I still cried. I was still haunted by the nightmares and I still blamed myself. If I could, I would have wrestled time and forced it to walk backwards, I would have wrestled fate and forced it to bargain for her life. Because without her, my whole life felt empty, it felt like midnight, dark and cold, and everyone was sound asleep, while my soul was screaming.
It doesn't take the whole day to recognise sunlight, the moment morning strikes it's hard not to notice it. I felt like I did not deserve light, happiness felt like betrayal, because how could I be happy without her?
It had been three weeks now since I met Nafisi, I saw her in every class, we would talk briefly after the classes, but not for long, just short conversations. I could tell she wanted us to talk more, she would call and text at every chance she got.
"Nyumbani!" she called out after our PHY1015 class on Monday morning, I looked back and saw her running in my direction. "Hey, so there's this concert or party kind of thing that'll be happening at East park this Friday, it should be very boring, I was hoping you'd come with me and... make it a little more boring."
"I don't think so, I'm sorry" I told her.
"Come on, you got a meeting with your vampire clan or something?"
"Look Nafisi, I see what you're doing here, you see a broken little thing in me and you have this fantasy that you can fix it, but I don't need your help! I've been fine, and I will be fine by myself. I'm not trying to make any friends and I don't want any friends, you're a pretty girl, I'm sure you can find another broken boy to bother."
I looked back as I was walking away from her, she wasn't smiling anymore, she stood there for a while, just holding her books and looking at the ground with so much concentration. Part of me felt bad, but I knew it was for the best, I wasn't in the right head space for friends, and I didn't know if I ever would be.
She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, no call, no text, not even a wave. I guess she got the message, and I got what I wanted. But somehow I knew this was not the end of us, it just did not feel like an end. I just knew.
I hadn't called my father once since I came to Lusaka. We kept in touch mostly through text messages and WhatsApp, whenever he would send some money or had questions relating to school, which was about the entirety of our conversational topic selection. So later that day I decided to give him a call, I don't know what it was, maybe I missed him, or just missed the feeling of calling home, it hadn't been the same since...
"Hello" said my father's croaking deep voice, I always thought he'd make a great voice over artist for DSTV commercials, or the voice of Mufasa in the lion king.
"Hi dad, how are you?" I said
"I'm good sonny, how are you doing?"
"I'm alright thank you"
"Its been a while talking ey, it's good to hear your voice, how's everything going?"
"So far so good I guess, it's better than I expected"
"That's good to hear my boy. Do you need some money?"
"No I just called to check on you, see how you're doing..."
"Well it's definitely been hard without your mother...but... uhm... I uh... I think... I think I'm managing". He said this in a low voice, slowly, like he was picking every word. There was a moment of silence, which was then broken by snuffling sounds from my father, he must have been crying.
"I miss her... I...I..." he said in more of a mumble of words
"I know dad... I miss her too."
I kept quiet and listened to him cry on the line for moment, I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, all that anger, rage and grief came flooding back in. I was about to self-destruct.
"I have to go dad", I said, fighting my voice from shaking
"Thank you for calling son, it really warms my heart..."
"Goodbye". I hung up, wiped the tears off my face and collapsed into my bed.
I received a WhatsApp message from Dad, it was a video, of mom and I in the kitchen. I was seated on the fridge, which she told me not to sit on so many times, she was teaching me how to make munkoyo, which she had taught me almost as many times as she told me not to sit on the fridge. She was singing a song she wrote when I was a child, she called it "Ndinawe", which means "I am with you".
I felt an ache in my chest, I felt actual physical pain in my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack, but no, that was only the feeling of my heart breaking all over again.
***
When I closed my eyes all I could see was my mother, cooking munkoyo and singing in the kitchen. She had one of the most beautiful voices I had ever heard. I asked her once why she never ventured into music as a career, because she wrote and sang these beautiful songs.
