'Hi, honey' his mom said when Alex got back from the college campus. He entered the kitchen, and hugged her hello with one arm. His dog (Shaggy, a small dog with fuzzy hair he had adopted 9 months ago) ran to him and got up on two legs, moving his tail, happy like always. He scratched his neck and pulled him down.
Classes had started a month ago and the days had gotten terrible as the time passed.
'What's with the dark baggy eyes?' his mom asked, while he looked at her with a killing peek. He really didn't want to fight about it, or even talk. The truth was, his mom was worried. Classes had just begun and Alex somehow looked thinner, pale-er and tired than he usually was.
'Are classes that hard?' She inquired, but Alex shook his head no. His mom, quietly, insisted: 'Is it because of Connie?'.
It was like poking an open wound. Alex's dark grin gave him away, and he knew his mom would want to insist on that, so he left the kitchen quickly. The first day of Alex's great university experience - the same university as Connie - his now ex-girlfriend decided it was a good time to break up with him.
Alex had spent the last two years, everyday and every hour with Connie. She was three years older than him, but they were inseparable since they'd met. When Alex struggled with a mental illness the last two years of high school, Connie was there for him, as his best friend. When he graduated, he spent two years on tutoring schools to do the admission test for the same school she was in, so they could keep close. That was his naive dream. Apparently, Connie had other plans. With another boy. Her neighbour.
Actually, school wasn't that hard. Dealing with the people was a problem though, especially when your heart had just been shattered. The immersion into the new undergraduate life became twice as hard with the memories and presence of Connie on campus. Besides, all the love and the cheating part of it, sucked. It was like being back in high school - he has the same depressive aura.
'So I can't sleep, I'm not eating, and everyone thinks I'm a crazy newbie because I got dumped on the first day. And what better to get over that? Drink myself 'til I lost all control over my body and mind" Alex thought bitterly, as he crawled into his bed, covering himself completely.
But that wasn't all. He knew what bothered him the most. Since the break-up, Alex had been begging Connie in every possible way to come back together. He begged so much and with each beg he felt progressively small and worthless, that his self-esteem had been drained completely. A month had gone by already and the feeling of being completely powerless ruled his days. A tear escaped Alex' eye, falling onto the pillow. Connie was his first and only girlfriend.
'I can't believe how lame I am', he thought to himself.
His mom knocked on the door and entered his room. She was always worried and wanting to fix her younger son.
'Hey! it's a bit early to sleep', she said while sitting on the bed, trying to sound cheerful. 'Especially on a Friday night!'
Alex loved his mom. She knew something was happening, something related to his ex, but she didn't ask him directly about it.
'Wasn't there a party today? You are in college, after all, surely there's something going about'.
Alex got up sat on the bed, resting his back on the headboard, and looked at his mom, nodding. 'Yeah. Rai is doing something at her place tonight'.
'Then go! C'mon, you are 20 years old. You gotta live your life, have memories! Don't do what I did" she insisted. She always said the same thing. 'Don't waste your life, like I did'. He wasn't sure if that was good or bad.
'Okay. Maybe I'll go' he said reluctantly. Rai lived nearby, anyway. He could leave at any moment if he felt like it. His mother was satisfied enough with his answer and left the room. She didn't know about his drinking-until-passing-out day, at the beginning of the month. That's why he had been avoiding parties. He felt ashamed.
The sun was already setting. Alex opened his eyes - his eyelids felt heavy, as he realized he had fallen asleep. He checked on his phone. He had slept for almost 3 hours and Rai had texted him several times.
'Are you coming tonight? Everyone is ٩(＾◡＾)۶!' was her last text.
He didn't reply. His throat was aching - he was feeling really thirsty. Alex forced himself to get up, have a glass of cold water, and put on different clothes. 'What are party clothes anyway?' He thought, and tried to push his anxiousness away. Connie would've said something like, 'you wearing all black? Just like always. It makes you look paler'. Alex felt annoyed and mad. At least, now he could do whatever he pleased without her stupid comments. She could be a really mean person sometimes. Why was she still on his mind?
