in Aki's clothes than he does."
From the kitchen, I could see Aki look over out of the corner of my eye at Kota's comment. I wore the same shirt Aki had stripped off the night before, and the socks I had put on after showering, but the white sweatpants I had on were my own. "It's almost a shame he can't wear my clothes as well." I laughed, and began to lead the way to the kitchen, smelling coffee.
Aki set cups on the counter for us. "Kota, two of you guys can stay in the other bedroom, but one is going to have to sleep on a futon in the main room, so I'll let you decide." He said, leaning back against the kitchen counter with his coffee cup cradled in both his hands.
Kota took a cup quickly and inhaled the steam, a smile crossing his face. "Fuji snores, so he can stay out in the main room. I think he stays up the latest as well."
"Let me bring your bags in the bedroom." Aki made a move to begin the task but I placed my palm on his chest to stop him.
"I'll do it, enjoy your coffee. I haven't started mine yet." I said, grabbing Kota's bags from the kitchen doorway.
The other bedroom was on the other side of the house from Aki's, and set up in much the same way. It was smaller, and there was no bathroom attached, but the tatami was clean and there was a raised platform to roll a futon out on just the same. I set the bags in the corner by the platform and slid the closet open to retrieve a rolled up futon.
"Did you get here last night?" I heard Kota's hushed voice followed by a sound of affirmation from Aki. "Did you ask her yet?" I paused a moment to listen, intrigued by what I was hearing.
"I really want to. I almost did." Aki's voice answered the question. I continued rolling out the futon, slowly, trying not to make noise that would interrupt my eavesdropping.
"Why didn't you?"
"December 31st is her nineteenth birthday. I have to keep reminding myself she's not even twenty yet. I don't want to do anything that's going to make her feel like she has to grow up quickly. I want to wait at least until she graduates university." I didn't know for sure what I was listening to, but I had a good idea. I wasn't entirely surprised, but the situation also didn't feel real.
"She has another three years before she graduates. You almost asked her last night, and you think you can wait that long?" Though Kota's voice was quiet, his laugh was boisterous. "You can ask her and then wait to plan anything until after she graduates. At least then you'll know for sure." There was a pause in the conversation, then Kota's voice sounded again. "You're actually crazy about her, aren't you?"
I heard Aki laugh. "If it's possible, I love her more than I loved Masami."
"God rest her soul." Kota said, and I realized Masami must have been Aki's previous girlfriend who had passed away. I knew nothing about her, not even her name, as Aki was always hesitant to talk about her with me. "You went through Hell with her. You don't do that for just anyone."
Suddenly afraid I was taking too long in the bedroom, I hurriedly finished laying out the futon and rejoined them in the kitchen. "I laid out a futon for you, Kota." I said, to announce my presence. "There's another one in the closet for Hiro, but he'll have to decide where he wants it." The two looked hard at me as I entered the room, staring, and I felt the tension rise in the atmosphere. I stopped in my tracks, expecting to have to act like I didn't hear anything, but their stares truly did catch me off guard. "What? I can put the futon back if you didn't want to use it."
By the time Aki, Kota, and I had prepared dinner, everyone had arrived. I greeted Fuji first, then Hiro, and showed them each where to put their bags and suitcases and where they would be sleeping. Kota helped me set up the kotatsu table where we set out the dinner ware, the blanket, and the heater. Aki's house was warm, but sitting at the table with the heater underneath to eat dinner as a family was a welcome sentiment. I had so seamlessly been welcomed into Guardian, that I really did see each of them as my family members. I had spent some time alone after my parents had moved overseas, and I felt for the first time since I could remember, a sense of belonging like I truly fit in with those people.
Aki was the last to sit down after all the food had been brought to the table, and he set a small bottle of sake in the middle. We had prepared simple dishes; rice, steamed vegetables, grilled meat. Aki sat beside me, so close that our hips and legs touched, and he slid his hand under the table to give my thigh a comforting squeeze. He poured sake for each of us, passing small porcelain cups around the table, and I took the bottle from him to pour for him last.
