After a couple of minutes, Alex felt like punching something. He was having a terrible day and he only wanted to get home and lie in bed forever. Instead, he was stuck on a train that was getting smaller and warmer, making it suffocating. Rai moved to his side, putting his things on the floor. Alex knew she was just doing a nice gesture, but he really didn't feel like having someone near him at the moment.
He took a deep breath.
'It's going to be OK' said Rai with a soft voice, placing her hand on Alex's shoulder. This gesture caught him off-guard and managed to disarm him. He looked at her round big eyes and felt her comfort. His heart felt warm and rapidly felt guilty for the way he was acting. He felt like a spoiled child that was just throwing a tantrum, while she had been nothing but nice and patient to him, and she even persisted in cheering him up. A wave of frustration came over him again, but this time because he thought he had been an asshole to Rai. Alex relaxed his body and softened his face. There was no need to be angry anymore - he could actually talk to her.
'You look like a cat' blurted Alex. He proceeded to take out his phone and offer it to her. Rai looked at him and blinked in confusion. Then, Alex proceeded to gesture to her to take the phone, insistently.
"Your phone died, right? do you have to let somebody know you're stuck?"
'Right! Thanks!' Alex looked at her in awe as her face illuminated and grabbed the phone, as she just got distracted with a new toy. She looked like a cat, indeed. Alex rubbed the back of his neck, feeling silly for not knowing how to properly say sorry or even be nice to her, like a normal human being.
Rai moved her fingers very quickly as she typed. Alex looked around the train, checking on the other passengers who were also on their phones. One of the little windows was still open, so the strong wind started to rush in, blowing someone's hat. This person stood up immediately and closed it. Now, the only sound on the train was music coming out of someone's headphones and white noise from the emergency lights. And, of course, the strong white blizzard from the outside. Rai gave back the phone and encouraged him to also let his parents know. Alex nodded and texted his mom.
"Running late.
Train stuck.
Not hungry. "
Alex pressed send and saved the phone in his pocket again. They sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. Alex sighed and rubbed his eyes again. He was getting tired and a headache was starting to build up.
'Do you want to talk about it?' Rai asked, breaking the silence. Alex couldn't help grimacing, as he felt an uncomfortable pressure on his chest.
'I-I...' he mumbled, feeling almost nauseous. He grasped his legs, anxiously and muttered, 'I wouldn't even know how to...'.
Rai just stared, waitingly. She seemed so calm and steady in comparison to Alex, who felt like a ticking bomb about to explode. Was she used to this kind of behavior? Alex flustered and closed his eyes, then, he just spilled out:
'Connie broke up with me'.
Rai squinted her eyes a little bit, confused. He felt defeated. Then, she raised her eyebrows in acceptance.
'Okay,' she said in a soft voice.
'She cheated on me with her next door neighbor' Alex continued saying, with caution, 'it was only a kiss, according to her, but I knew better'.
He looked away at the window, resting his elbows on his knees, and intertwined his hands. Everything had disappeared outside.
'She broke up with me,' Alex chuckled. 'Could you believe that? Not me. Her. I was stupid enough to forgive her right away, because all I wanted was to stay together. I was ready to do anything to get our relationship back...'
Alex paused for a moment, to swallow the knot that was forming on his throat.
'...but she didn't want to. Like, the cheating wasn't just a mistake, you know? It was an excuse'.
'Maybe she did want to get back together, but couldn't communicate right...' Rai said softly, trying to comfort him.
'Well, it's not like she stuck around, obviously' Alex snapped and gestured to make her look around.
He regretted this right away.
'Fuck, sorry... You're just trying to be a good friend and I'm being a dick over here'.
'I will never forgive you' said Rai but when Alex scared eyes quickly went to see her face, she was smiling widely, 'you'll pay for that later' she added, giggling. Alex smiled, feeling beaten. She was so sweet and he could barely control himself.
Alex inhaled deeply and continued talking:
'Well, that was at the beginning of the school year, remember?' Rai nodded in response, then he added 'Okay, so, we've been dating for two years until that. But we actually met way before, when I was...14. Connie was sort of my best friend for a long time, so I couldn't hate her for cheating. Of course, it did hurt, but I was heartbroken because she didn't want to be with me'.
