CHAPTER 11 ♕
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"Donna, I think you need to see this.." Emily said without taking her eyes off whatever she was staring at outside. She was standing by the door holding it open, I'd like to think she's in better spirits now, compared to earlier when she was bawling her eyes out. I sighed again for the hundredth time since Mama Gabby and Uncle Seth left for the hospital after getting a call from Chief Williams to get my Mother's body from the hospital. I was getting more agitated and edgier by the minute, at this stage I could bite someone's head off if a word was spoken to me. I had just taken my bath - my body was fresh and so was my mind -fresh from the incident that is. It was as though I should take another bath so it could wash away the uneasiness and emotions I couldn't quite put a finger on. Nevertheless tomorrow was getting closer by the minute, which meant the funeral will be taking place soon, and I wasn't taking it well, I hate to admit that Emily was taking everything in stride, while I was an emotional mess . I stood up from the couch - where I was seated in the centre of the living room watching a movie I wasn't interested in walked to where she stood with the door ajar. I peeped over her shoulder, and I gasped at the sight. Was that half of Bridge valley at our door? I abruptly pushed Emily out of the way to get a closer look.
"Excuse you," she let out a sarcastic grunt as I walked past her to the porch - where everyone was assembled. They were all here for us, to show support and welcome our Mother's body when she gets here. However, seeing them here heightened every sense of fear within me, ' so this was it? I really won't be able to See her again? ' i thought. Mr Thomas walked closer and held me by the shoulders, he gave me an encouraging squeeze - which, in some way encouraged me. He cleared his throat.
"We're here to show our support with some material things you will need for the funeral tomorrow - and of course some of our boys are here on Chief Williams orders - to dig the ground for the casket." I swallowed thickly at his words, my throat was burning - I had no saliva left in my mouth, my heart pounded faster as I stared at the crowd in front of my house - amongst them were faces I recognized well enough, while some of them I had no idea existed in Bridge Valley, it might be a small town but hey, I can't know everyone who lives here. I spotted Joe and Judith - he threw his arm around her neck, he stared intently at me, as if he was checking if I was alright, but who am I? a mind reader? I had no idea what he thinking half the time.Nelson - Joe's best friend said something to him that distracted his gaze from mine. I noticed Nelson was holding a basket of goodies - I couldn't see how many baked goods were there but I had a pretty good idea that it was much. Then there was Veronica standing close to phoebe. She was standing in the crowd with a frown etched between her brows - hugging herself, and four other girls in school I couldn't remember if we've ever spoken before.
All these people - known and unknown were here to support us. How can something so bad brings people together? What is it about death that struck us to the point of brokenness - to the point it seem we will never recover despite our knowledge of the reality that death is a structured part of life that cannot be cheated or avoided, yet we get so surprised and devastated out of our minds every time it occurs in our lives, I didn't know why and I still don't know why, but as my life is right now, I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. One thing I know is that death brings people together no matter what, this..this I'm sure of.
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We were setting chairs on the porch and arranging the living for the wake keeping. Notwithstanding I was physically and emotionally drained as I moved about running here and there to make sure everything was in place. While Emily was preparing something warm for more visitors. I've never seen our house so packed with people, some were eating - which mostly was brought by our neighbors, some people from my Mother's workplace were talking in whispers, while some were discreetly wiping tears from their eyes. I avoided those with tears, I didn't want to subject myself to bawling once again, so I busied myself with every work that came my way.
I unconsciously peeped outside. My eyes searched for Mama Gabby and Uncle Seth, I wondered what was taking so long, it was getting dark. The constant sound of digging in our back yard made me nauseous, in an attempt to escape, I made way for my room. As I approached, I noticed the door was ajar, I peeped In and spotted Joe standing near my mini book shelve which was close to the window seat. He was reading a book. I stood silently watching him read, I knew he knows I was watching him but he made no move of acknowledging my presence. However, this is what I wanted a sense of - what do I call it? Normalcy. I sighed, so this is what it felt like to have normality back, where the sound of wet sand and digger is far from my mind.
"Are you gonna keep staring at me? am I that handsome that you cannot take your eyes off of me?"his nose was still stuck in the book as he spoke. I rolled my eyes and walked into the room.
"keep telling yourself that," I muttered as I sat on the window seat. After a minute he shut the book and sat beside me. We sat quietly, saying nothing, just our breathing and the soft breeze that hummed between us. I couldn't even hear the dreaded digging sound in our back yard anymore, I was just feeling the moment.
