Ren

Why do eggs change their texture from being a hard shell, to a liquid with a liquid like substance in the center, to a solid? It is quite odd, why can it not just keep the same texture throughout its inanimate life? Plenty of other things do, apples, lamps, celery, oranges, yogurt, milk, sugar, spices, applesauce…I hear a shuffling from down the hall, followed by AJ's groggy morning sounds as he moves into the kitchen to make coffee.

"What're you doing genius? You don't have heat vison, you can't cook the egg just by staring at it."

he says in a sleepy voice. He slowly makes his way to the coffee pot, the grog of the early morning clouding his mind as he tries to pour the coffee into a mug that isn't there. He pauses and sighs, turning his attention to the white shelf that rests directly next to the counter that the coffee pot is on. He grabs his favorite mug. Powder blue with purple splatters of paint, I believe it reminds him of Millie. Purple was, after all, her favorite color. He grabs the coffee once more and pours it, leaving a little room for cream; as he always does. A gesture that has become entirely too familiar to me, but never tiresome. As with most other aspects of AJ, I have never been bored of his morning routine, the way he stumbles downstairs every morning, the way he speaks with a slight lisp until he's had his first cup of coffee, the way he holds the cup in his hands as if it were a precious blessing, nor have I ever tired of the discreet way he glances at me. Every morning. There is always something quite intimate in his eyes when he regards me. Sometimes I feel as if he forces it, but I never ask. I simply assume I think that way because of how long it took AJ to be comfortable with his sexuality. To think he can look at me that way so openly now seems entirely improbable. Impossible to me in some way.

"That is surprising as I can do other things just by staring at them."

I continue to stare at AJ, quietly admiring the man he has turned into. What have I turned into? I do not feel different than I used to be, I was quite advanced but I cannot help but feel as if something about me should be different than it was 4 years ago. He snorts, "Yeah, like what?" He takes a delicate sip off his cup and looks back at the egg I hold in my hand.

"I can get you to take off your clothes quite easily by simply staring at you." AJ smiles, I have never managed to shake the fluttering feeling in my stomach when he smiles so genuinely, so flirtatiously. "Interesting theory, genius. But did you ever consider that you already have your clothes off by that point?"

I trace his gaze back to the egg before cracking it into the frying pan and hearing that satisfying sizzle that follows.

"I did not, intriguing counterpoint."

AJ rolls his eyes at me and runs his hands through his wild hair. He looks at his reflection in the nearby window exposing the early morning sunlight. The sunlight blooming in through the window offers a glowing halo around his body. Sparking in his eyes and lightening his blonde hair. I am very glad he outgrew the platinum white and pink hair. It was quite aggravating to look at. Too chaotic. While AJ may want chaos to suit him, it really does not at all. AJ clicks his tongue.

"You see what you do to me? It's gonna take at least 15 minutes to get my hair to lay the way it's supposed to."

"It is not my fault that your moaning encourages me to continue."

I flip the egg, careful not to break the yolk. The yolk is such a fragile thing…. Like the human mind, so malleable, impermanent. Tragic. Hands wrap around me and lay on the bare skin under my T-shirt. The gesture shocks me and I intake a sharp breath. AJ begins kissing along my shoulder up to my neck. I wonder how it would have felt to me if AJ was able to do this when we were younger. Would I be tired of it by now? It had only been two years since AJ had become comfortable with himself, with the nagging feelings we have always had towards each other. Just before then he had been missing for 6 months. I had tried tirelessly to locate him, and Darren, well, he seemed devastated. I had never known Darren and AJ to be close but perhaps the thought of losing an agent under his watch was too insurmountable of a consequence for the man. I could not find AJ, not even the slightest clue. Not even a whisper. He showed up one late night wordlessly. Bruised, cut, burned and traumatized. He moved through the base like a ghost. Showing up at my bedroom door as I had layed across the floor, staring at my string map searching for any correlation between where AJ could be and his mission. He came to me without any hesitation, never saying a word. Simply curled up against me on the floor and fell asleep. Tears had soaked me that night, AJ's as well as my own. He has never told anyone what happened, only that he completed his mission. I do not suppose he ever will tell anyone what he has gone through. Perhaps Amora would be able to find out. She will be among us soon enough. As will Raven. An icy feeling spreads across my chest. AJ and Amora were close, I never fully understood their bond. I wonder if AJ would let his connection with Amora disrupt his feelings for me once again.

"AJ."

I begin quietly, I pull him from behind me and pin him against the counter, interlocking our fingers and pressing my forehead against his. "I suppose we should have a conversation about Raven and Amora."

