Both of them looked up to the ceiling as the lights flickered on and the air conditioner started to work again.
'Thank God' someone expressed somewhere in the wagon. Alex and Rai interchanged looks and retained a laugh. He had forgotten there were other people in there with them and was also relieved they didn't know him personally. After the tantrum he had made in front of his friend, he was thanking God no one was really paying attention to him.
'Well, sort them out' said Rai between coughs to cover the giggles. 'Try to sort your feelings out, even though your reaction to York is pretty much enough". Alex knew she was right. He bit the inside of his cheek, nervously, and rested his head on the seat.
'I don't even know-' Alex started saying, but interrupted himself mid-sentence to refrain, 'It hasn't even crossed my mind the possibility of it being mutual. I haven't even considered he liked guys too, at all. And, we haven't spoken since the black out. And that's enough for me' he stated, pointing a finger at himself.
Rai yawned and scratched her forehead under her beanie. She was noticeably tired and Alex felt guilty for not noticing, and throwing her all of this information at once. He concentrated on a spot on the ceiling to stop him from breaking again.
'How did you get a boyfriend?' he asked, now, looking at Rai.
'Well, you know... I'm an interesting, strong woman' she taunted, 'and also I'm pretty'. She looked at Alex and winked at him, and he smiled in return, nodding.
'Yes, you are' he agreed.
The speakers emitted a couple of annoying sounds until the distorted voice of the conductor was spitted out from them. This time, Alex could catch a few words and just as he was about to ask what was said, the train started to move again. They were finally going home.
After a couple of minutes of traveling, the subject seemed to have been dropped. They started to chat about classes and what Alex was planning to do if he dropped out. The latter was something that Alex hadn't thought of, much less considered. After direct questions from Rai and vague responses from him, he almost started with another crisis right there. He felt suddenly sweaty.
'Whatever you do, it's fine' Rai assured him, giving him an awkward half-hug as their clothes were too thick.
'Thank you' he replied sincerely, resting his head on hers. They stayed that way until they had to get off the train.
It was pretty late when Alex arrived home. He didn't bother to turn on the lights - he let himself fall over his bed, hiding his face on a pillow. Shaggy climbed up to the bed and layed next to his legs, resting its fluffy head over it. Images of Mitsu and York started to rush again into his mind, which he tried to analyze. Mitsu did seem distant to his ex-boyfriend - he tensed up as soon as he appeared, and didn't speak the entire time. But was it because he didn't care, or was he just embarrassed? Or was there something else? Maybe he wasn't comfortable with Alex watching him like that, or with York, for that matter. Alex's heart started pounding intensely, so much he could hear it in his ears. Could Alex be a threat to York?
'Not a chance', he thought, 'this boy - no, this man it's a hundred times cooler than me'. The fact that they were together for almost seven years also played a huge impact on Alex. They must have been together for most of high school and college. And he was going to be famous with his new show, so everybody would know who he is - and who Mitsu's ex was if they ever got together.
'Wait' he said to himself, 'are you really thinking that you could ever be with Mitsu!?'. Alex cringed.
His mind started to rapidly pass images and words, which made him even more anxious. He imagined a big poster of York's pale face, wearing a doctor's robe and a stethoscope around his muscular and weirdly attractive neck. York, whatever-his-last-name-was, only on Netflix. Alex turned around aggressively, trying to destroy that image on his brain, which made Shaggy jump in surprise and move to the end of his bed letting out a sigh.
'What are you so bummed about?' he asked his dog, while standing up and caressing his head. Shaggy's tail moved quickly from side to side.
Suddenly, his phone rang. It was a new message. He leaned forward with laziness, as he was getting a little bit sleepy. The brightness of the screen dazzled hiss eyes, which he turned down fast. He stared at his phone screen. Mitsu's name was on the screen. A sudden rush of blood helped him lose all that tiredness.
Alex quickly opened the message.
'Did u guys get home safe?'
Alex felt his heart rate increase by the second and bit his lip so hard he could probably cut them. He read each word very carefully and repeatedly. Did he only text him or did he also ask Rai? Did Rai say anything? Did he also check on York? His fingers started typing as quickly as they could.
