The wind blew hard, messing up Alex's already tangled hair. He walked through the campus, annoyed and cold. He slid under his hood and hid his face, also shoving his hands deep in his pant's pocket. When he reached out to the exit, he reached out for his ID card and stared at it. It stated: 'Alex Williams, Male, Psychology Student. Winter Semester' and a couple of numbers.
Since he was supposed to be on break, his ID wasn't working, and he couldn't take the train with the student's fee. He had to charge money to the card on one of the machines inside the station. His mom had given him money to set it, but he had spent it on a Redbull and a strong coffee that morning.
He did not do good on his tests.
The young boy could tell right away as he finished the last one, and his fingers trembled. He felt infuriated with himself. He acted very immature last night.
He walked fast to the platform while feeling his blood boiling with rage. He hid his face deeper in his hoodie, wanting to reach home as soon as possible. Dammit. Alex tried hard not to think about the other night, but he couldn't control the rush of thoughts in his head.
Dammit, dammit, dammit. He kept having multiple flashbacks of Mitsu. One specific image kept coming around, all over again and again. The skinny boy reached out for one of the handles and grabbed it as hard as he could. He kept trying to push away the memories, but the images seemed forged in his mind.
Alex clenched all his muscles every time Mafuyu's face came to mind. He felt butterflies on his stomach every time he remembered the touch of Mitsu's lips.
After kissing him for a couple of seconds, Mitsu pulled his face back, checking the young boy's expression quickly. Alex's eyes were wide open, but he could not recognize what he was feeling or thinking. Mafuyu panicked. He felt he had forced himself into Alex, even when the boy had expressively rejected him before. But when he saw him so eager when he pulled him from his shirt, the older boy couldn't help himself get carried away. Mafuyu never intended to leave - he was adjusting his posture. Alex let go of the older boy's shirt and looked away clenching his jaw.
Mitsu's heart dropped. Is he going to fight him? Punch him? Alex seemed a quiet skinny boy, but he was still...a boy. Mafuyu had acted on impulse and never asked what did Alex thought. He didn't even know the young boy's moral values or his opinion on some issues. Mafuyu was convinced he was about to get into a fight with the boy as he had crossed a line that they hadn't defined.
Instead, Alex sat down and rested his back on the bed, astonished. He was trying to keep his breathe and pulse under control, even when his cheeks were burning red.
Mitsu did the same and lit up what was left of the joint. Alex couldn't believe how chilled did Mafuyu looked at that moment.
He was still a bit fuzzy because of the weed and couldn't control his thoughts. Fuck. I'm so high right now, he thought. He was still on that thought when he noticed Mitsu offering a puff, with his light-hearted smile and squinting eyes.
'Want some more?' insisted.
He grabbed the rest of the joint, touching Mitsu's fingers for a second, which made his gut turn. He took a long and deep drag and let it out with a slight cough. Mafuyu had already rolled a cigarette and lit it up. He went back to flip through Alex's notes as the skinny boy rested his head on the bed, not taking his eyes from Mitsu.
Alex's eyes got heavier, but he couldn't look away from Mitsu. He got trapped at the thought of his steady hands flipping through his notebook as nothing had happened.
His fingers looked so secure of themselves. As for the young boy, he had hidden his hands under his legs as he was afraid they might be trembling. Mafuyu seemed so focused, even though they had just...
"did you get the thing about the neural substrates?"
The older boy asked him without taking away his gaze from the notebooks. Alex didn't understand a word that came from Mitsu's lips. Williams stared at Mafuyu blankly, who peeked back at him and smiled gently.
'Let's check it out again, then.' He accomodated closer to him with caution while taking a puff from his cigarette. Alex could hear Mafuyu's words but didn't understand them. Mitsu's lips and eyes captured him.
The young boy stared in awe as his thoughts rushed into his mind. He tried to understand what he was explaining, but...Mitsu was so close. Alex could sense his warmness and smell his odor under all the smoke. Their shoulders and knees were touching, but this didn't seem to bother Mitsu as he kept explaining with eagerness.