AJ stays silent as he stares at me, it is difficult for me to read his eyes. "Why would we need to talk about them? What is there to discuss?" He eyes me carefully, unsure of where I am coming from. I myself am not too sure as to what my expectations are.

"Well…"

I trail off, regretting starting this dreadful conversation.

"Ren," AJ says with care in his voice "What is it?" he says softly.

"It is no secret to me that you and Amora have a special connection. One you never truly were able to understand before we joined the agency. I also realize she has been taking care of Jason and Millie for all this time…. I wish to know..." The topic of AJ is never an easy one for me to discuss, perhaps all the emotions of mine that surround him. Perhaps it is due to all of my insecurity when it comes to him. Perhaps it is the fact that my own stability relies so much on how he treats me. It makes me so weak. Disgustingly, pathetically weak. I hate feeling weak, the mere thought of being vulnerable to an enemy disgusts me. Sometimes so overwhelmingly that bile rises in my stomach when I set my eyes upon AJ.

"Know what, Ren? If I want to leave you, because of her?" He looks at me accusingly, one thing has not changed about AJ, he still has quite the hot temper.

"You and Amora have something confusing, something curious to the both of you. I would not be surprised if you wished to explore it when you two are reunited." The disgust has subsided, now I am only afraid. The thought of losing AJ to Amora, having to watch him be happy with someone else. The thought fills me with so much anguish I wonder if I would kill Amora before allowing AJ to love her in such a way.

" Ren…" He looks away from me but pulls me closer, he is about to share a secret, one he has kept from me for a long time. I am not surprised. I have come to accept that AJ has many secrets. I am not excluded from those that he pretends with. "I already have explored it, I can't love her that way, it doesn't fit. She's like a sister, or a partner in battle. Not a lover. I'm upset that you really think I would just leave you... after everything we've been through? What do you take me for?" AJ looks up at me with exasperation. Any compassion gone and replaced with accusation and offense. He pulls away from me but does not let go of my hands. "I care about you, Ren. You think I'm that shallow to just leave you for some girl I haven't spoken to in years?"

The words settle on me uncomfortably, the spark in his eyes sets alight in me as well. If he wishes to accuse me I will give him something to accuse me of.

"Why do you never say love?" I ask him, suddenly and viciously. He freezes, the man I have grown so accustomed to, so intertwined with, pales ever so slightly. He tries to pull his hands away but I hold them tighter. It makes him noticeably more agitated and uncomfortable. If he wishes to accuse me of being irrational, I will be. "I love you, AJ." I say through gritted teeth, I pull him closer to me and look him in the eyes.

"Why do you never say you love me?"

"Ren let go of me." He says with a dark tone as he tries to wrench his wrists out of my grip. I look him up and down coolly, "Why? Am I hurting you? Are you afraid of me?" I grip him tighter. AJ stares up at me, unflinching, as he trained himself to do as a boy, against the abuse his father put him through. I watch tears gather in his eyes, suddenly I am keenly aware of what I am doing. I let go of him and stagger back. A piercing pain shoots through my temple and the room seems to swirl. I fall back against something solid, the shelf with all the coffee mugs. I hear a few things clatter to the ground before my vision comes back to me in swimming colors. AJ is staring at me, his green eyes wide with what I know cannot be concern. Not after what I had just done.

"AJ." I begin to form an apology in my head to express my regret. Why did I do that? He simply holds up a shaking hand and looks away from me. Regaining his composure. When he looks back at me there is a deep resentment in his eyes. In a calm, cold voice he speaks to me, clearly and evenly. He points a finger, I notice slight bruises already beginning to form on his wrists.

" If you ever touch me like that again. I will not hesitate to injure you, which you know I am quite capable of." He lets out one more shaky breath and then continues. "If you want to talk to me about something you can use your words, not your hands, but that doesn't mean I won't get upset by what you say." He clutches the marble gray countertop with white knuckles, his head angled downwards as he looks up at me with venom, the infamous viper herself would quiver at the sight of it. I am rarely afraid of AJ but I am no stranger to the expanse of his wrath. This is one of the few times where I know it is safer for me to remain silent. I nod at him coyly, not wishing to give him any indication that I do not understand.

"Well?" He lifts one hand from the counter and gestures at me to continue my complaint, with my words, not my hands. I never want to lay a hand on him in such a way as I just did. I need to be more careful.

"I am just worried that once she is here you will be overwhelmed with emotion, you will not know which ones you are feeling. I do not take you for a man who makes a decision of the heart so impulsively. I know you care for me in a way you cannot care for Amora. I was just worried, I did not realize you had already explored such an avenue with her. I am sorry to have made you feel like I regarded you in a negative light." I say every word mechanically, careful not to have it misconstrued. AJ stares at me, the anger washed from his face, I have not been brave enough to look him in the eye yet. I know he has noticed it.