'Yea. We got stuck in the train tho, 'cause of the blizzard. What about u?'
He looked at the message with only one eye open, and hitted send.
He waited for a response, but Mitsu didn't take long to read it. The message showed a 'Seen' at the bottom and then a couple of dots indicating he was typing. This felt like a century, but then, a new message arrived:
'not yet'.
Alex peeked at the time in surprise. It was almost midnight and Mitsu hadn't arrived at his place yet. His mind started to wander but his fingers got ahead and typed:
'r u ok?'. Before realizing, he hit send.
Alex regretted it right away. Was that question too personal? Also, who was he to ask Mitsu that? It's not like they were close, or were they? What if Mitsu didn't want to share anything with him? Will Mitsu assume Alex liked him? He blocked his phone and threw it away. He closed his eyes and focused on slowing his breath.
Before he could receive a new text, Alex's tiredness took over him and he felt completely asleep.
'Hey, meet u at the station?' Alex texted Rai.
He was so tired from the long (bad) day he had before, he had overslept and had to run so he wouldn't be late. He barely changed clothes and his hair was all freezy. But that helped him not worry about his phone until noon, when he was having lunch. Alex suddenly remembered Mitsu's text from last night, and he almost choked on his food. He rapidly hid under his hoodie. He couldn't believe he had forgotten about it and was now at school, with a high chance of running into Mitsu.
Mitsu hadn't even replied - he left on read minutes after sending the message. Maybe it was indeed something too personal to ask. Maybe he didn't even consider Alex as close, or as a friend. Maybe Mitsu had texted him because he couldn't reach Rai, so it was just to make sure she was alright.
Luckily, he didn't see him at all. Even so, this made him somewhat disappointed.
'So sorry! I forgot to tell you. I left early w my bf. We r going on a trip for winter break. I'm sorry again! xxxx' Rai replied. Alex felt disconcerted as he approached the station. Once again, he had gotten used to someone's company everyday, and now he couldn't help feeling lonely and lost. He frowned as he walked, grabbing his bag close to him. Why did he feel so dependent? Was he always going to be this needy?
'Whatever' he said out loud, without noticing. He considered texting Anne so he wouldn't have to leave alone. He knew she didn't work on Fridays and his train worked for her for a couple of stations. Enough to keep him company. He took out his phone, but held back the impulse. 'Stop needing someone' he commanded himself.
Alex felt like putting his head through a wall. Instead, he put in earphones and got into the train. As the stations passed, he browsed through his phone, as if he was waiting for something. He checked his social media, but nothing interesting was there. He went from app to app, trying to find something to entertain himself. Nothing was satisfying enough, and he started feeling lonelier.
As his stop got closer, Alex gave up and locked his phone. He was about to take the earphones off, when his phone rang in his hand. Quickly, he checked on it and widened his eyes, in surprise. A new message.
This time he didn't hesitate and opened it as fast as he could. Mitsu had finally replied. Alex's stomach dropped again. He had no time to waste, so he read it right away:
'Sorry it took me so long 2 reply. I woke up with a cold, I have a fever. U good?'
Alex held his phone with both hands. Fever? Was it true or was he just trying to make up an excuse? Well, he didn't have any reason to doubt him. But, last night he had said he wasn't home by the time he texted Alex. Was he truly sick? Well, he had shown he was a bad texter already.
Alex bit his lip, concentrating. He wanted to be a good friend to him, but what did friends do in these kinds of situations? He imagined what Rai would answer and typed:
'I'm fine. do u need anything?'
His pulse accelerated. What if he needed something? What was Alex supposed to do - just go to his house? Again? Alex started regretting what he had written, but it was too late to erase the message because Mitsu had already replied. The butterflies in his stomach made him consider ignoring his phone again and then making an excuse. Besides, he realized, his stop was approaching, so he could just get off and go on with his life.
Obviously, he read the new message:
'I'd love a barrel of water'. Mitsu replied.