Alex couldn't believe the capacity that Mafuyu had at studying while high.
He looks like knows everything. He probably does knows everything. All of it. Thought Alex while keeping his eyes on the most intelligent person he believed he had met. The young boy didn't say a word and didn't dare to interrupt, even though he could only hear the muzzled words coming from Mitsu.
What seemed like an eternity to Alex, when Mitsu was done explaining, he started to feel hungry and tired. The young boy stood up and stretched his arms and back, letting out a low moan, catching Mafuyu's attention.
'I'm hungry,' Alex mumbled as he headed to the door. 'You want anything?'
Mitsu couldn't help but chuckle at the image of the young boy's starving face. Alex turned around and stared at him for a couple of seconds and squinted his eyes when he realized Mafuyu was smiling.
'I'm okay.' Yawning and stretching.
Alex entered the kitchen and searched through his fridge for something to eat, the drug's effects were coming off, and he finally allowed himself to completely think about Mitsu's kiss.
New questions arise, making him nervous again. While grabbing a yogurt and cereal, he wondered if he was supposed to say something to him - or if this was something usual to Mafuyu. Maybe he acted like this with York too. Alex clenched his fingers at this thought, making him drop the snack he was preparing. Shaggy ate it before it hit the ground.
The young boy closed his eyes, frustrated.
Could it happen again? Alex wondered with a tint of desire. He finished preparing the snack and took it back to the room.
He found Mitsu sound asleep on his bed. Alex couldn't believe what he saw. He sat at his desk and ate quietly. When done, he rubbed his forehead, not knowing what to do.
'Why do you seem to enjoy making things difficult to me?' he whispered to himself.
He checked on the time and sighed. They didn't study at all, yet it was already 4 AM. Alex grabbed a thick blanket out of the closet and covered Mitsu up. His eyes were so tired and puffy. He could barely see what he was doing. After turning off the lights, he headed to his parent's bedroom and took off his clothes, leaving only his underwear.
The following day, Mitsu wished him good luck on his exams,shaking Alex's hair with his hand as saying good-bye. He took his bike and left.
Both of them said nothing about the kiss.
The young boy, tired, went out to retake exams and failed incredibly. Alex couldn't help groan lowly at the train, trying not to catch anyone's attention. He felt his body tired, as he had slept barely three hours and eaten just a couple of pop tarts. Alex required a real meal. A headache was starting to build up.
Time had passed since he had gotten high with someone - that someone, being only Connie, and with a smaller dose. Why did he think it was a good idea to do it the night before the exams? Why did he follow Mitsu's lead? Alex pressed his hand harder around the handle. He hated the idea of being powerless over Mitsu's charm. He found himself doing whatever Mafuyu asked him to do. If the older boy needed water, he encountered himself going straight to his place without thinking about it. If Mafuyu wanted to get high before the study session, he went along with it. If he kissed him and then didn't mention it after, he complied, not asking any questions.
The latter annoyed him the most, although it was hard to admit. Mitsu didn't bring it up, so Alex didn't want to insist. But he couldn't reprimend himself for not saying something.
When he got home, he headed straight to his bed. He closed his eyes, tired, and proceeded to try to sleep. The young boy hid his face on the pillow, suppressing the desire to smash something out of frustration. But suddenly, he rushed back up because he could sense Mitsu's smell imprinted on the pillow, the image of Mitsu's lips ran back. His mouth was slightly dried, slightly red, soft while rubbing against his lips, slowly. He seemed more confident and firmer than Alex, paralyzed with shock while kissing.
'He did want to kiss me,' Alex thought to himself, 'then why....?'.
Why didn't Mitsu say something? Alex wondered. Were they ever going to talk about it? He spent the rest of the break taking care of his house by staying inside, playing games, and smoking non-stop. And whenever he wasn't doing that, he thought about the kiss - over and over again. He got flustered about how things developed each time they came to his mind. He regretted not saying something right away.
