CHAPTER 9 ♕
I was sweating like a Christmas goat - even though I'd never seen a sweaty goat before, now I could understand a goat's plight when it's about to be eaten for Christmas. That's beside the point. My Mother took what she said about me 'just living' literally. Yes, I wanted to live without Calculations and fear of the outcomes of my decisions, but Salsa dancing was something I'd rather not start with. Right now on a Saturday morning, in my workout clothes that I had managed to scrape out of my bag - I was led by the hand of my salsa-dancing expert Mother. I would rather dance with some stranger than my Mother. She was a tough cookie. Nonetheless good at salsa dancing.
"Come on! Let's move those hips!" She hollered. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and demand she let me go back home and have breakfast. The auditorium we were using was the one in our school. Almost everybody comes to learn Salsa. Taught by a skinny, tall gaunt looking guy with pretty eyes. We were paired in two's. Emily was paired with a boy her age, she looked completely out of her element as he tossed and turned her around. She looked out of control. Which was a rare sight.
"Maa, I would give you blisters with the way I'm stepping on your feet,"
"Never mind that. I had done worst when I was your age," she ignored my subtle attempt at escape. She suddenly laughed at Emily's expense.
"Millie looks like a fish out of water don't you agree?"
"She hates it more than I do."
"I know. She endures it so you could always have something to talk to her about," I gasped at the revelation.
"No way," I chuckled. She joined in.
Thirty minutes later we piled into the car to head home. I looked around for Mama Gabby and Gina. They usually don't miss salsa.
"I don't think you're best friend will make it Maa."
'Oh, she won't be coming. She's teaching a cooking class in her restaurant today. Oh! That reminds me," she said over her shoulder. "Millie, I'm dropping you at her place, so behave yourself and learn. Okay?"
"Okay," she chirped. She so easily agreed, I thought she would insist that my plans weren't legit.
We arrived at the restaurant. It was bustling with customers, as usual. We entered the restaurant, Gina and our Mother made straight to the kitchen, while my eyes searched around for Gina. I immediately spotted her and Joe talking heatedly. They were sitting by the corner on our usual seat. He was smiling. She looked like she was holding back a smile of her own. Why was he smiling? And why was I curious to know? They looked like they were shooting a romance movie, except just yesterday the hero said he liked me. What is going on? I squint my eyes, determined to find out what they were up to. I strolled toward them.
"What are you two talking about?"
"Oh goodness!"
" Oh, God !" They both exclaimed. As they were unaware of my presence. I frowned at their reaction and I sat beside Gina.
"Why so serious?" They kept quiet. Which frustrates me more. "What are you discussing so secretly about that you won't tell me?" I almost gritted my teeth.
"Ease off the attitude Donna I'm not here for you," he gently reprimanded. Which hurt my feelings a little. Just a little though.
"We were talking about the party," Gina blurted out.
His eyes went wide, "Gina!" He let out a surprised yelp.
"What?!" She shrugged, " I want her to invite me too."
"Invite? " I frowned "What are you talking about?"
"Joe was discussing how to stop you from going to Andrew's party," Gina blurted out again - earning a glare from Joe.
"Gina! You were supposed to keep it a secret, my God!" My cheeks burned with fury.
"Is it because of your crush on me again?" I sighed. " I thought that we were done talking about -"
"I'm not," he blurted. His ever-burning stare pierced its way to my skin.
"I -"
"I still like you, Donna -"
"Wow," Gina murmured. My eyes went wide. Surprised by how blunt he was.
"Joe -"
"..and I'm only looking out for you -"
"I don't need you to -"
"Well, you have no choice." Gina cleared her throat. the atmosphere was so cold - cold enough, you could feel the chill on your skin.
"Should I be listening to this conversation or .." We ignored her.
"I know how stupid guys like Andrew can be. I know that whatever I say now will sound like an excuse -"
"You don't tell me who to go out with, just like I didn't say a word when you dated countless girls," I didn't mean to sound so judgmental, but the words came out before I could stop them.
"Just two," Gina injected. Joe glared and she shrugged.
"I know what we'll do," he looked straight at me and swallowed thickly. "Let's not be so close anymore .."
"Joe don't be so selfish."
"Because I just might like you," he said with a smoldering gaze. I was dumbstruck at his words. What has gotten into this playful, goofy clown today? He stood and walked away. His tall lean body slightly hunched.
"When did he get so intense?" Gina shivered.
"You don't think he will tell my Maa about the party do you?"
"You should have thought about this before you were so sour to him just now," she scolds.
"You're not helping," I chastised.
She sighed, "he might be petty about his feelings, but Joe wouldn't do that to you even if it kills him."