"Ren." he says calmly, his grip on the counter loosening and his head raising. "Look at me." he says gently. I slowly do as he asks, I am overburdened with the guilt of what I have done. I cannot help but let my eyes linger on where his bruises are turning an angry purple. I have never dared to raise a hand to him like that. I always tried to convince him not every man would abuse him like his father had. The bitter irony that I would abuse him in the same way is taunting. I eventually drag my eyes to his, I always try to mask my emotion but now I think it is important that he sees the guilt in my eyes.

"You do not have to be afraid of Amora. Yes she may be taking care of my family, but you've been taking care of me. You've been taking care of me my entire life " His voice is strained, it is hard for me to care about all the times I had taken care of him in the past as I watch him hide his bruises behind his back. Refusing to look at them, to see what I am truly capable of. He always attempts to ignore my outbursts but I am afraid that they have become more consistent, though never violent towards him. I take a step towards him, he does not flinch. He knows me well enough to understand when I am dangerous and when I am not. I wrap him in my arms and hold him loosely, careful not to alert him to any sort of ill intent since I have none. He stands motionless in my arms for a few moments, the silence between us echoing through my head like a bomb. He slowly brings his arms up and wraps them around my neck. He holds me close to him.

"It's okay Ren, I've been through worse. You know that."

"Yes AJ I understand that, however it has never been by my own hands." I shudder against his embrace as I feel my blood simmering through my veins. AJ's thin and delicate hands trace the sway of my neck as I lean over him.

"Just don't do it ever again."

He says in my ear with that familiar dark tone. His grip on me stays gentle nonetheless. I look into his eyes once again,without fear or guilt. I simply look at him. Those deep green eyes of his, they never cease to relieve me of my breath. I only want him to be happy, I am just afraid that his happiness does not lie with me.He strokes the back of my head, staring through me, as he often does, I wonder what it is he thinks about when he does this. Truly I would be an imbecile to believe he thought about me. Part of his mind is always in that far away place, with someone else. Perhaps someone he has not even met yet longs for anyways. I decide to ignore it once again. The only time I would rather be blissfully ignorant is when it comes to where AJ wishes he could be other than with me. I nuzzle against his neck, wishing to breathe in the never-tired scent of him. The gesture seems to bring AJ back to this room with me, he bunches his fingers in my hair and leans back against the counter. His morning coffee rests just behind us, he clumsily pushes it out of the way, allowing a few drops of the powdery dark amber liquid to spill. I bite his ear and begin kissing him, I run my fingers through his hair and pull, a kink of his I have become quite fond of. Ready to lose myself in his skin I lift him onto the counter.

"Boys."

Says a gruff voice from behind us, I pull away from him and turn to face Darren. "Sir?"

he sighs a long sigh, one I am very used to, it seems that idiocy and fake ignorance is quite a pet peeve of his

"What did I say about making out on my counter." He stands stiff against the far wall of the kitchen, a tired glint in his eyes. He is always tired. I have never asked much about our agency director, I remember distinctly how well he hides his secrets. I think shamefully of the younger me who regarded Darren with such hatred, looking for anything to harm, to see if I would be impressed by any one thing a human would say. I hope to never return to that dark point.

"Not to," AJ interjects, his smirk betraying any sort of seriousness he intended to fake.

"Then why are you doing it?" Darren and AJ often share banter like this, I believe it grants them an excuse to argue.

AJ barks out a laugh, "Oh, you're saying that you thought we would listen to you? That was dumb, seems you should know better by now boss man." AJ says it tauntingly, he still sits atop the counter but I notice he's hiding his arms behind his back. Trying not to allow Darren to catch sight of the bruises I had just given him. Any deterioration of my mental stability and he would see to it personally to keep me off the field. Although in technology lies my strength I find a certain balance doing field operations. I am good at it as well, perhaps not as skillful as AJ but he is accustomed to being sneaky. I have always relied on my wit to keep me out of trouble.

"AJ, get the hell off of my counter and do 20 pushups. Now." Darren's eyes spark and his voice commands obedience. He is a very respectable man in my opinion. Clever, strong, demanding, and yet somehow still compassionate. Agile in the field and quick with his mind in pressing situations. I take the time to look at Darren very occasionally, I notice the rigidity in his stance and the fire sparking in his eyes, He stands up straight and tall, and he really is quite tall, 6'3" I believe. His arms are crossed over his chest as he regards AJ with superiority, daring him to refuse. After a long pause and an elongated sigh, AJ knows it is best interest to obey Darren when he gets that specific look in his eyes. Darren was a military man after all, we both knew he was capable of creating atrocious consequences for disobeying orders. At the sight of AJ finally doing what he was told Darren smirks triumphantly. His smile drops as he eyes the stove, he seems unfazed yet slightly concerned. His dark brows pulled together.

