Emotions are an odd thing to remember, because you remember it with your whole body. You relive the moment, every palpitation, every drop of sweat and every tear that left your eyes is felt, as fully, and vividly as it did that day.
I remember the night my mother died in detail, down to every breath, every thought, and every emotions. I remember how my skin felt cold when my father told me, I remember the calm right before my world fell apart, and I remember the pain in my chest most clearly, because it never went away.
Sometimes I wonder if she had known, if she had even the slightest feeling that she would not live past that night, that this would be the last star filled sky she would ever see, and I get scared for her. I cry the way she should have. What would her last words have been, if she knew they were?
I was seated on the edge of my cousin's bed, with my eyes holding back a river of tears, and fixed on the screen of my phone. I've read this message a thousand times and I probably will read it a thousand more, the message my mother sent to me the night she died. I have spelt over every syllable, every phrase and every sentence a thousand times, searching for... something, anything, a secret code, hidden meaning, anything to tell me what she was feeling that night, what she went through, and if she ever forgave me for not being there.
"Hey baby boy, how's my little Nyumnyum doing? I was calling you earlier, I forgot you told me you have a group discussion tonight, sorry for disturbing. I just wanted someone to complain to, I had a long day at work and your father is already asleep. Lol, all the men in my life have abandoned me today. Anyway study hard my love, I'm so proud of you. You'll probably find me asleep by the time you'll be done, so goodnight in advance. Don't forget to wear socks. Oh and call your father tomorrow, he feels nice when you do and I want to ask him for money so it would help if you put him in a good mood kikikikiki."
I feel everything from that night today like not a day had gone by. My life will never be the same without her.
Brian walked into the room and found me wiping tears off my face, I could see he wanted to say something, basically anything to make everything better.
"Don't." I said before he could say anything, "I'm good."
"Okay." He said, Brian was an idiot most of the time, but he was a true brother when it mattered most, "So its Friday, why don't we go find ourselves someone, I mean something nice to do." We both laughed.
"I actually have something in mind" I replied.
"This is new, but I swear Mbani if you take us to a poetry reading or some crap like that, I will murder you."
"Shut up, no, there's this concert kind of thing happening at East park tonight. Let's check it out."
"That actually sounds cool, I'm in. We'll leave around 19hrs."
"Cool."
I needed a distraction, this night more than ever. The thoughts running through my mind that night were restless, so I decided I would drown them all.
At about half past 19 we set off for East park, like two hooligans searching for the most ridiculous way to run from our sorrows. When we got there, the place was already filled with people, the show was staged at the parking lot right in front of Dacapo, there were hundreds of people all drunk and dancing, and a famous DJ on stage. This night started to feel familiar, it started to feel like my life before the trauma and the nightmares, and I loved it. We started to drink the moment we got there, we met a few of Brian's friends and decided to join them. I couldn't hear a thing in that crowd, except the music and a hundred voices having the time of their lives, I hadn't known just how much I missed this.
It was almost midnight now, and the party was more alive than ever. I wasn't drunk, but I was most definitely not sober either. I left the crowd to look for the toilets, I used the ones directly across the shoprite entrance. When I was coming I saw Mbamwabi and Luyando, they seemed to be having a heated conversation, I did not want to talk to either of them, I was in a good mood and I did not want to ruin that. So I looked the other way and kept walking. But then I heard Luyando scream, I looked back and she was on the ground. So I turned back and went toward them.
"Wawi what the hell! What's going on?" I said as I helped Lu back to her feet.
"This is none of your business man, just leave." Said Wawi. He was clearly drunk, and I could see in Luyando's eyes that she was scared, and I was not going to leave her.
"Fine, I'm leaving, but Lu's coming with me."
"Lu if you go with him then never come back."
Luyando grasped my arm, and we walked out together.
"Fine! Leave!" he shouted as we walked away, "I don't need any of you! You will come back Luyando! You always do!" Followed by a series of cursing.
"Are you okay?" I asked Lu when we were outside, standing at the entrance to Dacapo.
"Yeah I'm okay, I just didn't think he'd be this much of a jerk. He's usually very good to me."
"Yeah, well, Wawi has his moments I guess."
"Yeah." She was quiet for a moment.
"I saw you arguing for a moment there, what was that about?" I asked.
"You won't believe it."
"Try me."
"I caught him cheating" she laughed as she said it, "he was kissing some girl in Dacapo and I found them. This is funny explaining it to you, I guess karma really is a bitch."
