Some nights I heard her voice when I closed my eyes, stumbling for my name, not quite finding the right syllables, not quite finding me. The silent nights were the worst, they creeped up on me and surrounded me, swallowed me and everything would go dark, all I could hear was the fading sound of the rain drops forming floods outside my window. Sometimes I heard my phone, even when it was not ringing, my mother on the other side just trying to reach me, to hear her little boy's voice one more time before she could never again. Sometimes it was my father, the strongest man I know, crying for his dead wife, tearing himself bare and open like his tears would be the last ingredient to a revival potion to bring her back. But the hardest nights came with the nightmares, different takes of how I imagined she suffered that night while I got wasted when I should have been studying, replayed in my mind, each more vivid than the last. I should have been there to answer her calls and reply to her messages, but I wasn't, and I could never take that back. So on most nights I just stayed awake, lest I drive myself insane.
For the past 3 weeks I had been training myself to use the rage fuelled insomnia to my advantage, so when sleepless nights like this one came, I sat at my table, studied and let the thoughts eat away at my sanity bit by bit. Eventually I would fall asleep with my head buried in my books, but it would be so close to sunrise it was almost insignificant.
Monday morning came bright and warm, the alarm woke me up at 06:55 hrs and I had a Math class at 07hrs. Seeing as this class was at the Vet Lecture Theatre, which is at the far East end of the school, I was already late. So I just changed my clothes, rinsed my mouth and got on my way. When I got there, the class rep announced that the class had been cancelled because the lecturer was unavailable and so we had a free 50 minutes before the next class. I wanted to rest, but I couldn't go far, so I found an uncomfortable bench near the lecture theatre.
Sitting on the cement bench just outside the lecture theatre with my head propped toward the sky, the cold breeze brushed against my skin, as the sun scorched the corner of my cornea. A shadowy figure appeared right above me blocking me from the sunlight, it was Nafisi. The curls of her hair falling along her cheeks as she looked down on me, her usual wide mouth grin painted across her face. She seemed even more beautiful than the last time I saw her.
"Earth to weirdo" she said, held up her book, cleared her throat and read , "Be with me always, take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me in this abyss where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"
"first of all" I said, "you are blocking my glorious supply of vitamin D, and second, why are you quoting Heathcliff's prayer to me?"
"This is insane, he is literally begging her to haunt him!" She said, with so much excitement in her voice, "Do you hear that? This man was so in love, he would rather have had her as a ghost than not at all. That has got to be some kind of royal class of sick."
"All great loves are characterized by a little madness. If a person were lucky enough to find their soulmate, and this would take an enormous amount of luck by the way, I would imagine they would do anything to have that forever. Heathcliff is just another man in love, men in love have said crazier things."
"That is such bullshit"
"You don't believe in soulmates Nafisi Bulayo?"
"Let's say I did. If they were truly soulmates, why would she marry Edgar? Doesn't make sense."
"Well, love doesn't always make sense. She wanted the social status and money, she thought she could help Heathcliff if anything. Say what you will, but she was right, their souls were so similar they were almost the same person. Just because the physical world has no place for love like that, doesn't mean love like that doesn't exist."
She stood there, staring at me and smiling widely for a moment. " Well well well" she said, "look who believes in soulmates. Mr. Doom and gloom himself. Come on, let's get you some food and a toothbrush."
"I've eaten"
"Tell that to your dry lips and morning breath. Come on, it's my treat."
She didn't wait for me to get up, she just started walking. I followed her. I did not know her, we had no history, but something about every conversation with her felt right, like walking down a familiar path.
She led me to Mugg and Bean at East park mall, where she bought 4 muffins and 2 cups of coffee. When we were served, she motioned for the exit, I followed her straight through the door carrying the bag of muffins and my cup of coffee. She went into shoprite which was directly opposite Mugg and Bean, where she bought a new toothbrush.
"That is very funny" I said
"Oh you thought I was joking? Just do us all a favour and keep your mask up." she smiled underneath her face mask, I could tell it was wide by how narrow, almost shut, her eyes got.
We walked back into school, this was the first time I noticed that she walked with a sort of a limp, leaning more on her left leg, it was almost unnoticeable. She walked carelessly too, stepping in puddles like she couldn't see them or just did not care altogether, the white Chuck tailors on her feet were now brown from all the mud.
"Why do you walk like that?" I asked her.
"My right leg is shorter than my left leg. Just one of my deformities"
"I meant why do you walk like you're blind, you've stepped in literally every puddle we've come across."
"Oh. That. Well I'm just too lazy to move and so are the puddles." She said and laughed to herself. With her voice, she had the roughest laughter I have ever heard, like someone was choking her, but it also came with the brightest smile I had ever seen.