"Well" she said, "when I was in nursing school, I would sing all the time, at church and at a few events that people would invite me to. When I wrote music, I felt this sensation in my chest, and my fingers would tingle, that's how I would know that I am on the verge of a good song. I could really see myself being an actual musician, but then I was given... a gift. I was given you, my little Nyum Nyum, and I remember how magical it felt; the sensation in my chest, the tingling in my fingers, how your eyes would sparkle when I sung to you. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before, and in that moment, I knew, that I was on the verge of greatness."
"So, you gave up on your dreams because of me?"
"For so long I thought my dream was to become a musician, I sometimes got the feeling that there was more to it than that. It was never really clear until I got you, my dream, baby, was to make music, and when you came into my life, the music never stopped, I felt like my soul was finally home. That's why I named you Nyumbani, my home. Because of you, I am living my dream."
I lost more than just a mother the night she died, she was my best friend, she was my whole world. Everything beautiful that happened in my life, my mother was always there, giving me a reason to keep doing more. She was my purpose. I would give all I have, to feel her arms around me once more, to comb her long but stubborn curly hair again, to hear her sing me to sleep. I felt so alone.
***
When I woke up it was already morning, Tuesday meant Physics lab sessions and back to back classes up to 18hrs. I already dreaded the day before it began.
I was staring at the morning after pill advertisement poster right above the bathroom mirror, it was handwritten and read "hit it raw, you know who to call…", when the guy standing next to me tapped me on my left arm and gestured for my nose. I looked in the mirror to find blood, running down my nose, thick and red. "I haven't had a nose bleed since I was 12 years old" I thought to myself, trying as hard as I could not to overreact. I washed it off, "it's probably nothing, people have nose bleeds all the time" I kept repeating to myself.
I finished my morning routine, got dressed and carried my lab coat and manual to the Physics department. I found Nafisi standing at the door, wearing a bright yellow head sock and brown safety boots, I've never been much of a fashion nut, but even I knew there was something off about that.
"You're gonna be my lab partner today" she said, with so much enthusiasm in her tone. I could never understand how she was always so full of energy, it was as though she were made of rainbows.
"Good for me?" I replied, and we went in.
Physics was always my least favourite course, and this particular experiment was long and frustrating, but working with Nafisi made it seem like it flew by in seconds. She was funny, and she was smart, she did almost all the work on the experiment because she was also very stubborn.
"You know the whole purpose of a 'lab partner' is so that you have someone to help you with the experiment." I said, teasing her.
"You know what?" she replied, "you're right, let's work like a team. I'll be Isaac Newton and you be the apple." We both chuckled.
Maybe her bright-eyed nature was somewhat contagious, maybe she practised some sort of witchcraft that made everything around her so bright. But something about this girl just made smiling so easy.
"You were wrong by the way" she said, "I don't see a broken little thing in you, I see a million broken little things in you, but I'm not here trying to fix you Nyumbani, only you can do that. There's a billion broken little things in me, so many that along the way I may have lost a few pieces, pieces that you have thousands of to spare, even if you don't see it. Call me selfish, but I was hoping I could take some of those pieces for myself. I just wanted to let you know that I get it, believe me I know all about the need to be alone, and if that's what you need, I'll leave you alone."
Nafisi had this sort of nature that made a room go bright, like she always moved with sunlight tucked in her pockets, she was the perfect example of "even the brightest things, are hiding shadows somewhere", something my mother used to say. Maybe I needed a little sunshine in my life, maybe I needed a few pieces from her too.
"Concert or party kind of thing on Friday sounds good." I said, and she smiled.
After the lab session, which ended at 12:00hrs, we had a PHY1015 class at 13hrs, which meant no time for lunch. We made our way to the lecture theatre and sat next to each other. The class was an hour long and immediately after we had a DME class, followed by CHE1010 at 16hrs and finally MAT at 17hrs. I hadn't spent this much time with anyone since last year. We spent most of the day laughing and talking, learning about her was like reading a book you never want to end, you don't want to turn to the next page because it brings you closer to the end, but oh my, do you want to know what happens next!
