"I have a crush on Mitsu"
The realization Alex had was stuck in his mind. He felt like he couldn't move or say anything. How did it happen? When he checked his phone, he saw Mitsu's song file still attached to his chat window. Alex panicked at the thought of listening to the song again. It felt completely different this time.
He was late to class. He tried to quickly go to campus but he felt the anxiety on his chest grow as he approached it, because he was aware that he bump into him, anytime.
'Do I really have a crush on him? This can't be right' he thought to himself. 'He's my friend. That's just it'. Alex sighed in the middle of class, frustrated, not being able to pay attention.
'Am I a weirdo?'
To his luck, he didn't see Mitsu around that day either.
At lunch, like almost everyday, he went to the into progress building, to eat at the stairs. His heart felt fast when he moved the fabric that covered the construction, thinking Mafuyu might be waiting in there. But, Mitsu wasn't there either. Alex felt foolish. He didn't like feeling disappointed.
How did he manage to be in this situation? It had been so long since he felt feelings like that, in his body. That early nervousness when having a crush felt terrible to him - being eager to see that person, but also terrified.
He didn't really have a plan, so it was better if he didn't bump into Mitsu today. What would he say, anyway? He felt like he had only been freaking out all day.
Anne entered the site in a cheerful way, startling him. He threw her a ball of paper he was holding from his previous class he had. She mocked him.
'That barely touched me' she mocked him.
Alex stuck his tongue out. Calmly, Anne sat next to him and started to take her lunch out of her backpack.
'How have you been? What did you do during the blackout? I was at work, so it was super boring because we couldn't leave the place until the light came back. My phone ran out of battery and I was starving. It sucked" she recited, without taking a breath in between. Then she threw an exasperated look at him. 'Sooo... what about you?'
Alex swallowed and he looked at Anne, like she had just caught him shitting on the carpet.
'What? What's with that face? You stayed at home and did nothing?' Anne kept mocking him like always - she didn't even look at him. She was eating her salad, not really paying attention to Alex's face.
'No, I wasn't home' replied Alex, quietly and with caution.
'You're being super sketchy right now' she turned to him, now looking directly with an intrusive face.
Alex looked guilty. The flashback of Mitsu holding his hand on his dream was stuck in his head at that moment.
'Oh my god! You saw Connie didn't you? You slept with your ex!' Anne pointed her fork at him, accusing him. Alex quickly pushed her hand away, exclaiming:
'No! That's not it at all!'
Anne put her fork down and looked at him suspiciously. 'What did you do then?'
'I was with a friend. We hanged out at his place' he replied, feeling pressured.
'You don't have other friends' Anne joked, but when Alex didn't laugh she rolled her eyes and asked him: 'Okay, who then?'
Alex tried to look calm, but he avoided Anne's eyes.
'Uh, Mitsu Mafuyu...'
'Yeah, I know him' Anne gasped, intrigued. 'He's the half-japanese tall guy, friends with Rai, right? Since when are you friends with him?'
Alex looked at her, not knowing what to say. When had that happened? After he didn't answer, Anne widened her eyes and punched him out of nowhere, hard on his arm.
'Agh! Stop that' Alex cried.
'You stop that!'.
'What?!'.
Alex rubbed his arm, frowning, while she looked at him, stunned.
'You slept with the guy, didn't you?!' Alex choked with his own spit. He coughed and moved away embarrassed. Anne waited for him to stop, with a serious face, completely forgetting about her lunch.
'What are u even talking about?!' Alex said with his husky voice.
"You look guilty as fuck. What is it then?" She was completely serious, almost solemn. She inspected Alex's face and watched him move uneasy in his seat.
'No!' Alex felt exasperated.
They stayed in silence for a while. The sound of a drill close to them, probably inside the construction, filled the gap. Alex looked straight down to his feet, feeling the cold air gracing on his cheeks, making them irritated. But he wasn't blushing just because of the cold. His blood kept flying to his face and ears over and over again after Anne's savage questioning.
'So, what then' Anne insisted.
'It's nothing like that' Alex said quickly and he hid his hands in his sweatshirt pockets. "I- uh, I think- I might think I like him... I might think I have a crush on him"
Anne burst into laughter, which made him look up fast, and pushed her with his palm on the shoulder. She dropped her fork and giggled, causing Alex to blush even harder.
