Alex spent the first week of winter break thinking about that day - Mitsu's feverish cheeks, his jawline tensed up and the way he leaned onto his fingers when Alex was checking his temperature. The young boy's gut dropped every time his mind went through those memories. He started to wonder if maybe he was sick - maybe he had eaten something rancid. He had never experienced such strong physical reactions before. He wondered if it was also like that with Connie. Alex couldn't remember well, but he was certain this time was beyond special. He didn't just have a crush on someone - he liked a boy.
All of it was so new and unexpected. Alex couldn't remember how to act around new friends, let alone a boy-friend. Maybe Mitsu was just being friendly and Alex had misunderstood.
'I mean, he certainly likes girls' thought Alex while doing his chores. The scrawny boy remembered the time he saw Mafuyu leaving with the shaved head girl, whose name was impossible for him to remember.
'And now I'm certain he likes boys too' Alex frowned to himself.
'No, Mitsu loved a boy'. If it was possible once, it could happen again. The big question was if the feelings were mutual.
Rai had sent him a couple of pictures of her and her boyfriend - who also didn't remember, although it has been months since Rai have been speaking about him.
'Man, I suck at having friends' Alex said to himself aloud, while browsing through the pictures. Rai seemed happy and that made Alex happy. He replied with a smiley face with kisses. That was enough, right?
The whole thing with Mitsu got Alex completely distracted - he could barely do basic things. Worst of all, he had to study for a couple of exams he had to re-take, since he hadn't done well on the first try. He did try to get up early everyday and sit at his desk. But after rolling a few cigarettes, he ended up just going through that day with Mitsu and going through old chats. He had asked Alex for water. Was that just a friendly request?
'He invited me. I took care of him,' Alex reminded himself. 'Then why the fuck hasn't he reached out!?'.
Even if they were only friends, he was being pretty rude. The pale boy didn't particulary enjy this dynamic between them. Thanking him for passing by would've been enough. He immediately thought of Rai and how she'd go over the top if Alex had done that for her. She'd probably send flowers with a thank you note. 'Well, maybe Rai is just way too fucking friendly' expressed Alex while putting down his cigarette. Why was he getting all worked up for a simple thing - like expecting a 'thank you'?
More days went by and his mind wouldn't stop analyzing things. He had to stay inside his house because his sister had gifted their parents a trip for the whole week, as an earlier christmas gift. Alex begged them to go, so he could have a quiet enviroment to study. The thing is...
He hadn't studied a thing - he had barely opened a notebook. It was already the fifth day of the winter break and he had wasted every single day overthinking.
'Ahhh' Alex whined while hitting his head on the desk. Frustration and pressure were accumulating inside of him. 'I'm going to fail. I can't fail. It's my first semester. This was supposed to be easy'. Alex lifted his head aggressively and grabbed another cigarette he had already rolled, lit it up and took a long puff.
'I can't concentrate. This is bullshit!"
The young boy pressed his eyes tightly and stood up with a new determination. He banged his desk and supported his body with his hands. He inhaled deeply.
'I have one day to study for two exams!' he shouted while looking straight at his reflection on the computer screen. 'I can't waste any more time! I'M GETTING A RED BULL!'
He left his phone charging, put the leash on Shaggy, threw a jacket over himself and headed to the nearest store. The sun had already set and the wind was strong as ever - he could barely see and hear a thing. Shaggy didn't seem to mind, though, as he hopped happily by Alex's side. It jumped over the small puddles that the melted snow had left, making his fluffy hair get blown because of the wind.
Alex ended up buying six red bulls, the biggest bag of cheetos he could find, and more tobacco. It was the perfect recipe for pulling an all nighter. After all, he had survived the two years prior to college. If he could do that, then he could survive this.