Alex grabbed his hair with both of his hands, pulling from it, trying to erase the memory of the first few months of school, when he was unconsolable, with his own self-esteem wracked.
'It was the fact that I was being rejected by someone who I loved and I knew for so long, that drove me crazy. I couldn't understand why she didn't want me anymore, or why I was suddenly insufficient, so I begged her... a lot'.
As Alex sighed, his phone rang a couple of times. It was the parents answering each other's texts. In comparison, Rai's parents had texted almost ten texts asking if she was ok and to let them know when the train got moving again, meanwhile, Alex's mom just texted and O.K with a thumbs-up emoji. This kind of freaked him out, as he found it a little over the top to be so worried. But, then, he remembered it was already dark outside and Rai was a girl. Alex showed her the incoming texts, then, she just nodded and gestured to him to continue.
And so he did:
'In retrospect... I know it wasn't so much about the rejection and the cheating, but when she left, I also did. I couldn't find myself. I didn't know who I was, you know what I mean? Everything was Connie. I can't say for sure if it was because I truly loved her, or I was just used to her. We did everything together - I literally saw her everyday, and I was so comfortable with her company'.
Alex remembered how he had told the same thing to Mitsu and how he had replied: 'I know what you mean'. At that time, Alex thought he was just being supportive, but now... he could get a clearer picture.
'So, when you guys broke up, you tried to be a single person again... as in literally a singular human being' commented Rai, attentively. She really understood what Alex was trying to explain right away, so he nodded delightedly and felt like he could relax his body again.
'Right,' he said. 'But I didn't find myself until I...'
'Until you met Mitsu?' Rai finished his sentence.
Alex didn't say a word, embarrassed. He shyly looked at her, blushing a little.
'Ah, yeah' she said with a smile, 'Mitsu can make you feel very comfortable in your own skin'.
This sounded so revealing, that Alex couldn't help but wide his eyes in surprise, making her quickly look at him and adding:
'Oh, I don't like him. We barely met last year. I mean, I consider him my friend, but he's just not what I... I mean, he's not like my type... although it's okay if it's someone's, but I just don't think about him that way, at all...'. Rai anxiously felt the obligation to make Alex understand that they were only friends. But Alex wasn't focused on that exactly, so he just nodded understandingly. He wanted to keep talking, but couldn't find the right words.
'I guess I had a crush on him?' Alex started to say but quickly shook his head, trying to find better words. 'I liked him. I wasn't really sure at first, because we spent this great night...'
Alex realized too late he had chosen the wrong words. Rai's surprised eyes looked straight to him, as she said:
"You guys...?!"
'No!' Alex interrupted her back, shaking his head and blushing, 'Why does everyone go there immediately?! It wasn't like that!'
'Well, you were the one who said it was an incredible night!' Rai bantered.
'I said "great", and it wasn't like that!' The fact that Alex felt the need to correct it made Rai blast in laughter, making him laugh too. "Stop that! We were together the night of the blackout. We stayed up late and talked about so much, and we laughed so much... It was sort of important to me" Alex's smile vanished and now he was serious again. Rai nodded and adopted a more solemn pose.
'In a way, we were...uh- we are very alike' Alex continued, slowly and with caution. He swallowed loudly and he thought to himself how much he sucked at expressing his emotions.
'But, also, very different at the same time. I thought it was because he made me feel like I was genuinely being myself and not doing things for somebody else. I said and acted however I wanted to and however it felt natural to me. But, then... I...'
'Fell in love?' Rai rushed to finish. This made Alex look at her with terror and he suddenly in n less than a second she had Alex hand covering her mouth. He looked at her with new, suddenly dark, eyes:
'Don't you ever say that again. That kind of language is not allowed on this train... or ever' Alex removed his hand and lifted a finger at her as a threat.
Rai chuckled and played along:
'I'm so sorry for the disrespect' she said in between laughs. 'Please, continue...'