'Sorry, sorry! You have such a guilty face... I thought you had killed somebody!' Alex looked down to his feet, frowning again. She kept laughing to herself a little more, and when she stopped she didn't say anything else.
In silence, she kept eating for a few seconds. She was waiting for Alex to speak. So he asked what he had been dreading all day:
'So... Do you think... I'm... weird?' He emitted the words with an awful feeling on his stomach. He couldn't look at her and didn't know why he felt so ashamed. The drill stopped it's sound, as if it knew he just asked something important.
Anne looked at him for a second, and raised her eyebrows. 'What do you mean?'
Alex looked at her not knowing what to add. She left her lunch by her side on the stairs so she could focus on Alex properly.
'Why would I even think that? Because you like a dude and not a girl? He is pretty cute' Anne tried to joke, so Alex could feel relieved. She then continued: 'I like boys and I like girls too. I'm not blind, they are beautiful'.
Alex looked at her in awe. After he relaxed his shoulders, gratitude started expanding through his body. She smiled, and then she came back to her salad:
'So, what now? Does he like you back?'
Alex looked at his shoes again.
'I... have no idea' he said, with an honest voice and a tint of wonder.
'Did you kissed?'
"No way!" This time, Alex looked at her with shock.
'Dude, what's up with that bro attitude? It's the 21st century, we don't act like that anymore. Also, stop acting like you're a virgin' she scolded him. 'No one could guess you had a two year relationship'
He shut up, annoyed. He was feeling like an inexperienced kid again, like at the beginning of the semester. There were too many things happening in his head. He wasn't sure about anything at all. He looked at the ceiling in dispair. At least, Anne had made him feel less frightened.
'You are panicking over nothing, Alex'. Anne finished her food, and took a pack of cigarettes out of her bag, offering him one. He usually only smoked rolled cigarettes, but this time he took one and thanked her. 'This is really good. You actually like someone now - do you even realize that!? You stopped moping around about Connie. Sorry!' She immediately apologized when Alex pretended he was gonna punch her again. 'Admit it. You know what I'm talking about'.
"Yeah" Alex took a puff of the cigarette and coughed. 'Wow, I forgot how shitty these are'
'Shut up, I'm broke and addicted' Anne added, puffing on hers.
They chuckled a bit. Then, Anne asked:
'Please, tell me all about it! How did this happen?'
Alex looked over at her and sighed. He started to fill her up on his story with Mitsu. He told him about the party at Rai's and then about the blackout - he even told her about his dream. When he finished, covered his face with his hands, overwhelmed.
'You are really crushing hard, aren't ya?' Anne laid back on the stairs, smoking her third cigarette now. 'Do you think he likes you, though?'
Alex shook his head while frowning. How was he supposed to know? He felt tense, because he actually hadn't considered that. He had been so busy trying to accept his crush that he didn't thought of asking if it was mutual.
'Oh, shit' Alex felt light-headed and buried his face in his arms, supporting them on his knees.
'Welcome back to the real world, my friend'. Anne laughed.
Alex grunted in response.
'Just go for it and ask him' said Anne while she got up and shoved her stuff in her backpack. 'I gotta go to work... again' she sighed and looked down at his friend. "Let me know how it goes. I'm invested on your new love story'. Alex threw her the ball of paper again as she left laughing.
He couldn't follow Anne's advice. He couldn't ask him anything, because Mitsu had disappeared for a few weeks. He felt awkward texting them, so he never did. And Mitsu never reached out either. At first, he had dreamt about him a couple of times again, which made him even more concerned about those feelings that were growing inside him. But after he hadn't seen him for so long, Alex was starting to forget about the excitement he had felt.
Until, one day, he finally questioned his crush.
He had some bitterness in his gut, but he also wasn't thinking about Mafuyu with the uneasiness he had, a few weeks earlier. He kept living his life, having lunch with Anne - who didn't ask about it again - and getting to know Rai, as they kept taking the train together often.
Unfortunately, he started to have some feelings he didn't want back. That same energy he felt before Mitsu. The melancholic aura came back, as he felt lonely.
'What's been up with you lately?' Rai was standing next to him, on the train back home. He looked up at her, not understanding her question. 'You're like in another galaxy all the time' she explained herself. 'Did something happen? Is it your grades? First semester can be hard'. As always, she was so caring. He smiled slightly and tried to avoid her inquisitive gaze.
'Nope, grades are fine'.
