I woke up the next day to the sound of a knock on my door, followed by the voice of a woman asking if she could do my dishes and laundry, she left when she heard no response. I thought of how long it had been since I had a cooked meal in school, there was hardly ever enough time to cook, so I usually just bought food. I decided I'd come cook myself a nice pot of nshima after my last class, which was at 15, I thought maybe Nafisi would also like to join me.
My head was aching, and so were my eyes. I looked down on my pillow and there was blood, it had dried up, I must have been bleeding in my sleep. Again, people get nose bleeds all the time. So I took a couple of painkillers for the head ache and started getting ready for the day.
I felt something in my chest, a sort of tingle, I almost couldn't recognize the feeling of excitement. All I could think about was seeing Nafisi. I passed by UNZA spar to get her a packet of doritos, because I remembered she mentioned that she liked them. UNZA spar has 3 major busy hours, early in the morning, lunch time and in the evening, because apparently this is the time students mostly need food. I managed to wrestle my way through the crowd in the shop and got a big pack of blue doritos. I made my way to Bethany's room and knocked. Bethany came out looking as though she just went to sleep 5 minutes ago.
"Hey, Nyumbani right? How are you?" she said, yawning and looking a little surprised to see me.
"I'm good thank you, how are you?" I replied.
"I'm good."
"Is 'Nana' awake yet?"
"She's not here, she didn't call you?"
"No, where did she go?"
"To UNZA clinic around 03, I went with her but I had to come back because I have a quiz today. We called her father though and he came, they should still be there, she was admitted."
"The clinic? What's wrong?"
"Oh you have no idea do you? Nafisi has... complications."
"Complications?"
"Look, I think it would be better if she told you this herself. Call her."
I called her immediately, but there was no answer, I called her again and again, but still no answer. I ran to the clinic, with a pack of doritos in my hand and a pounding heart in my chest. What did she mean by "complications"? Why wouldn't she tell me about this? I was both so furious and worried in that moment.
When I got to the clinic, I saw her coming out, about to a enter a car, I figured the man in the driver's seat must be her father.
"Nafisi!" I yelled, and ran towards her, "Hey, are you okay?"
"Nyumbani, what are you doing here?"
"Bethany told me you were here, what happened? What's wrong?"
"Nafisi get in the car." Said her father, sounding a little angry.
"I have to go" she told me, "it's nothing serious, okay? Don't worry about it."
"Wait, but... I got you doritos."
She smiled, took the doritos from my hand, got in the car.
"Goodbye Nyumbani. I'll call you." She said and they drove off.
"Don't worry about it?" I kept thinking, because how could I not worry about it?
She never called or texted back that day, I must have texted her like 7 times every hour. Until I realised that maybe she needed some space, she said she would call and she probably would when she was ready. So I carried on with my day, trying my best not to think about her, and failing.
My Wednesday felt much like every other day before I met her, only a thousand times more miserable. I kept checking my phone, hoping to find even an emoji from her, but there was nothing. I was back to being alone, which is how I liked it anyway.
The headache never left, even after so many pain killers that I stopped counting. I thought maybe it was time I found some professional help. So I went to the school clinic, I was told to drink more fluids and they gave me more painkillers, they said it was probably just stress, that if it persists I should go back. Which was around 14hrs. I went back to my room afterwards, there was no way I was going to endure another class with that raging headache and definitely not in the Engineering Lecture Theatre . I bought chips and a bottle of coke at UNZA spar, took the medicine, ate and fell asleep. I drifted into sleep quite easily, my whole body felt exhausted for some reason.
I woke up panting from a nightmare, which was normal, but the bleeding nostrils were a worrying development. Something was definitely wrong with me.
The nightmares started a few weeks after my mother's burial, I was going through one of the darkest phases of my life, it was my first experience with depression. I contemplated killing myself so many times that I had started to dream about it, night after night I would wake up sweating and screaming, sometimes completely breathless. I knew I needed help, and I was scared of what I would do to myself, so I told my father. He dropped tears when I told him, its never easy to tell a loved one that you don't feel like being alive anymore, even worse to hear it. He hugged me and reassured me that he would never let anything bad happen to me. A few days later he took me to see a therapist who had been a friend of my mother's from high school, Dr Naheem. Of course I never wanted to see a therapist, I never wanted to feel like I was crazy, but dad insisted.
Dr. Naheem turned out to be a really cool person and we ended up becoming friends of some sort. The sessions were helpful, they never took away the anger or the pain but they eased my mind in a way I hadn't felt at ease for a long time. He taught me to control my emotions, taught me that even with everything I had gone through, there was still a lot of myself left in this body, it might just take some time to find him. We kept in touch even after we had long since terminated the therapy sessions. He told me to let him know if I experienced anything that may raise concern, and even though I knew this wasn't a psychological problem, I thought he might have more of an idea on what could be causing this, so I called him.
"4 in the morning Nyumbani" he said in a hoarse voice, "This better be some sort of psychological emergency."
"Hi Doc, actually this is more of a physical one..." I explained to him everything that was happening. He told me not to panic, it was probably nothing to cause alarm, he told me to go to his office on Friday, that he would take me to see a doctor friend of his at Levy Mwanawasa hospital, he was probably more capable of figuring out what was wrong.
"Alright thank you doc, I'll see you on Friday."
