CHAPTER 10 ♕
Sometimes we get so used to people we see around us; Therefore, the fear of losing them is far from us. Thus we tend to forget that nothing lasts forever - the cold reality doesn't present itself at that moment because the thought of it is so far away physically and mentally. However There's always a wake-up call, it jerks you up to reality. My Mother - my Maa is dead. Dead. It sounds foreign to my ears and tastes so bitter on my tongue that I can't swallow the thought. My mind begins to evaluate what life is about without someone I care about in it. Now here I am standing outside the hospital holding back a sob, I walked forward but my steps faltered from the burning pain in my chest. I stopped and held my knee and knead the spot that was hurting - as well as my chest. My hand massaged my chest in circles. I whimpered - I have to get back home - back to the familiarity of everything I knew of her. I straightened from my bent position and limped toward the parking lot. And there stood Joe, leaning against his Father's red truck kicking a none - existent stone with the tip of his shoe. His head whipped in my direction, his eyes held glistening fear, and his brows furrowed in concentration on my facial expression. His mouth was set in a grim line - as if he could read the agony I was feeling deep inside. He walked closer to where I stood.
"I came to see for myself if what I heard was true," he spoke in a whisper, I barely heard what he was saying. Then I caught a glimpse of his hands, and they were shaking. He quickly stuffed them into his pockets to steady them.
"I could not go in because - you know. I have a thing with hospitals," he mumbled the words out, "but It's not true right?" He asked in a whisper. His eyes begged me to say the opposite. However, I couldn't say a word. The tears were now falling - unrestrained, I covered my face with my palms, and sobs racked all over my body. He rushed forward and wrapped his hands around me so tightly that I thought I'd choke on my tears.
"I can't believe this, I can't believe this," he chants in a whisper as he held me. I tried to hold back a sob at the back of my throat.
"Could you do me a favor and check on Emily?" when I was finally able to pull myself together, I spoke, "we have to go home together -"
"Sure." He mumbled as released me and held me by the shoulders as he stared at me with an intense gaze. His eyes were red-rimmed.
"Wait here. and don't. move." He stressed every word. I nodded and he walked back inside the building. I watched him as he walked inside the hospital with hunched shoulders, it suddenly came to mind how he hated visiting hospitals - I'll bet he was standing outside debating how to go in. He looked like he was walking into a battlefield uncertain whether he would come back alive or scarred. While I stood with my hands folded on my chest as I watched people going in and out of the hospital. Suddenly, some people walking started running while using their hands to block out the rain. Wait. Rain? Yes, rain it was dripping showers. I leaned on the railing. I stretched out my hand to catch a drop of rain on my hand, the cold drop sent chills down my spine - it felt as cold as my insides, I hugged myself tightly to check if I could draw out some warmth from within me, but I came out blank.
"Let's go, Ladonna," my head whipped at Mama Gabby's voice. She looked exhausted as she walked towards me, with Emily and Joe in tow. Joe had his arm wrapped around a weary-looking Emily. He suddenly said something that made her lip tip up in a tight smile. Now that I think about it, Joe was the perfect person to comfort Millie, she has always had a soft spot for him, I'm pleased that I don't have to be the one to comfort her now because I wouldn't know what to say to her. We hurried to Joe's truck - using our hands as a shield from the rain. We entered the car, and not long before, silence fell upon us as Joe drove to our house. I sat in front of the car saying nothing while Joe fiddled with the radio. He attempted to lighten the tense mood in the car, yet his attempts failed as he caught nothing but noise. while Mama Gabby was in the back seat with Emily whispering words that I couldn't make out.
"Mama Gabby, shall I drop you at your house?" Joe asked. As he passed by her house.
"Oh, just drop me at Donna's -"
"Mama Gabby you need to rest, it has been a long day and - "
"Quiet Donna. I am a grown woman who can decide if I don't want to go to my house. Ignore her Joe," Mama Gabby said with a glint of mischief dancing in her eyes. I sighed.
"Yes ma'am," Joe said. A smile in his tone. We got out of the car and walked to the door. Emily searched for the keys in her pockets, and after she found them she unlocked the door. She and Mama Gabby went inside the house, leaving me and Joe outside.
"Are you -"
"Please don't ask me if I'm okay - 'cause I'm not," I said with a shake of my head. He blinked, caught off guard by my response, and finally cleared his throat and scratched his head.