He sat at his desk and started to roll a cigarette. While he stared at his computer screen, he realized he hadn't listened to a single song in the whole month. 'God, this is depressing' he said to himself. Alex stood up, took his cigarette and lighter, and put them in his backpack. He didn't want to think about his lame break-up anymore. He was going to this party so he could free his mind.
He headed to Rai's walking slowly, so he could finish his cigarette without pressure. The air was starting to get cold at these hours, as it was the last days of summer. Fall was making its way into the city. Alex lit up his cigarette once more, since it kept putting itself out because of the strong breeze. Bothered, he stopped walking, to try to light it up again. Out of nowhere, a new lighter appeared in front of him, and burned the tip of his rolled cigarette on his lips, lighting it up.
Alex looked up.
A tall guy with bleached straight hair that went down to his jawline was standing there. Alex realized he knew him from somewhere. The boy saved the lighter on his jacket and greeted Alex by lifting his chin up. Without a verbal reply, Alex took a drag and blew off the smoke, feeling awkward.
'Uh, thanks' he said, looking at him. To his surprise, a smile spread on the other boy's face, fast.
'Mitsu' he added, and Alex remembered. Right, that guy from the first day, Rai's boyfriend. He had seen him around campus with her. He took other classes though, so they hadn't got a chance to interact face-to-face before. 'You look like you couldn't place my face'.
Alex got embarrassed. 'Sorry' he apologized, and avoided eye contact while taking another puff. Mitsu smiled again, letting out a little laugh. He wasn't offended - he looked thrilled.
'Going to Rai's?' Mitsu asked, and Alex nodded as a response. 'Me too. Although, I can't say I'm feeling like it. Wanna head there together? Your name is Alex, right?'
Alex nodded again with a bitter smile, wishing to be someone else. Mitsu's slim long fingers reached Alex's locks, on his forehead. For some reason, Alex' body froze. 'Did you burned your hair with the lighter?' Mitsu inquired, with a good-natured smile. Alex couldn't tell if he was being genuinely friendly or was he mocking him again. Alex shook his bangs a bit and Mitsu laughed, making his eyes tinier. Once again, embarrassment filled him.
'This always happens' he quickly explained, and shook the bangs off his unmanageable hair like it wasn't a big deal. Mitsu nodded empathically.
'It does! That's why I always try to have my hair up when I smoke' Mitsu showed him a hair clip and clipped his hair up.
'Your hair is longer though than mine though' Alex defended himself as they started walking. At the same time, Alex offered Mitsu his cigarette, which he accepted without a thought. 'I just burn it because I'm awfully clumsy' he continued.
Alex cringed at his words right away, as he didn't want to seem lame as he was already feeling. His anxious thoughts got stopped by Mitsu's lighthearted laugh. Relief expanded through Alex's body. He looked sideways at his companion - he was dragging a long smoke from his own handmade cigarette, and exhaled a dense cloud of smoke into the air.
'How old are you?' Mitsu asked, looking ahead, and gave him back the cigarette, which Alex put away and saved the filter in his short's pocket.
'I'm 20' he replied, stopping at the Rai's. 'Isn't it here?'
Mitsu nodded. 'You look younger than 20'.
Alex squinted his eyes at him and again didn't know if he was friendly or mocking him. 'No way' he said, sarcastically. 'How old are you?'
'I am 22' Mitsu took a quick look at him and raised his eyebrows.
'I guess you do look 22' Alex mumbled. The thought of feeling old in a first year class annoyed him. He should have been in Mitsu's class, but he wasted two years trying to study at the university Connie was at.
Alex felt pressure on his chest.
Connie.
As they walked inside Rai's, Alex started to feel more and more distressed, as he usually did at parties. Even with Mitsu by his side - which meant he wasn't going attract all the attention on him when he arrived -, he knew everyone would recognize him. Alex felt exhausted, right away. Of course, Mitsu probably had his own friends and he didn't have to take care of the younger first year boy. Also, Rai was going to be there, most likely hanging out with him, as a couple.
They rang the bell and Rai opened the door. Her face illuminated with a big smile when she saw Alex.
