"He is completely brain dead" the nurse said like a store associate would tell you they were out of an item. I didnt know how to react. This man didnt raise me so why did it hurt?
I found out my father was in a medically induced coma two days after Christmas Eve. I wasn't shocked per-say that no one bothered to call me. I cut ties with him three years prior. He denied I was his daughter to everyone around him but would swear up and down to my face he knew I was. I was tired of him choosing woman over having a relationship with me. The excuses as to why he couldn't visit, UNLESS I was at my mothers,were ridiculous.
The last straw was him not wishing his grandson a happy birthday but posted photos of his wife on facebook the same day. The audacity that his wife had to message me THE NEXT DAY " Happy Birthday" . I went off and sent her a lengthy message.
"Do not contact me when he fucking dies with that bottle in his hand. You think he will keep that promise to you? What in the hell makes you think he will? Ask my siblings how his promises worked. If he never kept a promise to us it will be a cold day in hell that he will keep a promise to you", that was the short version.
Anyways, three years go by no contact and I am on my way home from dropping off my son to his fathers. I am scrolling on Facebook and thats when I see the news. "Medically induced coma" "Went in for a heart attack", the words running wild in my mind. I was over come with this sense of guilt. Everyone of my siblings had a time where they went no contact with our father and they reconnected years later. I was the only one who didnt get to the reconnecting part.
I felt sad and then I was angry. He knew he wasnt doing well and instead of getting himself right he chose to drown himself in booze. In my eyes he will always be a coward. This man waited until his wife wasnt home to take the kids and run, THEN abandoned one at a family reunion out of spite of a failed marriage. COWARD. It was always "Your mother was this" "I thought these people would give you a better life" yeah, they did until I was five and then it all went to shit. Thanks for that.
The family will tell me "He did the best he could", "He did what he thought was best" bullshit he was a fucking coward who was selfish and didnt give a damn about me. He denied me for 26 years he just didnt want my mother to have her kids because she was leaving him due to his infidelity. If that wasnt true he wouldn't have spent all those years asking me to give her the phone or ask her to send him nudes. Yeah, he really hated her *insert eye roll*.
My mind was full of flash backs and the words of everyone who defended the man who knew I was being molested and didnt do a damn thing about it and left me. I was so full of rage. I swore I wouldnt go see him. My mother is the one who talked me into going. Told me I'd regret it. I didn't want to. I wanted to punch him in his face for all the shit he put me through AS A CHILD. "You're grown now" is what he use to say when I wanted him to take accountabilty for his part. I would always reply "And what- the- fuck about the times when I wasnt?" he never had an answer for that.
The day I went to visit him the smell of the hospital burned my nose. I went to the floor he was on and I saw him wires all over him.
"Fuck, you can't be serious" I said to him.
"Who are you?" I didnt hear the nurse come in after I stepped in the room.
"I am his daughter" I replied pissed that I was interupted.
"He had to get mitts on he kept pulling the wires out" She looked back and forth at me and my father
" Yeah my dads an asshole, even in a coma" I said without a second thought.
"Well, enjoy your visit" with that she left the room.
I didnt know whether I wanted to sit or stand. To speak or to keep quiet. I was angry seeing him like this but I was also sad. After a few moments I finally went up to him and said; "Hey, its Kat, I know I am the last person you'd ever want near your fucking ass but I found out this is where you were. I didnt even want to come but ma told me I should. I kind of regret it but at least now I can tell you what I feel without hearing your shit" I felt the tears start to well up. His face was turning red and his arms were moving trying to get the cords. I didn't care I was going to let it out and I didn't care who the hell heard me.
"Listen asshole, you have to stop trying to take them wires out and just wake the fuck up so I can cuss you out while you're looking at me. Three fucking years and this is how I have to see you. You chose pussy and booze over each one of your fucking kids but I was the only one you left with randoms. You never owned up to your mistakes. Denied me but refused to take a fucking DNA. Fuck dad, you say your word is all you got but you've been feeding people bullshit" I had to take a breath. I seen the nurses watching me. I knew they didnt believe I was his kid. I looked nothing like him.