"I wasn't gonna ask that. I was going to ask if ..if, " I gazed intently at him, "If you were going to be okay," he sighed heavily as if it was a weight wedged in his heart that he just had to get it out before it breaks his heart into two. Joe doesn't usually worry about anything through the years I've known him, but he worried most about the people he cared about more than he does himself.
"I told you not to ask how I was."
"I can't help it! I don't know what to say to you when you just lost the most important person in your life." His eyes were wild with panic. "Should I tell you how hard it's going to be? Or should I say it's going to be alright?" Tears shone in his eyes as they did mine. I tried to hold it back but failed.
"Just hug me you, idiot!" As if he was waiting for me to say the word. He held me tighter than he did in the hospital, I felt comforted as he whimpered while trying to hold back his tears.
"Please try and sleep Donna," he whispered in my ear. I nodded.
"Hey Joe! " we flew apart in freight as Mama Gabby's voice called from the window. "Let the girl come in and get some rest now will you?"
"Yes, ma!"
"Come in here Donnie," she ordered. I rolled my eyes while Joe chuckles.
"Take care." He said and I nodded with a small smile. He turned and made for his truck, I watched as he drove off into the night.
♕ ♕ ♕
"I know this would feel like a bad time for me to bring this up but I have to so we can get it out of the way immediately," mama Gabby said in a solemn tone. We were sitting around the dining table, and I watched Mama Gabby I couldn't imagine what she was going through, I could see she was trying to be strong for the both of us.
"I've started calling some of your family members that I know," she continued, "Your Mother's brother, Seth will be present." I had forgotten uncle Seth existed. I had forgotten half of my family existed. strangely I couldn't see them or even needed them because I had a covering of a Mother. Now? now I had to face them.
"Lizzy will also be coming.. she also said if we needed any help with the funeral she'll just be a call away."
"When is the funeral? " Emily spoke for the first time that day. her expression passive, "I've never experienced it before." Tears surfaced in my eyes as she said those words, even if she had no idea those words she just said affected me. I cleared my throat.
"Yes Mama Gabby, what do we do about that."
"You girls don't worry about anything, and William will take care of everything. Everything is under control as we speak, we'll hold the funeral in three days." I sucked in a breath at the thought.
"That fast?" I could barely hear myself. My mouth tasted like sandpaper, my eyes were heavy with sleep or crying too much - could be both.
"Why? are you not comfortable with the date ?" We were sitting at the dining table. She observed each of our reactions as if she were waiting for us to break down in tears, but none came so she continued.
"there's another important detail you girls have to know."
"What could be more shocking than us burying our Mother?" Emily mumbled.
"It's in Joyce's will for you -"
"Maa has a will?" my brows furrowed.
"I thought that only happens in movies." Emily quipped. Mama Gabby threw her a warning glare.
"No. it's real, more real and important than anything else. Now," she stood up from her seat, "I'll leave you girls to rest, we have a big day tomorrow," she made her way to the door. I followed behind her petite stature to lock the door. She suddenly turned to me.
"Emily! come here," my brows raised in question. Emily peeped from the dining room, stood up, and made her way to us. Mama Gabby hugged us tightly. I felt a teardrop on my shoulder.
"You will both be okay, I promise," she whispered and pat our backs. She released us - and without another glance, she walked out the door. I watched as she walked home on a windy night. Her dress skirt flew in the wind, she tried to keep it in place by using her hand to tame the flying skirt. I shut the door, I turned to where Emily stood but she wasn't there, so I locked the door and walked towards our room. My Mother's room called to me but I wasn't strong enough to go inside. I would die of heartbreak if I tried. I fell on my bed with a thud. The room was dark - which meant Emily doesn't want to talk, we were always like two rivers running in different directions, now with our mother gone I don't know what would keep us together. What could I say to break this tension? what kind of bridge should I build to mend the rift that has formed between us? as I tried to sleep - all I could think about was
'This was my fault, how could I begin to forgive myself? How could I live?*
♕ ♕ ♕ ♛
I woke up startled by a strange noise outside our house, what was going on outside? I lifted my upper body with my hands holding me up. I looked over at Emily's bed but it was empty. Where was she? I rushed out of bed, I winced as pain shoots up my thigh. Shoot! I had forgotten that I had injured my leg yesterday and that I slept in my jean trouser and jeans jacket. I wobbled down the stairs to the kitchen, the noise was getting louder as I approached, I discovered that the strange noise in my sleep was someone knocking on the door, I made for the door Then I spotted Emily sitting on the dining chair sipping what I'm sure is tea. I hummed. at least food interest her. Let me make some for Maa.
then it dawned on me. There's no more Maa, she's gone and everything else I've
ever known went with her. I think I cried throughout last night into the morning, but then again I'm not sure it's real, I could have been dreaming because I'm sure I cried in my dreams too. Therefore I couldn't possibly meet anyone with the way I looked, blood stains were still on my shirt, I went to get the door anyway because Millie didn't look like she would.