When we got into school she took a right turn to the ruins, the first hostel right next to the wall that separates East park and UNZA. We went up the fire escape until we reached the roof top. She's gonna kill me, I thought, she is a psychopath and her plan was to lure me here with food and then kill me. She sat at the edge and gestured toward the space right next to her, so I sat down.
"This is my favourite place in this school" she said, "It's quiet, the view is beautiful and no one can hear me scream."
"Why would you be screaming?" I asked.
"For whatever reasons man has to scream, Nyumbani."
She smiled and started eating. For the next 10 minutes we ate our muffins and drunk coffee in silence. I wondered what she was thinking about. I wondered what she meant by "one of my deformities". What other deformities could she have possibly had? Was she sick? Was that why she was crying yesterday? Was it okay for me to ask? I had just realised how little I knew about this girl, where is she from? What's her life? And why was it so easy for me to talk to her? Ever since I got back to school, I only talked to people when it was absolutely necessary, I had lost all my friends, more like pushed them away because I wanted to be alone, but I had no problem being with her.
"So, back to my question, which you have been avoiding since we met, why are you sad?" she said, breaking the silence between us.
"What makes you think I'm sad?" I replied.
"You're always avoiding the uncomfortable questions huh?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Fine, here's an easier one for you; Why do you believe in soulmates? You seem like a logical person, why would you believe in a concept constructed on a mythical premise?"
"I thought you believe in deep love"
"I believe in love of course, I believe we meet people and fall in love based on certain traits that we deem desirable. What I don't believe is that there is one person out there, somewhere, just roaming the universe, who was specifically designed for you."
She was right, there is no logical way to prove that people can have soulmates, that people can be destined for each other.
"When I was younger" I said, clutching the cup of coffee between my thighs for warmth, because the weather had started getting colder now. "My mother would tell me lots of stories, she got so good at telling them, sometimes I couldn't tell the difference between the ones she made up and the ones that were true. She told me this story of a man and a woman who were born at a time we cannot know today, long ago. They met and they fell deeply in love, they found in each other the pieces missing in their own souls, but alas, they had a curse.
"You see, they loved each other so much and so deeply, that they never wanted to be apart, they wanted to be together forever. Now, the woman's sister was a witch, so the two went to her and begged her to grant them immortality, they said they would pay any price to be together for eternity. What they did not know, was that the sister had been in love with the man too, and she was so jealous of the love that they had. So she gave them the immortality they craved, but added a punishment to it.
"She made sure that each time the two died, their souls would be reincarnated in different bodies, with no recollection of their past lives. Despite all her efforts, the curse did not keep them apart. in each new life they were reborn, the love between them was so strong that it would always bring them back together one way or the other, but the sister had expected this to happen, so she made it so that each time they found each other and fell in love, they died, and their souls were sent away again, to rediscover each other in a next life. That cycle continues to today. In every life time, their souls find a home in each other, right before they are torn apart, and the journey continues."
She looked at me with a puzzled face for a while. "So now you believe in witchcraft too?" she said.
"I could say that is the reason I believe in soulmates" I continued, "that my young mind believed that story and the idea of soulmates has been stitched into me ever since, but I would be lying.
"My mother met my stepfather 3 years ago, and trust me, if you don't believe in soulmates, spending 5 minutes with those two would change your mind. She died Last year."
"I'm so sorry Nyumbani"
"Me too. So anyways, maybe soulmates don't exist, or maybe the concept is only lost to us because that story is true of all soulmates, maybe the only people who can prove it to us are already dead."
"That actually makes some sort of dumb sense" she replied, "Anthony and Cleopatra, Jack and Rose, Romeo and Juliet... I mean, the list goes on. They all fell in love so fast, and were torn apart almost just as fast."
"Yeah, might be mostly made of fictional characters, but I think it's a valid hypothesis".
We both laughed.
She took my left hand and smiled calmly, her dimples digging trenches into her face. The wind blowing her curled hair into her eyes and her brushing it back with her fingers.
"Thank you." She said.
"For what?" I asked
"That is the first thing you have shared about yourself with me. You don't look like you enjoy sharing. So thank you."
Her eyes were the widest I had ever seen them, her smile was big enough to make you smile even if you did not want to, she was beautiful. I moved closer to her, so close I could feel her breath change as I did, short and warm breaths on my left cheek.
I did not say anything else, neither did she. In that moment, we did not care that we were 20 minutes late for our BIO1400 class, or that droplets of rain were starting to fall, or even that my breath still stunk. In that moment we were just present, and for the first time in a long time, I was almost happy. I almost forgot what that felt like. Nafisi Bulayo reminded what that felt like.