Finding out the news about being his daughter , lets just say I am not taking it well. How am I suppose to take it? He had 26 years. 26 years. I remember back when I was 14 I would call the Maury Show almost every week praying he'd help me find out who my father was. I never recived a call back. Now I am 26 finding all this time this man didn't have a valid excuse as to why he did what he did.
He created doubt before I even knew he existed with hs other children and relatives The reaon for denial : Hee didn't believe he could have a blonde hair blue eyed baby. He slept with a woman who had blonde hair and blue eyes, He didn't know about how genetics worked, obviously. Too much of a coward to find out himself but had the balls to tell me he "did his best". I know what I don't want in a man, anything like him repulsed me just thinking about it. I hate the coward more than words can express. He didn't deserve to have children, let alone have anyone to pass down his last name.
I try to calm my thoughts down with a cup of coffee with more cream and sugar than coffee. It's the only way I'll drink it. I do my best to revert my attention off the thought that are racing in my mind.
"MOMMY!!!", my youngest daughter screams. Snaps me right out of my deep trance. She was my first girl. I had three boys before I finally had her. Before I got my two out of my three boys home I found out I was pregnant. I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
I talked shit about females who lost their kids to the system and instead of fighting they would just have more children to replace the ones they lost. It made me sick. I don't believe in having an abortion, FOR MYSEFLF, to each ther own but I had a child from rape and I love them with my ENTIRE soul. Abortion was not n option for me then and it wasn't for this pregnancy either. I wasn't excited about this pregnancy. Who would be in my situation who was fighting for their kids?
I found out the gender and I cried and told her in utero she will never feel worthless or unloved. I fought like hell for a year for her brothers to come home and I fought just as hard that she would never be anywhere but with me. As soon as she was born there was an instant bond. To this day she is a momma's girl. I don't have favorites when it comes to any of my children but my daughter is the only one who is all about me. My boys and youngest daughter are all about their daddy.
Anyways, this was our routine. She wakes up screams my name and tackles me. It is without fail. I shake all of what was on my mind prior and I pick up my daughter and give her a big squeeze. I hold back tears and whisper "I love you my princess, I hope you slept well". One last big squeeze and I set her down and go make breakfast for all of my children. I have to remind myself everyday that I don't have time to dwell. I don't have time to worry about the past. I have little eyes watching me. I will not fail them the way I was. They will not grow up and have to recover from a childhood they never asked for,
The day goes as normal, I love being a mom. I may not be liked by most but no one will ever say I'm not a good mother. My children are well mannered, funny, full of love, they are the better parts of me that I hide. I am proud of my children. We laugh ad play the day away. Then before we know it it's bedtime. The worst/best time of the day. You can't wait until they fall asleep so you can finally catch your breath, but as soon as they are asleep you feel alone and have no idea what to do with yourself.
I try to keep my mind busy cleaning from todays adventure but the thoughts come back full force. I hear the "WHEEEEE" and I dart up the stairs. I cuss under my breath. "Why is this happening? Am I going crazy?", I ask myself. I call my friend to tell her its happening again;
"What am I suppose to do? How do I make it stop? Flush him? Do I bury him? Set the ashes on fire?" I am panting from being out of breath.
"Kat, he's already been burnt to a crisp what the hell is setting him on fire going to do? Why the hell would you think flushing him gonna work, I think thats illegal to do anyways. I don't know why it is happening. Maybe his way of saying he's there?", she offered. I think she is trying her best to calm me down but saying "to let you know he's there" causes more anxiety and rage.
"I don't know why the hell he'd bother, he wasn't there for me in life I don't want him here in death. I hate him. I hate what hes done. He's a coward. I don't owe him a god damn thing. He needs to leave me the hell alone and go bother his chosen family." I spat looking around the room not knowing where he was.
"Kat, come on what it its a demon posing as him?"
"The demon chose the wrong one to try to get me to drop my guard. Should've chose my nana or my pappy. I don't now why the hell the demon thought posing as a coward was the way to go but Satan needs to fire him ASAP" I laughed as I said it. It was comical.
"Kat, I'm being serious demons are not a force to mess with" her tone let me know she wasn't kidding.
"Hey, If it is a demon it's not one to worry about. It chose the wrong person to try to get me to trust it. I have to let it know it fucked up and shouldn't be a demon after this" I was serious I no longer found humor in this situation. We hung up after changing the subject to something more entertaining.
There I was again alone in the silence. I heard him walking down stairs and the "WHEEEE" noise. I was fed up. I screamed "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH YOU!!!!". Finally, it was quiet and I fell alseep only to end up dreaming of him.
"Hey little one, why are you so angry?" seeing him pissed me off even more than hearing him.
"Don't give me that shit, you know exactly why I am angry. You died before you could take accountability for all your shit" I glared at him.
"Listen, I can't change shit, I can't take it back. You think this is easy for anyone? I left my wife, my kids, my grandkids, and my fawking dog.'' he looked sad but I didn't care.
"YOU chose to leave them. YOU chose to continue drinking, to smoke, to kill yourself. We all begged your ass to stop. We heard your promises for years. You fooled your chosen family but you are too much of a coward to tell me to my face why you kept promises to everyone else but the ones who came from you. I did the DNA thing I am your daughter. Thanks for leaving that on us. Thanks for denying me to them to the point that it hurt them to find out I was related to them. You wanna sit here feeling sorry for yourself over the shit you did to yourself be my guest but get out of my head and leave me alone" I started to walk away and felt his hand grab my arm. I turn around and see the tears falling from his face.
"I am not perfect, I made a lot of mistakes, I failed as the father all of you kids needed. I shouldn't have done a lot of the things I did but I can't take it back. I am dead little one. I can't come back." he looked defeated. He didn't look at peace at all. I wasn't going to give him the peace he was looking for. He wants forgiveness I wont ever forgive him.
"You're not my dad, I want you to leave me alone from now on. I want you to go see the family you chose over your kids. I want you to go see the daughter you chose to keep promises to. The one who believed she was more important than your biological children. YOU did this. YOU. I can't forgive a coward. You took the easy way out. You talked all that shit about me being a runner but look at you. You ran everytime shit went south. When times got hard. You were a runner and you ran when you died. you didn't fight. You gave up. I have no respect for you. Goodbye."
I never turned back. I didn't want to see his face. I hated him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He never had an issue with that before he died. He shouldn't have that problem now. He's not my father. My father is not a coward.