"Uh, England? Your egg there is kind of on fire."

I look at the egg and find his statement to be true.

"Oh."

I watch the flames dance. The bright orange stands against the black skillet with bold undeniability. Fire is an untamed source of power, I have always admired it, so pure in its truth; harm. I wish I could be like fire. Then I must always remember how fire can dance but it also burns, it burns with a slow irreplaceable feeling of dread. Ensuring every last atom it touches is demolished. I do not wish to destroy everything, only some things; however I am restrained by society. The putrid scent of the burning egg reaches my nose. I barely notice. I am watching as the flames dance. I remember speaking with AJ, years ago, we had spoken of fire in metaphor to love, to passion. I have come to realize fire and love have nothing in common at all. I reach out to touch the flames, my finger inching closer and closer to the heat. I hear Darren call my name, or maybe AJ? I am so close, I feel the flames lick up around my finger, and then it goes out. The flame that was there has disappeared. I snap out of my daze and look at AJ, he's holding a cup that was filled with water, he dumped it on the flame.

"Ren?"

AJ says carefully, concern lighting his tone.

"Yes AJ?" He still holds the cup of water in his hand, staring at me as if I have done something impossible and he wishes for me to explain how. I do not understand how AJ can still be so surprised by my actions after watching them for so many years. I do not understand why anything I do could shock him when I myself am not fully aware of what I am capable of.

"What was all that about? Haven't you been taking your meds?"

"Have you been taking yours?" I shoot back at him, almost venomously. He flinches back and I falter. I keep losing my mind to intrusive thoughts, negativity filters through every emotion I have. Perhaps I should continue with the anti-psychotics... I turn to look at our boss. He looks back at me with something that reminds me of anger. Anger for what? I wonder. I try to find the answer in his eyes and I must admit...the man is truly exceptional at hiding his motives.

"Go take your medication Ren. And don't. make me ask. Again. Got it?"

Darren takes on his authoritative voice, it booms through the room as if propelled by an amp or said by a god. He is not going to allow himself to be pushed. Last time AJ and I heard this voice, AJ mouthed off and Darren responded by pinning him on the ground in approximately 3.2 seconds and would not let him up until he said, "yes sir, I will obey." With sincerity. 25 times. Neither of us argue this time.

"Yes, sir." I say mechanically, I think bitterly of how it makes me feel like a trained dog. I was never the one who needed obedience training. I suppose Darren knew that though. When we were first brought into W.A.R.M.T.H. He had focused all his energy on AJ in an attempt to fix his behavioral problems, and while it mostly worked, Darren soon found out how crafty AJ could be. Darren first began waking AJ up at 5 A.M. run laps in the training room, send him through barbed wire mazes where he had to army crawl the entire time, and then Darren had AJ make him breakfast before being able to make his own. AJ responded by waking Darren up at 4 A.M. with laps already ran, the mazes gone through and remapped. AJ would tell him,

"You can't make me do something I've already done, boss man."

I smile fondly at the memories of all the ways AJ had tried to make Darren's life miserable. He may be respectable but that does not mean Darren was without his flaws. He was too commanding, a victim of a drill sergeant he had inevitably turned into one. Lack of remorse, lack of empathy, a cruel exterior to even those closest to him. A tragedy in it's own way. I wonder what Darren was like as a child. Surely he had not always been scarred and rough around the edges. AJ and I shuffle to our rooms. I thought back to when we had first been brought into the agency as frightened boys, well, I suppose I was not very frightened. I was quite glad for the escape from my bland day to day activities. I was quite frustrated with it. However, I had assumed that things would be more organized, more like a boot camp I suppose but when we arrived I had realized with a shock that it was much more like a home. Of course with the addition of training rooms and advanced defense barriers.

I was surprised to find out Darren was more concerned with making us feel comfortable than with turning us into government officials. I do believe Darren holds a slight resentment of his government. Perhaps he did not believe that teenagers should be taken from their families before they are ready. Perhaps he resents the parts of government that are specifically his superiors. He does not take kindly to being ridiculed or undermined. In many ways, Darren reminds me of AJ, holding himself in a certain way when addressing the public, when in reality the person he is when he is with no one but himself is quite different.