I opened the door and there stood a strange tall man - wait, not a strange man -at least not with the smile I recognized so much. Uncle Seth. I could instantly recognize him. His smile disappeared as he stared intently at me with sad eyes. Oh goodness, I hated that kind of look, it made everything I went through come tumbling back. He was wearing worn-out jeans paired with a baggy black T-shirt and a brown jacket.
"Ladonna?" he asked with a raised brow. I nodded with a false smile. He still looked so much like my Mother, not that he'll change or anything, but still, the button nose - though he was more pointed than hers, he was tall, unlike my mother's petite stature. Not forgetting their bright smile that could heal and of course, their head full of dark curls. Nevertheless, I haven't seen uncle Seth since I was thirteen, he was the coolest Uncle and the only uncle I had, they were close with my mother.
Why he never visited for four years is a question I never asked her.
"Welcome uncle Seth," I chirped his eyes went wide and he blinked rapidly, clearly taken aback.
"You still remember me? " I nodded.
"My God! you're bleeding!" he exclaimed with wide eyes. I looked down at my shirt, there was blood though it wasn't mine, I wished it was though.
"oh, it's not mine," I tried to be as casual with the situation as I could, "its, its..."
"oh," realization dawned in his eyes, "I heard you were with -"
"Please come in," I invited him inside the house. Emily was already standing, with her nappy curls all over the place, still holding her cup of tea. She watched everyone with questioning eyes.
Uncle Seth stood tall in the center of the room, unsure - as I was - how to act. This is the kind of situation where you have known someone before but just haven't seen them for a long time and you have no idea how to act around them, should you offer a hug? shake hands or just pretend you don't remember them altogether? so I've decided to break the ice for all of us. If I remembered correctly, uncle Seth wasn't a conversationalist, every single conversation back then was initiated by my Mother. And she loved him for that. She would often say he was her favorite brother when he was her only brother. She would often tease that our father was talkative and she didn't like talkers, but she still wondered how on earth she fell for him. However, her love for him is seen in her eyes every time she would lament.
"Millie remember Uncle Seth?"
"Vaguely," she replied with guarded eyes, "I'm sure he was supposed to be here on the day of the burial, right?"
"Right.." I gritted out. why is she so snappy with this money? this is not the right time for her to be - polite.
"I heard you were with her on the day of the accident," he spoke.
I swallowed, "yes I was," he stepped closer to me, and on impulse, I stepped back, he inched closer again and grabbed where the blood stain was, and touched it.
"I'm so sorry," I blinked. Well, that was unexpected.
"I should have visited more Jesus.." he muttered with so much pain in his voice as he sat heavily on one of the dining chairs, he shoved his hands in his afro haircut and kept muttering some words I couldn't make out, "I shouldn't have been so angry over something so petty. forgive me Joyce for realizing things so late, for coming so late. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." he kept chanting the words. Watching him being miserable like that brought tears to my eyes, this is what death takes from us, it takes away opportunities we had to make things right and gives back regret - which I must admit is in- reversible and painful, its like a knife is being used to cut open an old wound over and over again. If anyone - before all of these happened - were to tell me that my life would be a whirlwind of emotions and I would be experiencing so much change in just two days I would've laughed in their face to the point of tears because never in my thoughts have I imagined anything this challenging and new.
Emily hurried towards our room - to cry no doubt. I hurried after her too. I hated how this will now be my new normal. Witnessing heartbreak all around was something I didn't want to be part of, but as usual, life doesn't always go the way you want.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
"Emily are you okay," I approached her. She sat on the bed with her back turned from the door. Her bed was a mess of clothes and - shoes? when did this even happen?
"Emily-"
"Leave me alone Donna," she spoke with venom in her tone that I wondered if this was my sister speaking.
"What is wrong with you? we're all going through the same thing here -"
"No."