I took off my coat and wrapped it around her, "karma had nothing to do with it" I told her, "Wawi is just a dick."
"Thank you Mbani, for everything, you were always a good friend to me and I abandoned you when you needed me most."
"I abandoned myself. I had never known a life without my mother, I never knew who I was without her and I don't know if I ever will, but I understand now that I have no one to blame but myself for being alone, because there are so many people around me who love me, I choose to run."
She looked me in my eyes as I said this, she held my chest gently, "maybe you should stop running." She said softly and pulled on my shirt, I did not pull away, I don't know if I wanted to, but I kissed her.
There are these moments in life that we only look at in hindsight, because that is the only way we can look at them. Maybe because in the moments, there was no way we would have known how to control them even if we saw them. Tipping points, little significant happenings that could not be traced, like you don't know which bottle caused the liver failure, but you know it was beer. You don't know which decision led to the accident, or which hurtful word led to the last goodbye. Each one of us has probably said "I wish I had known." But even if you had known, do you really think that would have made much of a difference? Because you knew that alcohol causes liver damage, they told you, but you kept drinking. You knew that these decisions could lead to bad results but you kept making them, and you knew that hurtful words drive people away, but you said them anyway. There's a lot most of us would want to change, but given the chance, would we really have changed anything?
"Nyumbani?" said the soft familiar voice of Nafisi, while my lips were still on Lu's. I turned to face her, and she turned to leave. Tipping point.
I spent the remainder of that night searching for her, she disappeared into the crowd and I couldn't find her. She was gone. I ran into school, hoping I could find her there, I checked Beth's room, I checked the field and the roof top, all the places I could have thought of, but she wasn't in any of them. I could not lose her again, not this time. She wasn't picking up my calls, so I called Beth, she said she was at the party with Nafisi, she was the one who called her there because she saw me and she knew how much Nafisi wanted to see me, but she lost her after she came looking for me. I pleaded with Beth to tell me where she thinks Nafisi could have gone, she said she didn't know, but she promised she would take me to her place the next day, so I just went to my room.
At around 05hrs, as I sat on my bed, thinking of all the things I would say to Nafisi if she walked through my door, I got a call from Brian.
"Bro where are you?" he said.
"I'm in school, in my room."
"Alright, the party is over, I can't drive home, so I'm coming to your room. I'll just leave the car here."
"Alright man."
Brian spent the night in my room, when I finally managed to fall asleep it was already six in the morning. I woke up at 11hrs, Brian was still asleep. I took a shower, changed, grabbed Brian's car keys and went to Beth's room. She was up and doing her laundry when I got there.
"Let's go." I said
"Can I at least change?"
"Fine."
She went into her room and changed. My hands were shaking, there was only a single thought on my mind and that thought had round cheeks and nice hair. We walked to East park and found Brian's car right where we had left it. We drove all the way to Kabulonga.
"Nyumbani, there's a lot you don't know about Nafisi's life" she said , breaking the silence in the car, "if you really do care about her, I suggest you start to learn her, and I mean truly learn her. We're here, turn left at the black gate, you'll have to go in alone."
I knocked on the door three times, after the third she came out. She wore a chitenge wrapper, white socks and a big pink long sleeved shirt.
"Nyumbani? What the hell are you doing here? You have to leave."
"Nafisi listen, I came to apologize, I don't know wha-"
"Nyumbani I said leave" she cut me off.
"Look I know what it seemed like, but Luyando and I are not-"
"Nyumbani please I'm begging you, go!"
I noticed she kept holding her mouth as she talked, there was a cut on her lips, and when her sleeve slid down I noticed a bruise on her wrist.
"Nafisi what's that? Are you okay?" I asked, she started to drop tears.
"Nyumbani please, I am begging you please, go."
"Nafisi who's at the door!" said her father's voice from inside the house, "Nafisi!" he called again when she didn't respond. He came outside wearing a towel.
"Go inside the house Nafisi." He said
"Dad, he's just-"
"Now young lady!" He barked. I could see the fear in Nafisi's eyes, she was terrified of him.
"I remember you" he continued to say when she left, "you're that boy who came to see her at the clinic. I need you stay away from my daughter young man."
"I'm her friend sir, and I was just a little concerned about her, so I thought I should come and check on her."
"She needn't be any of your concern, I can take care of my daughter and I can assure you she's fine. Now leave, and I don't want to see you anywhere near her again."
He turned and entered the house. When I got back to the car Beth looked so scared, I knew something was not right here, and I was infuriated that no one was telling me anything.