"As expected a conversation with Joe always leaves me in an emotional stupor," I muttered. Frustrated at the situation.
"Want to come to the party with me?"
"Really? I could?" Her eyes widen and her lips stretched in a grin. I fought back a grin of my own. Then frowned.
"But we cannot tell my Maa about this, she would never agree to it," I stressed out every word.
"Are you sure Donna? I don't think is a great idea. I mean, your Maa was so upset the last time something like this happened -"
"Do you want to go or not?" I snapped. "You don't have to remind me of every detail Gina."
"What are you two arguing about again?" Our heads whipped toward Emily's voice. I silently hoped she didn't hear a word.
I feigned a smile, "Nothing!"
"You just said something about going somewhere and Gina vividly explained how Maa would be upset," she coldly explained.
Oh no. I panicked. She was holding a tray piled with supplies they needed in the kitchen.
"Don't you have to get those to Mama?" Gina chirped. Emily gave us a scrutinizing stare. As if she could see through our souls. She then quietly walked towards the kitchen. I turned to Gina.
"I'll come to meet you at your house then we'll go together okay?" She squealed in delight.
"Yes, yes!" Her face turned solemn and she held my hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry for not telling you about Alice my friend, it completely slipped my mind because I was carried away by the thought of having a new family that I didn't think of our relationship," I nodded in understanding.
"Stop it. Someone might think we're in a relationship. Just warn me next time so I can prepare," she nodded with a smile.
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"Are you sure about this Donna?"
"Does it matter right now? We're already here, there's no turning back," I grabbed her hands as we approached the high-fenced gated house. It was painted a royal blue. A two-story beautiful house. Nothing extravagant. Anyone could tell his parents were well off. We entered the house. The party was in full swing. It looked like everything I had imagined a typical high school party would be. Blinding blue and red lights, the slow music was new though, girls and boys I had met in school - some were standing holding drinks in hand, some were sitting on the long couch in the center of the room. Some of the girls were above my level of popularity, while some were just too cool for me to approach in school. Now is the opportunity to 'just live' I thought.
"You made it!" My head whipped. And there was Andrew, he was wearing baggy jeans and a white button-up white shirt that was a little big on his lean stature. To me, he looked angelic. I stuffed my sweaty hands in my jacket pockets.
I stepped closer, "yes I did. I told you I would make time," he smiled revealing his gap teeth that weaken my knees.
"How are you Gina?" they shook hands. Andrew was always polite. A true gentleman.
"Am cool. Great party." She commented.
He shrugged, "I try. Come, let me show you around," he held my hand, I turned over my shoulder and whisper yelled in delight at Gina. She mirrored my expression and gave me a thumbs-up. He introduced me to his friends and some of the girls sitting with them. Some of them were genuinely not interested in me, while some recognized me immediately and we flowed.
Thirty minutes later It dawned on me that I came with Gina. My eyes searched for her in the crowd. The last time I saw her she was talking with a guy she said she knew. Now I couldn't find her. I searched for Andrew, but he was nowhere to be seen. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen him since he introduced me to his friends. I made my way to the kitchen filled with drunk teenagers. I suddenly wished I was safely home in my comfortable bed. As my eyes searched the kitchen, I spotted Andrew with Alice. She again? Wasn't she sick yesterday? They were whispering words to each other that I couldn't make out because of the music. 'True colors' was playing in the background, which suited the moment perfectly. He had the biggest grin on his face. His smile was so beautiful. Nonetheless, fury overwhelmed my whole body. Angry tears pricked my eyes at the sight of them. I thought he liked me. Cause I did. Maybe I thought I did. What did everything mean?
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There I stood beside the counter in the strange kitchen and an equally strange party. My other hand held a drink in my hand while the other was folded across my stomach as I silently watch the grinding boys and girls dance against each other while some were making casual conversations on the couch in the living room. I almost felt at ease at the sight. However, at the same time, I felt the opposite. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't have come here despite my Mother's strong warnings of staying away from places like this. I could never be familiar with places like this. I might be good in academics but I had nothing on popular gatherings. Being liked by the good-looking and kind boy in school - so I could feel good about myself won't cut it. The realization of the situation dawned on me like a cold bucket of water was doused on my head. If this is what fulfillment felt like, then I don't want it. The stage where you long for things that aren't worth it, but then after longing for them for so long you realize they aren't all that. Maybe I've been chasing the wrong things. Maybe everything I think I needed is everything I have. What if I don't worry about the 'what would be' and just be? Nevertheless, after realizing this truth, the lies I told cannot be reversed or ignored unless I make them right. My eyes searched for Andrew in the crowd, but I was to no avail. I decided I'm leaving without a word to him because he didn't care to check on his guest. As I made for the door it swung open, revealing my Mother. Immediately our eyes met, I almost looked away from her hostile glare, her face contorted with rage. I gasped more at the anger that plagued her features rather than how she found out I was here. Her lip curled in anger, and she stormed towards me and grabbed my arm. This strangely feels like Deja Vu, except that year, she wasn't as livid. We stepped out into the gentle - but cold July air and onto the grass carpet in the front yard. I could see that she parked 'Duchess' a few steps away from the front yard. Her grip was so tight I thought my arm would fall off from how tight she was holding me.