He held up his cup. "Thanks for coming, guys. I always look forward to spending Christmas with us all together in this house. Even though we spend basically every day together anyway, Guardian is successful because we really are a family. And now that Natsuko is here with us as well, it's a more complete family." He reach his arm around my shoulders, pulling me cozily against his body. "At least for me. Sorry, I'm not sharing."
We said a 'Kanpai' and had a sip of sake all together. "We're all glad you're here, Natsuko, even if you belong to only one of us." Kota said. "Aki says the same thing every year. This has been our tradition since Guardian started, Christmas all together at Aki's house."
"I feel honoured to be invited into the tradition." I said. "Here's a question for you all though. I realize you all have lives that you've been living long before I came into the picture. I've spent the past eight months living with you and I actually only know you all by your stage names."
"That's information the public doesn't know." Kota said. "Except for Aki. His full name was leaked to the public almost immediately after Guardian came into the scene." He held his hand out to me, and I took it in a sort of mock hand shake. "I'm Sasaki Kotaro."
Fuji held his hand out to me in the same way. "Fujiwara Kenji." He said.
Hiro followed suit. "Hiroshi Ren."
Aki held his hand out to me, but instead of taking it as I did the others, I looked at him, confused. "Hasegawa Akira." He said with a smile.
I laughed, and took his hand, finally understanding his joke. "Nice to meet you, Hasegawa-san."
After dinner, Hiro and I washed the dishes in the kitchen while the rest of them sat around the table with Aki's acoustic guitar, playing songs softly and chatting lightly about a verse or a tune. Fuji held the guitar to strum, and occasionally tapped the wood in different patterns with his palms and fingers to mimic drums. I was excited for the chance to talk to Hiro, as I felt like I hardly knew him at all.
"You guys do this at Christmas every year?" I asked him, as he handed me one dish after another to dry and put away.
"Every year." He said. "We started to all get together when we started Guardian, and started taking it a little more seriously right after Masami passed. You know about her, don't you?"
I nodded, trying to put the emotion I felt into it. "Aki told me a lot, but he also doesn't like to talk about her."
"Christmas is usually a time for couples around here, so when she was still here, it was always just her and Aki. The rest of us had girlfriends here and there, but never anything serious like they were." Hiro stopped washing, and for a moment just stood with his hands idle in the sink, looking up in thought. "The first Christmas she wasn't around, we all just showed up here to be with Aki. It's nice that we're all here again, and he's got you now."
"I wouldn't want to spend Christmas any other way than with all of us together." I said. "I have Aki all to myself often, and he really needs this time with you guys to just be friends together instead of working."
Somehow, we left the kitchen to rejoin the table, and I felt like I knew nothing more about Hiro than before. Each member of Guardian had a way of speaking to me only about Aki, and I realized it was because of how important he was to them. I had witnessed how much talent and skill Aki brought to Guardian as a band, and as a musician, an artist. During the time we spent together during the break, I hoped I would witness just how much care Aki put into being a friend as well.
He was sitting with his legs crossed, and moved himself away from the table slightly, patting his thigh to invite me to sit with him as Hiro and I got comfortable again. I sat with my back against Aki's chest, my legs stretched straight so I could tuck my feet under the blanket to keep warm, and Aki held me against him with strength that gave me a feeling of security. Fuji started playing another soft tune, and Aki began humming. I could feel his chest rise and fall at my back with every breath he took, and I felt his muscles tense when he used his voice. I took notice of all the little cues he made with his body as he held me and sung, so that I could analyze where his power came from, and use what I learned for myself. I absorbed more knowledge about music just sitting in the embrace of my lover while he sang than I felt I did an entire semester of university.
Fuji stopped strumming the guitar. "Tomorrow, Winter Festival." Fuji said. "And I want to get breakfast together at that little cafe beside the shrine." Everyone made a sound of agreement.
I looked at my phone screen for the time, and realized it was near midnight. I had been so relaxed listening to the impromptu songs the band was playing, I hadn't paid any attention to how much time had passed. "Goodnight, everyone, I'm going to bed. Sounds like we have a busy day tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it." I said, standing, but Aki held my hand.
"I'll take you to bed." He said, standing with me. He pointed firmly at Kota. "Are you okay?"
Kota just laughed. "Yes, Aki, I'm perfectly fine."