Back at home, he dried Shaggy's wet feet with a dry towel. The dog kept trying to lick his face, like he was grateful. Alex saved five of the redbull's on the fridge and opened one right away, chugging it. He poured the whole bag of cheetos into a salad bowl and went to his bedroom. Shaggy snuggled on his bed and fell asleep in the cutest pose. Alex couldn't help but take a picture of the dog, smiling as he felt the biggest love for him.
'I love you' he whispered to him.
Alex left his goodies on his deck and picked up his phone to check up on the time. It wasn't as late as he thought, as it was only 8pm. He was about to settle an alarm for his first break at 12am. But before he could do anything, his phone rang on his hand, showing a new message. He opened the notification banner and his gut dropped again.
'Thanks for the water and for taking care of me. I feel better'.
Alex read Mitsu's message over and over again, in disbelief. The reason he hadn't texted at all was because he was still recovering. Alex felt guilty and stupid. He was the one who should have texted and asked Mitsu if he was feeling better. Without any hesitation, he typed his reply, feeling rushes of adrenaline through his body. He wasn't sure if it was feeling nervous or was the energy drink doing its magic.
'I'm glad to heart that. Don't worry about it'.
The 'read' sign appeared at once. Alex had his eyes glued to the phone screen, barely blinking, as the 'Typing' sign appeared.
'I definitely owe you one. U busy right now? Wanna grab some pizza and drinks?'
Alex still felt confused because he felt his heart beating faster after reading it.
He felt the urgency to quickly reply and say he was ready for anything. But, looking around his room -the bed undone, redbull half drunk, cheeto crumbs, papers and notebooks everywhere- and decided to take things slow. If only he hadn't lost days to overthinking and he actually studied.
Alex laid on his bed, with the phone in his hands. He felt pressure on his chest. He had to give some kind of answer to not lose his opportunity, but also... 'Ugh, fucking school!' he cried out loud, making Shaggy wake up, startled. He got up and rubbed the back of his neck. If he passed, Mitsu might think he didn't want to spend time with him, and he definetley wanted to go. He sighed deeply. Feeling Mafuyu's warmth and seeing his friendly smile, was all he wanted at the moment. Also, he craved for feeling like himself again, as he would feel when he was around Mitsu.
'I guess...' he thought to himself, 'I did sort my feelings out'. Alex knew what he wanted, but he also knew what he needed to do.
Alex collected all the strength and will power he had.
'I can't right now' he texted. 'I have two exams this week and I need to catch up'. He frowned at how serious and solemn he had accidentally written that message, so he added a smiley face.
'That's it' Alex declared, turning to Shaggy who was looking at him, moving his tale with a sleepy look. 'I missed my chance. He will never ask me to hang out again. It's over'.
He left the phone on his bed and laid back again, putting his hands on the back of the head.
'Serves me well for being an idiot' he said, as Shaggy snuggled by his side and slept again. 'For freaking out over nothing.'
Alex got up suddenly and sat on his desk, grabbing a handful of cheetos and putting them in his mouth. He checked his notes for the test and started making a summary. The phone chimed again. He turned around and picked up his phone, laying again on his bed. He got back up again, because it wasn't a message. It was a call. From Mitsu.
'Holy shit' he muttered and answered the call.
'H-Hello?' he cleared his throat. 'Hello?' said again, more firmly.
'Are you seriously turning me down to study?'
Alex thanked all the gods in the universe, Mitsu couldn't see his face at the moment, because he had just flushed as red as a tomato.
'Dude, I'm about to fail and I haven't studied shit' he replied, sounding more serious and annoyed on purpose. He couldn't risk his voice giving away his nervousness.
'What subjects are you having trouble with?'
Alex hesitated.
'Um, neuroscience and math' he mumbled, squinting his eyes, waiting for Mitsu's teasing.
Instead, he took a pause and with a happy voice said:
'I can help you with that'.
Alex stopped breathing.
He is always thinking about wanting to see mitsu again, or wanting him to reach out to him, but he never actually spend time thinking what would he do if that actually happened.
and it was happening, right now.
'Uh' he could barely think what to say. Was Mitsu suggesting they met somewhere? Or was he just being nice?