"I don't understand why you never listen to me.." She murmured.
"Maa I'm sorry.."
"No need to be, now I know you're always apologetic about intentional things just to spite me," she stressed every word. She was speaking too fast as she dragged me to the car. I stumbled on some unseen stones as she dragged me behind. Everywhere was dark, except for the security lights in some houses. I hissed as pain shoots through my arm. She searches her jacket and trouser pockets for her car keys
Her hands shook as she did. My arm was still held tight in her hand.
"Who were you with?" She found her keys and turned to me with fire in her eyes. Her lips set in a tight line.
"What do you mean -
"You know very well what I mean," she snapped. "Don't you dare lie to me?"
"Andrew Salem," I croaked out. "Maa, I'm sorry. I," tears clogged my throat. She looked dumbfounded.
"It's always about the lies isn't it?" she chuckled cynically.
"No Ma.."
"Yes, it is. It's about you disrespecting everything I say! Doing what you will do and disregarding everything I taught you. You said you were going with Gina, only for me to find out you avoided her the whole, day just so you could hang out with people that don't even share anything in common with you! You're determined to fit in..." She wheezed in the air as if she couldn't fathom why I would go to such lengths. I wondered the same thing. She sighed and massaged her temples. She unlocked the doors. "Get in let's go," she said in a somber tone.
"Maa. I was invited to the party, but I couldn't tell you because I knew you would disapprove," I pathetically explained as she went to the other side of the car. My eyes followed every move she made. I won't say I enjoy being scolded but I prefer her scolding me than keeping quiet altogether.
We sat quietly in the car.
"I wish I could tell you your life would be better if you keep being incompetent." Her eyes were moist. And that made me regret my decision more. I've never seen my Mother so heartbroken before.
"I know Maa, that's why I won't do it again. I promise. Forgive me please," I desperately pleaded. The tears were already rolling down my cheek. What have I gotten myself into? Will she ever get over this and forgive me?
"Not another word from you Ladonna," she started the car," "You said those exact words last time something like this happened. We'll talk more at home. Then we'll decide if you're still going to the city to study or you'll stay where I can see you." My heart dropped at her statement. What does she mean? Did I just ruin the opportunity of going far from Bridge Valley? She was speeding faster than usual. The streets here are sparse, so it was understandable, yet a bit disturbing.
"Maa please don't make me stay back here. It has always been my dream to live in the city, you know that. If I can't do that I think I'll die, "I almost wailed as the tears clogged my throat.
"Then let's die together," she stated. I turned around and saw a truck driving right on our tail.
"Maa, I think you're speeding faster than usual. Shouldn't we slow down -" I stopped mid-sentence because my Mother was speed-talking again. She's furious at me, whatever I say now wouldn't count. So as she muttered incoherent words our car was suddenly revved forward by a force I couldn't explain. A shriek jumped out of me that I almost didn't believe came from me. The car revved off the road straight for a mango tree. All I saw was my Mother's determined expression as she tried to avoid the huge mango tree that we were headed for. In the blink of an eye, the anger in my Mother's eyes and the feeling of guilt wedged in my chest was heavier than my head, it made tears roll down my cheek. everything happened so fast. I opened my eyes and turned to the driver's side and there was my Mother, staring at me. Her fingers were wrapped around my fingers. Blood. I've never seen so much blood before. I was in shock, so much so that I didn't realize the car had stopped. Her brows were furrowed in pain, her dreadlocks were wet and thick with blood. The side of her face looked like it could swell any moment if we don't get to the hospital. I wiggled my body to face her.
"Maa, can you hear me?" I murmured. Why can't I speak any louder? I shifted closer, but my seatbelt was restricting my movement. My back felt like there was a rod poking at it.
I carefully touched her face, "Maa, if you can hear me nod, please nod," I begged silently. Looking straight at me, she nodded gently. She hissed. I smiled tearfully.
"Thank you, thank you," I murmured. I looked down and her seatbelt was not buckled in. She always made sure she did. Why not today?
