CW: This chapter contains drugs use and self-harm themes.
Alex decided to not tell anyone about what had happened with Rai, especially since he was the last person to see her before she left. The guilt and sadness corroded his mind for weeks. Even if they had drifted a bit apart, she was still someone he considered a precious friend, which had helped him so much.
They became very close and grew a special relationship, particularly when Anne became part of the friendship. Now that Rai was gone inevitably, Alex started to blame himself for not noticing what was happening from before. They were indeed hints or things Rai would say, but he totally missed them because he thought of his own drama.
Anne didn't take long to notice Rai's disappearance, so she reached out to Alex to ask if he knew something. He tried to dismiss the conversation as much as possible, but eventually, he would've felt worse if he didn't say what he knew. So, they agreed to meet at Anne's new girlfriend's apartment, Riley. The first time he heard her name, he couldn't avoid cringing because it brought intense memories but quickly grounded himself. All he knew about this Riley was that they met with Anne on a dating app, and they took a lot of pictures together of parties and concerts on social media. At first, he thought their closeness made him slightly jealous since he couldn't spend more time with Anne like before. But then he figured out it was something about Riley that made him feel unsettled. Although he thought about it constantly, he wouldn't dare to say something to Anne since she would immediately tease or scold him.
'Anne has a new girlfriend, Rai is gone, Mitsu...' he thought to himself repeatedly. He always stopped right there.
He found himself, secretly, texting Connie almost every day since they met at the coffee shop. He didn't mention what was going on with him and was very careful to not say that his closest friends were, first of all, girls and, secondly, that both were missing.
He definitely didn't want to talk to her about Mafuyu. So, they would text every day, joking around and telling each other about their day and sharing things they had in common. They started to have long chats until late, and he would fall asleep with his phones in his hands. It was the only thing that was keeping Alex distracted at that moment.
Work, college, responsibilities; he didn't have much time to distract himself and missed playing games and watching his favorite anime.
But those things were slightly related to Mitsu for Alex, and Alex thought about Mitsu very restrictedly. He rather talked to Connie, for some reason he tried hard not to think about it.
After a while, he realized he hadn't thought about Mitsu for a long time and caught himself expecting to receive a text from Connie instead. Alex refused completely to admit he was doing it because he was lonely. His mind preferred to think he actually was meant to be with Connie. She represented a warm, comfortable, and known place.
The day he went to meet Anne finally arrived, she and Riley greeted him like a cheerful couple. He awkwardly introduced himself to Riley without escaping Anne's teasing. The three accommodated themselves in the small apartment by sitting on the floor since the apartment wasn't fully furnished yet. They served wine, put on music, and talked for a while.
Alex noticed he was in his third cup already. He thought he had been careless, but nothing mattered much after everything that had happened. Anne listened to everything he told her about Rai's breakdown and her decision to leave. She had been sitting on Riley's lap the whole time, and the boy was already annoyed that she meddled in. Just when he was telling Anne about the empty apartment, Riley interrupted once again, loudly and obviously not interested in the conversation since it was just gossip to her.
'Hey, wait a sec. This is so dense, dude, we should do something fun now as an intermission, and then Alex can finish his story.'
This completely irritated Alex, who stared at her and then took a peek at Anne, so she would say something. Instead, Anne chuckled and stood up to let Riley stand. She went to pick up something from her purse. Alex couldn't hide his annoyed face but preferred to keep his mouth shut. He looked at Anne, hoping to catch her attention.
Both of the girls looked alike, and both were taller than Alex, which made him feel resentful inside. He had worked hard to reach the one meter and 70 centimeters after all the bullying. He rushed to push those thoughts away, blaming the alcohol.
They seemed like a lovely couple and that they loved each other. But something felt off to him, just like they had to meet there to speak about their friend and her being rude. He thought maybe his feelings came from being a drunk and his overall annoyance.
Riley threw a tiny bag with a white powder inside on the table. Anne cheered with excitement, and Alex widened his eyes in disbelief. They stared at Riley, preparing everything and taking out a tiny straw.
'Is that...?'
Riley leaned on the table and inhaled a line of the white powder in less than a second. She then got up, adjusted her tight black dress, chuckled, and passed the straw to Anne, who instantly got up and leaned onto the table to sniff. She didn't even look at Alex.
Riley looked up and offered a tiny straw to Alex, who infuriated looked at her and loudly said:
'Are you shitting me? Is that cocaine?'
'Chill,' Anne said with a giggle and accommodated her hair behind her shoulders. 'Don't be a baby, Alex.'
The young boy was incapable of processing the actions of his friend. Her words stung. He felt his blood starting to boil and rage building inside of him. He began to move his leg impatiently while the girls went back to sitting. He tried his best to keep it to himself, but he had already blurted out, without thinking:
'What the fuck, Anne? What is this? Do you even care about Rai!?'
'Alex, she's a grown-up. If you said she's off the country, that's all I needed to know. She can take care of herself.'
Anne looked at Riley for approval, who just shrugged and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek in response. Anne started to roll tobacco, acting as if nothing was happening and Alex wasn't there.
