~
I held my phone in my lap contemplating sending the text. I wanted to do something after all of this time.
Five years. I've been in love with my best friend for five years and I have finally decided on doing something about it.
I'm inviting my best friend and his husband up to the middle-of-nowhere small two-bedroom cabin my family owned.
Before I could stop myself I hit the send button and heard the whoosh and prepare for the worst, I turn to the side and reach over the smooth leather couch to grip the small glass of wine I was slowly weaning off of.
I suddenly got a text back from Brad my best friend's husband.
Hey babe, Colten's going to come up with you and spend some time with you, I wouldn't stop badgering him about you and I know you never see him anymore. I heard there is going to be a big storm tonight so I hope you don't mind if he crashes there for the night or weekend if possible! I wanted it to be a surprise but he'll be there any minute. I luv you! Brad.
I smile softly and almost let tears well in my eyes but I force them away typing my reply and putting my phone down on the couch.
Brad is Colten's husband. Colten is the man I've been in love with since I met him. When I met Colten, he and Brad had been dating for quite some time and I fell so hard in love with Colten whereas Colten just seemed unaffected and oblivious to my affections.
I never let my feelings show around Brad for fear of losing Colten and splitting up the happy gay couple. Yeah, I know.
How stupid am I for trying to make a move on my gay best friend? Coltens been gay since long before I met him and I had absolutely no chance with him.
So why was I doing this?
Maybe to move on, maybe just to do what I've been wanting to do for years. I don't know which.
But as I heard the front door open and my bestfriends deep voice, the one that made my toes curl every day for the last five years, I knew I made the right decision.
I needed this, I needed to be able to get my feelings out before it was too late and I could never close that door to my life.
My hands start to sweat as I rub them in my lap nervously staring down at the blanket that was covering my legs and taking a sharp inhale of breath when I hear him enter my living room from the kitchen.
"Hey V. I brought some champang-Well it looks like you're already starting." Colten chuckles sitting down beside me on my leather couch.
My heart starts to hammer and sweat starts to collect down my body, "Not that I'm complaining Colt, but why in the hell did Brad insist you come up?" I ask sitting up and facing Colten.
"Wasn't your birthday yesterday?" He asks as he gets up and heads towards the kitchen making himself right at home and finding whatever he needed to.
My eyebrows flit together and I momentarily forgot about my confession and cock my head to the side confused, "Yeah, so?"
Colten is 5'9 and I am only 5'5 and although I'm somewhat tall, Colten still towered over my frame.
"There was a reason we didn't text or call all day, Brad wanted me to come up since you've been isolating yourself up here. V, you're scaring him, you know how much he loves you." Colten says as he comes back into the living room and sets two new wine glasses on the small wooden table in front of the couch.
I hang my head remembering my feelings and the messed-up situation I put myself in. I let myself fall for him knowing he had a husband and was gay.
"Well, I love him too." I say softly and my heart clenches in my chest.
I did love Brad, he became a really good friend over these years and an amazing person, he was selfless and cared so much for Colten.
But I loved Colten more than I loved Brad, it was a different kind of love.
One that was suffocating me, slowly but surely snuffing out all the light inside of me.
Colten poured the wine he had brought into the two glasses and finally turned to me for a hug.
I instantly lean forward and feel Coltens big warm arms wound around me making my body relax immediately.
Before we could rest in the hug for too long I pull away and reach for my glass bringing it to my lips without hesitation and gulping it down within seconds.
I was already emotional and loopy. I had taken the weekend off and had been drinking all day, eating here and there but I stopped eating hours ago and had been on my second bottle when Colten walked through the door.
"Woah there V. What's going on?" Colten chuckles but his voice is serious as his dark eyes peer curiously at me.
I swallow the last little bit of the glass of wine and lick my lips to savor more of the taste before casting my eyes up at Colten, feeling my heart seize in my chest.
'God those eyes.' I think to myself but remain focused.
"Just my job Colt, nothing to worry about, I've been stressed lately." I give a half-hearted shrug but Colten suddenly is at my side.
"Why are you so solemn? You just turned twenty-six! Live it up will you, actually speaking of living it up when are you going to finally get a boyfriend?" Colten asks oblivious to the flip of my heart at his question.
"Colten don't start." I sigh heavily and reach for the bottle but Colten slaps my hand away.
"Well, I want to." Colten says and narrows his eyes at me.
"I don't want a boyfriend. Why would I want one?" I ask as Colten pours me another glassful of wine just as he empties his first and refills his own.
Colten's semi-long dark curls bounce down as he talks and his lips curl up into a mischievous smile.
"Great sex." He says and giggles into his glassful of wine.
"Colt!" I squeal not expecting that answer to come flying out of his mouth.
"What? Babe, you're twenty-six, you should be screwing your brains out with anyone you wanted to." He says and gulps his own glass of wine halfway.
"I know." I said slumping in my seat and feel an intense wave of hazy tingles fly over me making me suddenly giggle.
"So why aren't you?" Colten asks as he sips the rest of his wine and refills it.
'Cause I'd rather be doing you.' An inner voice says and I agree with it.
I can't help but steal glances at Colten here and there as the night progresses, the way his hair slides down in front of his face and he sweeps it back, or the way he smiled and it showed off his cheekbone dimples.
By the time midnight hit the grandfather clock in the hallway of my cabin Colten and I were singing songs and dancing all around having a wonderful time.
So why did I mess it all up? Because I'm me, and that's what I do.
When it hit twelve thirty I sat down covered in sweat on the couch sipping 'I don't know what number' drink of the night.
Colten had just finished having a long phone call with Brad when he stepped back into the room.
"Everything all right?" Colten asks as he plops down on the couch beside me.
"Hm? Just stuck in my thoughts," I say looking towards the floor.
"Okay, seriously what the hell is going on with you V? You've been acting weird all day, gloomy sad and not you. You tell me what is going on. Right now."
"I think I'm in love with you." I whisper.
I hoped not audibly and I did not look in his direction for fear of caving in but by the cough and choking sounds coming from Colten I would say, he heard me.
I look over very slowly and my eyes instantly met his and made my whole body give an involuntary shiver.
"What?" He asks out, his deep voice echoing off the cabin walls.
"I'm in love with you." I say and shrug my shoulders, looking away and tears started to collect in my eyes.
"What?" He asks again but this time in horror, his voice rising an octave above his normal tone.
"Just forget I even said anything Colt-"
"Yeah you know I'm not letting this go, what do you mean exactly, please explain further." He says as he lays on his side.
I could say it was the courage that was suddenly racing through my veins, but it was really the alcohol we had been consuming all throughout the night.
I lurch forwards to wrap my small hand around his neck and slam our lips together with a smack.
It was awkward and weird for a long couple of seconds before I knew it Colten had inhaled a sharp intake of breath and responded to the kiss slowly but with an intensity, it had goosebumps flying down my limbs.
I shouldn't be doing this.
He is married.
Not to mention...
He's my best friend.
And he's gay.