AJ
God, I need a joint... I can't mix street drugs with my anti-depressant, even though the joint works better than the actual pill. I roll my eyes as I scrub the counter, luckily, it's not with a toothbrush. I think about the way Darren looked at me when I walked out of the bathroom… the gold in his eyes was flaring. The intensity in his eyes almost kept me frozen in place. I hate it when he does that.I hate looking at his eyes. I hate having to stare directly at him, I hate having to stand three feet away from him. Everything about him scares me. I hate being scared. The only reason I can tolerate it is because it's the type of fear that you can become obsessed with feeling.
"You are quiet." Ren says suddenly,
"Sorry." I half heartedly mumble, my mind taking me to other places.
"Apology declined; but thank you for the offer." Ren starts to wipe down the stove, avoiding my eyes. I flash back to the morning. I got so caught up with Darren I almost forgot about the bruises on my wrists.
"What? declined? Here I am thinking about a joint when you're the one who's high, babe." I try to lighten the conversation, I know he must be overthinking about what I'm thinking about. He always does. Whenever we fight he always comes at me with unjustified conclusions because he had overanalyzed something as simple as me not saying good morning in the same tone I usually do. It must be such a burden, to be so brilliant. Ren pauses his viscous scrubbing and then stares at me
"AJ." he starts, I can tell he's about to ask me something I probably don't want to answer. I just don't want a repeat of this morning. When he looks at me his hyper aware eyes seem far away. His mouth is twisted into a concerned grimace. It must be something that's really bothering him. To see his emotion so plainly on his face. My heart drops, a cold feeling washes over me. Please don't let this be about Darren. I think urgently, my hope is washed out immediately when he says
"Are you aware of Darren's affection towards you?"
The icy feeling takes hold of my chest, I stare at Ren, I watch his eyes change from inquisitive to resigned and he sighs. Quietly he adds,
"Have you ever returned the affection?" He looks down at the ground, his head angled slightly to the right. I can tell he's clenching his jaw. His hands are behind his back but I imagine he's balling them into fists. It reminds me of my father, before he would blatantly advertise when he would strike me, he always clenched his jaw and hid his hands behind his back. He would speak with a low guttural voice before it would bubble over into shouting and hitting. I learned that it was easier to lie than to admit the truth, but it's so hard for me to lie to Ren. I always think about the version of Ren who was honest above all else. I feel like he hides things from me now. His ginger hair falls across his forehead. I reach out and move it back to its proper place.
"I did know that Darren had an interest in me." I say quietly. "I didn't want to tell you because I know you respect him, I didn't want him to be someone you're jealous of. You have nothing to worry about Ren. I haven't ever returned the feelings." I tilt up his chin so he looks at me, I cup his cheek. "I love you." I try to say it as convincingly as possible. He stares at me for a dangerously long time, does he think I'm lying? The tension in my chest begins to ease as a small smile creeps across his features. Despite everything else about Ren that makes him seem cold and unreachable, this small smile is warm and loving. His sharp eyes soften, it breaks my heart. Ren pulls me towards him and presses a gentle kiss to my lips.
"You said it" his eyes sparkle, the warm smile growing. I don't trust myself to tell another lie so instead I just smile at him. I run my fingers through his hair and hug him. I breathe in his comforting scent of salt water and lemon as tears prick at my eyes. I wish I could love him.
"Ahem." Darren clears his throat from the opening to the kitchen. Trying not to rudely interrupt us. My heart drops again. How long had he been waiting there? Did he hear everything I said? Ren pulls away from me and glares daggers at Darren. I think it's his way of saying "I win" without actually opening his mouth. I look down, I don't want to look at Darren. My heart is already racing enough. "Yes Sir?" Having celebrated his win already, Ren has gone back into his usual attitude towards our director, but it would be hard not to notice that he draws me closer. As if protecting me from Darren's influence, keeping me all to himself.
"We need to talk about the girls. Meet me in the war room in 10 minutes. No being late, no interruptions. I've already reached my idiocy tolerance level this morning. So don't push me."
I feel his gaze flick over to me, lingering for longer than I had hoped it would, because Ren notices it too, he grips me tighter, almost causing pain. I don't want more bruises so I try to silently communicate that he's holding me too tight. He doesn't notice. "Yes, sir." Ren says nodding to him, trying to subtly let Darren know that he needs to walk away before things accelerate. He walks away from us, with as much confidence and mystery as ever, I swear that man has the most inflated ego I've ever seen on anyone. The low burn of hate I have for him prickles my skin. I can still feel the weight of his eyes as they rested on me and it's leaving heated tingles rushing through my veins.