He didn't mention he had been thinking a lot about dropping out, since Mitsu mentioned it. He had made him feel like it was an actual possibility. Why study a whole career because of his ex? It seemed stupid. But he did study and worked hard to get in...
'Then, what's up?' She looked at him, genuinely wanting to help somehow.
Alex bit the inside of his cheek.
'What? Are you depressed?' she lowered her voice in the middle of the sentence, as it was something prohibited. The seriousness made Alex chuckle.
'I don't think so'
"C'mon, don't be shy. You look a lot like me when I was depressed" she pointed her finger at him, which made him regret his previous laugh.
'No - I mean, yeah. I've been depressed before. But not this time. It's just... it's been weird lately. I'm thinking psychology might not be for me after all..."
He blamed his attitude on his career doubts, but Alex knew he had been very discouraged for other reasons. Besides, she probably saw him in a better mood at the beginning of winter because he felt refreshed by his supposedly new crush, which made him more energetic.
'Oh no!' Rai smashed her own cheeks with both hands, and Alex looked at her, confused. 'And I basically convinced you to get in our school!'
Alex laughed loudly. Did she just blame herself for his own doubts?
'No, no. Don't feel bad, I did get in because of someone, but that wasn't you'.
When the train arrived at the station, they quickly got down the wagon together. Alex wrapped his black scarf around his neck as it was freezing outside.
Alex used to love winter, but somehow this year was bumming him out. The nights seemed longer and was getting used to hang out a lot alone in his room, with his dog, getting into bed early. He felt lonelier than ever.
'Who did you get in for?' Rai asked as they walked upstairs from the station.
'My ex' he replied, and rolled his eyes so she could see how he felt about making that decision.
'Holy shit' she replied.
"I know"
'Does she study psychology?' Rai inquired.
'No, but she studies in our university'.
As they stepped outside, Alex looked up at the sky. To his surprise, it was snowing.
'Brrrrr, that's so cold!" Rai grumbled and snuggled down in her thick pink coat. They walked quickly to their houses, leaving the snow behind them as fast as possible.
'So when did you break up? Recently? Is that why you want to leave me?' Rai asked in a dramatic voice.
Alex pushed her slightly with his shoulder, knowing she was teasing him. He rapidly snuggled down in his black scarf. Rai seemed comfortable with him and Alex enjoyed having someone he could go home with. She was nice to everyone and he appreciated that she cared about him enough to ask about his life. Her natural energy made him feel less judged. And she had a boyfriend, so he didn't feel weird about developing a stupid crush.
'We broke up at the beginning of the semester, actually' Alex added from behind his scarf, in a muzzled voice. Winter break was just around the corner, so Alex felt weird about how time had gone by so quickly.
'Oh' she looked over at him, genuinely surprised, 'It's been quite a while then'. Alex raised an eyebrow to her comment, trying to hide. She projected a teasing smile 'Ah, I see. You like someone else now'. Rai moved her eyebrows up and down and then she laughed.
Alex was grateful it was snowing. The cold had turned his cheeks red before, so that way Rai couldn't see him blush right away.
'I do not!' he said in a rush, making his voice tweak. He realized that had threw him away.
'Right' she said smiling.
He looked at her, irritated, but after a second he said:
'I did think I liked someone... but turns out I don't'
'Why? She didn't like you back?' Rai asked walking carefully not to trip.
'No, that's not it' Alex swallowed. 'I just thought I liked them, but I realized I didn't"
She looked at Alex with a skeptical look, but she didn't insist anymore. When they reached her place - which was closer to the station - they said goodbye, and Alex kept walking alone, trying to avoid the snow quickly, and headed home.
The next day the snow had accumulated and a white blanket covered the city. The trains were taking twice as long and the traffic was impossible. The trees were white instead of green and brown, and people walked their dogs in a rush. Alex asked his dad to walk Shaggy and left in a rush.
Alex had only one class that day, but he arrived too late. More frustrated than ever, he went to buy a coffee from a machine, so he could at least not freeze to death and get back home, after his pointless trip to campus.
'Alex! Hey!'
He looked over his shoulder. It was Rai's voice but he couldn't find her right away. His eyes looked for her around the yard, and when he placed her, he saw her waving, sitting cross-legged on the floor of the corridor, next to the wall. Alex was about to wave back, but he stopped in the middle.
Sitting by her side, looking at him directly, was Mitsu.