'Yes! I knew you'd come' she said joyful as she reached into a hug, as she always did. She smelled a little like liquor already. 'You live right around the corner, don't you?"
Alex smiled feeling a little shy, as she let them walk inside. She kissed the other boy hello on the cheek. 'You can leave your stuff wherever. My parents aren't home for the weekend'.
'Great. no parents' Alex thought, not knowing if he liked that or not. He still was ashamed about losing control at the last party. The fear of performing drunk to his new classmates stayed permanently on the back of his brain.
The apartment was twice as bigger than Alex's. Chilled music sounded on a couple of big speakers at the bottom of the place. There were already a few people, whom Alex had seen before, but no newbies like him. Was he going to be the only one of his class there?
Mitsu greeted everyone waving his hand and Alex did the same, feeling silly that he just had copied the tall guy. He left his backpack in a corner as everyone saluted back with enthusiasm. Sometimes Alex thought all the anxiety and discomfort he felt was unjustified, and that he really needn't to worry.
'Hey Alex. Do you want a beer?' asked the girl with a shaved head while offering him a can of beer and giving another one to Mitsu. Alex felt weirdly relieved that she was there, because she was a familiar face. Although he didn't recall her name. Mitsu took the beer and opened it. Alex looked at him in awe - it seemed like his secure fingers were used to this kind of thing. He surely didn't look like he didn't want to be there. Alex felt so inexperienced. He wasn't used to this stuff. He was used to hang out with Connie.
Connie, again.
'Yeah, sure' Alex took can and managed to open it while feeling the girls eyes on him. He took a sip and raised the can, 'thank you'. He had had beers before, of course. At least there was that, so he didn't feel so out of place. The shaved head girl and Mitsu went and sit with the others, while Alex stood there, looking at his same age but older classmates. He felt like a kid.
There were a couple of people dancing, others laughing and drinking. Rai looked more beautiful than ever. She had on a black velvet dress that showed off her rosy tattooed arms and legs. Alex tried not to stare, but he couldn't help to admire her good figure. She looked so comfortable in her own skin, sitting on a guys lap and talking to her friends. Alex frowned to this detail. The guy seemed older and had a beard. Who was that guy? The man stroked Rai's thigh slowly, in a seductive manner. Both of Alex's eyebrows lifted in surprise.
He inmediatly looked away. He felt like an intruder. But where was Mistu? Wasn't he Rai's boyfriend? Maybe they had an open relationship thing going on. Was that it? Maybe Connie should've thought of that before sleeping with her neighbour.
Alex sighed and walked towards the balcony, deciding it wasn't his problem. There was one golden rule to survive university's social life: don't ask and don't tell. He took his tobacco little box from his pocket and laid against the large balcony's wall, trying to roll a cigarette while standing up.
'Hey'.
Alex jumped, startled, and a big amount of tobacco fell from his rolling paper. A chuckle from sounded from behind. It was Mitsu approaching.
'Oh, man' Alex whimpered, 'you just costed me a whole cigarette'. Alex swiped off the rest of the tabacco from his t-shirt. A new rolled cigarette appeared in front of his eyes, like magic. He looked up and saw Mitsu with a wide smirk.
'I roll mines before I go out' he said while placing the cigarette on his mouth and taking another one from a tin box. 'You should try it' Mitsu extended his hand to offer it to Alex and he took it with a serious face. 'See? Now, I don't owe you anything'.
Alex squinted but then decided he didn't care. He moved his hair away from his forehead before lighting the cigarette, so he wouldn't burn it this time. He offered the lighter to Mitsu, who took it pleased. Alex looked down at the street and regretted it straight away. He was afraid of heights. He backed up a little bit and stood beside Mitsu. By his side, Alex could see tall he really was, as his head reached up to Mitsu's jaw.
'Why aren't you inside?' Mitsu asked without looking at Alex.
Alex took a sip of his beer, feeling foolish. He couldn't manage to answer in a logical way, so he managed to say:
'I'm sad'.