After our last class at 18hrs, I was exhausted and hungry. We made our way out of the Natural Sciences Lecture Theatre and immediately we were out the doors, Nafisi grabbed my hand and pulled me across the road.
"I am starving, where are you taking me?" I asked, I could hear the exhaustion in my own voice.
"Just follow me" she said, with an intriguingly nefarious look in her eyes.
She took me to the School of Education, apparently there were benches right behind the main building, next to UNZA PRESS. We sat on the first bench, under a pine tree, facing the Great East Road. The space was large, I had seen it multiple times while exiting UNZA, but never from this angle. The sunset light made the wet grass and wet leaves on the trees sparkle, I never knew this place could look this beautiful.
She opened her bag and took out a lunch box and juice bottle.
"I always come with packed lunch" she said, "saving on transport and lunch money."
"You don't live in school?" I asked, while it dawned on me just how little I knew about this girl. I had spent all this time with her and I didn't even know where she lived, as a matter of fact, I knew nothing about her family, every time I asked she just changed the topic.
"No I don't" she said with a slight chuckle, "Accommodation is quite hard to find on campus. I live in kabulonga with my father."
"Just your father?"
"Yeah, my mother died when I was still baby. I never knew her."
I had learned to be alone in the past few months, it was easy, all I had to worry about was myself. I never expected someone to walk into my life so soon and I certainly was not prepared for it. And therein lies the absurdity of it all, that life does not give you the time to prepare for it, it barges in and forces you to live it.
"I'm so sorry Nafisi." I said, knowing nothing else I could say.
She looked at me, smiled with her watery dark eyes and said, "Me too."
We were quiet for a moment, then she wiped the tears off her face and looked at me again.
"The pain of losing a mother at that age doesn't feel like you miss her in your life, it feels more like a piece of your life is missing, it feels like missing something you never had. It's everything she is not here to protect you from that haunts you the most." she said, tears falling delicately down her round cheeks.
I could not feel her pain, but I felt pain for her.
"Losing a mother at this age feels very similar" I replied.
She opened the lunch box and gave me half of a chicken sandwich. "There's only one bottle of juice" I said
"Then I guess we are going to have to share body fluids Nyumbani" she said, and laughed.
We chewed on our food in silence, looking at the wide field of grass and trees illuminated by the setting sun.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" I said.
"This sandwich right? Yeah, I'm a freaking genius" she replied. We both laughed.
She started to hum faintly as we sat there, I recognized the tune she was humming, but I couldn't quite make it out. I was so sure I had heard the song, somewhere.
"What the hell are you humming?" I said with a slight chuckle, she giggled and started to sing the chorus. And there it was, the song I had heard an annoying amount of times before.
"...strumming my pain with her fingers
Singing my life with her words
Killing me softly with her
Killing me softly... with her song
Telling my whole life with her words
Killing me softly, with her song..."
Her voice was nothing I had expected or could have possibly prepared myself for, it was as though a whole different person was singing within her and it was beautiful. If I could trace, or maybe map out all the amazing things I learned about her, the line would not start or end here, but there would be a big red dot right there. She had the voice of an angel.
"Oh my God" I said with an enormous amount of laughter, "is that Frank Sinatra?"
"Hey stop laughing" she said, while laughing herself "Frank Sinatra is a legend, and Killing me softly is one of his finest pieces of work. It's blasphemy to laugh at mastery."
"Okay, alright. I must have heard that song every morning growing up. My mother loved it."
"Your mother sounds amazing."
"She was... I never knew you could sing."
She put her forefinger on her lips and shushed, "I haven't sang in front of anyone for ages, so don't go telling the world I can sing."
"Right, like you and I know other people."
"Hey speak for yourself", she chuckled, "I happen to have been very popular back in the day."
We were quiet for a moment, I couldn't stop looking at her, the light from the sunset did to her exactly what it did to the scenery, only a thousand times more beautiful.
We sat under the tree for almost an hour, the sun had set and it was dark now. It was getting cold too and little drops of rain had started to fall.
"Should we go?" I asked her, noticing that she had started to shiver a little.