"Joe?"
"Hmmm?"
"You know how I've always wanted to escape this small town -"
"I do," he responds softly.
"..its invasive citizens and just go back to the big city, where I could do everything I wanted and not worry about my Mother's expectations of me getting crushed just in case I didn't exceed them?"
"yeah."
"Well, I don't think I can ever leave Bridge Valley, the thought of leaving everything we've ever built here and just -"
"I think what you should do is make a decision when everything is clear for you and your heart is set in the right place and not on just what you feel at the moment," he reasoned gently, with no ounce of judgment in his tone. I nodded.
"Cause I think that sometimes you don't need to search for things that you already have, it might be right where you are," I sighed and shut my eyes. I had to ask this question that has been eating me up, he's the only one that could truly be honest with me - not with holding anything back.
"Do you also think its my fault?" I whispered.
"Who said it was?" he replied without missing a beat. I kept quiet. He sighed, "if you're looking for comfort or harsh words in other to make yourself feel better then I don't have it, cause no matter what I say you'll only think otherwise ..."
"so what are you saying?" my nose flared in annoyance at his words.
"Don't cut me off again Donna," he said in a warning tone.
"you asked for it."
"just listen. All I'll say is no matter what anyone says you'd have gone to that party - I mean you're Donna and when you set your mind on something no one could talk you out of it. And your Maa? Well, she's still gonna go after you - you're her daughter," he said with a soft smile, "let's be honest though, wouldn't you have lived everyday like you would if you didn't know your Maa was going to die?" tears stung my eyes, cause I knew I would've.. I would've lived the way I wanted.
"Are you saying her death was a good thing?"
"On the contrary, I just know your Mother would hate that you're blaming yourself for something that was clearly out of your control," he pat my head, it was then I realised that somehow my head was on his shoulder, while my tears soaked his shirt.
"Its just that my heart feels so cold that I'm freezing all over. let's not start with the nights. I would yarn for a sweet dream, so that I could get away from the cold reality of life and my feelings of too much pain but it just gets worse," I said with a throat clogged with tears.
chastised myself for allowing Joe to see me bawling my eyes out.
"Don't think too much, just sleep," he said in a solemn tone, "otherwise I might worry about you," I closed my eyes and just listened to his baritone voice. Just then a car pulled up in front of our house and my heart stopped.
As we stepped into the living room, they were bringing in the casket, an unknown woman bursted into tears the moment she spotted the casket. It was painted white with stripes of gold on it, suddenly I felt like my head was growing in size like an inflated balloon. Was this really happening? was my Mother really in there laying lifeless? I couldn't believe it. A black and white picture of her was on the table with a book for entries and Whatnots, I especially loved the picture because her large eyes sparkled, visible dimples disappeared into her cheeks in a heart stopping smile and her nappy curls was a mess raging about her.
Mama Gabby walked towards me looking exhausted with Gina and Alice in tow. Gina. I missed my friend. As she approached I met her half way and hugged her tight, she returned a more firmer hug. Alice kept her distance. she looked like a fish out of water in the midst of all these chaos.
"likewise," Gina murmured in a teary voice.
"I didn't say anything miss know it all," I murmured in her neck.
"you didn't have to say anything." we released each other and I hugged mama Gabby, she chuckled.
"You're awfully in a good mood considering the situation - where's Millie?" my eyes searched for her but she was no where I could see her.
"I'll go see," Joe volunteered.
"okay Donna," mama Gabby led me to the living room and we sat on the couch.
"As you know the funeral will be tomorrow," I nodded, "some people will come - I'm just informing you so you won't be surprised when you see new faces tomorrow. No matter what will happen, remember everything will be okay," Now I know something was definitely wrong, but I'm physically and emotionally drained all I wanted to do was to get everything over and done with, so I nodded.
"Good, make sure you tell Emily. Just go and have some rest - every one will. I'll make sure they all do, I'll leave Gina with you."
"thank you Ma." I said and she waved me off as she started talking to the guests. They were smiling and greeting her.
"You're stuck with me tonight my friend," Gina spoke closely to my ear, I rolled my eyes at her antics.