Now, too much time had passed, and it felt awkward to address it out of nowhere. "Hey, lovely kiss. That was cool, right?" Alex imagined saying to Mitsu but couldn't help cringe at the mere idea, that was weird.
'It shouldn't be weird!' muttered Alex to himself, as he played a game on his phone while laying on his bed. "I was as involved as him in that kiss. I should have a say on it..." ' The boy looked at Shaggy, who just looked back at him, waving his tail. An overwhelming feeling took over, and Alex couldn't help feeling...sad. He tried to shake it off and concentrate on his game, but his mind kept rushing with thoughts.
'I dunno what's he used to with his friends -especially his friends that are boys - and he could be used to this kind of let's kiss and forget about it. Probably with his stupid ex but im.. "
Me? A guy?
His thoughts took over him, suffocating him every day that passed. Alex wanted to rest before going back to class, but it seemed impossible. It was already the first day of his second semester, and he felt exhausted. The boy was wearing black clothes from top to bottom, transforming into his everyday uniform.
Alex desired with all his heart that he'd go unnoticed that day, so he avoided everyone that he could. He stuck on going to class and then leaving as fast as possible. If anyone would ask, he had things to do.
Despite trying, it was impossible to escape everyone. Rai lifted the plastic covering the entrance of the stairway. The boy, who had hidden in his safe space, jumped scared.
Before he could say anything, Rai stood in front of him with her index finger pressing into his chest.
'Um...''Why the heck haven't you been answering your texts? Do you know how worried I was?!' she scolded him in a firm motherly voice, still pointing and poking him. 'I thought you were mad at me or that you had dropped college and me with it!'
'Hey, ouch,' Alex whined, pushing her finger away.
'How you dare "ouch" me? Answer me!'
'Okay, maybe, like, chill for a moment?' he said in a defensive way, squinting his eyes with grogginess, like it was sugh a drag.
'I thought you were at the beach and wanted to be left alone with... uh...' He shut his mouth immediately as he realized he didn't remember her boyfriend's name.
Rai gasped in shock while putting her hands on her waist.
'Are you shitting me!?' she began as her cheeks reddened as she got angrier. 'So, you just woke up today and decided to be an asshole, huh?'
'Fuck, I'm sorry,' he said, in a way that showed he wanted to finish the conversation as soon as possible, which made her even redder. 'I am! That was fucked up.'
'So? What kept you so busy during the break that only let you reply to my texts with cute emojis?'
'Nothing! I told you, I thought you wanted to be with your boyfriend.' Alex giggled a little again, remembering he didn't know his name after six months. His laugh made Rai relax a bit, as she found it funny that time.
'So, did something happen?' she asked and sat next to him. Alex looked at her, insecure about telling the truth or lie. Mitsu probably had told her something. Or maybe he specifically avoided sharing it...
'No,' he firmly responded. The truth was that either way, Alex would be embarrassed. Mitsu had kissed him, and then nothing had happened. What could he say? Although Alex tried to sound convincing, Rai peeped at him skeptically.
Anne appeared from behind the plastic cover, greeting both of them. Alex regretted ever telling them about his hiding spot because now he wouldn't be able to spend time alone - and take naps. The newcomer proceeded to hug Rai lovingly.
Alex frowned in confusion, not knowing when both of them had met.
'Don't look so shocked,' said Anne, noticing his expression and kissing him on the cheek. 'I have other friends, too.'
'I'm not... whatever.' Alex took a newly rolled cigarette from an Altoid's tin box and lit it up, not caring. The girls started chatting as they took out their lunch, telling each other about their break. Alex listened as he smoked his cigarette, not caring about the conversation. He got absorbed in his thoughts about Mitsu and how the girls would react if he told them. Possibly they would scold him about not talking about it sooner. How was it possible that they were always lecturing him, yet they were so friendly and kind to one another? How did they get along so quickly?
Anne took out a can of soda from her bag and handed it to Alex, who stared at her, not knowing what to do.
'Its for you. I don't drink soda anymore' Anne shrugged.
'Thanks.' Alex chugged the cold and fresh cola, which felt good on his sore throat. He had spent too many days smoking.
