I didn't want to deal with it I needed a ciggarette and I couldn't stand the old bat in the corner talking about "He told me.." I stopped listending after I heard those words. "You knew shit lady" I said in my head. Lucky I didn't say it out loud. Walking out of his room I couldn't help to notice all of the other paitents there. I saw families holding hands of their loved ones. Whispering "Please don't go, fight". I felt sorry for all of them. I was just here. I didn't have a reason. I didn't really want to say goodbye, I was still angry.
God forbid my siblings knew how I felt. They wouldn't understand. They knew the fat fuck. Even if he was a dead beat to them they had him in and out of their life. I didn't have him in mine more than 6 months. I know its not a pissing contest but lets be real here, if you asked us questions about the man I can promises you they'll know the answer to most if not all. I knew shit about it. I was jealous of them all. They all had his tan skin, brown hair, and brown eyes. Meanwhile, I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin that would burn and never tan. I really don't blame him for denying me I just wish he did it to my face instead of to his family. I was trapped on this train of racing thoughts until the cold breeze slapped me in the face when the doors opened to the outside.
We all were smoking everyones eyes were red from crying throughout the night. I wanted to be home because not even a few minutes before our cousins arrived and had to make a snide comment about my mother. It's not their fault but they should have a little decency I know I wasn't perfect by any means but no reason to talk shit when my father was being kept alive only by machine. I know I talked hella shit back when I was 18 about how none of my dads side could spell. I was disowned by a lot of people that day. No excuse I was an asshole. So I sucked it up when they all talked shit about her to make up for calling them illiterate. It just bothered me that they all did it without a care. I was sucking it up but shit can you guys just focus on what's happening in this moment?
I small talked with a few of them but I spoke more to my brother who shared the same parents. I always felt a bond with him. Yeah, we didnt have the relationship of normal brother and sister, we barely talked, rarely seen each other, but when we did it was like there wasn't any lost time. He and I had a rocky relationship for many years. He always stuck up for our dad and I stuck up for our mom. In reality they both were pieces of shits.
"HEYYYY HE MOVED HE FUCKING MOVED" his wife came out screaming. We all raced upstairs to see what she was talking about. The nurse was in the room when we got there and said "I'm sorry but he isnt responding to commands". I could see the utter disapointment in my siblings faces.
"He did move, I don't want to go through with this" as his wife said those words I seen my sisters faces turn red with fury.
"So I just had my children say fucking goodbye..." I was in shock that we all came out here just for her to decide he wasnt dying today. As I was deep in thought I seen my sisters stomp out of the room. I looked back at our dad and thought in my head "You poor bastard" and walked out to the waiting area to be with them. Mostly just to be away from his "chosen" family. Thats what I called them. No offense to them but he always chose those who shared no blood with him. I mean same but I had a legit reason, I was raised in a family who didn't have a drop of the same DNA as me.
My brothers were just coming up from smoking and my sisters informed them that we wasted our time coming up. It was a shit show to say the least. My one sister was on a rampage the other practically said fuck this shit and I was just here. When my one sister went back to his room to give a piece of her mind I followed. Finally, after what felt like hours we were all on the same page of pulling the plug.
The nurse told us we could leave and I decided to stay. I thought Dales brain anerysm was truamatic this tops that by a long shot. The sounds is what did it for me, I lost it. I couldn't hold it together anymore and I kept whispering "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again through the tears and sniffles. I felt a hand on my shoulder it was the crazy old bat that I couldn't fucking stand.
"You should leave he wouldn't want you to see this" I did my best to ignore the old broad. "Come on you need to go" she kept touching me and I snapped.
"I NEED to be right here, YOU don't understand. I am STAYING RIGHT HERE" that was the nicest response I could say to that woman. In my head I was hoping my dad could hear me "Where the fuck do you find these weird ass people". See, told you there was a reason. She had no business being where she didn't belong. I know I didn't have a leg to stand on but shit this woman only knew him for a short time and thought she had grounds to tell ME what I NEEDED to do.
After the tubes were removed everyone gathered in his room. My sister played music and I stood there doing my best not to cry in front of them. I had no reason to cry. I cut him off. I didn't try hard enough like they did. None of them believed I was his kid as it was so in all honesty I shouldn't have been there. I am not mad at them its just the Gods honest truth.
It felt like hours hearing the raspy breathing. Few times we thought he left the earth to be hit with the "WHHHEEEEEEEEE" sound. In my head I was screaming "Please just die" I know it was wrong to think but shit how many "WHHHHEEEE" sounds can you handle before its like fuck you're being dramatic, even in death. My father's family were all a wreck and here I was screaming "JUST DIE ALREADY", I never said I was normal nor mentally stable. My siblings got his looks and I got his mental illnesses, I was jipped.
The "WHHEEE" was happening less and less. His final "WHEEEE" was louder than the rest. I think they called what he was doing was the breath of death or something like that. He was dead his body was shutting down after being wired up to the machines. I knew he went when I felt his body get cold. His skin was a yellowish grey color. The doctors tried to argue the time of death and wouldn't listen to anyone. January 17th was the day his soul left his body.
Or so I thought.