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I tossed and turned all night. I've never noticed so many critters in the early hours of the morning because I was always fast asleep by this time of the night, but for some reason - a very good reason at that - I couldn't sleep today. Memories of her chased my mind, there was no escape for me, my chest ached so badly, I held it, hoping it will ease the pain but there was nothing I could do to stop this aching heart of mine. In the end I laid staring up the ceiling, before I knew it the morning sunlight was seeping through my curtains. I stood up and I quietly made for the living room, I wasn't surprised when I heard mama Gabby's voice parking orders - what would I do without her? I thought. I spotted Uncle Seth in the kitchen, doing what? I had no idea. Him and I haven't spoken since yesterday, he was quiet - too quiet. I watched as everyone went about their activities, all in preparing for the funeral, I spotted Veronica, Joe, his Mother and sister, they were running up and down, too busy to notice each other. Yet there I was, complaining of losing sleep while these people were up so early helping me. Now I understood Emily - I had everything yet I was still selfish.
"Donnie!" Mama Gabby called, "don't just stand there, go and start getting ready," she said with her hands akimbo. "And wake that daughter of mine!" she called after me. I ran up the four stairs to our room. Emily was sleeping - lying faced down, she covered body form head to toe, while Gina was sleeping in an uncomfortable position. I shook my head, I wouldn't want to be her when her Mother gets her.
"Millie. Gina." I walked towards Emily's bed, she's not exactly a morning person, I expect screams and a cranky Emily, after what happened yesterday I wanted to avoid having any issues with her until the funeral Is over.
"Wake up, let's get ready," I stood over her, yet no response. As expected. I grabbed the blanket she covered herself with and I tried to remove it off of her body but she grabbed onto it.
"Millie don't make me bring in Mama Gabby " I warned and she groaned.
"Ladonna let the girl sleep, she had a terrible day yesterday," Gina said with a grunt as she sat on the edge of the bed. Her hair like a bird's nest.
"We all had a bad day," I glared. "Now get up girl."
"ugh! I don't want to go anywhere today I beg of you," she wailed, clearly cooking up a fight. I mean, she knows what today is.
"Get up!" I gritted out. She was never this stubborn about things. A little, but I was the one who always acted like this, not her.
"leave me alone, I don't want to go watch my Mother being put in the ground!"
"Well where do you want us to put her?" I barked back. "You will get up right now," I said with finality, completely removing the blanket from her covered body. She glared at me, I could now see visible tears brimming in her eyes, she's holding something in again, she has been doing it for the past two days and nights. She'd lay in bed - almost for the entire day, covered from head to toe and silently sob, the aftermath were heavy and red eyes with a menacing headache in the morning. It seemed like it today, but I could tell she's using it for her advantage this time, but I won't fall for it. She sniffed, her hand covering her eyes.
"Emily," I said more gently, "lets go do this thing and before you know it it'll be over -"
"you have me.." Gina chimed in.
"And Joe. you said you liked Joe," I coaxed.
"I never said that," she croaked, her voice heavy with unshed tears.
"well yeah, you might not have said that but I know you'll be happy he's there," I said in a sing song voice. She rolled her eyes, a small smile pulling her lips. I don't know how I'm doing this when I equally wanted to curl up in bed and cry.
"Alright! I'm up!" she stood up and headed for the bathroom.
"Finally," Gina and I respond simultaneously.
Five minutes later...
"okay! I have nothing to wear," Emily threw her hands in surrender.
"its a funeral," I deadpanned, "you're not dressing up to look good for anyone," I synchronized her with my eyes, "or is there?" she rolled her eyes and began searching for her clothes in her wardrobe that was currently vomiting clothes. Gina also seems to be in a dilemma. They were both in their underwear walking around like lost souls.
"Donna, I don't know which to choose from, you have so many black clothes," she said it with awe as if it was a thing of wonder to have black clothes.
"Again, we are not going for a fashion show, come on girls don't make me more upset than I already am," sighed, more frustrated at the situation than I am at them.
"okay then, let's hurry before my mama storms in here and whacks us," Gina said as she said as she pulled a baggy trouser up her hips. She had finally decided on a Baggy jean trouser paired with a black long sleeved top.
"Are we done?"
"Not yet," Emily replied. She was struggling to pack her hair, she didn't ask for help as she usually would. After she had finally decided on a black short gown - something similar to what I was wearing, she brought out her black flats shoes and wore them.
" Now, let's go."
As we walked into the living room, I spotted some people were wearing black as well, it then dawned on me that this was real. However, Mama Gabby was wearing her usual free gown -white. Despite the situation, she looked majestic. Our eyes met, which made her approach us.
"Mama why are you wearing white?" Gina asked with a scrunch of her nose.