'So, what did you do on your break, Alex?' Anne inquired while taking a glimpse of Rai, who grinned a little in response. Alex squinted his eyes in suspicion as the girls convinced him that they were plotting against him. They were pushing him and wanted him to tell if something had happened, he wasn't sure if they knew something, probably not, but to say anything about it was something he intended to avoid the rest of his days.
'Nothing.' he replied and bit the edge of the can as an impulse.
'So you keep saying,' Rai chanted while rising quickly her eyebrows to Anne.
Alex stood up fast and grabbed his bag. 'I'm gonna go now,' he stated while making sure he sounded annoyed with them and that they were the reason he was leaving.
'You can't keep everything to yourself, Alex!' shouted one of the girls as he walked away, waving his hand but not looking back.
Although he couldn't make whether Anne or Rai had said that, this stuck on his head the rest of the afternoon. Alex looked over to the sky while walking back home. The grey clouds raced, and the air was warm, threatening to pour over the rain. He sighed, lost in his thoughts. No sound around.
The young boy decided to take the bus, although it took longer than the train. But he couldn't risk bumping into anyone else today. He put on his earphones and played what he was listening to brefore. It was a new album he had on repeat for the last month. Alex was surprised that after Connie and he broke up, he would listen to music he liked and enjoyed. He felt almost grateful for the separation.
The album was getting to an end, and a couple of people were left on the bus. While sitting at the back, he dribbled his fingers and legs to the rhythm of the music, following all kinds of tempos. Alex looked through the window, noticing tiny drops of water accumulating continuously on the glass. He regretted not taking an umbrella with him, although it was warned it would rain for the next couple of days. As he started gathering his things and preparing for his stop, He let whatever song shuffled next and what popped up made him stop what he was doing instantly.
It was Mitsu's song.
The skinny boy felt the need to skip it, but his body didn't respond. He was captured by the melody and the frenetic guitar. He couldn't recognize so many other sounds that complemented the song. The picture of Mitsu close to his face kept appearing on his head, making his stomach warm.
Mitsu had made Alex laugh so much the day of the blackout until his cheeks hurt, and he was out of breath. The young boy remembered his nude torso as he opened the door when Alex got him water when he was sick. And how he had hugged him the same night they kissed, wrapping the boy with his smell.
The song, as he remembered, ended with only the sound of a piano, smooth notes that slowed down Alex's heart beats with it. They transmitted a deep emotion to Alex. He remembered when Mitsu had ask him to stop putting a certain expression on his face. Melancholic, he had said. Yeah, the song ended melancholicly.
When the song ended and another random song started playing, Alex felt a hole inside his chest. He didn't experience before the feelings from a song, Mitsu was really good at composing and transmitting his feelings on it. What was the song really about? Beginning so strong and fierce, but ending so slow and ...
heartbroken.
Alex felt gloomy. The young boy wondered what was the song about - what had inspired Mitsu to express such a deep feeling? Mafuyu was exceptionally talented as he transmitted abstract sentiments through his melodies, and whoever listened could actually feel them. The beginning was so strong and fierce compared to the slow and soothing ending. It sounded as he tried to represent a rush of emotions in only an instant.
Was this song about York?
Alex had a realization as he arrived at his stop. The pale boy felt heavy on his chest and torso as he had received a punch.
When he arrived at his house, he went straight to bed.
Spring was just around the corner. By the day, the sun got more potent, and people started to wear lighter clothes.
Alex kinda hated this.
Since the beginning of college, he felt out of place with the rest of his peers - starting with everyone else's fashion choices. The young boy had been sticking to his all-black outfits that worked perfectly with cold seasons. Now, he wouldn't be able to escape wearing t-shirts and shorts, exposing his pale skin and skinny limbs. He found himself thinking that Mafuyu managed to dress so fashionably, like those Korean idols or anime characters. Or maybe it was the fact that he was half Asian and had an effortlessly nice physique.