"Maa where's.." I searched with my eyes where she could have kept her handbag. "where's your cell phone? I need to. I need to get you to the hospital as soon as possible," my voice shook as well as my two fingers that were still held tight in her hand.
"Donna. Donna," she rasped, "it's on the back seat. Calm down and look for it. I'm okay. Well, as long as you call for help soon. I'll be better," she managed a smile. Although I could barely see with the little light, I was relieved. I spotted the bag on the back seat. I gently struggled with the seatbelt. I finally unbuckle it and gently lift myself to reach for it. I opened it and thanked the heavens that my Mother doesn't have a password. The last call she made was to Mama Gabby. I immediately dialed her number, at the same time silently praying she picks up. She picked up at the third ring.
"Did you find her?" She spoke. Tears filled my eyes at the thought that I made everyone worry.
"Mama Gabby. What do I do?.."
"What's happened."
"It's my Mother, she's bleeding.."
"What do you mean.."
".. She's bleeding so much and I don't think it's stopping anytime soon, help us please," my husky voice explained. My mother's eyes were shut but she was still breathing.
"Donna.."
"Please.."
"Ladonna! Listen to me. I'm on my way right now. Don't move a muscle, I'll be there in a jiffy!" I scoffed. Right now, I don't think I can even feel my muscle to even think of moving anywhere.
"Please hurry," I mumbled. I dropped the phone and moved closer to my mother. Her eyes were closed but I could feel her breath on my skin as I held her close.
"Don't worry Maa -"
"I'm not," she muttered with her eyes shut.
".. I called Mama Gabby, she's on her way. Let's sit tight and wait," I mumbled. My eyes were shut to the reality of my situation, I wished this was a dream where I could just open my eyes and wake up from it. I've seen this a dozen times in movies. Where the stubborn daughter discovers that life is worthless when you're stuck pursuing the wrong things theand n suddenly realizes you already have all you need right beside you. I wish it were so, then I would fast forward and see how her life ends. I whimpered as my Mother's breath hitched.
"There's nothing to fret about Donna, I'll be fine."
"How? There's no one around here to help us!" I wailed. She chuckled and sighed. Her eyes shut tight as she winced in pain. It's so quiet in the world tonight. Cars don't pass by here as much as in our area, the crickets aren't saying words to each other like they usually do, and neither are we. I wanted to go back to when I didn't lie just to get to Andrews's party. Thus I could go back to being *that* unfulfilled but satisfied Donna, Who didn't attend a party because she wanted to impress the guy she likes, but would rather listen to her Mother's instructions. A sudden sharp light shone straight at us. I blinked out of my thoughts. I sprung to action immediately after I recognized Mama Gabby's car.
"Maa, let's lift your body gently out of the car," I mumbled to no one in particular. Four people appeared in my vision. One was Mama Gabby, the other was the baker - Mr. Thomas, and the last one was chief Williams.
"Donna! Oh my goodness, Joyce. Oh Jesus," Mama Gabby wailed as she examined me and my Mother.
"I'm okay," she incoherently.
"Let's gently lift her to the car," Chief Williams ordered. His police mode is already activated. The men did as instructed.
"Careful..carefully please.." I mumbled as I followed right behind as they carried her to the car. I hissed loudly as I missed a step. Sitting for too long must have taken a toll on ms. The cramps on my legs were real. Mama Gabby hurried towards me and held my hand.
"Donnie! Your leg looks bad. It could be broken and swollen inside.."
"I'm okay.." However, my eyes followed my Mother as she was carefully deposited in the back seat of the car. Mr. Thomas jogged towards us.
"Let's go," we both nodded and followed him to the car.
We arrived at the hospital twenty minutes later, thanks to Mr. Thoma's fast driving skills. The man could be starred in 'Fast and Furious." Luckily, because of the presence of the Chief of Police - we were attended to.
I made for the door but was pushed back outside.
"Sorry, but you have to wait here," the short nurse sternly stated.
"But she's my Mother."
"I know.
"We understand nurse," Mama Gabby said with a tired smile. She held my shoulders and gave it a tight squeeze. The nurse nodded and started towards the operating room, she suddenly stopped and turned to us.
"Oh yes, you're going to need a wheelchair."
"I think I feel fine.."
"Not possible, you cannot be on your feet for too long, unless you want it to swell."
"We'll have it please," Mama Gabby replied.
The nurse wheeled it and I pulped tiredly on it. I don't want anything but my Mother. I wondered what she must be going through In there. I chewed my nails nervously at the thought. Mr. Thomas paced around the hallway, while the chief made calls as he walked back and forth.