He had been quiet for almost a minute. He was unable to speak. It was too much to take in.
'Hello?' asked Mitsu on the other side, thinking there had been a problem with the call. 'You still there?'
'Yes' reacted Alex, getting out of his trance. 'Um, sorry, I didn't get that last part... what did you say?' Alex asked, pronouncing the last words carefully, thinking he could get away with it. Also, he really wanted to hear him say it again.
'I said I could help you with that,' repeated Mitsu, louder and slower. Alex covered his mouth to avoid laughing. 'I mean, that way I can pay you back'.
Those last words took Alex by surprise, as he thought Mitsu's voice sounded embarrassed. Maybe he was regretting his offer, after the scrawny boy made him repeat himself. Maybe he had heard his offer and thought that he didn't really want to.
Alex started panicking. He couldn't miss the opportunity of seeing Mafuyu, as it was the only thing he had desired for days. He took a deep breath and firmly replied:
'Uh- yeah!' He wrinkled his face as he cringed. 'I mean, that could actually help'.
The young boy hit his face with his palm, feeling brainless.
'Cool' Mitsu replied with a cheered voice that sounded as if he was smiling. That made Alex smile too. 'Um, we can study here, at my place'.
"what?" He looked at Shaggy that was still asleep, but now laying on his back, showing his belly.
Alex felt a rush of blood going up to his head, blushing his cheeks, ears and neck.
'Now?' Alex remembered he literally couldn't. 'Oh, man, I can't now. I have to stay here and take care of the house and my dog'.
'I'll come over then' Mitsu quickly replied.
Alex panicked. He looked around at his room and all the blood that had gathered in his face went right down. Everything looked abominably messy. Besides the snacks and papers on his desks, he also had piles of dirty clothes, an undone bed, cigarette buds, ash and dog hair everywhere.
'Just give me your address and I'll be there in a couple of minutes' Mitsu expressed, while sounding like he was moving around. 'I'm taking my bike'.
After Alex gave his address, he hung up and stood up looking at his whole room. He opened a window to let the stink of smoke disappear, and started to pick up all the dirty clothes that were in sight and hide it in his closet. He made his bed in a rush and put a hoodie on since the bedroom went inmediately cold because of the breeze. After everything looked decently tidied up, Alex stopped to take a deep breath.
'This is so stupid!' he exclaimed looking at Shaggy, who had woken up with all of his moving around. 'Shaggy! What the fuck! Why am I even doing this? He's with York! I think. No - well, is he?'
'...'
'Doesn't matter! I should've said "no". I should text him and cancel' Alex sat down on his bed, next to his dog and grabbed his phone.
It was too late. The phone chimed as he had grabbed it and the screen showed Mitsu's new message:
'I'm here'
The bell rang. Shaggy stood up energetically and ran to the main door. He got up, feeling his whole body getting heavier and stiffer. He was convinced he was going to throw up as soon as he opened the door. His dog was already standing at the door, shaking his tail, restless.
'Be good, Shaggy' Alex managed to mutter at his dog, who shook his tail more intensely.
The scrawny boy opened the door just a bit to peek to the outside. Mitsu was closer than he had expected.
'What are you doing?' Mafuyu asked, chuckling. He had placed his bike leaning on the wall, so he was standing there with his hands on his pockets and his backpack hanging on one shoulder. Mafuyu looked way better, his eyes were back to normal.
'Hi?'
'Hey' Alex opened the door completely, not paying attention to Shaggy, who ran directly to Mafuyu and lunged into him.
'a dog!' Mitsu shouted as he smiled and crouched to scratch Shaggy's head. 'Oh he's so happy! ' Mafuyu laughed vivaciously while the dog licked his face.
'Yeah' Alex mumbled and chuckled at Mitsu's happy face, scratching the back of his neck. He took a deep breath as silently as he could.
'Here' Alex pointed at the bike. 'Let me take it in'.