Mama Gabby glared at her, " see this girl, did you greet me? and why shouldn't I wear white? my best friend was a happy person - she also knew I hated the color black, she would hate it if she was to see me wearing black don't you think?" she quipped.
"Now, let's go so we can get started," she started for outside, we followed behind like mama duck and its little ducks. The morning sun hits my face, I had forgotten what the sun looked like, it was so bright yet mild, the weather was chilly outside. I observed the weather and it looked like rain. I hope it doesn't rain anytime soon. We approached our crowded backyard, I noticed cars I've never seen before, people I've never met were gathered, some were wearing white while most were wearing black.
Oh wow, I had no idea Maa had met so many people in her lifetime, the two canopies we rented were filled with people.So much people. As we approached the graveside, I spotted pastor Fred, he was a tall, kind gentle middle aged man with a kind smile, as he spotted us he smiled, which encouraged me. Then I saw it. The casket, placed in the centre. My hands began to sweat.
"Donna, our seats are right in front," Mama Gabby directed us to our seats, of course we received stares of pity as we made our way to our seats next to Uncle Seth, who had a stoic expression plastered on his face, his hand that were placed on his thigh was balled into a fist. It was like he wanted to punch someone. Pastor Fred stands - looking impeccable in his black suit and walks towards the casket, he picked up the Mike...
"Okay," he started. "The family said they wanted something brief, so I'll just take five minutes of our time as we give place to people who knew this wonderful woman - including myself. Now, we have some people who are here that requested to say just few words before they can be on their way because they live far - but are here to show support to the family, I would like to start with them." A tall man whom I've never seen before stood up and strode forward.
He cleared his throat, "My name is Morris Uti and I'm not a very good in public speaking but if I don't say anything Joyce will probably haunt me in my sleep so.." my lips split in a smile so did everyone else's.
He sighed, "I met with Joyce in Lagos, where everything was chaotic - everyone struggled to make a living so I had to be quick with my hands, one day I was walking into this gift shop she was making her way out, so I grabbed the gift she bought hoping she had no idea - as she was a lady. I bounced off triumphantly, just for me to turn..I spotted this lady right on my tails it was a wild chase - long story short, she caught me, grabbed her gift then grabbed my purse and took out cash and she said in this exact words 'why don't you go buy me a drink? I'm thirsty' then I thought, 'this lady must be out of her mind ' but then we've been friends ever since," his voice turned solemn, "I'm sad this world missed a gem. To her children, I want to say you're mother was a strong, confident woman and you girls are lucky. Thank you." it felt thrilling and encouraging to hear all these about my mother. Nevertheless now, I'm I expected to fill in those shoes she wore her whole life? From how I see it, it would be impossible to do that. I was lost in thoughts yet I could see how everyone spoke about how my Mother had impacted their lives in a blur. Joe's father spoke, so did his Mother, then the baker spoke about how she had saved the day with a spectacular recipe of cookies, Joe spoke about the words of encouragement she shared with him when he felt like dying after losing his sister. While Veronica wasn't able to finish a sentence when she broke into a sob - she had to stop talking and leave. However I wasn't surprised when Uncle Seth didn't say a word. One after the other people spoke and left, leaving behind some sort of financial support. Howbeit for me, the time froze and I could picture a world without my Mother. The words they spoke - to me, they could never understand how I felt at that moment, after today or now, they would have forgotten all these but I won't, I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life. This thought weakens me more than anything. How will I survive this life without my Mother? As I was lost in Thoughts, a hand tapped me - startled, I snapped back to reality. It turns out I was to say some few words before the burial.
"Why can't Millie do it?"
"She said you should," Gina shrugged. "Emily couldn't stop crying throughout every speech. Besides, you're the oldest so..naturally it should be you. So good luck."
I sighed. What made them so sure I wouldn't break down while speaking?
I stood up and walked to where the casket was placed, I hesitated in touching it, but I did it either way.
"I don't know what to say, all I know is that the world has taken from me in a way it can never give back. My Mother was a wonder - someone that has given more than she has received and if in another world I was given an opportunity to choose a mother, I would again choose her." A black Honda civic caught my attention, a tall woman dressed in black - she almost looked cold, her glasses made her look, untouchable. She quickly blended into the crowd.
"okay now," I blinked back to reality.
" let's now head to the burial site with only the family," Pastor Fred announced. We stood with mama Gabby, Gina, Uncle Seth and the unknown woman.