Darren
How can he love Ren? Ren is dangerous, unstable. AJ knows that too. So how does he love Ren? Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he loves Ren, and AJ deserves to be in love. I slip out of the armory to give them their moment. I know they've been having issues lately, I thought if I could show AJ how much I care that maybe I'd have a chance. Boy, if my father could see me right now. I shake my head in frustration, stalking down the hallway past the kitchen and makeshift living room out through the front doors. AJ deserves someone who will take care of him, that's not me.I can barely take care of this agency. I can barely take care of myself... I stare out at the early morning sun as it lights the town below us. The watery bright light shining over the canal, glistening off of the roofs of the store and houses in the village. The ocean beyond is a riot of green and blue and white. Beautiful… yet somehow I still see red across sand. I think back to my time serving. I remember the savage extent our enemies would go to. Strapping bombs to kids, no older than 8 years old. Forcing themselves on women in front of their family, trying to make a point, the endless savagery of war. You can't possibly understand unless you've witnessed it firsthand. Horrors such as those keep me awake at night. The worst part wasn't all those who died. It was witnessing just how uncivilized and savage humans really are. In the core of every human being is a monster. Every time I close my eyes, nightmares dance across my mind; but AJ...somehow he's different. He's no monster.
I need to just leave it be, he and I aren't meant for each other. I feel the soft salty wind push against my skin. I take a few steps farther towards the village, AJ spends a lot of time out here, I'm sure he has some masterpiece somewhere. I walk around the base, It really is a grand old dusty thing. I put a hand against the granite slabs, feeling the roughness lightly cut my fingertips as I walk. I turn my face towards the area surrounding me, not the castle but to the fields and hills being bathed in fresh light. I feel the granite turn into an intricate pattern and I pause, turning to the wall. The carvings in the stone are the most beautiful, eccentric, and detailed images I have ever seen. I run my fingertips across the cold stone. Yet another reason AJ is so special. You know that the person has to be in a lot of pain to take the time to do something as magnificent as this. The carvings are all along one of the rectangular walls, even up at the tops I smile as I remember the day I found AJ as he fervently duct taped all of our ladders together, he didn't ask for help. Didn't even imply that he wanted it. When I asked him what he was doing it was like he hadn't heard me. I remember watching his eyes zooming back and forth, as if he was creating his masterpiece and taping at the same time. If I had known this is what he was doing I would have stayed to watch him finish it. I lay my head against the cold granite of the wall. I can imagine him, pensively chipping away at the granite with a chisel. Every movement is precise and purposeful. He's such a visionary.
I hear the soft rustling of the grass as someone comes up behind me. When I turn I see AJ staring at the wall, a small smile on his face. He's proud of this one. I love it when he's proud of his art, it doesn't happen nearly as often as it should. He places his hand on it, suddenly standing next to me, I swear I can hear his heartbeat. He whispers to the wall as if sharing a secret with a dear friend, he says
"I still have scars from it"
He traces the carvings with his fingers, his eyes closed. He leans his ear against the wall and opens his eyes. The green piercing right through me like a shard of ice. I turn back to the wall.
"It was worth every single one of those scars" I'm not sure if he's talking to me, himself, or the wall. He says the words so softly.
"I can't believe I didn't know it was here. It's breathtaking" I say ruefully. I look at him from the corner of my eye. He looks sad, I wonder if that's how he always looks when he doesn't think anyone is paying attention.
"I can…" a tinge of bitterness in his tone. "You haven't been very fond of anything I do for at least 2 and a half years. Thank you...for saying it's breathtaking. I'm glad you like it."
"AJ…" before I can say anything he holds up a hand,
"Please. Don't try and tell me that what I said isn't true. You'll be wasting your time." I stare at him for a moment, still refusing to look me in the eyes. I wet my lips and look away, any words I wanted to say dying on my tongue as my heart drops.
"Well...you're a remarkable artist, AJ. You always have been. If it weren't for W.A.R.M.T.H, I know you could have gone somewhere with it. I'm sorry you never got the opportunity."
He looks at me then, his eyes dancing with the ethereal light of the morning , glorious rays lighting his features, even the line of soft stubble under his chin. "I don't think I would have wanted to go anywhere with it without the agency. If I'm being honest, I didn't think I'd live to see the day I turned 21. Let alone live my life beyond that. I wasn't going anywhere except into the afterlife."
We stand there for a few moments.
"Are you okay?"I ask him, trying again to finish our conversation from earlier. He chuckles softly and shakes his head, looking down at the ground. His hair looks like golden twine under the light.
"Are any of us?"
He looks up at me, I expect to see tears, sadness, anger. I see none of those as he stares back at me, guilt possibly. Not that I know why he would feel guilty. I shake my head at his comment.
