CW: suicidal themes.
There was this one time; this was when Mitsu and York had been a couple for a while now, and things were getting terrible. This particular time, things were about to get even worse.
They had been at a cold war all day. Both knew that the other was mad, and still, none of them had said what they were thinking. They stared at each other but looked away almost immediately if their eyes met.
Mitsu couldn't remember why they were fighting. He remembered he had the sudden need to take out all the pressure he felt inside all day. It got to one point where he yelled something at York with a furious voice. He only remembered how the boy was paralyzed when Mitsu screamed at him.He couldn't remember what it was he said, but he regretted it inmediatly.
They were at the subway station, coming back from school. It was a hot summer afternoon, and they were sweating under their high school uniform shirts. York's black curly hair was messier than usual. He kept it long, and the heat made him pull it back and up to refresh.
He couldn't remember what it was he said, but he regretted it inmediatly and felt embarrassed. He tried to compose himself to check if anyone else had watched his outburst.
The station was so loud and full of people rushing. No one even turned around. The only one who was close enough to hear him was York, and he stood there looking at him, terrified and deeply hurted.
Mafuyu forgot about the surroundings when he fixed on York's shocked semblance. They had hated each other for weeks, but none of them was ready to decide to stay away. Mitsu felt frightened and anxiousness corroded his body. He feared that maybe he crossed the line, and he might end things.
"Did I push it too far?" his thoughts rushed, "Is he gonna break up with me? Fuck. I shouldn't have said anything. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
Finally, York's gaze traveled across the station, getting away from Mitsu's eyes.
"Hey, I'm sorry," Mafuyu mumbled, "I didn't mean…"
"Mitsu," York cut him off, facing the train lines."Did you forget what I'm always saying to you?"
Mitsu felt uneasy and didn't reply right away. A chill went down his spine when he heard the other boy mumbled. Something about York's gaze directing at the trails made him feel uneasy.
"What are you talking about?" he finally asked.
The loud background noise and the sound of the upcoming train muffled York's, but Mafuyu catched it.
"That I can't live without you."
Mafuyu's blood went cold as he realized what York was implying. The lights of the train were just there. York was staying very still, but the big fear inside of Mitsu asked: what if he does?
Mitsu rapidly grabbed him back, as the train arrived with high speed.
They both stumbled into each other, but Mitsu caught York with one arm and hugged him. The train started to open its doors.
He took two big deep breaths to calm his rapid heartbeat.
"Okay, I get it" he finally said with resignation.
Mafuyu felt completely frustrated about the fact he had to leave Alex on his bed, waiting for him. He really wanted to be there with him, but he also had to answer the phone, so they could continue; otherwise, the boy would have to keep getting anxious. On the contrary, he would've definitely stayed in bed.
"Fuck, York. You're annoying…"
"What!?"
"Listen, Mitsu, I ca-" he stopped, sobbing, "I can't fucking do this anymore" he continued to cry and gasped for air. "I can't do it withou-"
Mafuyu didn't react at first because he was used to this kind of temper from him. Now and then, York would call him in the middle of the night drunk or high, crying and saying that kind of stuff, and the next day he wouldn't even acknowledge it. That time was something different about it, though. It was a clear but trembling voice, and there was so much noise in the background. He was in a public place.
"Please, please, please," he pledged. "Mitsu, please, I lov-"
"Hold on. Wait."
Mafuyu interrupted him and went directly to the bathroom, and locked himself inside. He didn't even look at Alex.
.
*"Please, come. I need you."
"Okay, calm down," he whispered and sat on the shower border. He pushed his phone to his face and covered it and his mouth with his hand to muffle his voice. He also tried not to speak too loudly: "I will listen. But you need to calm down. Where are you?"
"Listen, please," York begged with a frightened voice.
"I will. Tell me, where are you?"
"I know it's been all fun and games these past two years, being on and off... But I'm fucking done", York claimed, determined but running out of air.
Mitsu felt tremendously uncomfortable and annoyed.
"Fun and games? It was hell."
"What?" Mitsu scoffed, sarcastically.
"I hate it, okay? I always hated it, and I know you did too. I miss you, Mitsu. I'm done with this nonsense of not being together. We had our fun, right? It was definitely rough sometimes, but..."
"What the fuck do you mean by 'fun'?" asked Mafuyu, irritated. "Was it fun when you *fucked one of my best friends?"
York didn't respond. The sounds and voices of the background were the only things Mitsu could hear. Mitsu's blood was boiling with rage.
Then, he could listen to York's sobs. He could picture York's face full of tears as he had seen it many times. York cried easily.
Mafuyu swallowed, unsure. He was starting to feel bad, but maybe he wanted it that way.
"Who cares? He cheated. Every time. And he only starts crying when I remind him what he does. He cheats, and he is the one who ends up crying."