The conductor announced the name of his stop, and the doors opened. Alex was paralyzed and stared at the open doors showing the cold outside. He stepped forward once, but felt his other feet pinned to the ground when he was about to take the next step. The closing door lights turned on and the warning sound felt loud in his ears. Alex looked at his phone, reading Mitsu's message one more time. The door closed and the train kept moving.
Until he found the guts. He quickly texted and sent the message before he could regret what he had said:
"on it. on my way"
Alex texted back and quickly checked which train went to Mitsu's house. Before he could even think, he got on the next stop and took the connection train.
"What-am-i-doing-here?"
Alex looked at Mitsu's front door, paralyzed, holding two bottles of water. He had taken another train, walked into the store, bought the water, and got on his way, all in a sort of automatic pilot. He didn't even realize what he was doing after he had arrived in the lobby.
'Why did I agree to do this? What I was thinking?'
The bottles were heavy on his hands and started to hurt, but Alex couldn't move. He thought of leaving - turn around and just start walking again.
'He is going to tell York. York is going to know, and he is going to punch me. He is going to punch me to death. At least if he kills me he will have to jail and kiss goodbye his stupid show. But I'm definitely going to die punched by his boyfriend'.
Alex managed to put one bottle down and the hand that was holding it. He couldn't tell if it was shaking because of the weight or because he was nervous. Whatever it was, he didn't step away. He didn't want to leave.
'If anything happens, we're just friends... hanging out, or whatever. He asked me to be here, anyways. I mean, I proposed it, but...'
'Nah, we're friends. If anything, we're mates, and I'm doing a nice thing for my buddy... Anyone would do the same... for a... acquaintance... right?'. He shook his head and took a deep breath.
'Fuck it' he whispered to himself. He closed his eyes and knocked on the door.
Knock knock-knock knock knock.
Knock knock.
Alex cringed. That was not a good moment to do that. Some noise coming from the inside made him more nervous. It was as if an animal was trying to escape, with things smashing and rumbling. The door opened. Mitsu appeared behind the door, looking a little bit pale and deadbeat. His eyes looked confused for a moment, but then a weak smile illuminated his face. It was his usual bright smile though.
'Hey! I'm so glad you made i-...' Now Mitsu was getting interrupted by his own cough, which sounded terribly sick from Alex's point of view. '... it'. He finished his sentence rubbing the back of his head. He gestured to Alex to come in and immediately added, 'sorry for the mess, I've been busy feeling like shit'.
Alex was still standing, unable to move a muscle, looking at him. Mitsu's cheeks were flushed because of the fever and he was wearing nothing but a pair of gray sweatpants. His hair was all tousled, and his lips seemed dried out. He tried to deny himself that his heart had just skipped a beat. He blinked, astonished, and then extended the hand that was still holding the bottle, with difficulty.
'Uhhh...' he stuttered.
'Thanks' Mitsu received it with a genuine smile and picked the other bottle off the floor, effortlessly. 'You coming in?'.
'I...'
'Please?'.
Alex stared speechless at the boy, who looked at him straight in the eyes. This time, his dark eyes were squinting again as he was smiling, but because he probably felt tired, and frail.
Alex walked in, before he could say anything. His entire body felt like it was taking its own decisions, and Alex was just a passenger. He took off his backpack and placed it on the ground, near the kitchen and he freed himself from his winter jacket, placing it on one of the kitchen stools.
The room was, in fact, a mess. The sheets on the bed were rolled up to the end and clothes were all over the place. His usual red hoodie curled into a ball in one corner. Right. How could he not get sick if that's the only thing he wore during yesterday's freeze?
The kitchen was filled with cups filled with what seemed to be soda. But Alex couldn't care less about all that. In fact, he was barely paying attention to what he was seeing, because one thing had his mind go crazy. The place was filled with Mitsu's scent.
Mitsu placed one bottle on the kitchen counter and opened the other, as he sat on the bed. He started to drink up with his eyes closed, until he was out of breath, and he pulled the bottle away, gasping. Then, he took a peek at Alex.
Alex had his hands clenched into fists and he looked up at Mitsu, eyes filled with what looked like rage.
'Wha-?'
"Put some clothes you idiot! How are you going to get better if you go around half naked?!"