I could not fall back to sleep, so I got out of bed and started studying. My Thursday classes started at 11, so I decided to make myself breakfast at 8, took a shower and started solving a few math questions while listening to music. I couldn't help but think about Nafisi, she still had not texted or called. The anxiety was keeping me restless, so I went to the only acquaintance we had in common, and possibly the only person who could give me answers at the time, Bethany. I knocked on her door and her roommate opened it.
"Hi, is Bethany around?" I said.
"Yeah" she replied, "Beth, there's someone here looking for you."
Bethany came to the door, while combing her hair "oh hey Nyumbani" she said, "let me guess, she ghosted you?"
"Yeah, how did you know? I've been texting and calling and it's like she doesn't even see them."
"That's Nafisi, that's what she does when she gets sick, she detaches from the world. The more you text and call, the further away you push her, you need to give her time. It might take days, maybe even weeks before you see her again."
"But... why? Why would she do that?"
"I've been friends with her for 13 years, I still don't understand the girl. Honestly, we haven't been talking for a while, I was surprised that she even decided to spend the night with me, and yesterday was the first time I've seen her smile in weeks."
"That's funny, I've counted two times that I've seen Nafisi not smiling since I met her. Okay then, thank you Beth." I said and turned around to leave.
"Nyumbani" Beth called from behind me, I looked back at her, "she doesn't let anyone in. She has scars she would never show anyone and they run deep, but I think she really likes you, so please be patient with her." She said. I smiled and continued walking down the many flights of stairs.
Nafisi always talked about how lonely I was, she told me all the reasons why it wasn't healthy to be so alone on an overpopulated planet. She always asked why I was so sad and every time she did, I changed the topic. She was always trying to figure out the burdens on my soul, but she had burdens of her own, a billion broken little things, and in that moment I would have given her all the pieces she needed to make her feel better.
The day seemed to pass by in two breaths. After my class I had a lab session in the afternoon, after which I had two more classes and a Biology tutorial. I never saw Nafisi in any of the classes, and God knows I looked for her.
I spent the rest of the night in my room, trying to study but failing miserably, while the rain rumbled and poured outside, much the like the thoughts in my head. The night was mellow, calmer than usual, which meant my mind was free to scream as loud as it wanted to.
I fell asleep at midnight, woke up at dawn, gasping for air like I was drowning, it was time to admit it to myself, the nightmares were getting worse.
It was a bright and warm Friday morning, everything was wet from the storm that flew by the previous night. The school was quiet, mostly because it was a holiday, and most people had gone to visit their families. I had two agendas for the day; see doctor Naheem and go home afterwards. I got on a bus to chelston, which is where Dr. Naheem lived, I found him just outside his gate waiting for me, and we started off for the hospital.
It was my first time at Levy Mwanawasa hospital, it was bigger than I expected. The staff there were friendly and led us right to Dr. Naheem's friend's office, it was written "DR. CHANDA" on the door. We didn't knock, Dr. Naheem just opened the door and walked in, I was right behind him. Right before I walked in I looked to my left, I thought I was having some sort of hallucination, I couldn't believe it, but she was right there, Nafisi. She was heading for the exit with her father holding her by the wrist. I turned back and ran in her direction, by the time I reached the doors, they were already in the car. She looked in my direction as they drove away, but I could tell she hadn't seen me. Her eyes were red and swollen, and there were tears running down her cheeks. Dr. Naheem came running behind me, "Nyumbani, everything okay?", he asked.
"Yeah, I'm good, I just thought I saw someone I know."
"Alright, well let's go back inside, doctor Chanda is waiting for us."
We went back into Dr. Chanda's office, the whole time I was there, I couldn't pull my mind away from Nafisi. Whatever she was going through, it was far more serious than I had anticipated. My life had enough trauma of it's own, I didn't know if I was ready to take on another person's emotional baggage, so maybe it was for the best that I wasn't seeing her anymore.
The doctor asked me a few questions, did a few tests and got some blood samples. He said he would take them to the lab for further testing, so we would have to wait maybe an hour before the results were out. We waited in his office, Doctor Naheem and I started to catch up as we killed time, he asked me about school mostly and the family. Conversation with Doctor Naheem had never been this rigid and awkward, it always flowed so easily, but my mind was too clouded for conversation that day, I couldn't focus.
When Doctor Chanda came back, he asked me about how my life was going, if there was anything giving me stress or if there were any new developments apart from the headaches and bleeding. I knew if I had mentioned Nafisi, he would suggest maybe that is what could be giving me stress, and I did not want to give her that much power over my life, I didn't want to give anyone that much power. Besides, I had barely known her for a month, I didn't think it was important to bring her up.
"I don't think so" I replied, "apart from the regular school stress, with tests coming up and all. Otherwise, nothing new."
"Are you sure Nyumbani?" said Dr. Naheem, "if there is anything, even something that might seem small to you, you need to tell us."
"Well I have noticed that my nightmares have gotten more intense, some night they feel almost as real as they used to."
"Is it alright if I talk to Dr. Naheem alone Nyumbani?" asked Dr. Chanda, "you can just wait outside."
"Alright." I replied, and left the room. I sat by the bench right outside the office, I looked down the hall to my left, right where I had seen Nafisi, part of me hoping I could see her again, and part of me hoping I hadn't seen her at all. Because how could she do this? Walk into my life and then just disappear like a shadow in darkness. I was okay before she came, I was fine on my own.
Dr. Naheem came out of the office after a few minutes, he sat next to me on the bench. Jaws clenched and eyes restless, he had the look that told me he knew exactly what was wrong with me, and it wasn't good.