The ache in my chest gets to be unbareable medication no longer dull the ache. I am waiting on my counselor to connect to the video chat.
"Hey Katherina, hows.. What's going on?" the concern on her face made it worse. I wanted to pretend I was okay.
"Nothing, I am just tired." I wasn't convincing at all.
"Tell me what's going on." she waits paitently
"Just about the 23&Me. I handled the news , okay I didn't handle it well. I told everyone I ws okay but they don't get it." now I can't hold it in anymore. "I don't understand why he left that on us to figure out. I wish it came back he wasn't my father, it would've made sense why he wasn't there."
My counselor llistened and finally said "Your feelings are valid, I couldn't imagine going through all you had to. I think talking about it is the first step to really healing."
I was over talking about it and went on to talk aabout my child going to school. We hung up and I lit a ciggarette. It was much needed after that. I feel like I am beating a dead horse but I bottled up these feelings for years. Everytime I would try to talk about it I'd get shut down. I gave up for a long time. Now I'm exploding. I still get shut down but I won't stop talking.
I know there are people have had it harder but I can't heal worrying about the other person next to me. I have to heal so I can break the cycle. I can't forgive him. I can't forgive my mother. Both destroyed my childhood. My innocence. I begged for help and no one listened and now I am grown and I have to navigate through thi world through the years of pain on my own.
Don't get me wrong my chosen parents, who I call my mom and dad, have been nothing but loving and supportive. My chosen mother especially. I couldn't have gotten through what I have with out her. I try to focus on that. I love them with all of my heart. Their love is truly unconditional.
My mind raced of all the people I loved that have passed. My Nana, Pappy, and my best friend. My mind was off my father, which was good, but now it was on them. The never getting to say goodbye kills me. I became angry that I said goodbye to the man who denied me for 26 years. I could no longer breathe I felt my lungs began to hurt. Everything went black.
I woke up on the floor. How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? Did I hit my head? So many questions. I went and took my medication and tried to remember what happened. I start to remember. Never had an issue grounding myself but this was so much pain all at one time. Why are these feelings starting all over again? Its been 8 years since my best friend passed, 5 years since my pappy, and a year since my nana, why now?
The pain was gut wrenching. I didn't feel this type of pain when I thought of my father. I would rather feel the anger and pain of abandonment from the thoughts of him than the thoughts of losing my loved ones. It doesn't get easier as time passes it gets harder. It always feels like yesterday. Every second of everyday the hurt is just as bad as it was when the day I found out they were gone.
Getting deep in thought causes me not to hear my phone until the last ring. I miss the call, it was my friend who only calls when their life is in shambles. i don't feel like talking. As I press the power button they call again. I give in and answer.
"Hello?" I know they can hear I am annoyed hopefully they won't talk long.
"Girl, listen to this, I.." obviously if they noticed they didn't care at all, typical.
"Hey, I am trying to get stuff done here I can't talk" before I allowed them to respond I hung up. Why the hell did they think I wanted to hear the latest drama of their life? i listen every week for hours not saying a word but as soon as I try to talk they get mad and say "This isn't about you". It was only to say I had to use the restroom or that I am hungry. I gave up being the convinient friend.
It's around 8, my children are in bed so I turn on the TV and start watching documentaries. When ever I feel low I watch or rewatch them. "The only reason they found out he killed those girls was because he confessed" "WHY WOULD YOU MURDER PEOPLE IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO SNITCH ON YOURSELF" I am one of those people who yell at their TV like they can hear me.
This goes on until I am so exhausted I know I won't dream. I don't want to dream. I don't want to wake up with pain in my chest or get reminded of anything. I just want it to fade to black and continue until the morning. No pain and heartache just the peace of the black nothingness. So tired of the pain.