There was a long pause. They could hear the music in the background and the laughs of the other. Alex started to cringe. 'Dude, you're sooo lame!' Alex reprehended himself.
But to his surprise, Mitsu chuckled, and glanced at him.
'Me too'.
Alex looked astonished when Mitsu extended his hand with the beer can and smashed it into his, before going inside. His eyes followed him, the cigarette burning on his mouth and ashes falling onto the balcony's floor.
He finished his beer and felt lightheaded. He put out Mitsu's cigarette and went inside, walking towards the big kitchen. He wanted to get another beer from the freezer. The thoughts of Connie with her next door neighbour were starting to show up again. At the kitchen entrance, he heard something. He stopped and saw Rai hanging from that older's guy neck.
'I love you' she said affectionately, as the guy pulled her closer. They shared a passionate kiss while the guy's hand reached for her dress and pulled it up without a doubt. Alex turned around embarrassed and escaped the scene.
'Alex! Of course you're here'. He recognized that voice. Finally, someone from his class.
'And you are here, obviously' he responded, laughing, and bumping his fist into his classmate's. 'You won't believe how grateful I am to see you, Anne'.
'Aw, you're too sweet' Anne pinched his cheek. 'I just really felt like vodka, you know? Ya want some?' she handed him over a heavy bottle that Alex's skinny hands could barely hold. 'Oi! don't you dare drop it. I stole that' Alex laughed impressed, looking over at her. Although he was already used to Anne's behavior, it always amused him. When Alex met Anne for the first time, he thought they could not be more different from each other, but as the time passed, he realized there were too many similarities in their lives.
'I have an after party later. Wanna come with?' Anne asked while pouring her what looked like a litter of vodka into a cup and just a tiny drop of juice. Before answering, Alex took a sip from Anne's cup, as he was very curious how she could handle that, and his throat burned dreadfully. "Nah, I think I'm good" he replied with a husky voice.
'"Don't take it directly, dumbass. Go get juice or some shit' said Anne taking a great sip. She pushed him towards the kitchen. 'Let's get you a cup'. Alex panicked, remembering the private scene he had just seen. But his friend pulled him from his elbow and they got into the kitchen. Rai wasn't there anymore.
'Why do you look like that?" Anne teased him, 'Are you drunk already?' and she took a red cup and some ice from the fridge, to make him a drink, which she later handed to him.
'I guess'. Alex laid back at the counter and drank, this time tasting the booze and enjoying it. Anne was right, he got used to it pretty quick. 'Hey, Anne, is Rai dating someone?'
She looked at him with wide amused eyes.
'So, you're into Rai now? Dude, I thought you were still whining about your ex'.
Alex rolled his eyes.'So, is she?'.
'She is dating a guy who is in fourth year, or something. Sorry, dude' Anne drank empty her cup and served herself one more.
Alex looked at Anne, skeptic. How could she take that much? He had taken two sips and was already seeing double. They both went back to the room where the party was still happening. Anne, as Alex got drunker, easily started to made him laugh loudly and dance. This was all crazy stuff to him, as he wouldn't have done that if Connie was there. But his friend definitely made him comfortable and forget about whatever his concerns were.
After a while, Alex sat on a chair, laughing. He was feeling really dizzy from all the moving and the alcohol.
'You don't look so sad now'
Mitsu approached, quietly.
'He's so quiet' thought Alex, drunkly looking at him. Mitsu cheeks were blushed, and his eyes were irritated and red. 'Was he crying?' Alex thought while taking a sip from his cup without taking his eyes from him. Mitsu smiled at him, until his eyes almost disappeared. He looked slightly absent. Was Mitsu high?
He didn't reply anything back.
'You should come by my place sometime. Be sad together' Mitsu's hand grabbed Alex's shoulder for a brief moment until he pulled and walked away. Alex followed him with his eyes. The hand that had just touched him, was now being held by the same girl who offered Alex a beer at the beginning of the night. Mitsu pulled the girl closer, and their lips met in a drunken kiss. Alex cheeks blushed, but this time, he couldn't look away. His eyes followed the couple, as they left the apartment together.