Alex criticized loudly, both embarrassed and rattled. He grabbed a black shirt from the floor and threw it to Mitsu's face, who catched it in mid-air before hitting him. Mitsu was perplexed but also amused, so he couldn't resist letting out a laugh. This made Alex's face turn red and get hotter, which he knew it was going to give him away. So, he turned around and closed his eyes. The sound of Mitsu shaking off and putting on his shirt, made him imagine the scene. He opened up his eyes again, trying to distract himself. Having Mitsu fully clothed was going to make him much more relaxed.
Alex decided to sit on Mitsu's desk chair, to start picking up cigarette buds and placing them on an ashtray. It got quiet for a second, so Alex turned around to check on Mitsu. He laid down and had his arm resting over his eyes, covering them.
Alex hesitated.
'Oi, are you okay?'
'Mmm'
Alex noticed some sweat drops were almost falling from Mitsu's tensed jawline, making his skin look somehow velvety. He got close to him and pressed two fingers on Mitsu's cheek. To his surprise, Mitsu leaned forward his fingers, pressing them more onto his cheek, mantaining his eyes closed. Alex flushed intensely, not expecting Mitsu's docile reaction. Alex's heart pounded quickly.
Mitsu skin was burning up, so he went to the kitchen to find something to soak. He felt a tingling sensation in his whole body.
He found a kitchen towel and put it under the cool water for a couple of seconds. He returned to Mitsu, who hadn't changed positions, and stared at his face for a few seconds once more.
'Here' he placed the towel on Mitsu's forehead, moving away his arm. 'you gotta take care of yourself, you know'
'Thank you' replied Mitsu, with a raspy voice. He turned his head straight as Alex placed the wet towel on his head. Mitsu frowned a little because of the cold touch, but then relaxed.
Alex sat on the floor, looking at him concentrated on his own thoughts. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at Mitsu. The boy was breathing deeply, in and out. He had half-covered himself with one of the bed sheets. Alex wanted to reach his hand out to grab it and cover Mitsu completely, but he had used all his stored courage for the day. He already had shouted at him because of his nervousness, and it took all of his strength to check his temperature and give him the towel. He couldn't find the bravery to help him cover himself completely. All he wanted was to rest on the bed, too, but he couldn't allow himself to do that. He stood up, cleaned his jeans, washed one of the cups on the counter, and filled it with water. He approached Mitsu with the glass in his hand.
'Do you want more water?'
'...'
'Mitsu?' he insisted, getting closer to his face again. This time, Mitsu groaned mildly and barely moved one hand towards Alex, encountering his hand that was supporting him on the bed. Alex panicked. Blood rushed everywhere on his body as he felt the light touch of Mitsu's hand. Although he had a fever, his fingers were slightly colder. Alex realized he had stopped breathing. He placed the glass on the floor, careful not to pull away his hand from Mitsu's. Then, he slowly slid his hand away, making Mitsu's hand accidentally caress the back of Alex's hand.
'Alright...I'm going now'
Mitsu had clearly fallen asleep, so Alex reached for his jacket. As he was putting it on, he couldn't take his eyes away from Mitsu's peaceful face. He tried to ignore the urge to take a picture of him sleeping, or the fact that he knew he was thinking he looked cute. His stomach felt warm again and butterflies arose. He couldn't deny he found the image endearing.
Alex took one last peek at the room - the guitar was on the floor, music sheets placed everywhere, and random stuff laying around. He had to make the effort to suppress the urge to help him clean, and lifted his bag off the floor, trying to make the littlest noise as possible.
'Take care' he said in a whisper, before closing the door softly.
He rested his back on the door and covered his face with his hands.
'Ahhhhh'
'What the hell just happened?' he thought as he took the hand Mitsu had touched from his face and looked at it. He still could feel the cold touch.
'Is that what friends do?'
He rushed into the elevator and stared at the ground as he let out a strong sigh.
The smell, his face, the touch of the skin. All was still there.
It felt... sweet.
He stared at the ceiling of the elevator. Then he looked straight at the floor as the doors from the lift opened at the lobby, and Alex rushed out.
'This boy...He owes me one'.