AJ
She's giving me the silent treatment. I guess it's understandable, maybe she'll be more willing to talk later on. Every part of my body is roaring in pain. My blood soaking the gray fabric interior of the driver's seat. As well as my sweater. I step out of the car, clutching my arm. It's still burning, but the rest of my injuries seem unimportant after Darren walked me to the edge of a cliff under an hour ago. I bet he was just aching to pull the trigger. We arrived at the best time, 5 P.M. Golden rays of sunlight bathe the castle Ashford in soft golden light. Casting shadows over the rolling hills blanketed by luscious green grass, creating waves over the land that model those of the sea. The canal shimmering as it churns with the fresh sea wind. I always go to the roof and watch as the land comes alive with the wind and the fading sun. I nearly fall as I start to walk towards the base, tripping over my own unsure feet. I sway in place for a moment. I've lost a lot of blood, but I've been through worse. The breeze lifts my hair, I breathe in the salty air and begin walking away from the car.
"AJ." Ren says softly, expecting me to go and clean up my wounds. "I'm fine." I responded to him, colder than I meant. He stares at me a moment longer before turning to help Raven and Amora out of the car. They blink slowly in the sunlight. I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's Darren. I force myself to look at Ren. He's entirely absorbed in Raven. Studying her. He glances back at me once, his look still shows me that he cares. I'm losing him to her though. I just hope she doesn't also steal the part of Ren that isn't my boyfriend, but my best friend. He's all I have. Amora hates me, Darren hates me, Raven doesn't care about me either way, I can lose him as a boyfriend, but if I lose my best friend I'll have nothing. I refocus on the glorious scene spread out before me. How can anyone not marvel at it? The rolling hills, the gentle salty breeze, the patterns of shadows dancing on the grand stone building, the purity of the grass and the dazing sun as it dances just above the horizon. Why are they all just walking past? I don't realize I've stopped breathing until I feel his hand grip my good shoulder a little tighter. I can feel his calloused hand through my shirt. I suppress the memory of when those hands would explore all parts of me. It's nostalgic and painful and angering to think about all at the same time. I still don't know how or why he affects me the way he does. Darren. I turn my head ever so slightly away from the scene and find myself meeting his stare, there's something hiding in his gaze…guilt? I stare through him, looking at something other than him, examining a memory I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the heart-wrenching feeling of loss and betrayal I felt when I saw him kiss her, as I watched in horror as his lips wandered over her neck. I couldn't stand it. I shut the door quietly, he wasn't expecting me over that night. We had gotten into a fight. A stupid little fight like we always do. It ruined everything. That fight was my fault too. He didn't know I was there until after he had already satisfied himself.
****
I shut the door ever so quietly and stood outside it for a moment, I couldn't bring my feet to move until I heard slight moans coming from the other side, it was as if someone tore my heart out and put it through a paper shredder. I slowly made my way into the kitchen walking dazedly down the hallway. I went straight for the liquor cabinet and poured myself a tall glass of bourbon. I drank the first one in five seconds flat, the liquid fire racing down my throat and numbing the crushing pain I felt in my stomach. I swear I could feel my heart shattering. I looked down at the engagement ring on my finger. How could I have been so stupid? To think I could actually just be happy with someone for once in my miserable life. How could I possibly think I found actual love? That I deserved actual love? I'm still not sure of how many glasses I had drank by the time he walked out of the bedroom, shirtless and cocky as ever. He stopped cold when he saw me, I watched the color drain from his face and for some twisted reason, it made me smile. I looked him dead in the eyes, twisting the ring on my finger. "Who's your friend?"
"AJ…"
"I don't want excuses Darren." I stared at him pointedly but forced myself to look away. a few tears had slipped down my cheek. He stared at me pleadingly as he watched me twist the ring off my finger. "How could you do this?" I whispered to him. He looked away from me, nearly inaudible he said.
"Please don't go. Let me explain."
"Explain!? You think there's a good explanation for this?"
"Please." He said feverishly
"No. I don't want your half-baked explanations, or your lame excuses, or any of your goddamned lies!"
"Would you keep your voice down?" he asked urgently.
"Why? Afraid I'll blow your cover?" When he didn't say anything I rolled my eyes. "You said you loved me, you asked me to marry you for god's sake!"
"Please AJ, I'm sorry!" Darren had cried out. I gave him a daring look.
"Sorry? You're sorry? That means absolutely nothing Darren. It doesn't matter how sorry you are." I shook my head at his audacity. "a year and a half of my life wasted on a man who was playing me the entire time. I guess it fits in my tragic life story. Maybe you should just marry her, she might actually put up with your bullshit. If you find someone who can do that, I'm sure you two will live happily ever after."
