Darren
When we got into the car AJ didn't say a single word. I know he misses Jason and Millie. I wish there would have been a better way. Now all they have is their mother. I have to find a way to get them here. They should be with AJ and Amora. It shouldn't be too hard, I just have to convince my superiors. AJ sits next to me quietly in the passenger seat. The car is cold, so he slipped a lightly colored sweater over his clothes. He's worrying at the end of his sleeves with his fingers, pulling on the soft fabric. He's staring out the window. I think he looks more personable with glasses, softer. Not rigid and traumatized. Ever since he went missing, he's always on edge. I almost never see him completely relaxed. I doubt he ever will be again.
Maybe it's just me. I don't see him when he's only with Ren. He might be happy, without a care. Ren always seems to know how to help. I don't understand why AJ tried to cheat on him earlier. It couldn't be for Amora. He's not her mate. I wish I knew how to help him the way Ren does. Or at least hate him as much as he hates me. I stare out the window as we drive, no idea what to say to AJ. We're driving along the coast back to Westport. It's a nice drive, aside from the stormy weather, though it seems to be a fitting environment for the energy coming off of AJ. I watch out the window as the road rolls past us, I drive this road so often I don't really pay attention to the small things about it. The fainted paint, the small jagged rocks that tumble down from the cliff, the tiny dips and divots that cause the black car to growl as it rolls over them. The sea flies past us as I drive, I really do enjoy the ocean. I just wish I hadn't spent so much time on it. I would be able to look at it without feeling sick.
As if snapping out of a dream, AJ rubs his face with his hands, flinging his glasses on the dash.
"AJ?" I say quietly.
"Stop it." he snaps. "Don't talk to me in your soft voice, like you're trying to protect me. I don't need your protection."
He spits. I roll my eyes, now that he's opened his mouth I don't feel as bad for him.
"Well AJ, you should feel lucky that there are people who do try to protect you. Some people would much rather see you dead."
"Maybe that would be better. It's not like I really have any purpose in this organization anyways. I'm just dead weight." He heaves a deep sigh and gently places his glasses in the glove box. "What am I doing here anyway? Why did you have to take me away from my family? I understand needing Ren, he's a genius, I understand needing Amora. She's a super soldier. Raven is like a fucking siren if that siren were also sherlock holmes. I understand needing her too, why me? I'm a petty criminal with attitude problems. It doesn't add up Darren. So tell me what I'm missing or tell me I'm a mistake." He's looking at me now, pleading to tell me an answer I can't give him. Not because I don't have an answer, but because the answer will hurt him more than he realizes.
"AJ...You're not a mistake, but I still can't tell you the answer you're looking for." He rolls his eyes. "So in other words you don't know."
"No, I said I couldn't tell you the answer, not that I didn't have one. You have to trust me, you are a very important part of the agency." He sits back in his seat and crosses his arms, he starts staring out his passenger window. We drive around a curve in the road reaching the top of a cliff. "I'm so sick of this. I feel so worthless. It's my fault that the mission went bad. I mess up all the goddamn time. I don't care why I'm here if it's not even worth an answer. I just want everything to be over." he says lowly. Probably hoping I wasn't paying attention. I can't stand it, I hate hearing him talk like that. I need to show him that sitting around and talking about how miserable you are doesn't do anyone any good. I didn't become director of a secret agency at 19 by sitting around and complaining about my life. I slam on the brakes.
"Get out." I say to him, not sure what I was going to do but knowing I needed to do something.
"What?"
"You heard me. Get out."
AJ narrows his gaze at me and bites his lower lip in distaste. He throws open the door and steps out. I get out, double checking to keep the doors locked, preventing anyone from wandering out without us noticing. I'm sure if Ren wakes up he'll know how to keep the girls in check. Once we step out of the car I decide to use a fear tactic. I pull out my gun and cock it. He jumps.