He felt really self-conscious about how he looked at Mitsu's side and compared himself to how York dressed - both of them outfitted with oversized clothes and cool accessories. He was sure he wouldn't pull it off. The young boy couldn't help to have a flashback of Mitsu's attractive back. Then, his lips and how it felt to be close to him.
Remembering Mafuyu was the closest Alex could get to him since they had kissed. He hadn't gone to classes, and he wasn't confident enough to text him after such a long time - after what had happened. Also, the boy was too embarrassed to ask Rai, who had confirmed him Mafuyu hadn't been to college in a long time. Although he had asked her as nonchalantly as possible, he felt Rai could tell something was bothering him.
Alex's schedule for the second semester was pretty relaxed - he got early from Monday to Thursday, and Friday's he was free. Anne insisted on him getting a part-time job, which he had been postponing until he felt there was no point in escaping from it. He had spent the last couple of afternoons killing zombies and smoking in his room until he was tired enough to go to his bed and keep at it on his phone. And whenever there was nothing else to do, Alex thought about Mitsu.
A whole month had gone by after the day they kissed, and Alex was getting tired of his confusing feelings.Alex desired to feel his lips again and his smell. He wanted to try again and do it better - so this time, he wouldn't be so shocked and could actually enjoy it. The skinny boy never told anyone about it, and the big secret weighed more and more as time passed. It was a secret that was just his and Mitsu's, but he was the only one managing it as the older boy had disappeared.
And there was this one thing that haunted him the most and scared the hell out of him:
What Mitsu had said the day of the blackout regarding relationships couldn't stop repeating on his head. 'I would love to just do it, you know? Have a nice time, a little bit of fun, and it not being a big deal. Like when you do it with friends.'
So, Alex desperately needed to distract himself. On Monday afternoon, Alex was browsing his phone, checking if any of the few jobs he had applied, had contacted him. He was on his way home, and the day was warm enough, and there was a refreshing breeze. Alex opened Mitsu's chat and stared at it for minutes.The sounds of the tracks and the people were deafening on the train. Everything was rushing around him, but he didn't care at all.
He decided to send a funny picture about the game they had talked about with Mitsu. He quickly tapped on his phone. The 'Seen' sign appeared right away, to Alex's surprise. His heart started pounding intensely on his chest. Rushes of adrenaline went into his body, making him feel...happy. He couldn't hide his smile. Mitsu replied with another funny picture of a cat as a reaction to what Alex had sent.
He dribbled his fingers on the back of his phone and looked for a new picture to send. He searched his phone gallery and his social media looking for a Pic that matched the "conversation". it took him a couple of minutes, but he sent one.
I can't believe how excited I am about this, Alex thought, flushing, but his smile wouldn't go away.
Mitsu replied again, just as quick as the first time.
The conversation turned into a bunch of funny images reacting to the previous one, for solid 15 minutes. Alex was so absorbed on the chat that he missed the station where he had to get down.
'Shit,' he expressed while seeing the station's name moving away as the train continued. He got down on the next station and immediately texted Mitsu:
'I missed my stop.'
Mitsu replied with a smiling emoji and wrote:
'I almost burned my lunch.'
Alex only had to walk back a couple of blocks, but he didn't mind it since he was entertained.
'I'm starving. I hate the food on campus.'
The young boy texted while rubbing his forehead that had accumulated tiny drops of sweat. He decided to start wearing appropriate clothes for warm weather.'
Wanna come and have lunch? If you don't mind vegan food' Mitsu had asked a couple of seconds ago, making Alex stop on his feet.
Williams stared at the screen, blinking, not knowing what to do. He was already so satisfied from having the tiniest interaction with Mafuyu that the fact that he could actually see him again was inconceivable. The young boy certainly wasn't prepared for receiving more and wasn't ready to face Mitsu.
But he had to. He must. The mere idea of spending time with Mafuyu was irresistible. If he could materialize it right at that moment, he'd better take his chance. Alex cringed at the idea of being all sweaty and flustered when he saw Mitsu again, but he shook his head and replied:
'Yes. Food. Omw'.