And with that, I dropped the ring into my half empty bourbon glass and brushed past him, slamming him into the wall and slamming the door before he could say a single word.
****
"AJ?"
Darren asks me, I snap back into reality with his piercing brown eyes on me. I feel that heart-wrenching feeling again. I can never shake it, every time I look at him it's like reliving the same memory. But somehow, I think I still love him.
"You really should get cleaned up, we established earlier that you don't want to die and on the track you're on, that wish will not be fulfilled for much longer. Let's go."
He gently grabs my arm and guides me to the front door. I hate it when he's gentle, because it's always in the time I feel most vulnerable and it makes me just want to melt into him and stay there, he feels so loving and welcoming. But I guess that's why he's so good at what he does, deception at its finest. I begrudgingly let him guide me into the base. I dare a glance back at Ren, Raven and Amora. Ren is holding the door open for Raven, she steps cautiously through the door. Amora is looking around, unimpressed. My heart sinks as I realize how disappointed she must be, she's lived her whole life in a mansion, she must be dreading living in another one. I take one step towards her and she shies away from me, avoiding my eyes. I back away from her, looking down and moving awkwardly out of her way as she dazedly rushes past me to go up the stairs. I look back at Ren, entirely engrossed in Raven, watching the way she walks, the way her hair falls in waves around her flawless oval face and accenting her dark blue almond eyes beautifully. Her complexion is smooth and soft, her skin tone a stunning creamy white. I'm not sure how, but Raven is the epitome of timeless beauty; it's nearly inhuman. I rethink my earlier decision, I said no for fear that someone would miss me, anyone. Jason and Millie won't, they probably barely remember me. Amora would say good riddance, so would Raven. Darren's life would be easier, and Ren. Ren would be able to take a breath of relief without me as yet another burden on his shoulders. I feel a hand on the small of my back, Darren again, gently pushing me down the hall and guiding me into the bathroom. He rubs the small of my back as we walk, it takes all I have not to cry.
I miss him.
He closes the door softly behind us and gestures to the counter for me to sit on, I oblige. Silently. He opens the medicine cabinet and pulls out rubbing alcohol, bandages, Neosporin, and stitching wire and sewing hook. He pulls out some cotton balls and begins applying rubbing alcohol to them. I look around the bathroom, it's ridiculously large in all honesty, and there's 3 or 4 more just like it throughout the rest of the base. At least the roof isn't cavernous like the war room. To match the dark hallways the bathroom is made mostly of black and white marble and smoked glass. The lights are around the mirror like a ring light and there's LED lights in the glass shower. The marble counters glitter with pieces of copper. The frames against the wall are forest green, whoever decided to turn the bathroom into its own palace, had a lot of issues.
Darren steps in front of me with an alcohol dripping cotton ball, his look guarded. His head is angled slightly down, just enough to where he doesn't have to look me in the eyes. I wonder what he's thinking. Probably wishing he had shot me anyway. Though, if he wanted me dead why would he care to clean up my wounds? He gingerly applies the cotton ball to a cut on my face. I feel my heart give a little throb, remembering how Ren is normally the one who does this. He always shakes his head and rolls his eyes. He rarely has a scratch on him, so it's hard for him to believe my injuries are anything more than reckless. 'I have told you countless times to think before you attempt to hit someone. It rarely works in your favor.' He says. Then I smile at him. 'Aw c'mon, you know I only do it because I know that cleaning up my wounds is yet another kink of yours.' At that he would smile. He always has such a sweet smile, I wish I could be the one to appreciate his smiles as much as they should be. Darren dabs the cut just below my eye and I wince away from it. he scoffs,
"You can take a vicious beating from an angry, real-life cat-woman without shedding a single tear or wincing, but you can't handle a small cotton ball with rubbing alcohol on it?"
I roll my eyes. "It's called adrenaline. And it's officially worn off. I feel like every part of my body is on fire."
His mouth quirks up to the side "If only you had realized we could tell them the truth before attempting to kidnap them from an airport. This may have been avoided." I glare at him
"You set us up."
"Took you long enough to notice." I shake my head at his sheer act of unnecessary manipulation.
"Jerk." He pretends to wince and put a hand over his heart
"Ouch." He says with a dramatic tilt of his head. Despite the fire in my body, the pit in my stomach when I look at him, and the overwhelming feeling of doom, I laugh. Darren smiles at me and continues dabbing my facial wounds. He applies Neosporin to them and steps back. Frisking the rest of my body for other small injuries. He stops when he gets back up to my rib cage. His face changes from amused to concerned.