I knew he could hear me. His face was beat red and his arms were going crazy. I watched his heart rate. I didnt want to cause him harm but this wasnsuppose to be the last time I seen him until he got out of the hospital. The nurse came in and asked me a few questions and I told her flat out the man didnt raise me. I hated hearing how great he was. If he was so great he would've been a fucking father. I still to this day hate that shit.
I ended up leaving after the nurse came in. "See you later" she said. "No the fuck you won't" I mumbled under my breath. I wasnt coming back. If he wants to be a part of my life he will contact me when he gets out. Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needed to get his head out of his ass.
A week after I seen him I got really sick. Felt like I was drowning. This was Pre-Covid. I got updates here and there about him. I'd get calls from my mother demanding I tell her things I knew nothing about. She made it all about her. I was too sick to deal with any of this shit. I stopped answering my phone.
I talked to my counselor about it all. I was angry. I wanted him to wake up just so I could tell him off. He didnt want to be my father so bad he was willing to die to get out of it. Coward. I did my best to stay sober but as the news wasnt getting any better the more booze sounded appealing. The fucking irony. I was sober since August 28th or 2018 and my father was in the hospital since December 24th 2019 but when I got the news of no change was in January 2020. I was just as much a hypocrite as my father when it came to alcohol. I knew it then but made excuses.
Staying sober was hard. One night I was laying in bed breast-feeding my daughter and my phone goes off.
"Hey, Kat?" it was my brother
"Yeah?" I could hear the pain in his voice and I knew
"There is no change and that infection did a number on his organs, we are gonna have to let him go" I could hear how hard he tried to keep it together.
"Okay, he didnt want to be hooked up like this anyways" I said numb to what was happening
"Okay, you gonna come say goodbye?" I didnt know what to say to his question.
"I don't have a ride and the kids dad is at work, I have to call to find a babysitter and a ride" we both said our goodbyes and I lost it. I was over come with strong emotions.
All the pain I felt since I found out the man existed, the pain of abandonedment, the pain of being failed by him, and the pain of him refusing to be the dad I needed. I couldn't catch my breath each time I thought I was able to compose myself another wave of pain would hit me like a ton of bricks. How could he go out like this? Why did I waste my time cussing him out when I couldve got closure that I needed? So many woulda, coulda, shoulda but didn'ts.
My sister ended up picking me up after my kids father got out of work. On our way there we made small talk. They hated the fact I lived in the "hood". At the time I had a relationship with my mother, who everyone and their brothers hated. Its always been awkward to be around a bunch of family to hear them talk shit about her. They never had the decency to hold their tongues about her in front of me. God forbid I spoke on their family though *insert eye roll*.
When we finally arrived to the hospital and we smoked a ciggarette before we went in. The cold burned my fingers but I didnt feel it after the third drag. I was stalling time in my own way. I hated the fact this was going to be how the relationship ended with the man I never knew. I hated myself for not being like my siblings who all loved him for who he was flaws and all but I never could bring myself to do it. Toxic was toxic. Right?
We head up to the ICU, we waited to get buzzed in. Finally, all six of us headed back and was greeted by his favorite cousin. I never met her before this time but I heard about her when my father lived with me for a month when he first moved back from Nevada. Then I seen the wack job of a woman this man called his "good friend". I didn't like her and I will explain why later on. We all made our way to him. My sisters called their loved ones through video chat to say goodbye. I walked out I had a kideny infection and I couldnt hold it together at the time so I went to the restroom.
"Why the fuck did you kill yourself you piece of shit!?! How could you do this to your kids! You couldn't be a father to me but the least you could've done was be a father to them!" As I spoke to the ceiling knowing his soul was already gone, I had to talk in the bathroom because I knew if I had said this shit it wouldve cause problems with my siblings. I didn't care about the others. To me they weren't my family because all they did was talk shit about my mother. My siblings had a reason but the rest barely knew her and only knew what my father told them. Let me tell you, he lied about hating her to anyone who would listen but the messages and the years of him begging for her back says differently.
He was a great bullshitter I give him that. I am sure the last three years he meant it but prior he definetly did NOT hate my mother. I was used so they could talk. It was exhausting and I just wanted my dad to want to be a part of my life so I'd do anything just to have him talk to me. Sad isn't it. Don't feel sorry, I wasnt a victim. It just is what it is.