'I just liked him! Well I thought I did...' proceeded Alex, relaxing even more, and leaning back into his seat. He stared at the ceiling. Some of the lights were still flickering and the handles were very still.
'What's up with that York guy, anyway?' tattled Alex, after a while. He looked at her sideways.
Rai knew he wasn't asking who he was. She let out a little smile, probably not noticing it, while she nodded and raised her eyebrows.
'I know. He can be a little too much, sometimes...' she commented. Alex couldn't help but twitch at this strong feeling in his stomach, that made him feel sick.
He was jealous of York and it wasn't because he kissed Mitsu - although he definitely wasn't delighted by that - but because his attitude was so pedantic and dominant, besides, he acted like he owned Mitsu. The worst part was, though he would never admit it out loud, he found him... enchanting.
'But York's just that...' Rai continued, '...he's Mitsu's ex and that's it. That's the point'.
'Well, someone should let him know that' Alex growled, 'and what's with that accent?" Alex said the sentence with the tint of jealously marked on each word "Is he french? Where did he have to fly off, anyway?'
Alex's attitude amused Rai and made her proud.
'He's from Canada' she informed, 'from the french side. He went to high school and college here, and now he lives in Los Angeles and is trying to get an acting degree... or something like that'.
'He's an actor?' scoffed Alex, 'Of course he is. I mean, he looks like the type - tall guy with an accent and blue eyes, inherently charming, very douche-like... He probably swiped every girl off their feet'. Alex rolled his eyes, and he thought to himself: and every guy too, apparently.
Rai couldn't help but laugh at that, but he was so into his rant that he didn't even notice.
'Didn't he study psychology, though? Did he drop out?'
'Well, he did study and finished psychology' Rai explained, 'but he always wanted to be an actor and he just decided to pursue his dream. You know, as people with a lot of money do' she teased, 'and now he got hired on an upcoming show, apparently'.
'Oh, c'mon' Alex snapped. The reaction was so natural and sincere, that made both of them laugh off, loudly. They hushed quickly as some people looked at them annoyed.
'Sorry' mouthed Ray to an old guy close to them, who was awakened because of their laughs. Then, she turned to him:
'Alex, listen, you shouldn't pay too much attention to how they act when they're together. They always like to goof around and they keep a weirdly close...friendship' Alex frowned at this last statement. 'York is just his ex, who doesn't even live here, and whatever type of connection they keep it's pretty obvious it's just superficial. And there's a reason for that. Besides, I could tell you guys had something going on since you arrived at my party. I know it was too early to even notice, but there's this energy between you, as if you complement each other'.
'Wait, what?' Alex looked at her, terrified. 'Oh, no...'
Rai slapped the back of Alex's head, not as soft as she intended. Alex looked at her, shocked by the move, and moaned in response.
'I'm sorry, but do you like him or not? Why are you panicking? You should be happy I'm telling you this. And I can tell Mitsu might recognize this too'
'Well, I don't think so, because they were happy kissing each other' Alex objected.
Rai looked down, knowing that wasn't comfortable for anyone involved.
'Yeah... but they're over. I don't know half of what happened between them, or how their relationship was, but it seems that it's impossible they could get together ever again'.
'I bet they're on and off all the time, and every time York is in town...' Alex started saying, but Rai turned to him with a fulminating look before he could finish his sentence.
'You're being irritating' Rai began. 'If you keep whining like this at every little thing, then this frustration you have inside you, will never disappear. And you'll never be able to do something about it. AND you'll never know what Mitsu thinks or what it would be like if things turn out for the good'.
Alex was paralyzed with Rai's scolding. She was right, but she was getting too excited about this. Today had already been overwhelming for Alex, and he barely could think about the possibility of wanting something to happen with Mitsu. He sighed, deeply frustrated like she had just mentioned.
'Yeah, alright' Alex mumbled, 'but first I need a moment to sort out my feelings. I just saw him again today and this happened. All of these emotions overtaking my head are very alien to me... especially, with a boy'.
Rai didn't show it, but the last words took her by surprise. She took a peek at Alex, just now noticing, that was a huge deal to Alex.
At that moment, to Alex's relief, the lights of the train suddenly turned back on.