"No. Probably not."
I say to him simply, I can't help but show some of my concern. I know he hates it. Sometimes I feel like even the thought of me caring about AJ makes him want to stab me. Reasonably so...but it still hurts knowing that any affection I could give him will be turned into a fight.
"What?" he says accusingly, I shake my head again
"Nothing. I just...worry about you." I say with a sigh, giving into the argument I know he's about to start.
"Well don't. I don't need you to worry about me. How about you try and take care of yourself, I at least have Ren to care about me. Who do you have? No one!" He makes a sliding gesture with his hand, his eyes narrowing at me. I grind my teeth.
"You don't have to remind me." I close my eyes, fighting the urge to yell back. Curse the short temper my father gave me.
"I can't stand you…" AJ says with fury, "You're still nothing more than a coward Darren. An irritating, cocky, smug, tall, handsome prick." he freezes, realizing what he said before he could stop himself. My pulse jumps at his gaze when I open my eyes. Fearful, but also hopeful. I know what he's trying to do. It only makes me angrier. I roll my eyes.
"Un-fucking-believeable" I narrow my eyes at him. "What do you think you're going to accomplish AJ?" I fume through clenched teeth.
"Do it." AJ demands, holding up his chin in a challenging gesture,
"Do what? Please do specify.." I say sarcastically, knowing exactly what he wants me to do.
"I know you're thinking about it. so do it. kiss me, and get it all out of your system because I'm just a little out of it right now. Perfect time for you to take advantage of me. No one around, complementing my art. Calling me remarkable. Acting like you care about me." I roll my eyes again, making it seem like my plan all along. One of the oldest pages in the book of manipulation. With a tilt to my head and a shrug I decide to play along,
"If you insist."
In two seconds flat I have him pinned against the wall, my hand across his chest and the other above his head, teasing him with the closeness of our lips, though they're not actually touching.
"Nice try AJ." I say quietly,
"But I know you better than you think I do. You're looking for an out, and you thought I was naive enough to fall for your stupid manipulation tactic. I'm the one who taught it to you AJ . It's my job to see through that shit. You were trying to use me. You don't want me and apparently, you don't want Ren either. So even though I want nothing more than to kiss you, and you know it. I won't, because it wouldn't be fair to him, to you, or to me. So until you can sort through that jumble of emotions in your head, this." I pull him closer to me by his shirt front, "Isn't going to happen."
We're so close together that I can feel water rolling down his face onto the sleeves of my shirt. My grip loosens on him as I realize his tears "it's not...a-- jumble of emotions." he says jaggedly as if trying not to let himself cry too much. Collapsing against the wall, all energy to hold himself up leaving in an instant. "It's one emotion--all the time. A nagging...evil feeling. That-- I-i'm not supposed to be here. that I'm better off dead. so, i-it doesn't matter who I love because I don't deserve that a-a-nd they don't deserve it either. So, no matter what point you try to make here Darren. It w-won't change anything. I'll still just want to put...a bullet... in my head." he raises a shaking hand in the form of a gun to his temple. "But, I can't even do that much." he lets his hand rest at his side, wiping tears away with his other one. "You said you know me better than I think you do, so tell me Delmonico, did you know that? Better yet, could you even begin to understand what it feels like? To feel like you're useless, still, in a world that's always moving? Even as you exhaust every effort to save it?" I step back, enough to look him in the eyes but not enough to let him slip out of my grasp. Any words I could say leaving my vocabulary. "No.." I say lamely as I stare at him. I struggle to find even the smallest words that could help him. "I have known what it's like to feel useless, unable to save what I care about, but never," I grab his chin gently and make him look at me, "will I ever be able to know how you feel." I wipe a tear from his face, the way his eyes shimmer when he cries takes my breath away. He is everything I could ever want him to be.
"Whether you believe me or not, you do deserve to be loved, AJ. You are not worthless. We need you here, you're making a difference." he sniffles and then looks me dead in the eyes.
"I don't believe you."
I can't help it at this point, I lean down to briefly brush his lips with my own but hesitate at the last second and press my lips to his cheek instead. I pull him against my chest and he wraps his arms around my lower back.
"You should."
I whisper. AJ still refuses to let himself cry any more, he's trying to force the tears back, he gives a short, breathy laugh and shakes his head.
"I hate you, Darren. Because I can't hate you no matter how hard I try to."
"I know you do. I deserve your hatred."
"I know, that's why I'm angry." I give a small smile. "I can give you plenty of other reasons to hate me if you'd prefer?" I feel him smile now, "Oh trust me I have plenty." While we bicker like that for however long, he never once lets go of me, and I never once stop clinging onto him. I wish I knew how I could make him happy. I doubt I ever will.