I frowned, "what?" I inched closer to the bed, then she stood up and faced me. I gasped at the sight of how swollen her eyes were. Emily didn't cry much, but if she did it was ugly, bad, bad ugly.
"I said no, we're not going through the same thing, I'm certain I feel worst than you do," she replied. I scoffed in disbelief. I folded my hands on my chest.
"So what? you think you feel more pain than I do? or you feel -"
"I'm saying this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been at that party and Maa wouldn't have had to pick you up, have you thought about that?" I blinked her statement, my lips turned down and tears pricked my eyes. It hurt, but it was true. I've been avoiding the thought but I've been expecting this accusation. If Emily needed to get this out of her system for her to have peace then so be it. She spoke calmly as if she was the gentle breeze before the storm. She was still seated on her bed, her hands folded on her chest as she stared straight at me.
"I don't know why you do that Donna. Why do you always make her follow you to the ends of the earth before you could finally comprehend that everything she did was for our good." tears marred her face while some were entering her mouth, but she could care less about it.
"Now here you are, after she's dead and gone you want to assume your position of being the firstborn and take charge of things. I hate this Donna! I hate that she's not here. I hate that she's.." she wheezed out the words. Her head bowed as she sobbed soft sobs.
"Emily, let's talk more calmly about -"
"I knew I felt jealous all those times that Maa would give attention to you than she would me -"
I scoffed with wide eyes, "but Millie you're more in sync with Maa than I'll ever be.."
"..she would always give more attention
to Donna -"
"Because I was giving her a constant headache," I deadpanned.
"I wished I did that - I wished I did even one single wrong thing just so I would get something other than the normal lukewarm relationship we had, so.." she swallowed thickly, "so I told her about the party Donna -"
"Emily!"
"I did, but I never knew she would follow you and drag you out of there," she wailed and held her chest, hitting it a few times as she cried. The tears I was holding back were now falling unrestricted.
"When I heard you had an accident I swear I couldn't breathe. I thought. I said to myself this couldn't be happening, that this was the end, that if anything happened I wouldn't be able to live with myself, but something did happen and it was because of me! I'm so sorry Donna!" she placed her face on her knee as she sobbed.
"Millie, I don't think this is the time for pushing and pulling unresolved things, let's get through today before anything else," I whispered to the point of tears myself.
"Leave me, and don't try to sound so inspirational," she wailed through her teary voice. I sighed and rose to my feet. She made no move of moving, so I raised my hands in surrender.
"Okay I'll leave you for now, I'll go make something for us to eat then attend to uncle Seth, the man must be wondering where we disappeared to," I replied and walked out of the room to the kitchen. Mama Gabby was sitting with Uncle Seth, whispering some things to him as he wiped his eyes with the palm of his hands. I've never seen a grown man plagued with so much grief, he looked in pain from the inside and this was something we all shared.
"Good morning Mama Gabby," I greeted her as I walked closer to them. She examined me from head to toe with a worried frown etched on her face, the kind my Mother often wore on her face.
"Donna why haven't you gotten rid of that hideous shirt on your body...did you even sleep?" she observed my face as I sat on one of the dining chairs, I sat beside her. Uncle Seth's face was turned away from me.
"Yes Ma, I slept well.." I lied. She held my hand - I think it's because of the haggard look I had, I couldn't cry anymore, I didn't want to cry, if I did, I might never stop, and isn't it that we were trying to get over this phase of our lives? I didn't want to jeopardize the progress I had already started.
"Don't you dare lie to me girl!" she chastised.
I sighed, "mama Gabby I'm trying so hard -"
"That's the problem, you're trying too hard, no one asks that of you. your Mother is dead for God's sake! cry however you want to, no one will judge you - no one is allowed to," her eyes were moist the tears brimming in her eyes, as they did mine. I wheezed as I tried to control my breathing. My throat closed up, it felt like it would explode with a cry of pain erupting from my stomach, my eyes bulged out and I held my lips as the tears dripped, I wiped at it furiously.
"I don't know how to live now Mama Gabby, my Mother is dead," I wiped a tear, "I know it's not the end of the world but it feels like it is, I didn't know this was going to happen, -"
"Donna, no one knew this was going to happen," Uncle Seth spoke. His eyes trained on me with a sudden determination."
"I thought I had time to tell her things I didn't say, things I knew she would love if only I had acted on them," I wiped my already running nose, " I knew I wasn't a perfect daughter but I was trying to change for her, now?" my brows furrowed in confusion, "now I don't know what to do."