"Woah, Darren." He says, stepping back and splaying out his hands as if surrendering. At his reaction I know exactly what to do. It's going to piss him off once he's done crying. He'll hate me even more...but at least he'll understand.
"Walk." I gesture forward with my gun and he does as directed.
"Darren I—"
"Shut up. Walk."
I shove the gun into his lower back and push him forward. We keep walking forward, bright green grass being an off putting spark of happiness for the events that are about to unfold. We reach a drop. jagged rocks and sea glass stretch down below leading to the salty ocean 75 feet or more below us. AJ looks out over the expanse of dangerously beautiful scenery. He stares longingly, hearing the call of the void but holding back.
"You want to die AJ?" I pause, waiting for the words to sink in.
"Then, jump." I double check to make sure the safety isn't on. He would notice and then it wouldn't work. He stands there for a few seconds, looking down at the ocean. He slowly turns to me. His hands have dropped to his sides and he looks at me with shiny eyes.
"What if I do?" he whispers. I stare at him nonchalantly, hoping he didn't notice me fill with dread. I force a noncommittal shrug.
"Well, if you think you're so unimportant to W.A.R.M.T.H. I mean, if you do it would count as treason, so even if the fall didn't kill you...someone would." AJ searches my face for something that he can't find. He has to think this is real.
"Even better. You want to die but you're too scared to do it yourself? I'll do it." I pull him by his shirt and point the gun directly at his head. The tear that had been threatening finally rolls down his face "No! no let me go!" he sobs.
"Oh so you are going to jump?"
"Stop it!" he shouts at me. He's trembling in my grip as I press the barrel to his head.
"What's that? Stop it? Stop what? Your suffering? Your horrible life you can't manage to escape? Come on AJ, all you have to do is say it. kill me. And all your problems are solved. Right? That's what you think. Right? Two words and everything will be over. So say it."
My words come out more as a threat, my stomach is churning at the very idea of pulling the trigger, I could never bring myself to kill AJ, not in a million years. I need him to think that's not true. I'm trying so hard to forget about the sickness in my stomach and continue with the lesson.
"Do you want to die AJ?" My voice is strained, I hope he doesn't notice. I hope he can't see how hard I'm clenching my jaw, praying silently that he doesn't tell me to kill him.
Tears are rolling down his cheeks freely now, but not because he's scared. He hates the fact that he's tempted to say yes. The internal struggle is tearing him in half cutting through him like the talons of a vulture ripping open the carcass of a man. I hope he can see that he's not a carcass. I hope he wants to hold on. I know he's afraid to die but that doesn't always mean fighting and avoiding, sometimes it means yielding to it.
"Do you. Want. To. Die?"
His breath is shaky, his pulse on the verge of causing a heart attack, he's grinding his teeth so hard I can see blood. His eyes are shut in frustration and contemplation at the same time.
"No." his gruff response shakes with tears.
A burning wave of relief goes through me, but I can't drop it just yet. With my finger poised on the trigger,
"You sure? I need to hear you say it." He swallows, shakily he gives me a full response.
"I don't want to die."
I spin him to face the edge once more, putting him in a headlock. I take us both one step away from the cliff
"Do you think you're here because you're expendable?" I say in his ear, gun still at his head
"No." he says. Stronger this time. I take us another step back.
"Do you think that I would have tolerated your bullshit this long if I didn't need to?"
"No." another step away
"And last, do you think that you're doing anyone any favors by whining about how much you hate being alive?"
"No."
We take one more step away.
"Good." I whisper in his ear, releasing him and putting my gun back in the holster at my side.
"Now," I throw him the keys. "Stop crying and get us back to the base. At least it'll give you something to do other than contemplate suicide." I walk back to the car and slide in the passenger seat. AJ stands in front of the car for a moment, gathering his thoughts before getting into the driver's seat and doing as he was directed. We drive silently. I don't dare to look over at him. I feel sick. I cross my arms to hide the fact that they're trembling just as bad as AJ's. I stare out the window trying to act unfazed by what I had just done.