"No wait, night time is my favourite part" she said, "Look at the road, look at the fast cars cruising by."
"They're too fast and it's too dark, and there's too many trees. I just see their lights"
"Exactly, behind those trees it just looks like a beautiful pool of light streaks, in all this darkness. I know it sounds dumb but sometimes I imagine they are shooting stars, just flying by, and here I am seated this close to them, if only I could catch one, I'd make a million wishes. Or just one wish, but worth a million."
"Let's try" I said
"Are you high? Those are cars"
"Use your imagination. I'll race you." I said and started to run across the field.
Rain drops falling on my face, and into my eyes, I could barely see where I was going. I looked back and there she was, with the widest smile I had ever seen, laughing and trying to catch up with me but I was way ahead of her. I stopped in the middle of the field to wait for her, she came running and screaming at the top of her voice, she jumped on me and I lifted her, spun her around and put her down. She laughed so hard, we both did. Both of us panting and breathing heavily, I held her, close and tight, her head sock had fallen off and now her hair fell across her face, she brushed it behind her ears with her fingers and looked up at me, she smiled. I could not pull my eyes away from hers.
"I think I caught one" I said, leaned in so close to her face that our skin was almost touching, just almost. The rain water fell our across our faces, and her breathing got deeper. I could feel her breath on my lips. It was a sensation like none I had ever felt before, there was a tingle in my fingers. It felt like… music. Like the universe had been conspiring for ages just to bring us to this moment, this major point in time and space, and just as our lips were a single movement away from each other, she flinched at the sound of thunder and her face fell into my chest. Like the universe had changed it's mind.
The rain started to get heavier, so I took off my denim coat and put it around her. We ran back to the bench, got our bags and ran to the front of the building to wait for the rain reduce. We stood at the entrance of the School of Education, under a yellow light, our clothes were wet and it was freezing, but I don't remember caring. We were quiet for a while, my right arm around her, while she grasped my chest like she was falling.
I did not know why this girl walked into my life, or why out of 327 people, she chose to approach the broken looking thing, but in that moment I could feel her becoming a part of my life, a big part. As we stood there I couldn't help but think "If I could catch a shooting star for real, I would probably wish for my mother back, I would wish to have been with her the day she died, I would wish she had never gotten sick to begin with. I would wish she had lived long enough to meet Nafisi, my mother would have loved this girl".
The rain only seemed to be getting worse.
"I don't think you're gonna make it to Kabulonga my friend" I said, and we both laughed.
"I can spend the night at my friend's place, she sleeps in Kafue hostel, block 2, room 21." She said.
"Alright, that's near my hostel, let's go."
I put the coat over her head and we ran into the rain, using the path along UNZA KISS, passed the post office, and made our way along the long and rough pavement that leads to the October office, until we were finally at Kafue hostel. I took her up to the room and knocked, her friend came out.
"Oh my goodness, Nana, mwachoka kuti?" she said, obviously surprised to find two soaking wet people standing outside her door at 20hrs.
"It's a long story, I'll explain later" said Nafisi, "can I spend the night here?"
"Of course, come in, and your friend?"
"Oh this is Nyumbani. Nyumbani this is Bethany, an old friend of mine."
"Hi, pleasure to meet you Bethany", I said
"Likewise", she replied
"Don't worry, Nyumbani has his own place to spend the night", said Nafisi.
"That I do", I replied, "Goodnight 'Nana'" I said teasingly.
"Just shut up and leave." She said and laughed, I chuckled, and she closed the door.
When I got to my room I was already exhausted, after taking a shower I went straight to bed. I found a text from Nafisi.
"Made your wish?"
"Not yet, I think I'm gonna save it"
"Waste it not my friend."
I couldn't stop myself from smiling, the mark of a good day, those were hard to come by. I thought about my mother, and for the first time not in a way that tore me to pieces, I thought of everything beautiful about my mother and I smiled.
I drifted into sleep, with tears falling down the corners of both my eyes, and a smile stapled to my face.