He moved the bike and left it in the kitchen, as it was closer to the entrance. Mitsu followed him, walking in with Shaggy jumping around him.
'He's so cute! What's his name?'
'Shaggy' Alex grinned, looking guilty for his obvious tastes.
'Cute'. Mitsu looked at him, raising his eyebrows.
Alex quickly turned around to avoid Mafuyu's look and shaked his hair away from his eyes. He approached the fridge and opened it. He felt uneasy and didn't know where to put his hands. What did he do with his hands regularly? The young boy looked inside the fridge trying to concentrate on the coolness crashing on his face.
'Water is fine' Mafuyu replied, taking a look around.
Alex took out a jug with cold water and poured it into a nearby glass. He was so concentrated in not shaking, he analyzed every movement. He lifted the glass and offered it to Mitsu.
'Thank you'.
Mafuyu's fingertips touched Alex's, making him put away his hand quickly and look down.
'Don't. flush.' He commanded himself. 'Don't flush, idiot'.
'So... my room...' started to say Alex as he pointed the way and slowly turned around.
'Are you okay?' Mitsu asked, somehow amused. He squinted, looking at Alex's face. He refilled his cup with water, giving Alex the opportunity to shake it off and play it cool.
'Yeah? Yeah! Just stressed. I have all my stuff in my room. That's where I study. But maybe we could move here, if you want to...'
Alex bit his tongue to stop blabbering. He felt extremely childish. On the opposite end, Mitsu looked at him amused, almost entertained. He walked to him and stopped as close as he could get at the young boy's face.
'Okay, let's study'. He grinned while pointing to the hallway.
'So, you're here all alone?' Mitsu mocked him, pouting, as they entered the room. Mafuyu scanned the entire place. Alex didn't have a big sized bed and there was no guitar or piano - or any other instrument, for that matter. Mitsu was impressed by the computer set up, especially the speakers, as they had RGB lights on them. He had been browsing some stores trying to find speakers just like those. 'Woah, those are so cool!' Mitsu pointed at it. 'the headphones too!'
'Thanks' replied Alex turning away, pretending to search for something, but glad that Mitsu wasn't looking at him, because Alex had flushed quickly when he had asked if he was alone.
Mitsu noticed a few Pokemon stickers all around Alex's desk and dresser. A smile slipped on his lips, as he imagined this room belonging to a younger version of Alex. Well, younger-er. Mafuyu approached the bookshelf and admired the books, and bit his lip when he saw a collection of manga; he also owned a few of them but he kept them hidden. Apparently Alex didn't really care about that...
He also noticed the couple of ashtrays laying around in different corners of the room. Alex got anxious contemplating how Mitsu moved around his room, scooping. He hadtried his best cleaning as fast as he could, but maybe it wasn't enough.
'I was going to order pizza still, but I see you already had dinner' Mafuyu taunted as he pointed at the cheetos.
Alex looked at him, finally unclenching his jaw and relaxing his shoulders. Mitsu was being Mitsu again, showing him there was nothing to worry about, he was making jokes and always trying to make him laugh.
'Don't mess with my cheetos, man' Alex followed his lead.
Mitsu laughed out loud and sat on the floor, leaving his bag next to him. 'There's no space left in your desk to teach you, so let's sit on the floor' Mafuyu kept joking.
Alex chuckled and nodded. He grabbed his notes, the food and his energy drink. He realized he still had red bulls left, so he offered one to Mitsu.
'Great idea'. Mafuyu grabbed the young boy's notebooks and started checking them. He smiled as he read Alex's handwriting.
Alex headed to the kitchen. He let himself catch his breath as the cold air from the fridge hit his face. After getting two cans out, he breathed a couple of times, putting one of the cans on the back of his neck. As he was about to return, his body didn't respond. He smashed his cheeks with his hands.
'Pull yourself together' he commanded himself. 'Nothing is going on. He's chilling in your room. You've been to his twice already. Nothing is going on - you're good. Snap out of it'.