"Shirt off." He demands, stepping back to let me do it. I look at him. "Oh are you gonna boss me around some more?" He rolls his eyes, "It is my job after all. I like to think I'm rather good at it. Now, shirt off or I'll take it off for you." Not wanting to chance the waves of nostalgia I peel my shirt off. Wincing with every little movement my body makes. When it's off, he intakes a quick breath. I look down at a wound in my side, gushing blood. my hip and all down my leg is soaked in blood from it. Darren doesn't bother with the cotton balls this time. He snatches up the bottle of rubbing alcohol and dumps nearly half of the bottle on my wound. I curse under my breath a few times before he takes up the stitching needle and hook.
"Oh no." I say dismally. Sure, it's not the first time I've gotten stitches, doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt like hell. Darren hands me a rag to bite down on, I take it with a groan and do as I am supposed to. Compared to the fire raging throughout the rest of my body, the stitches feel almost like a release. A release of all the stress and anger I've been carrying since the rollout of this mission. I close my eyes to the pain and let it wash through me, cleaning out all of the negative energy I've been possessing for god knows how long. When it's over, Darren stands up slowly. He looks at my dislocated shoulder and grimaces.
"Yeah how do you think I feel?" I say to him, breaking the tense silence. his mouth tugs up at the corner, breaking into a small smile. Looking at the warm light reflecting off of Darren reminds me of all the nights we would stay up together, drinking wine by candlelight while watching whatever movies we wanted. The way he would laugh at my comments. The way we used to make fun of the over intensity of the characters in the movie. The way he would hold me against him when he got bored with the movie…. My body heats up again remembering how it felt when he would kiss me. I miss the way he would whisper in my ear when he had a thought unrelated to the movie.
When he's done dressing the wound on my shoulder I turn my head to look at his handiwork just as he was turning to look back at me, we stop just a few millimeters short from his lips touching mine. We stay there for a few moments, his eyes boring into mine. His hand finds a way to rest on top of mine as I clutch the counter. I lick my lips. He leans in ever so slightly…before moving away from me. He snatches the gauze from off of the counter and uses duct tape to keep it on my freshly stitched cut. He applies rubbing alcohol to my newly relocated shoulder that Raven so kindly did for me, and wraps it in bandages to apply pressure to it as it heals. He checks over me once more for smaller injuries. His hands gliding over my face, neck, and arms. Exploring my chest, although I'm not entirely sure he needed to do that being as he could see all of my torso. His fingers linger along my shoulder blades and down my spine. He's still close enough to me to where I can reminisce on how he tasted, almost being able to feel it on my tongue. I can feel his heart beating through his fingertips. Or is that mine? I don't know, all I know is this crushing feeling of desire is painfully familiar. I stare at him as his hands move over my body, not entirely meaning to but not being able to pull my gaze away. I hate his eyes because once I look I can never look away, even when I know it's the smartest thing for me to do. He slowly backs away from me after examining his work closely. He bites his lip and slowly meets my eyes.
"I think you're good." He says quietly. "Get some rest, you need to sleep and re energize. You and I are the ones who will be training the girls for field work, and I'm sure that will be a draining task. Also, change out of your bloody clothes and get them washed."
He turns to get out of the bathroom but pauses at the door. He looks back at me, he opens his mouth but closes it again, shaking his head as if thinking what he was about to say was a stupid and horrible idea. I drop myself off of the counter and walk up to him. I put my hand on his cheek. "What is it you want to say?" I ask.
He looks at me and sighs "You know...I never would have actually pulled the trigger...right?" I freeze, I wasn't expecting that. Now it's my turn to open my mouth and then close it. I don't know what to say. I feel like he would have.
"AJ...I could never...I--"
"Sh." I hold up a hand "Please, don't say it." He pleads at me silently, begging to say that one little word.
"I can believe that you wouldn't have pulled the trigger, but I don't know if I can ever believe that you love me." I look back up at him, his eyes have darkened with turmoil I rarely see. I think back to the nights I would see it. Always at night. When everything felt so much more hollow. I know he still has nightmares. I wonder how much sleep he gets. He used to stay up all night after having a nightmare. Sometimes he would stay up just to avoid having them in the first place. The way my heart beats as our eyes lock together I know I still love him. I curse at myself and add another why to my list. Why am I in love with this egotistical drill sergeant? I guide him towards me and kiss him. He freezes, going rigid as he stands in front of the door, then slowly he puts his hands on my waist and returns it. Only for a second...then I realize what I'm doing and I let go of him.
"Uh….uhm. I…"
I sigh out rigidly as he stands there, also stunned by what transpired.
"I'm sorry...That never happened." I clench my eyes shut, "Goodnight." I say briskly, I open the bathroom door and walk around him. Leaving up to my own room for the night.