I woke late into the night to Aki stirring beside me. He leaned over to kiss my forehead when he realized that I had woken up. "I'm just going to make tea, I'll be right back. Go back to sleep." He had half whispered in his low tone, and the sound of his voice had soothed me right back to sleep. I wasn't sure how much time had passed before I was woken again by the sound of his voice. I blinked a few times in the darkness to clear my mind and listened.
"I don't want her to end up being traumatized by these things and being scared of being independent." Aki's voice was coming from the living room. It was firm, but hushed, trying to be quiet.
"What about your trauma, Aki?" Kota's voice joined him. "There's a lot of stuff you just haven't dealt with yet, and I can see you're triggered by her."
"I'm not triggered by her, she just brings back memories of certain situations. But I'm not traumatized by those memories. It was a huge part of my life, and I'm not planning on forgetting it, just moving on from it."
"Experiencing these things with her should be helping you move on from it, but it's not. I can see that." Kota's voice began to sound as though he was pleading. "It's making you more and more afraid of losing her."
I realized the 'her' they were talking about was me. "That's ridiculous, Kota." Aki said. "I know she's not going anywhere."
"But she's being bullied a lot. At school, and now even just when she's trying to enjoy her day out. She could get hurt, or she could get tired of it and break up with you. I know you're worried about those things even if you're fooling yourself into thinking that you're not."
I could hear by the tone of Kota's voice that he was trying to taunt a confession out of Aki, but as I listened I began to get angry at his accusations. "What do you want me to do about it? I've already gone public, she's been on stage with us. There's no taking it back now. I can't be with her every second to make sure she's not getting bullied. All I can do is teach her how to protect herself."
"How do you plan to do that, teach her how to fight?"
"I've already talked to her about it." Aki sounded defeated under Kota's pressure. "Do you have a better idea?"
There was a moment of silence before Kota spoke. "Not right now."
I heard soft footsteps and realized Aki was making his way back to the bedroom. I closed my eyes, pretending to have been asleep the whole time as he slowly slid the door closed, trying to be quiet. In the darkness of the room I saw him light his way past the bed with the screen of his phone, and he switched on the light in the shower. It was a warm, low light, and from the bed looked as if he had lit a single candle. I watched him in the darkness as he crawled back onto the bed from the foot, holding a mug, which he placed on his bedside table. When he slid back under the covers, I felt the soft material of his sweatpants against my bare leg. I turned my head to look over my shoulder at him.
"Sorry, I was trying not to bounce around too much." He said, laying on his side.
I turned to face him, reaching to touch his face, letting my fingers travel through his hair. I felt his hand on the low curve of my back, pulling us closer together. I hadn't planned on mentioning that I heard the conversation he had with Kota, but when I saw the complacency in his eyes I felt the need to reassure him. "I don't want to break up with you, ever. I love you too much."
He smiled, averting his eyes from mine in what I could tell was embarrassment. "You heard us."
"I was completely eavesdropping but I didn't mean to." I let my fingertips skim down his back and matched the way he held me close against him there. I tucked my fingers just under the waistband of his sweatpants to feel more of the warmth of his skin. "What did Kota mean when he said you have trauma?"
He took a deep breath. "Watching someone you love fade away before your eyes does that." He said. "I don't consider myself a broken man, especially not now, but I would be lying if I said experiencing the small things in life over again with someone new didn't bring back memories."
"I'm experiencing all these things for the first time. You're experiencing all theses things for the first time with me. It's not so different."
"It's true I really don't know what to do about you getting bullied though." His eyes became intense. "I shouldn't have gone public."
I pressed the tips of my fingers into the skin at the small of his back, trying to hold on to him tighter. "Aki no, I'm glad you did. If you wanted me to stay hidden from the public, I never would have been able to sing with you. That is more important to me. It means so much to me for us to be able to sing together."
He smiled softly, shifting his body closer at my touch. "We still would have been able to sing together. No one else would have known though."
We were silent for a while, and I listened as Aki's breathing became deeper and his eyes started to close. I gracelessly leaned away to peel my shirt over my head, then returned to my position. I moved close again, our hips pressed together, Aki's hand still firmly planted on my back. I tucked my fingertips back into the waistband of his sweatpants. They had been low on his hips, and my fingers rested in the upward curve of his tailbone.
He let out a sigh of a laugh. "We can't get any closer." He said, amused at the way I pressed myself against him.
"I think we can." I said, biting the corner of my lip.
The morning of Christmas eve, I woke to the soft strumming of a guitar from the main room, and the smell of coffee. Aki was still asleep beside me, but as I stirred, he woke. His eyes looked heavy, as if he was having a battle to keep them open, and I settled back down into the bed to relax a little longer and enjoy the faint music. Aki moved close, pressing his bare skin against mine, draping an arm over me, and placed his face in the curve of my neck and shoulder. We stayed there for a while, then drifted toward the scent of the coffee together. Kota was in the main room playing Aki's acoustic guitar softly, scribbling on a blank piece of paper with a pencil.
"Good morning, Kota." I said as Aki continued past us in search of the coffee.
"Good morning princess, prince." He said. "I have been having the best sleeps here. I don't want to admit that it might be because Fuji and Hiro are also sleeping in the same room keeping me company."
Aki returned to my side, offering me a mug of coffee. As soon as I took it, he landed heavily on the floor with Kota, sinking into a cushion and holding his mug with two hands to his face. "Kota, if I gave you sheet music, would you be able to play it now?" I asked. Aki's attention was drawn away from his mug.
"Of course I can." Kota said. "It is what I do for a living, after all."
I retrieved a folder of my school work from the bedroom, and handed it to Kota. He took the pages out, looking them over, nodding his head to the silent beat, and looked up at me. "Now?" He asked. He looked at Aki.
"Now." I said with a nod, looking over at Aki as well.
He was sitting with his legs crossed on the cushion, his elbows on his knees supporting both hands as he held his coffee mug. His eyes were closed, but he perked up as he must have felt our eyes on him. He looked rapidly back and forth between us. "What?"
Kota laughed. "What did she do to you last night?" He reached over to pat Aki's thigh in a friendly gesture.
He was met with a knowing smile as Aki cast his gaze toward me, then quickly back to Kota. "Nothing."
Kota pointed at me, still laughing. "You ready?" I nodded firmly, and he began to play the song from the sheet music.
I closed my eyes to feel the music, and also a little out of embarrassment as I began to sing the lyrics. The song was Aki's Christmas gift, but I didn't bother to take the time to explain beforehand. I knew as he listened, he would understand that I had written the song with great care for him. It had taken me weeks, writing here and there in the studio waiting for Aki to finish work, or at school between classes. I had paid close attention to learning the notes and other inferences on the sheet music to make sure I got everything right for Kota to play it without any explanation. I had written it with Aki's voice in mind, tuning it to his pitch, so that he could sing it himself after I had presented it to him. It was a challenge for me to sing, but I enjoyed the way it sounded. When we finished the song, I opened my eyes to see Aki watching me, an expression of surprise on his face, holding his coffee mug in the air as if he had been trying to take a drink but had stopped midway.
"Merry Christmas, Aki." I said, knowing he had perfectly understood every subtly in my lyrics.
He put his cup down on the table and stood, pulling me with his hands on the backs of my arms just like he would pull me out of a bow every time, into his tight embrace. "Merry Christmas, Natsu." Was all he said.