Alex entered his room and found Mitsu rolling a cigarette. The young boy was stunned as he realized Mafuyu didn't have the strongest focus and got distracted pretty easily.
'Hey' Mitsu muttered before licking the rolled paper, to seal it. Alex looked away and went straight to his desk, trying to ignore his gut dropping. He blamed the cheetos and energy drink for it. He opened a can and handed it to Mafuyu without looking at him, who took it and drank right away. He opened the new can and managed to sip just a bit.
'I noticed the window was slightly opened and it was freezing in here, so I closed it, is that okay?' Mitsu said putting the cigarette on his mouth. 'Can I smoke in here?'.
'Yeah' Alex grinned, surprised by Mafuyu's politeness. 'I won that battle to my parents years ago'. The young boy finally was able to sit next to his partner. 'Did you check the notes?'
'Yeah, I already know why you had to retake the test' Mitsu puffed and chuckled. 'You're not very good at taking notes, huh?' Alex flushed. 'But I remmeber, so don't worry about it. I'll help you'.
Mafuyu handed the cigarette to Alex and started to roll another one.
'Can't focus if not smoking' he said like he owed an explanation.
The young boy took a drag from the cigarette and felt the dampness on the tip, where Mitsu had smoked. His heart raced and took it away quickly. He lay it on the ashtray and coughed, pretending it was too strong as he recuperated.
Alex felt comfortable as the time passed. He remembered the night of the blackout and Mitsu made him feel really relaxed - 'He can make you feel really comfortable in your own skin' Rai had said. He lit up a rolled cigarette and chugged on his red bull.
Alex stared at his window and saw how the moonlight was strong enough to notice the smoke accumulated in the room. A mental picture of Mitsu's face in the dark appeared. Alex was expecting to feel nervous again, but this time he felt warming tingling in his chest. He couldn't help but to take a handful of cheetos and shove it in his mouth out of awkwardness, as Mitsu looked focused smoking and reading his notes.
'Alright' Mafuyu blew a huge cloud of smoke and tapped the notebook with a finger. 'This, right here. You see it?' Alex responded with a nod. 'This sucks.'
Alex almost fell. His disappointment shpwed in his face as Mitsu's laugh got louder.
'you got it all wrong' Mafuyu said, but he didn't seem mean or bully. He grabbed a pen with the hand that didn't have a cigarette: "look..."
Alex stared in awe as Mitsu's faced lighted up while explaining and correcting the notes, overwhelmed by seeing this new trait the older boy was showing. He nodded every time Mafuyu peeked at his directions, to check if he was understanding. Mitsu had an incredible and effortless way of explaining almost everything the books said. He took one look at the title and remembered everything by the second. Alex couldn't help but be astonished at how bewitching Mitsu was to him.
'Hey' Mitsu snapped his fingers in front of the young boy's face. 'Are you listening?'
Alex just nodded, once more.
Mitsu, out of the blue, wrapped around his arm over Alex's shoulders and pulled him closer. Alex looked at his face, closer than ever, paralyzed. He could see his long eyelashes and tiny freckles on his face. Mitsu's eyes were especially dark and they were staring right at Alex's. The young boy could barely speak, let alone ask what was going on, so he just emitted some confused noises.
'Are you really listening to me? All you do is nodding'
'I was!' Alex started to blush as Mitsu smell got stronger and sweeter.
Mitsu noticed his red cheeks and let him go. He leaned back and smiled, slightly triumphant. Then, he grabbed his backpack and started to look for something inside.
'You know what helps me study better?' asked Mitsu while moving some things around. Alex was still trying to remember how to breathe again.
'A-ha!' Mafuyu pulled a plastic bag and showed it to Alex. The young boy was confused at the content inside. It looked like a rolled cigarette but considerably thicker. It downed to Alex that it wasn't a regular cigarette when a particular smell came out from the bag. It was a blunt.
'Shall we?' asked Mitsu with a suggestive look.