'Anne, you're being a real asshole,' Alex spilled out again.
'Sorry?' Riley looked at him with indignation.
'And cocaine?' Alex continued, only looking at Anne's eyes, 'Are you for real?'
Anne frowned with anger and snapped back:
'Fuck you, Alex. You're always acting like such a good boy. Good boy, who's a good boy?' she said, impersonating like talking to a dog.
Riley burst into laughter, and Anne followed her. Alex could only stare, horrified.
'You said it yourself,' Anne continued. 'You failed her. And you're so pathetic! You went back to your ex for support after she cheated on you.'
'Wha-'
'Yeah, Alex,' she interrupted. 'I have fucking eyes, and I can see that every time your phone rings is a new message from Connie, are they not?'
Alex felt trapped. His heart pounded like he was prey, and his ears were burning.
Anne didn't let him answer:
'So, are you getting back together? I don't wanna be around for that lame shit show'.
The young boy couldn't resist it anymore and lost all his senses. He got up violently and with his hands as fists. Before he could say anything, Riley was already standing in front of him and pushed him back with both of her hands.
'What? Were you going to hit a girl, asshole?'
Alex brushed her hands away.
'I would never- Anne, say something!' he directed at his friend, begging with his eyes. He couldn't believe what was going on.
'Hey, don't touch her' Anne stood up defensively and put herself in between Alex and Riley. 'Fuck, Alex, I can't deal with your complaints anymore. You've got to grow up,' she said and immediately lit up a cigarette. 'Rai will be okay,' she remained indifferent and turned around. 'Can you like, for once, stop whining?'
Alex stood there outraged, clenching his jaw.
Anne was one of his first friends, who always cared for him in social situations, made him company, and always understood his feelings. Now she was acting so negligent and uninterested. Riley wouldn't take her eyes off of him, to which Alex gave her a nasty look in return. Anne sat on the floor again and put the music louder while she kept smoking.
Alex turned and picked up his stuff in silence and stepped away.
The young boy felt betrayed and tried his best to not cry. His hands were shaking, and he felt an uncomfortable pressure on his chest, just like when Rai left.
When he got home, the knot on his throat didn't allow him to greet his parents, and he went straight to his room. He was confused about Anne's conduct. Was that what she really thought? And the fact that she was now using made him more disturbed. He always knew Anne loved to party, drink, and smoke weed, but harder drugs were never in the picture. Did she start when she met Riley?
Once more, Alex felt immensely guilty for not realizing what was going on with his friends. That summer, he had been so self-absorbed that he missed all the cues to help. He thought maybe that was precisely why she was acting that way; she probably was mad since he hadn't been there for her.
The young boy sat on the floor of his room and rested his forehead on his knees. He grabbed his hair in frustration and pulled from it until it hurt.
'I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Rai. I'm sorry, Anne. I'm sorry!'
With trembling hands, he managed to roll a cigarette and lit it up to take a long drag from it. The warmness of the summer night and the adrenaline made him sweat enough to dampen his shirt. Exasperated, he pulled it off the neck and dropped it far away.
It had been a while since he had felt so uncontrollably angry. He had the same impulsive violence he went through in school. At his worst moments with this feeling, he had broken stuff around and punched or kicked walls. He had so much rage inside him and couldn't find the source or a way to express it. The only thing that made him stop around those days was that he had Connie in his life. She was like rays of sunshine in his darkest moments. When they broke up, Alex was obligated to find a way to stop the urges of those habits, and until now, he had been controlling it.
He sat on his desk chair, shivering from the cold sweat on his body. He lit another cigarette, and his eyes gravitated towards his arm, where several burn scars were. Those scars were from that day at middle school when he encountered Brody. He hesitated for a second and contemplated his own cigarette.
Not all of them were. He had more scars, but not as prominent as the ones that those assholes had done to him. He had done those to himself.
After trying cigarettes, he had discovered that he could control his impulses by not just smoking them, he also ended up self-harming with them. It reminded him not to be weak and maintain himself in line.
He found out that if he used napkins and burned through them, that way the scars wouldn't show as much when healed. Still, he was embarrassed and kept using bandages or long-sleeved clothes until the present day.
When Connie was in his life, and he finally told her what the bandages were for, she assured him nothing would happen to him again because she was always by his side and loved him. He didn't even have to bear with other people in the first place.
When he confessed to her that he was occasionally putting out cigarettes on himself when frustration aroused, she threatened him to leave him forever if he didn't stop. For that 16-years-old Alex, that was an unbearable idea, so he did stop.
'And then she left anyway.' he grinned to himself sarcastically.
Time had stopped, and Alex contemplated his scars in silence. The burning sensation coming from the cigarette incited him. He felt the urge to punish himself for what had happened to Anne earlier. For Rai. His mind couldn't stop thinking:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He felt just like a teenager again - angry, frustrated, alone - and that's when the thought of Connie popped into his mind.
The computer screen lit his face, and he saw the time on it. He picked up the phone and searched for Connie's number. She had indeed abandoned him back then, but now she was back.