Some would say addiction is a choice others call it a disease. Me, personally, I call it my choice. I can only speak on my addiction. How can I recover worrying about the person next to me? You can't recover that way. Everyone has their way of getting on the path of recovery. Meetings never helped me. I hated their "hugs not drugs" nonsense. I don't like being touched. I loathed groups for mental illness. The people pissed me off. So I went through the steps on my own. I didn't want to tell anyone I relasped. I don't think the people closest to me even know I am an addict, in recovery but still an addict. I wonder if they'll look at me different..
I woke up every morning craving. I wanted to numb everything that happened in the last few months of 2020. Covid lockdown hit two months after my father died and it just made the cravings worse. I hated being isolated. Funny because I will isolate myself when I get in a depressive manic state. Ironic isnt it? Everyone did the best they could to keep sane. I saw people through windows for a while. Door drop offs of necessities. Job lay offs. It was brutal and truamatic for those who suffer mentally.
I didn't want to get out of bed most days. It took so much energy. The world would keep spinning even if I wasn't here, I thought. I have children, I reminded myself. That's what kept me going. Losing my father brought back childhood feelings. I heard the 12 year old me screaming inside of me. I tried to talk about it but I was always made to feel like I was being dramatic or irrational or selfish. My siblings knew him I didn't. Who the hell was I to say I loved him or missed him? In reality I didn't. I didn't know him enough to love him. I didn't want to know him after he left me with that piece of shit.
I felt for my siblings. Especially my brothers. They were closer to him than any of us. He always had one of his boys with him in their adulthood. They never could do anything that made him shun them. I didn't recieve the same courtesy. It was "you fucked up fuck you" and never speak to me again unless I apologized. I didn't owe that man shit. I sat up in my bed and shook all the racing thoughts out of my mind,
Today was the day I was going to ask questions about to those who knew my father and find out about the man I never knew. I wasn't prepared for anything but I was ready.