"Okay. To be fair, I cheated too, but he started it."
Mitsu sighed deeply as he felt pressure on his chest. He stayed silent, listening to York's crying.
"Mitsu," he said once he had calmed down, realizing Mafuyu wasn't going to react to his tantrum, "Do you remember what I always say to you?"
Mitsu's gut clenched tightly and he closed his eyes,leaving with no air, and trying to concentrate on how to handle the situation.
'I can't live without you.'
"I can't live without you."
"York, where are you?" the boy asked, already sensing the answer.
"Please, Mitsu," he begged, "you love me too, right?"
Mitsu stood up in an instant with fear. He heard it. The sound he was waiting for. The fast loud roaring of the train.
The boy's eyes filled with tears, and anguish took over his body.
*York. I can't lose York. Maybe you're right; perhaps those were just silly fights, and we actually belong together.
*"Of course I do" he said with tears falling down his cheeks, except he didn't. He didn't feel love, he felt tied down. 'You are right. We should stop these games".
After that, he swore he would see him right away and agreed with everything York pleaded. They both shared each other's real-time location as York commanded. Mitsu kept staring at the screen to make sure York had got to his house safely. He was freezing on the cold floor of the tiny bathroom, but he sat there for minutes, watching the little dot that represented York move on the map on his phone.
He bumped his forehead onto his knees over and over with frustration. He never could dare to confirm if York actually would do something like he threatened to do, killing himself. But the mere idea of losing him because of his fault made him lose his mind. He couldn't grasp not having York's presence in his life forever.
After a while, emotions started to turn on him, and he felt like he had just fallen into a trap. Was that love?
To Mitsu, love has always been like that.
When Alex knocked on the bathroom door, he swiped all his thoughts away and stood up. He looked into the mirror and saw his miserable semblance. He was starting to get a headache; he felt he had been crying all night. First, the beating, then his shock, and now York. He saw the purple bruises on his back and at the side of his abdomen. He sighed, tired, and washed his face.
When he got out of the bathroom, he avoided looking at Alex at all costs. He created some excuse about being hurt and tired from all that had happened. He sat on the bed, barely listening to Alex's confused voice.
Mafuyu laid back and stayed like that for a while. His hands were made into a fist. He punched the bed in frustration.
"Why is it always so hard? Why can it get easier?"
He thought about Alex and the first time they met. He had plainly said he was sad. Mitsu wasn't expecting that answer, much less how it made him feel good about himself, for also feeling sad. Also, the boy had said it just like that; so careless, like an everyday thing.
When he got to know him better, his vulnerability amazed Mitsu. But found he was frustratingly reckless too. It was as if he went around without armor, unprotected from others. That hit Mitsu enough to make him feel like he wanted to protect him and lend him his own armor.
Everything went quiet after that thought.
Earlier that night, he felt Alex was changing him, that made him kiss him in the first place. He knew the boy liked him, and Mafuyu couldn't deny he had feelings for him too. It took him a while to confirm it, as when they first kissed, Alex acted very stiff and weird. But after that night, he knew for sure.
But he couldn't help being like this. He had been for years now.
When Mafuyu received that call that night, it wasn't the fact that York was crying at him, but the sound of the train; that made him decide immediately he had to travel.
"I gotta go to see York. If Alex is smart, he will forget about me quickly."
He repeated those words to himself a couple of times but couldn't shake the feeling he had already hurt Alex. Despite it, he couldn't think too much about it. There was not enough strength left.
After the call, Mitsu stayed in bed and barely ate for three days. He hadn't turned on his phone either. He felt completely depressed; he hated each second, thinking of ways for him to get rid of the situation. But in the end, he bought a ticket to California, and hid in his bed, wishing he could stay in it forever.
Mafuyu didn't hate the idea of seeing York, but he was exhausted. Their dynamic drained him, always. Mitsu had to spend so much energy when they were together. He tried to enjoy the incredible and perfect highs, but the low moments were incredibly awful. Whenever it got terrible, Mafuyu always felt his chest as if it was ripped apart. It was a never-ending cycle of emotions that came and went all over.
*Then again, it's so familiar…
The scrawny boy was so used to it he felt he already knew he would go to York. Besides, he would make sure York was okay, spend some time with him until he felt better, and then might come back. When he bought the tickets, he thought he'd give York a month if it definitely didn't work out.
When he turned on his phone again, he saw he had received various miscalls from Alex and none from York. Mitsu felt strange, as if something wasn't right.
He called York and acted like everything was okay; he had bought the tickets, and he was good to go. They talked on the phone until the day of his flight as if they had never broken up.
He texted Alex to let him know he would not be around. Mafuyu thought there wasn't much to say about it.