"Ladonna!" I turned towards Emily's terrified voice. She started at a walk and quickened to a jog. She squatted in front of me and examined. Seeing how close to tears she was made me feel more emotional and repentant. I never showed anything but coldness. However, today proved to be an exception.
"What happened? How come you and Maa had an accident? I mean, she's such a good driver! Wait. That doesn't count. Did you drive? she rambled. Her eyes looked anywhere but at me. Her tiny eyes were blinded with tears of confusion.
"I don't know how.."
"Is she okay?" she looked desperately into my eyes as she awaited my response.
I shook my head and looked down, "it's not that bad. However, her head.." I shook my head, "I've never seen so much blood."
"Girls," Mama Gabby rubbed Emily's back. "Your Mother is a strong woman, you both know that. So let's just wait and pray okay?" We nod at her words. However, the nagging hint of fear in the pit of my stomach quiets down.
We waited for an hour. My legs were getting heavier. So is my heart. I watched as Emily bit her nails as she paced back and forth.
"What is taking so long?" She whispered impatiently.
Just then, the Doctor came out with two other nurses. His face is solemn. What does that look mean? This couldn't be good. I placed my hand on my rapidly beating heart, I figured if I didn't, it will jump out right out of my chest. Mama Gabby rushed forward.
"Doctor. How is she?"
"Are you Joyce Vanni's guardian?" A deep furrow formed in his brow as he observed between us.
"Yes sir. So is she. Is she okay? Can we see he-"
"I'm sorry but she passed. We did everything we could, but the impact the hit had on her head was too hard. Simply put, she bled too.."
"Oh, no..no.." Mama Gabby mumbled.
".. much. I'm so sorry we couldn't save her," he tapped both Chief Williams and M.r Thomas'sshouldersr - they were standing behind Mama Gabby.
"You all can go see her in room '14' before you're ready for any funeral preparations," he nodded and left. I sat frozen. My legs felt like bricks were holding them down, I couldn't move, I couldn't believe what was happening. Emily was already running towards the said room '14', but I couldn't even run to see her at a time like this because of the wheelchair I was confined to. While everyone rushed to the room, I struggled to wheel something I was unfamiliar with - as my situation was - but then I wheeled forward, I turned and there was Gina. She managed a small smile and pushed me toward the room. As we wheeled through the hallway, the antiseptic hospital smell was getting stronger and getting to me. Sick people were everywhere, nurses were running here and there looking to solve the needs of these helpless people. I instantly hated being here. We halted in front of the door. The sight of Emily standing motionlessly by the bed, where Maa laid made me nauseous. If Emily was crying like that then does it mean..she's really. No. I felt myself drop from the wheelchair.
"Donna!" Gina called but I was already crawling on the floor toward the iron bed they laid her on. What was she doing on this bed? It could cause her body to ache all over, and her bed at home was much softer. I was sure I wasn't crying, but I could hear choked soft sobs, tears were dripping and dropping on the floor. Were they my tears? Was I crying? It felt very far away. Nevertheless, it was indeed real, there she was, laying peacefully on the bed, her blood-gushing head - was now cleaned and treated, she looked peaceful laying there. She didn't look like she was in pain. However, I was. As I tapped her she didn't open her eyes - as she would if I would wake her on a normal morning when she was asleep. I felt someone pulling me by the shoulders. They wouldn't understand this situation. This couldn't happen - this shouldn't be happening. We were together just an hour ago. How could she do this? I wanted her to say something one last time, anything.
"Maa.Mama .." I murmured.
"Donna, Donna .." Mama Gabby called my name helplessly.
"What is happening, what does this mean? She's not moving."
"There's no possible explanation or reason for what has happened Donna. I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this.."
"I thought she wanted to stay alive longer? She's all we have.." The tears dropped. I held my chest, the pain I felt was choking the words I needed to say. Mama Gabby was saying words but I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. All I could hear was the roaring of pain in my ears, I believe it was the physical manifestation of grief. This was it. This was how grief felt like. I never imagined a life without my Mother. It would never be the same for me and Millie. This is something unfamiliar. Something that wasn't taught in class, I would have studied how to avoid it. Mr. Newton never said grief was like a burning furnace set ablaze in one's chest.
"Mama Gabby, what are we going to do?" Her lips were set in a grim line. She gritted her teeth as she held back tears. Yet they dropped uncontrollably. She simply sat beside me on the floor and pat my back. While Emily was led outside by Gina. Mr. Thomas and the Chief had gone out to make some calls. I stood, my legs wobbled at the impact. Mama Gabby grabbed me and led me to the wheelchair, but I declined and made for the door, limping slightly. She followed quietly behind.
"Mama -"
"Yes, dear."
"Is it okay if we go home..?"